One City

One City


What would Sid do? I’m insecure in my relationship…

posted by Lodro Rinzler

buddhism dating love.JPG

“Excuse me, would any of you fine ladies care to dance?”

Before Siddhartha Gautama attained enlightenment at age 35 he was a
confused twenty and thirty-something looking to learn how to live a
spiritual life. He had an overbearing dad, expectations for what he was
supposed to do
with his life, drinks were flowing, lutes were playing, and the
women were all about him. Some called him L.L. Cool S. I imagine
close friends just referred to him as Sid.

Many people look to Siddhartha as an example of someone who attained nirvana, a buddha. But here we look at a younger Sid
as a confused guy struggling with his daily life. What would he do as a
young person trying to find love, cheap drinks, and fun in a city like
New York? We all make mistakes on our spiritual journey; here is where
they’re discussed.

Each week I’ll take on a new question and
give some advice based on what I think Sid, a confused guy working on
his spiritual life in a world of major distraction, would do. Because
let’s face it, you and I are Sid.

Have a question for this weekly column? E-mail it here and I’ll probably get to it!

—————————————————————————————————————————————Q: Q: I have been dating this girl for about six months and everything was great. Then
we had a big argument about her going out to clubs with her friends,
which is about three days a week, and I broke up with her. I told her
that going out so much gave me flash backs about my ex that had went
out and cheated on me and that she made me feel insecure.

On a deeper
level I feel like there is something wrong with me because I always
seem to find a reason to break up with my girlfriends. My question
to you is there anything that I can do to make my self a better person
in a relationship because all I get is more confused with each one. – Lost in Translation


This sounds somewhat familiar to me. In fact, I bet this sounds somewhat familiar to anyone who has ever felt insecure in a relationship. Which, at last count, seems to be just about everyone who has ever been in a relationship.

Let me paint a picture: your girlfriend steps out for the night with some friends. You try to reach her but keep getting her voicemail. Sure, logic dictates that she’s probably at some underground club or left her phone in her bag but something in you starts to stir. You begin to get a bit anxious: Where is she? What is she doing? Why is she ignoring me? Maybe you’re more the jealous type: Are guys hitting on her? Is she letting them buy her drinks? What if she gets really drunk and one of them tries to kiss her? Or maybe you’re more arrogant than that: Who is she to ignore me? What, she thinks she can cheat on me? ME?

Before you know it you’ve forgotten everything you wanted to do that night and are writing some slanderous text to her all about how she treats you so badly. You’re so angry and caught up in this situation that you can’t do anything but lie in bed. You’re paralyzed by your emotions to the extent that even if you wanted to you couldn’t count to schfifty five. Does this sort of emotional flare up sound familiar to anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Many Tibetan Buddhist teachers have noted that as a culture we in the West don’t
have a lot of faith in our innate wisdom and goodness. We tend to
loathe ourselves and not trust in simple things like the fact that we
deserve to be loved and respected. We doubt ourselves and, in my opinion, we doubt our own self-worth.

As a result when we find
our relationship in iffy territory we spin out of control instead of
reminding ourselves to come back to the knowledge that we are worth being loved. We forget that maybe the storyline we’ve created is not directly related
to reality. That storyline is not often rooted in our basic sanity. It’s rooted in our own confusion. And it might just be someone’s cell phone battery dying.

The thing is, there was a point where you didn’t have to spin out and be at whim to your imagination. There’s this nifty tool that Sid was working with called meditation. Through great discipline he would notice these thoughts of “I wonder what my wifey is doing right now” come up, he would acknowledge what that stirred in him, and come back to the present moment.

This isn’t easy. Sid only got to Carnegie Hall (ie became a buddha) through practice, practice, practice. It’s easy to get hooked in our emotional traps of doubt. The key point here is that when we feel this anxiety, jealousy, and so on come up we don’t have to buy into the storyline. We can acknowledge that it brings up some doubt or fear for us and come back to our breath or whatever we happen to be doing. In other words, don’t jump to conclusions, jump into your present experience.

The more we confront our fears and insecurities the more we learn how we get hooked and the easier it gets to see through them. Relationships are such good practice for learning about ourselves. The other person simultaneously acts as a mirror, reflecting our neurosis back at us, and as a loofah, rubbing against us in so many ways that we naturally have to confront our habitual patterns and watch them wear down.

In other words, I hope you find a way to work it out with your lady. If she is good to you then trust will build over time even while you’re being confronted with these opportunities to explore and not get hooked by your emotions.

I can’t imagine Sid saying that you need to become a “better person.” You’re innately a terrific person. You just keep getting hooked by strong emotions. In my experience, and in Sid’s experience, getting to know how we get hooked is invaluable to our spiritual path. I think Sid would just wish you luck and say “I’ll see you at Carnegie Hall.”



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Julia May

posted June 12, 2009 at 3:41 pm


Very good advice again Lodro!
I find it helpful for me to know and understand that a relationship, because it is so emotional, can become a funnel for all sorts of anxieties that have little or nothing to do with the relationship. Sometimes I recognize that I’m freaking about a relationship because I’m distracting myself from other issues.



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Lauren

posted June 12, 2009 at 11:39 pm


I’ve been in possessive relationships before, but your insecurity sounds really reasonable, even discounting your past history. If your girlfriend is going to the club three times a week with her girlfriends and not inviting you to tag along at least some of the time…that sounds like emotional infidelity, at the very least. Why else would she be spending so much time away from you in such a superficial setting that invites cheap hook-ups?
Now, if she were meditating with her girlfriends three times a week, that would be perfectly understandable ;)



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Mariecarmel M

posted June 13, 2009 at 10:12 am


You need to look at this relationship as a new one, stop bringing your old baggages to the new relationship. If your girlfriend is good to you and does not give reason to doubt her, don’t. Some women are more liberal than others and going out with her friends may be therapeutic to her and does not mean that she is cheating, she may be having a ggod time, it may be the way that she is releasing her stress. Don’t nag too much, remember we are human and we have that childlike in all of us, the more we are forbidden to do somthing, the more attractif that something appears to be. What you need to do is to express your belief and your concern in a loving way and it will hit home. By being loving, understanding, acknowledging that she needs time away from you or from it all, she may find herself missing you and want to be with you and find the going out with her friends a bit old. She may just grew out of it. Give it time, if you both belong together you will work things out.



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Mariecarmel M

posted June 13, 2009 at 10:13 am


You need to look at this relationship as a new one, stop bringing your old baggages to the new relationship. If your girlfriend is good to you and does not give reason to doubt her, don’t. Some women are more liberal than others and going out with her friends may be therapeutic to her and does not mean that she is cheating, she may be having a ggod time, it may be the way that she is releasing her stress. Don’t nag too much, remember we are human and we have that childlike in all of us, the more we are forbidden to do somthing, the more attractif that something appears to be. What you need to do is to express your belief and your concern in a loving way and it will hit home. By being loving, understanding, acknowledging that she needs time away from you or from it all, she may find herself missing you and want to be with you and find the going out with her friends a bit old. She may just grew out of it. Give it time, if you both belong together you will work things out.



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Your Name

posted June 13, 2009 at 9:08 pm


Oh my God…what kind of girlfriend is Sid?I see her like a child
who is scared ever to have boyfriend.How old is she?hmmm,age is not
the basis for preparedness to handle a new relationship like yours
and Sid.Maybe,she really is shocked of the way things are happening with herself and most of the time have subconsciously ignoring the
reality that the love she’s been praying and dreaming has finally come,maybe she’s still in the process of convincing herself that her
man is real,he is finally making commitments with her and she herself
is still freezingly standing in awe,”is it real?is it not?those maybe
were the questions inside her mind and that made her confuse so she’s
what you think is cold but not that i imagine.The fact that you are her dream man,be confident that she’s just shocked and later on,you
will find her in your arms,living and convinced that her man do exist.



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ellen9

posted June 15, 2009 at 4:05 pm


Maybe she’s just a Sagittarius, says this december-born gal. Give her some space.
More seriously, love the mirror-loofah metaphors. Maybe a mirrorball loofah for such a club-goer.
Personally I am a bit mystified by jealousy, and as a woman I am wary of guys wanting to own my time. Possessiveness always make me think that somewhere in the guy’s heart, he thinks his partner is his territory. Considering the history of male/female relations and property ownership in Western societies, that raises a red flag.
But then I’m a Sagittarius. LOL.



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novice

posted June 15, 2009 at 7:49 pm


I found the post to be a valuable learning opportunity. This presented me with chance to take a look at my own insecurities and the ways I continue to look into the past. This is broader than a romantic relationship and involves all of our relationships with the people and things in our lives. Beyond the spiritual aspect however, I think that the guy’s girlfriend is full of crap and he should dump her immediately and find someone that appreciates him for who he is, and would rather spend that time with him.



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binko

posted June 15, 2009 at 7:53 pm


i believe that all relationships are about reproduction
it seems to me sid that you are in the throws of repro ha ha
if you take away the reproduction that is having a baby
than relationship is or should be all about kindness
its just that i am kind of old and i can look back on my youth
and see that the whole thing is about see above
but really the whole hting is about being kind
and gaining nirvana
it is important to remember that our actions count



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gfe cim

posted May 16, 2010 at 6:34 pm


It was very interesting for me to read the blog. Thanx for it. I like such themes and everything that is connected to this matter. I definitely want to read a bit more on this site soon.
Julia Hakkinen



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Julia Kuree

posted September 23, 2010 at 12:16 pm


Pretty nice place you’ve got here. Thanks for it. I like such themes and anything that is connected to this matter. I definitely want to read more soon.
Julia Kuree
girl paradise



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crackpatch

posted September 29, 2010 at 6:39 pm


Respect to the author of original work. I am want to say thanks for funny post, and thanks to google and yahoo for perfect blog search.



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