Okay what do I have to do today? Make breakfast, dry hair, pick out cute but functional outfit, get to work on time, while at work remember everything I need to do for all the students, during prep time do all my work efficiently so I can leave on time, get home and make healthy but quick dinner, do my laundry, write my blog article, write at least one page of my new play, check Facebook, check all three e-mail accounts, check weather forecast, check NY Times, e-mail more contacts about part time jobs, go jogging, call boyfriend, call mom, call dad, call best friend, text friends back about getting dinner on Tuesday, text therapist to reschedule appointment for Thursday instead of Tuesday, research apartments on craigslist, do eyedrops 4 times a day, figure out who to e-mail about my university health insurance, e-mail said health insurance person, make tomorrow’s lunch, shower, brush teeth, floss teeth, rinse with mouthwash, take allergy meds, go to sleep.
I must have forgotten something. Oh yeah. Meditate. Pencil that in after the allergy meds.
I look at this list and I think to myself, okay, I need to cut back on something, this is nuts. But everything seems so crucial. If I don’t write one new page of my play today, I didn’t fulfill that part of myself today. If I buy dinner instead of cook, I’m not eating healthy enough and not saving money. If I don’t check my e-mail(s) I could miss a time sensitive job offer. If I don’t check craigslist for an apartment then someone else may get the apartment I was supposed to have. If I don’t check Facebook then I may miss someone’s birthday. If…
Oh. Okay. Obsessive lady, turn the volume down a notch and listen. Reminder to self: you don’t have to, neither can you, accomplish every single thing every day.
I get so comfortable with the buzzing conference room that is my brain that I forget what peace and calm and inner quiet means. Sometimes it gets to the point where if I do have a day where I don’t have anything to do, I get nervous, thinking I must have forgotten something. I wonder what it’s going to take for me to learn to let myself be bored. And to make meditation a priority, not an afterthought.
At least I don’t have as much on my to-do list as this guy.