O Me of Little Faith

The other day a friend of mine was showing off the fact that he had that cool iPhone application, Shazam, that appears in the commercial…you know, the one where you can hold it up to any song that’s playing and it’ll tell you 1) the name of the song; 2) the name of the artist; 3) where to buy it; and 4) hidden metaphors and/or lyric meanings you might not have been aware of. (Sample conversation: “Pour Some Sugar on Me” is about THAT?)

That’s a pretty useful application. It that got me to thinking. What are some other third-party iPhone apps I’d like to see written and made available? I don’t have an iPhone, but if I did, these are the things I’d like it to be able to do:

1. Unlockage: Hold your iPhone up to any combination lock and it will suss out the combination. Please use responsibly.

2. iMindTrick: Wave your iPhone in someone’s general direction while speaking confidently to them (example usage: “These are not the droids you’re looking for“) and the iPhone will actually implant that thought into their brains. Again, please use responsibly.

3. iSouperDuper: Fill pot with water. Turn on stove. Select app, then choose from a variety of tasty soup options, including chicken noodle, minestrone, and classic chili. After choosing your soup, stir iPhone into the pot of water and watch the water transform into delicious goodness. Season to taste.

4. HotPlate (shown at right): Turn the face of your iPhone into a quality heat source. Perfect for reheating coffee, grilling half-sandwiches, or warming your hands on the slopes.

5. iDentify: Like Shazam, only for people. Say you run into someone at a party. You know you’ve met them before, but you can’t remember their name. Hold your iPhone up to one of their eyes and select iDentify. It will perform a retinal scan and tell you not only their name and social security number, but also give you a chart of their brain activity.

6. SinFinder: Using the SinFinder app’s internal setting, your iPhone will vibrate when you personally commit any of a list of preprogrammed sins, including covetousness, envy, and lust. Or, you may switch to the external setting and turn it outward, receiving subtle notification when someone within 30 feet of you commits an act of iniquity. Ideally, SinFinder would also be customizable, allowing Southern Baptists, for instance to add alcohol consumption as an optional sin.

7. iMassage: Using a special high-powered vibration algorithm, simply remove your shirt, apply scented oil, place your iPhone on your back, and load up iMassage. It will slowly move across your aching muscles, applying gentle pressure while also playing a soft, contemplative Clannad tune.

iPhone code jockeys? Get to work. I will expect royalties should any of these apps become a hit.

What iPhone apps would you like to see?

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