O Me of Little Faith

O Me of Little Faith


Nicole Wick: The Worst Breakup Ever

posted by Jason Boyett

As I mentioned prior to last week’s post by Anna Broadway, I think it’s time to begin listening to other voices beside my own as we talk about religious doubt and spiritual uncertainty. I’m going to make this a regular feature on Fridays and hand the Bnet keys to other writers and bloggers to discuss the subject. My instructions to them are pretty simple: Write about doubt and how it has impacted you personally.

Today’s guest post comes from my friend Nicole Wick, a family counselor and prolific blogger from Michigan.

——————-

nicolewick.jpgI have a long and illustrious history of being in the wrong relationship
with the wrong man at the wrong time. That includes the man who was
way, many years older, the man (men?) I followed home from bars, and of
course the man who became a twice-convicted felon. It’s a beautiful
disaster, really.

Just as impressive as my dating history are my breakups. I’ve had some
real doozies, starting with my very first wide-ruled,
felt-tip-marker-written “Dear John” letter to my 6th grade sweetheart
(Jeffery, where did we go wrong?) right through being pushed against my
dorm room wall (yeah, it’s complicated). But none of it compares to my
absolute, dead worst breakup of all.

During the summer of 2005, I broke up with God.

It was a surprisingly amicable breakup. I decided that all of my prayers
weren’t really getting me anywhere, and I was angry. So one afternoon
(this really is a true story) I sat down for a quiet conversation with
God and let him know that we were going on a break. I was tired of
rolling his holy dice and thought I would try things my way. Ours was a
typical breakup conversation: “It’s not you, it’s me… except that it
really is you… I just need my space… Don’t call me, I’ll call
you….” You know, the usual. He took it all quite well, really.

At the time, my husband and I were in the midst of our third separation.
Third. I was miserable. And exhausted. For four years I had poured my
heart out to God. I prayed for reconciliation, restoration, and freedom
from an addiction that had torn us apart. And despite all of my tears
and all of my prayers, there we were, still trapped in all of our old
patterns. Needless to say, it sucked.

I grew up a devout Catholic girl and converted to Protestantism in my
late teens. I’ve always known God was there and have never doubted his
existence, but during that season I certainly doubted his goodness. I
doubted his willingness to hear my prayers, and I doubted his blessing.

And yet, in my doubt I loved him.

The afternoon of our breakup, I called my friend Kate and filled her in
on my conversation with God. I asked her to pray for me because I knew
that I needed it and that I wouldn’t be praying for myself. I guess you
could say that I even doubted my doubt. And then my silent treatment
began.

My breakup with God was much shorter than my breakup with my husband.
God and I were back together after about three months. And he remained
faithful even in my silence. When I look back and force myself to see
past my toddler-like behavior, it’s amazing to think about all that he
was revealing to me even as I pouted and kicked rocks.

I learned that he is a big, big God, capable of handling my angry words
and my criticism.

I learned that his arm is long enough enough to let me go and explore my
faith, or my lack thereof, all the while keeping me within his reach.

I learned that Psalm 86:15 is no joke. He really, truly is compassionate
and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in love and faithfulness.

I learned that it’s okay to doubt. He gets it. He got it that day on the
water with Peter and he got it during the great breakup of 2005.

And most importantly, I learned that even when I doubt, he loves.

——————-

Thank you, Nicole. Follow Nicole Wick on Twitter or Facebook.

And don’t miss her excellent blogging at her own site as well as at XXXchurch.

Her post yesterday about living in the present tense — despite your imperfections — is especially worthwhile.



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Janet Oberholtzer

posted July 23, 2010 at 8:35 am


I’ve had the same breakup a few years ago – actually I was just editing the chapter in my memoir called “Quitting God” yesterday.
In the middle of recovering from massive injuries, I was frustrated at my pain and limitations. I’d spent months trying to figure out God’s role in the trauma (if he had one or not) plus God wasn’t doing anything about my issues, so I stood in front of a mirror (somehow looking in a mirror made the moment more real) and said, “God, I quit. I’m done with you as I know you. I’ve had too much confusion and frustration, I can’t go on like this. It’s over.”
I held my breath, waiting for the proverbial lightening bolt, but none came, so I began breathing again.
After that I began a new relationship with my creator – couldn’t even use the word God for a long time, because it carried too much baggage with it. I was amazed at the love I felt after letting go of who I thought my creator is.
I’m think this comment needs to be blog post of my own … as soon as my new site gets up (any day now)



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Makeda

posted July 23, 2010 at 8:38 am


“I learned that his arm is long enough enough to let me go and explore my faith, or my lack thereof, all the while keeping me within his reach.”
What a beautiful statement and imagine of the unfailing love of the Father. He really can handle our doubts, questions and angry words. I love that you broke up with Him and still found Him there with you the whole time. Thanks so much for sharing this today. It really touched my heart. Sending you some love from the Carolinas.



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JennyRain

posted July 23, 2010 at 9:03 am


Nicole – this is so beautiful. I dont’ know if I’ve ever broken up w/God – I’ve definitely given Him the silent treatment before. Just thinking about it makes me sad. Ultimately, when I doubt the most is when I trust the least… something God has been working with me on both with Him and with relationships here. Thanks for the reminder that God is still there, even when we are silent towards Him.



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AymieJoi

posted July 23, 2010 at 9:08 am


I’ve broken up with God for extended periods of time twice. The first was when I was in college (a Christian college, no less) and the second was shortly after I left my family and friends and moved to a new state for a new job. Both times, the reason was the same: I was incredibly lonely and God didn’t seem to care. My lonliness was especially prounounced when I was in church, sitting by myself. The breakups ended when I decided that isolating myself from God wasn’t helping my situation at all because He was the only one I had to talk to… Ironic, really.
Thanks for the post, Nicole! It’s always nice when you find out you’re not the only one who feels a certain way : )



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Jason

posted July 23, 2010 at 9:22 am


Great post Nicole. I know I say it when you write this kind of thing on your blog but thanks for being willing to be honest in a world that’s not usually welcoming to that kind of thing. :)



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KatR

posted July 23, 2010 at 9:28 am


I’ve broken up with god because I finally realized his behavior would lead to a restraining order and jail time if done by a person.



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Mr. Big

posted July 23, 2010 at 9:31 am


I’ve broken up with the church in the past but never officially with God… but I have cheated on Him a bunch.
Great post Nicole. Thanks! I love hearing that He gets it.



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Amy Mingo

posted July 23, 2010 at 12:01 pm


Nicole, thank you for your honesty and for sharing your story. I too broke up with God for a time. I was angry over infertility and could not reconcile God’s command to be fruitful and multiply with our inability to do so. My break-up lasted nearly 3 years. At the end of it I came back to God. He had never left. During my isolation from God I too had the sense of His bigness and that He was OK with my anger and doubt and fear. I learned He is not threatened by my humanness. And when I was ready to reconcile? He held no grudge. He had no qualms about welcoming me back. Our reconciliation was instant, sweet, and so comforting. I was changed. God never will.



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@nicolewick

posted July 23, 2010 at 2:49 pm


Hey everyone! Thanks for sharing all of your kind words of encouragement not to mention you own breakup stories. I’ve loved reading them and seeing how similar our doubts can be. There’s so much comfort in that.
And Jason, thanks so much for asking me to share. I appreciate you and all of your doubts!



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Joel

posted July 24, 2010 at 1:10 am


I’ve never actually broken up with God. Partly, because I still embrace the patriarchical view and it would just be weird breaking up with a dude. I have, however, given him the finger multiple times. And, probably will do it again, too.



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Joy

posted July 25, 2010 at 4:29 pm


Nicole and Jason, I can’t tell you how much it means to read someone who admits to being angry with God, to “breaking up with God,” and how that all turned out. I too believe even in my doubt, which is why I can’t walk away. Despite all my questions, I keep looking for answers because I believe they are there. I just wish more people would be willing to share this because I know it would comfort the rest of us.



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Tigress Luv, the Breakup Guru

posted July 25, 2010 at 6:37 pm


I truly enjoyed this article! It’s ironic to me (in a sense) as in my line of work I find that more people ‘reunite’ with God during their breakups, rather than doubt their faith and turn their back on God. This may be because more and more people are leaving God and turning toward ‘self’… and, sadly, it often takes a devastating breakup to bring these people back to God (seeking comfort and peace). So, it was refreshing to see another angle to this. I guess it can go either way. Also, thank you for your humorous, lighthearted description of your past ‘boo-boo’s’ :)



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bondChristian

posted July 26, 2010 at 9:32 am


I enjoy these testimony posts, Jason. Keep ‘em coming.
-Marshall Jones Jr.



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g

posted January 16, 2011 at 12:15 pm


“. And despite all of my tears and all of my prayers, there we were, still trapped in all of our old patterns. Needless to say, it sucked.”
“I doubted his willingness to hear my prayers, and I doubted his blessing.”
There was a time I broke up with God…but I cmae back..now, the previous statements seem still true.
So now, I think God broke up with me, permanently, and the thought that it may be the case…seems beyond intolerable and painful.
People point the Bible and scriptures that say ‘He wouldn’t do that, but sadly I have a faith crisis that makes me doubt that the Bible really is ‘The word of the One and only God”.
SO I can’t say I have faith, I have hope, that He truly is that God and that he has not totally abandoned me but so far….silence.



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Shelly

posted August 22, 2012 at 11:16 am


Antogai, antogaispelltemple@yahoo.com I wanted to take a minute to thank you for all of your work and effort. I requested 2nd Degree binding love spell and received the strengthen our relationship love spell as my free spell and within 3 days Jerry was back and home with me and we are finally talking about marriage and kids! I cannot thank you enough for your spell casting services! I have already recommended two friends to you for help with their love lives !!!



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