O Me of Little Faith

O Me of Little Faith


Disturbing Christmas Ornaments

posted by Jason Boyett

Everybody has their own tastes in Christmas ornaments. We have two trees at our house. One is a smaller tree and is filled with ornaments our kids have created over the years. They get to decorate this one all on their own.

Our larger tree is filled with two kinds of ornaments: those we have purchased over the years to commemorate family trips (starting with our honeymoon), and a smattering of tasteful, elegant red ones. My wife and I get the kids to help us decorate this tree, but they do it under our supervision.

That being said, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to hang the following real ornaments on their trees:

The Skeletal Santa:

Mommy, what happens when Santa dies?

Santa doesn’t die, Jimmy, but unfortunately he IS subject to aging. He gets so old that eventually his skin disintegrates until he’s just a jolly, grinning skull. But the Santa hat is forever, so we’ll still know it’s him.

Get a skull-in-Santa-hat here.

———–

The Nearly-Devoured-by-Sea-Creatures Santa:

Maybe I’m looking at this wrong, but is that a ghostly pale Santa being torn to shreds by a clan of red sea urchins? I think it is. Probably explains why all the blood has drained from his face.

Get your scary-Santa-being-devoured ornament here.

———–

The Ropin’ Cowboy:


I just want to know this: Why does he have a looped lasso AND a string for hanging from the tree? Could you just combine those into one all-purpose ornament accessory?

Get your Brown Rodeo Round-Up Ornament here.

———–

The Fish-with-Makeup:

So, here’s the thought-process behind these handmade ornaments: 1) We should put some fish on our tree! 2) Those fish should have eyelashes! 3) Fish have big lips, so let’s put some lipstick on them! 4) Pass the bong! 5) What if one of the fish had human teeth? Yes! 6) Let’s sell these. People will love them.

Get your fish-with-makeup ornaments here.

———–

The Crap

You know what’s missing from my Christmas tree? Excrement, that’s what.

Get your Christmas poop ornament here.

———–

The Face of the Dark Side

I’m not sure what’s more disturbing: the visage of Darth Vader sharing space with Baby Jesus, or the fact that this polonaise glass ornament originally cost $79.99.

(Sorry, kids, this ornament is no longer available.)

———–

The Partial-Santa-Plus-Christ-Child

As inspired I am by the fact that Santa appears to be babysitting Jesus while Mary and Joseph go for a diaper run, I am equally horrified by the fact that Santa’s torso appears to have been severed from the waist down. Makes chimney landings a little sketchy, if you ask me.

Get your legless-Santa-and-Jesus ornament here.

———–

What’s the weirdest or most unique ornament on your tree?



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Ruth in the Desert

posted December 17, 2009 at 12:22 pm


It's hardly in the same class as these unclassy ornaments, but I have an alligator with wings and a Santa hat. I bought him when I was a career woman, and for some reason I named him Lloyd after my boss's boss.



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Matthew H. John

posted December 17, 2009 at 12:23 pm


I love how the Santa skull has a nose. Apparently Santa's been around long enough that the cartilage in his nose has calcified. Which is way less creepy — not to mention less realistic — than a Santa skull with a hole for a nose.



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Nadine

posted December 17, 2009 at 12:54 pm


My family has Ninja Santa. My brother (who's 24) made it when he was 6. It's supposed to be Father Christmas. Uh, creepiest Father Christmas EVER.See a pic here:http://nadinebells.com/index.php/2009/12/santas-standards/



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fairbaseballist

posted December 17, 2009 at 1:42 pm


I would have the cowboy on my tree. I'd put him right next to the accordion-playing nun.



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jason

posted December 17, 2009 at 2:48 pm


We have a Darth Vader ornament on our tree. Kinda feel like one pathetic loser now. Guess I'll go buy this tree to prove my love for Jesus.http://www.bosscreations.net



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Karen in Wichita

posted December 17, 2009 at 2:48 pm


Pretty sure I don't have any creepy ornaments for my tree, but since I haven't gotten the tree out yet I may just have blocked the memory.I did, however, own a fish with makeup. Not an ornament, but one of those goldfish (or related critter) that's white with orange bits. Mine had orange lipstick, and was named Tammy Faye. Her(?) partner Jim was a black moor, so the analogy wasn't perfect, but it still amused my late-80's self.



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Travis Thompson

posted December 17, 2009 at 11:09 pm


hilarious. where do you find this stuff?so we have some very random ornaments and they all have the same story behind them. my grandmother, as she has aged has continued her tradition of buying us all ornaments and as she has gotten older the ornaments have gotten weirder. like when I got babies first christmas when I wasn't even dating anyone…



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vanilla

posted December 18, 2009 at 6:45 am


Those may actually be the nine worst choices ever for the tree.



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Matt

posted December 18, 2009 at 12:20 pm


I've always found cross-themed Christmas ornaments wonderfully odd. Celebrating a child's birth using the means of his eventual execution is just so bizarre, but impossible to remove from the theology of christ. If Jesus had been born in another time, we might have electric chair, noose, or lethal injection ornaments.



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Tess Mallory

posted December 18, 2009 at 11:50 pm


Jason – I hope you check in to hear about this — my son has a Batman and Catwoman ornament that he proudly displays every year! THat might not seem weird, except he's 22 years old. This year he has his own tree in his apartment, which is pink (the tree not the apartment) and the Batman/Catwoman ornament is the only one on there I think. 'Tis the season. :)))



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Tess Mallory

posted December 18, 2009 at 11:51 pm


Also, I'm making my son-in-law a felt "Day of the Dead" ornament because he loves that celebration and loves skulls. I'll have to send you a pic when I finish it. :))



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eileen

posted December 20, 2009 at 7:47 pm


My favorite is The Nearly Swallowed By Sea Urchins Santa. The unintentional ones are the best!I have a clipping from a craft magazine somewhere that showed Santa riding a goose, his ermine trimmed gloves firmly grasping the bird's long neck…(picture that?)and I couldn't help but wonder how this had gotten past the initial design let alone marketing to make it into an ad.Ah well…wishing you an intentially Merry and joy filled Christmas!



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eileen

posted December 20, 2009 at 7:49 pm


Man! Make that *intentionally*First New Year's resolution: be more aware and *intentional* when typing…



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Lee Bezotte

posted December 22, 2009 at 7:55 pm


Got this one as a white elephant this year. Like a horrible thing I can't look away from… http://twitpic.com/uqaah



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