As an early Christmas gift for you, I am providing you a gift most of you will be able to use many times over the next year. As a Facebook user, I know how difficult it is to come up with creative and interesting status updates on a regular basis. Wouldn’t it be nice to just have a list to choose from? Especially a list based on the rap lyrics of classic Kool Moe Dee songs?
Of course it would.
When Kool Moe Dee was writing rap songs in his late-1980s heyday, I have to wonder if he was some sort of old-school, fortune-telling genius MC, because you can take almost any KMD couplet and come up with a good, concise personal update. It’s like he was composing, back then, for the yet-to-be-invented social networks of today.
So below are some status updates you can put to personal use. Just to keep from going overboard, I’m talking them only from the lyrics of two of his most famous singles: “Wild, Wild West” and “I Go to Work.” The latter song is particularly fruitful — especially for writers, as you will see.
For better comprehension, I may tweak the grammar slightly to make these lyrics work. I’m also formatting them in the familiar 3rd-person Facebooky way, using Jason is/was…
“Wild, Wild West” for Facebook
Jason was smooth, until someone pulled a gun.
Jason was flying, just like a track star.
Jason prefers to fight you on like a man and beat you down with his hands and bodyslam you…
Jason doesn’t start trouble, but boy, does he end it.
Jason’s time, he likes to spend it…snapping.
Jason will take time out to beat up a sucker, if he wants static.
Jason is talking about Nazareth, B.O., Tony and Milton, Mike Mike Sluggo, and Mike Chillion.
Jason fights with his hands and nobody’s a punk.
“I Go to Work” for Facebook
Jason goes to work like a doctor. When he rocks the mic you got to like the way he operates.
Jason makes miracles happen, just from rappin’.
Jason is so lyrically potent and he’s flowin’ and explodin’.
Jason is on the scene (mean).
Jason has the potential to make you go, then chill.
Jason’s got the credentials, that is of which he chose to make a rhyme and chill.
Jason will fulfill to make a couple of mill as he builds a guild.
Jason’s right-hand man is his mic stand and the microphone that he owns.
Jason’s game plan is keeping at a steady pace.
Jason intends to hit the top “just when I wanna.” And it’s a matter of time, and he’s gonna.
Jason sent ya runnin’ around, holdin’ your head, askin’ your homeboy, “Yo, man, you hear what he said?”
Jason is telling everybody hanging out on the block, “It’s time to wake up and check the clock.”
Jason is writing out word after word. With each letter it becomes visibly better.
Jason’s foundation built a nation of rappers.
Jason came to roam the land he owns and stand alone on the microphone.
Jason shows the suckers in the place who run their face the bass and a taste of who’s the ace.
Jason’s coming in first. With each verse, he builds a curse.
Jason has to slap you senseless with endless rhymes. (Don’t pretend this is anything short of stupendous.)
Jason’s gotta wait. It takes time. He don’t write — he builds a rhyme.
Jason draws plans, drafts the diagrams…an architect in effect (and it slams).
Jason goes to work like a boxer. He trains the brain and aims to outfox ya.
Jason’s rhyme knocks ya. Sometimes it rocks ya so hard it stops ya dead in your tracks.
Jason is coming with an endless amount of words in a hurry, like a flurry.
Jason’s got a hand of smoke writing at the speed of light with insight.
Jason wrote rhymes at a level so you can’t relate — unless you’re intelligent, so stay awake.
Jason is riding a crescendo wave to save the mental state of the fan so he can understand his pencil.
Jason flows. He throws all-pro.
Jason is not merely putting words together for recreation.
Jason gets paid to rock the nation.
Now it’s your turn: Using the comments section, find a Kool Moe Dee lyric — any song — and turn it into a Facebook update. Best one wins my utmost appreciation, and a promise to actually use it at some point.