First, please look at this photo:
I know what you’re thinking: Can this photo even be improved? Clearly it is awesome already, what with the guy’s mullet perm, floppy hippie shirt, super-masculine power violin stance, and absence of feet. Also there’s the fact that he’s clearly playing his weird little violin in a barnyard.
This photo is already perfect on so many levels.
But what you don’t know is that it can be better. SO much better. For starters, let’s take the guy out of the barnyard and put him in a tropical rain forest. Then let’s put not one but two halos on his head, because he’s more than saintly. He’s bi-saintly. Also, that baggy shirt is a little dreary, don’t you think? Let’s make it glow in the dark.
AND, instead of playing and power-stancing in front an empty field of clover, let’s pretend he’s playing to a translucent fairy. Or that a translucent fairy is coming into creation by the sheer majesty of his music. Or something.
Let’s do those things, because doing those things will make the photo a whole lot more interesting. See?
Sweet Noah’s rainbow, that is one freaky portrait. But an artist named Erial Ali will gladly take your dull, uninteresting portrait and give it the fairy rainbow treatment in order to capture the essence of your celestial soul. They are called, appropriately enough, Celestial Soul Portraits, and you can see more Celestial Soul Portraits right here.
The artist makes these “soul portraits,” by the way, after “tuning into you” in order to “get your unique essence.”
Apparently, some subjects’ unique essence involves laser beams erupting from their foreheads, or the presence of mystical light-emitting scepters. I am not making this up. Please visit this site so you can see them for yourself. You will owe me one.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I know.
Don’t mock the authentic expression of someone’s heart, I know.
Snark is not becoming of you, I know.
But I am just a man. My inner discipline only goes so far. Any time your heart expresses itself via a business that involves Photoshopping trippy rainbows and fairies into photographs — and you call this somehow spiritual product “soul portraits” — then you are just asking for trouble.
If, by “trouble,” you mean “mockery.”
Now, please excuse me. I need to go out in the clover field to summon my personal fairy by playing my harmonica, and my Yanni shirt is at the cleaners.
(H/T to Nate for knowing me so well he felt compelled to send me this link.)