I don’t particularly like conflict. It makes me all sorts of uncomfortable. I was thinking about what Ellen Scordato wrote about sitting with her uncomfortableness in response to Emily Herzlin’s post this week. I have a very hard time sitting and observing people argue – even if it isn’t even that heated. If it is something that doesn’t involve me, I will often leave the room/situation if I can. If it does involve me, my first impulse is to solve the problem or  find a resolution the conflict.

The issue is that conflict happens all the time. Some people just naturally like to stir up trouble (“Let me play devil’s advocate and say…” ). Conflict can also be part of a healthy dialogue when people are trying to work out ideas – whether I am at work, school, volunteering, or participating in politics.

I find that I end up avoiding group decision making because I don’t like the conflict that happens – which leaves me doing stuff on my own. But as we have talked about a lot at IDP – we are interdependent and I want to be able to participate fully with others – including times of conflict – since this can be when voices are heard, compromises are formulated, decisions are made, etc…
Looking into the study of conflict, I found the very popular Thomas & Kilmann  model of conflict management:

What I find interesting is that this interpretation of conflict is so intellectual. When they explain the styles, it states that individuals usually have a preferred style that they use, but really all five styles are useful depending on the context of situation – the competitive style is good when quick action is vital; avoiding is best when an issues is trivial; etc… But that doesn’t cover all the emotions and personal experiences that underlie and lead to my “preferred” choice of handling conflict.
This is likely modeled on my family upbringing. Growing up, arguing was rare at home – my dad was highly opinionated and always right. This worked until I became a teenager and decided that I was right too, leading to a highly charged emotional outbursts that were not resolved in meaningful ways. So to me, arguing tends to feel highly personal, emotional, and threatening (aka the “competing” style) – which is why I try not to do it. On the other hand, my fiancé is always telling me to not take it personally – for him arguing is impersonal and often just to be ignored (aka the “avoiding” style).
So if our styles of conflict management rise from what we learned growing up, how do I learn to use a different style of  “conflict management” than what I am comfortable with? Is just practicing sitting with my discomfort enough?