O Me of Little Faith

O Me of Little Faith


What I Wish My Husband Knew about Motherhood

posted by Jason Boyett

On Wednesday I asked for feedback from guys for a magazine article I’m writing. The topic: What I Wish My Wife Knew about Fatherhood. There have been some really insightful things mentioned so far in the comments to that post. I appreciate all of you who have taken the time to contribute honestly about some of these issues. It’s very helpful to me personally and pretty eye-opening, I think, for both husbands AND wives.

The piece I’m writing is only from the husband’s perspective, but this is an equal opportunity blog and I know I have plenty of female readers. So to keep things balanced — and because I think this is a fascinating topic — I want to turn the tables today.

Wives, it’s your turn: What do you wish your husband knew about being a mom?

The guys’ comments covered topics from fear/anxiety about child-raising, the struggles of “competitive” parenting, and the delicate dance of who initiates the couple’s sex life. Feel free to comment on any of these issues or bring up something entirely new. Because I am absolutely certain there are things women go through that we guys are completely in the dark about.

Fill us in, please, and let’s have another great discussion. Like the previous post, feel free to comment anonymously if that makes you more comfortable.



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Anonymous

posted November 20, 2009 at 9:29 am


oh come on.women say this stuff ALL the time!men are scared to death to say it.



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Anonymous today

posted November 20, 2009 at 10:08 am


I wish my husband knew how desperately I need to feel that he has the finances under control. Worrying every day that today I'm going to find out we're two house payments behind, or about to have our electricity turned off causes so much anxiety for me, and also hurts our relationship. I want to feel that my husband is protecting me, and I don't. When men are wondering why their wives don't seem interested in sex, maybe they need to take a look at this part of their relationship. It's hard to want to make love when you are terrified that you're about to be out on the street.



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Anonymous today

posted November 20, 2009 at 10:10 am


Just realized that my comment has nothing to do with Motherhood. But I have always been a Stay at Home mom. In order to feel like I can do that, I need to know my husband has the finances under control. I hope that makes sense.



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Jason Boyett

posted November 20, 2009 at 10:19 am


1st Anonymous: I disagree. Not every couple communicates stuff like this. But if you think it's dumb you don't have to participate.Anonymous Today: Doesn't just have to be motherhood related, so don't worry about that restriction. :)



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kate

posted November 20, 2009 at 10:51 am


jason, since we have no children yet, here are some ideas i have heard recently from friends:—i wish he would step up and support be in raising the kids with good discipline and consistency. he had a strict upbringing so he swings to the other side of things and does little to discipline the children. practical example: they don't go to bed for him, only me. —i wish he would realize what a huge responsibility it is to be at home all day, every day, raising the children. i need encouragement for all i do.—we are at a tough place when he gets home from work everyday. he wants to unwind, and i want to have an adult to talk to! (he seems annoyed that i have so much to talk about). i wish we could come to an understanding of each other's needs at that moment in the day so we both get what we need.—i wish he was home more. we have a good marriage, but in the last year he has gotten a new job and his boss makes him come in every night all the time for big projects. it seems the workplace can be out of control with working people ridiculous hours. what should our country have as a priority? family time or profit in the marketplace?? should my husband talk it over with the boss? should he try a new job? the first 6 months of our 1st born's life, my husband was at work a ton. and no, he wasnt "escaping"… he really was required to be working. horrible timing for a new mom.



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Nikki

posted November 20, 2009 at 11:01 am


I wish my husband could understand the need for "me time." Even if it's just taking a long bath or going to the store by myself so I can listen to something other than "Old McDonald Had a Farm." I'm a stay-at-home mom with a toddler, so obviously I never do anything alone. My nearest family is 1600 miles away, so no babysitters handy. My son is all but attached at my hip. If I walk in the kitchen, he walks in the kitchen, if I go to the bathroom, well (TMI alert) he's right there on my lap! I love him more than life itself, but I'm one of those people that needs alone time. My husband works a lot and I hate to foist the baby on him as soon as he gets home, but some days I need to. Sometimes, I'm jealous of his freedom, I mean, he gets to go on business lunches, and I don't always get the chance to eat in a day. But I know he's jealous of me for getting to stay home all day, so I guess neither of us really understands how the other one spends their days.(Great topic btw, Jason!)



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Carrie

posted November 20, 2009 at 11:46 am


What do I wish he knew about motherhood?That nothing, NOTHING (nothingnothingnothing) he's ever done or will ever do eclipses the fact that I carried and bore those children. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and I STILL deserve the credit, even 9 years later. I think I should get a parade on their birthdays, personally. ;)But seriously, Nolan doesn't understand the ferocity, the protective mother bear instinct I have to shield them from all the danger and ills of the world. Where it's his job to encourage them to be boys and explore and take risks, my first thought is to put them in a protective bubble so they'll be spared from any and all pain. We're still working on a middle ground, there.



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V. Higgins

posted November 20, 2009 at 12:35 pm


Not a momma yet but I have a feeling that these apply across the board…1) I work just as much as you do and sometimes longer… am I the only one who doesn't think it's fair that I do 90% of the housework? I'm just as tired at the end of the day as you, why do I always have to be the one to 'suck it up' so stuff gets done?2) It makes me nervous that you have no desire to spend alone time with God. I'm not saying you have to be the 'leader' spiritually (I mean, I *am* the one with the theology degree) but it comes across that you have no desire to grow in God unless He makes you… Any road that you go down… please remember you're taking me with you. (This also makes me nervous about having children in the future)3) You are so much better than you make yourself out to be. You are stronger and more passionate than you allow yourself to be. I'm not scared of that, I LOVE it!! Please don't be afraid to explore that part of you or to feel proud of yourself. You are an amazing man who I love and am blessed to be married to, please believe me when I tell you that.



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Anonymous

posted November 20, 2009 at 1:46 pm


Most of the comments yesterday and several today were of a home with a working dad and stay-at-home mom. We are in a situation where we both work. We both work hard and sometimes long hours, thankfully our long days don't (or have not yet) overlap each other. We view our marriage and parenthood as a partnership and have come to the realization that sometimes we have to agree to disagree and leave it at that. However, there are some things that I would remind my husband of.1) Being a mom is the hardest job I have ever had. I am frequently (some days constantly) torn between my monetary-work job and my mom-job. Sometimes the only thing I can do about it is tell you and ask you to listen (not fix it) and let me cry for a moment.2) Moms don't know everything about little girls and what goes through their minds. We have almost as many "What the hell?" moments with them as you do.3) I so appreciate all of the time you spend with the kids. They need to see the side of you that loves being with them and doing things with them.4) I appreciate you letting me discipline when I "get there first" and not contradicting me in front of the kids. I honestly try to do the same when the tables are turned.5) I love that you still love me as I am after becoming a mom. I don't have the same body (at least I don't think I do), don't have the same opinions, but you still love ME.6) I want sex with you as often as you want it. Yes, I said it – I like, no love, sex with you. …wish we did it more often… :-)7) No matter what, I LOVE YOU!!



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carandavis

posted November 20, 2009 at 1:55 pm


I've experienced – and other moms i know – frustration when it's assumed that we moms are the primary caregivers 24/7 – even when the men are home. Why is it assumed that I will watch our baby at all times unless he's specifically watching her "for me"? Thankfully this problem had eased now that our baby has gotten older and can entertain herself a bit. But this is the reason I haven't followed any TV shows in like 2 years!



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Mentanna

posted November 21, 2009 at 8:42 am


it isn't so much what i want my husband to know as what i want him to understand. there is a difference. he acknowledges many things but that isn't the same.i wish my hubbie understood that i am in some way always thinking about my kids. i can't help it. it comes with growing them inside my body. when he gets frustrated that i'm not making a quick decision, it is because i am considering two other little people as well. when he stands impatiently at the door waiting for me to leave, it is because i have thought of something else the kids need. a million little things wouldn't get done if moms didn't have this gift (or curse). this is why women can be so annoying with their directions for childcare when they leave. we have left before and had dad forget to put a coat on their child or make sure they had a snack.the reality is we don't make a decision, go anywhere, do anything without thinking through how it impacts not only us but our kids. they are ALWAYS on our minds, even in the smallest of ways.understanding this can translate into great benefits in the bedroom. we are much more open, and even desiring of sex, when we know the kids are down, everything for the next day is taken care of and the house is in order enough to allow us to relax. if dads want some at night then they should help us make lunches, fold the clothes and make sure the backpacks are ready to go. help is a powerful aphrodisiac! and that's all i have to say about that.



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Stretch Mark Mama

posted November 22, 2009 at 7:59 pm


Name: Lisa, married for 12 years, three kids (8, 5, 3). My husband is one of the more understanding ones, so I consider myself very blessed.My husband has always been one to pitch in and help with the kids and with housework — but he didn't do so on a more regular basis until we had two kids, and especially after the third kid. But what most dads don't know is that the mom is just as overwhelmed with one kid as she is with three. Looking back, I wish I would have asked for more help in the early years of parenthood.The other area where we still struggle with understanding with each other is in regards to date night. Hubs would really like to have a regular date night, but all that goes through my head is worry about money for a sitter, money for the date, figuring out who will watch my kids, arranging the sitter, getting the house ready for 'company,' prepping the kids' schedule for a night away, getting their dinner ready, the pajamas laid out, and MY WORD DO YOU SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING? :) For us — our compromise is often a movie at home after the kids are in bed. But it'd be great for an occasional night out where it truly felt like a 'night off' and not a night where I have to work 10X as hard.



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Stretch Mark Mama

posted November 22, 2009 at 10:19 pm


This is just a random thought about the "carried the baby inside me" mentions from above. Jason, no doubt you've written enough things to know to be aware of 'hot spots' — but I wanted to be sure that sensitivity to adoptive moms was shown in your article. I have both adopted and bio kids and am certain that the mentions from above weren't meant to offend (I wasn't offended) — but we have to be careful not to assume that moms whose babies have not grown inside feel like they don't have the same bond that bio moms have. Just my two cents. :)



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Anonymous

posted November 24, 2009 at 10:37 am


I'm showing up late to the party…I wish my husband knew that if one of our girls offends me with smart mouthing or poor attitude directed at me, he should be offended too. He'd defend me if a stranger on the street mouthed off at me, so why not a couple of teenagers who share his DNA?



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planeta

posted October 10, 2013 at 7:39 pm


What I Wish My Husband Knew about Motherhood?
Well we have to be careful



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