O Me of Little Faith

I was a dorky teenager, so I can’t say I’ve never mooned anyone. I have. And in mixed company, too. But while my occasional moonings may have caused psychological harm to others, they never resulted in actual physical harm. Looks like I was lucky.

The Associated Press brings us this story today:

Dutch Man Injures Posterior in Mooning

UTRECHT — Utrecht police say a 21-year-old Dutch man is recovering after a “mooning” that went horribly wrong.

A police statement says the man and two others had run down a street in Utrecht with their pants pulled down in the back “for a joke.”

It says that at one point the 21-year-old “pushed his behind against the window of a restaurant” that broke and resulted in “deep wounds to his derriere.”

The statement released Tuesday says police detained the three men after the incident Sunday morning. But the cafe owner decided not to press charges after the men agreed to pay for the broken window.

The injured man was treated for his injuries at a nearby hospital.

Questions raised:

1. Who or what was on the other side of the broken window?

2. How hard do you have to push against a window with your derriere in order to break it?

3. Whose attention were the man trying to get with the stunt? Because in my experience, mooning only takes place to get someone’s attention. Probably a girl’s. This is ironic. There are few people in the world, for instance, who would have been impressed by the sight of my 16-year-old behind. None of them, I’m certain, were cute teenage girls.

Lessons learned:

1. Glass and bottoms don’t mix, unless they’re combined in a special boat meant for viewing coral reefs.

2. Running with your pants down, the event that proceeded the injury, is never a good idea. It’s just asking for trouble in the first place. The only time a person should ever run with his or her pants pulled down is if a bear interrupts you in an outhouse. I think that’s pretty much it.

3. One of the funniest and most painful phrases in the English language may, in fact, be “deep wounds to his derriere.” A life well-lived is one that finds a way to work that phrase into a conversation at least once a week.

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