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Religious Jokes Archives

Pockets

posted by Prayables

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The […]

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What The Bible Means

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!” His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?” The son replied, “I do […]

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Gladys Dunn

posted by Prayables

Having just moved to town, Gladys Dunn decided that on the first Sunday, she’d visit the church nearest to her new apartment. She found herself in a pretty sanctuary, and as the service began, she enjoyed the music offered by […]

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HMO Heaven

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks them what good they have done in their lives. […]

Seventeen Chapters of Mark

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the Gospel of Mark.  To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read tall of the chapters of scripture beforehand.” The following Sunday, […]

The Lord Will Provide

posted by Prayables

One day in a small town during really stormy weather, the town begins to flood. Everyone rushes to lifeboats and begins to flee. But in a church a priest sits on the alter and does not move. A man runs […]

Hallelujah Horse

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke A man was passing through a small town and wanted to upgrade his mode of transportation. So he looked all around this small town he was in and found that the only place he could buy a faster […]

Church Comedy – Tim Hawkins

posted by Prayables

Featured Video Tim Hawkins is hilarious! The stand-up comedian does church humor and he does it well. Sleeping in church, hand-sanitizers and chomping on a communion wafer are just a few of the bits that will bring out your chuckles. […]

Valuable Book

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody- or-other had printed it. […]

Soup Pot

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke An Italian, a Frenchman and a Jew arrive in Heaven and each is judged. The angel escorts the Frenchman to his heavenly reward. They enter a beautifully arranged banquet hall with all the foods that a French connoisseur […]

Can’t Take it With You

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke Trying to disprove the saying “You can’t take it with you,” a stingy old lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died. He […]

God’s Time And Money

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God, “How long is 10 million years to you?” God replied, “1 second.” The next day the preacher asked God, […]

Pick a Chapter

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke A businessman rushed into the office of his rabbi and complained loudly about his troubles. “I am stone broke,” he cried. “My creditors call day and night demanding money. My wife says she’ll divorce me if I don’t […]

Preacher Buys a Parrot

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke A preacher is buying a parrot. “Are you sure it doesn’t scream, yell, or swear?” asked the preacher. “Oh absolutely. It’s a religious parrot,” the storekeeper assures him. “Do you see those strings on his legs? When you […]

Heaven Bound

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll just run in and out and in and […]

Delayed Entry

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your ocean side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. […]

Church Money

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he talked with the organist to […]

Me First

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke A rabbi, a cantor and a congregation president are all held up by a robber who points a gun at them. “Let me at least give one more sermon before you shoot me,” pleads the rabbi.  “Let me […]

Kid’s Bedtime Prayers

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each  night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?” The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!” *** When my  daughter, […]

Nowhere

posted by Prayables

An Atheist is trying to convince his 8-year-old son that God doesn’t exist. While his son is sleeping, the man writes on his son’s bedroom ceiling:”God is nowhere.” The following morning the son comes running to his father and says: […]

To the Rescue

posted by Prayables

Say, have you heard the one about Jose, the fisherman who is desperate to provide for his family? He takes his boat out on a dark and stormy day. A hurricane comes in and Jose finds himself stranded on a […]

Email From…

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel in Florida, […]

Death on Vacation

posted by Prayables

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalam, George’s mother-in-law died. With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial. The Consul, […]

Holmes and Watson

posted by Prayables

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping in the forest. They had gone to bed and were lying beneath the night sky. Holmes said, “Watson, look up. What do you see?” “I see thousands of stars.” “And what does that […]

Bible Salesman

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke A man came into a shop with a ‘Salesman Wanted’ sign in a window. He went up to the owner and said, “I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b.” “I don’t know if this job would suit you because of your […]

Catholic Dog

posted by Prayables

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for […]

Stand or Sit

posted by Prayables

A Jewish congregation was arguing over whether one should stand or sit during the Shema Yisroel. Half of the congregation said one should sit, the other half insisted one should stand. Every time the Shema was recited they shouted at […]

Family Bible

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an […]

Frog in Love

posted by Prayables

A frog is praying for love. Every day he sends his petitions to the Lord with no response. Finally, he has a dream and he’s sure the Lord has spoken to him in his sleep saying: “You are going to […]

Corporate Structure

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke Chairman of The Board – Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a speeding locomotive; faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God. President – Leaps short buildings in a […]

Church Gossip

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, […]

Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are. DEMENTIA: I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas. NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me. MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and […]

Church Mice

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke Three pastors met and were talking over conditions at their churches. The first pastor said, “You know, since summer started, I’ve been having trouble with mice in my church. I’ve tried everything – noise, cats, spray – nothing […]

Can’t Do That

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke A student was heading home for Christmas. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, “I’d like you to send my […]

Reading of the Will

posted by Prayables

“To my wonderful wife Betty, five million dollars and my entire estate.” “To my loving son Joe, seventy percent of the business and our mansion in Florida” “To my beautiful daughter Jill, one million dollars and my Rolls Royce” “To […]

Truisms

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people. The older you get, the better you realize you were. If God dropped acid, would he see people? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why […]

Good Leads

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke Mr. Jones goes to confession and says to his priest, “Bless me father, for I have sinned. It’s been four weeks since my last confession, and I have committed the sin of adultery.” The priest says, “Was it […]

Aching Side

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother […]

Why God Never Received Tenure

posted by Prayables

1. He had only one major publication. 2. It was in Hebrew. 3. It had no references. 4. It wasn’t published in a referred journal. 5. Some doubt He wrote it by Himself. 6. He may have created the world, […]

Up for Grabs

posted by Prayables

Three ministers are talking over lunch and before long find themselves discussing how much of the weekly offering is appropriate to keep and how much to give to the Lord. The first minister says, “I just draw a line on […]

Perfection

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke The preacher said, “There’s no such thing as a perfect woman. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect woman, stand up.” Nobody stood up. “Those who have ever known a perfect man, stand up.” One elderly gentleman […]

Sunday Best

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke A little girl dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, […]

Stay in School

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke A Jewish kid is sent to a Jewish school by his parents. After two weeks he is kicked out for fighting and laziness. So his parents raise the money and send him to a private school. However, after […]

New Teeth

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago. The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third […]

Come Home

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke A foreign-born Jewish woman tells a travel agent that she wants to go to India. “I vant to go to India.” “But Mrs. Cohen,” says the travel agent, “India is so hot, the food is so different, things […]

Can You Hear Me?

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke At the church meeting, the preacher announced, “Anyone with a special concern or problem who wants to be prayed over, please come forward.”  Billy Bob got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, “Billy […]

Choir Positions Open

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke Found in an actual church bulletin: Positions open in soprano, alto, tenor and bass. No others need apply. PHYSICAL QUALIFICATIONS: Must be able to carry light musical notes part way across the sanctuary. Must have sufficient vision to […]

New Pet

posted by Prayables

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a […]

Sex on Sabbath

posted by Prayables

A man asked a priest whether sex was work or pleasure and whether it was allowed on the Sabbath day. The priest said it is work and cannot be done on Sunday. The man thought it over and decided that […]

Understanding a Woman’s Language

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke Sometimes our body language will help us keep the sacred vow of using respectful language. Here’s how we do it: “Fine” – This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we […]

New Car

posted by Prayables

A cathedral was located opposite a synagogue in a well-to-do neighborhood. Both the Jewish and the Catholic congregations were driving nice cars and living well. Only the clergy was in poor condition. In fact, the priest was driving a car […]

Frank

posted by Prayables

Father McCauley walks out to the street and catches a taxi just passing by. He gets into the taxi and the driver says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.” Father McCauley: “Who?” Cabbie: “Frank. Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who […]

Van Gogh’s Relatives

posted by Prayables

The family history of the famous artist Vincent Van Gogh has been recently discovered in a European monastery. There is now a record of his many relatives. Among them were: His dizzy aunt . . . . Verti Gogh The […]

Walking on Water

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke All of his life Roger from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that […]

Age is a Funny Thing

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old?” Well . . …. You’ll love this one! I was at a meet and greet for new church […]

Inspiring Music

posted by Prayables

Daily Joke A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that […]

Comedian Brad Stine – Christians Don’t Have Curse Words

posted by Prayables

Daily Video Christian comedian Brad Stine is a riot in this bit about Christian cursing. You’ll laugh out loud at his witty observational humpor that strikes just the right chord. Enjoy the Prayables video pick of the day! all curse […]

Understanding Flies

posted by Prayables

Daily Religious Joke The Reverend’s wife walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” She asked. “Hunting flies” He responded. “Oh. Killing any?” She asked. “Yep, 3 males, 2 females,” […]

Animal Sounds

posted by Prayables

A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their Sunday school teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. “Davey, what sound does a cow make?” Davey replied, “It goes ‘moo’.” “Alice, what sound […]

Where’s Barney?

posted by Prayables

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, “Do you think I’ll find Big Bird in here?” The little girl stayed silent. Next, the […]

How To Know You’re Ready For Parenthood

posted by Prayables

Children are God’s gift to the world. Here’s a test to see if you’re ready for parenthood. MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the […]

Filling in for Saint Peter

posted by Prayables

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: ‘Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?’ ‘Yes,’ the professor answered. ‘When I was a young candidate at […]

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