(Part of a twelve part series. Click HERE to collect ’em all!)
The Sign: Taurus, the Bull
The Villain: Wilson Fisk, aka Kingpin (Marvel Comics, Daredevil)
Known For: Excellent taste in clothes, decor, and food. Soft spoken with a generally calm and stable demeanor until things don’t go his way… at which point there is likely to be a sudden outburst of unexpected violence. Likes to have everything under his control, exactly his way, because he knows better.
Favorite Things: Money. Pursuing a beautiful woman, collecting fine art, establishing absolute domination over the legal and illegal activities of his entire neighborhood.
Quote: “The Ranskahovs are no longer a part of this organization… since I removed Anatoly’s head with my car door.”
Compatible With: Virgo and Capricorn
Redeemable?: Absolutely. All he has to do is admit the error of his ways and relinquish the sense that he’s entitled to control everything, and learn to control his emotional sensitivity with something other than homicidal rage. So, um… probably not.
(Part of a twelve part series. Click HERE to collect ’em all!)
The Sign: Aries, The Ram
The Villain: Jason Voorhees from the Friday The 13th films
Known For: Aggressive opposition to teen sex, protecting his environment from campers, casual disregard for fashion standards, dogged determination. Relentless. Refuses to stay dead. Fondness for sharp objects. Doesn’t stop until his problem is solved. Unfortunately, that problem might be you.
Favorite Things: Jason had a bad childhood, but he’s not the kind of person who’s going to lie around on a therapist’s couch moaning about it. Jason loves to take direct action and confront his psychological issues by externalizing them. Then, he eviscerates them. That approach has save him a small fortune in counseling costs.
Quote: None (Jason doesn’t have time to talk things over)
Compatible With: Leo and Sagittarius
Redeemable?: Um… sure. Just as soon as you and everyone else on the planet gets as far away from him as possible, as soon as possible.
Here’s the most important astrological forecast of the month. Really? Yes! Why? Knowing when the Moon Void of Course is happening is probably the handiest of all the common astrological techniques. Learn it, make it work for you, and save yourself tons of unnecessary aggravation!
Seriously: you want to see what REAL astrology can REALLY do? Start by learning about the Void of Course Moon and then avoid starting new projects or initiatives during that time and you’ll be amazed by the results. You’ll be so amazing that they’ll probably put you in the next Avengers movie, and then just imagine the money you’ll make off of all that sweet action figure money!
(CLICK HERE for more on what The Void of Course Moon actually is, and what you can do about it — or rather, what you should avoid doing during that time. Looking for tips on handling those times when they happen? Click HERE.)
Now, back up and read that paragraph again, because there are some big whopping Voids happening this month.
Note: Times are for time zone 5 hours West. DST is observed. Particularly long and annoying Voids are marked with **
Apr 1, 2016 12:39 PM Moon sextile Venus V/C
Apr 1, 2016 9:37 PM Moon enters Aquarius
Apr 3, 2016 7:16 PM Moon sextile Mercury V/C
Apr 4, 2016 1:45 AM Moon enters Pisces
Apr 5, 2016 6:33 AM Moon sextile Pluto V/C
(Venus enters Aries, Mercury enters Taurus)
Apr 6, 2016 2:46 AM Moon enters Aries
Apr 7, 2016 10:56 AM Moon conjunct Uranus V/C**
(New Moon in Aries. Get outta my way!!)
Apr 8, 2016 2:10 AM Moon enters Taurus
Apr 9, 2016 5:49 AM Moon trine Pluto V/C**
Apr 10, 2016 1:59 AM Moon enters Gemini
Apr 11, 2016 2:57 PM Sun sextile Moon V/C**
Apr 12, 2016 4:06 AM Moon enters Cancer
Apr 13, 2016 11:59 PM Sun square Moon V/C
Apr 14, 2016 9:53 AM Moon enters Leo
Apr 16, 2016 1:48 PM Sun trine Moon V/C
Apr 16, 2016 7:23 PM Moon enters Virgo
Apr 17, 2016 Mars goes retrograde. Watch out who you pick a fight with.
Apr 18, 2016 8:29 AM Moon trine Mercury V/C**
Apr 19, 2016 7:24 AM Moon enters Libra
Apr 21, 2016 2:13 AM Moon opposite Uranus V/C**
Sun enters Taurus
Apr 21, 2016 8:17 PM Moon enters Scorpio
Apr 23, 2016 5:46 PM Moon opposite Mercury V/C
Apr 22, 2016 Full Moon in Scorpio. Insert “violent revenge” joke here.
Apr 24, 2016 8:46 AM Moon enters Sagittarius
Apr 26, 2016 11:51 AM Moon trine Venus V/C**
Apr 26, 2016 7:54 PM Moon enters Capricorn
Apr 28, 2016 Mercury goes retrograde. You cant relay to much on yor spel chek.
Apr 29, 2016 3:07 AM Moon square Venus V/C
Apr 29, 2016 4:47 AM Moon enters Aquarius
(SCENE: A large church, decorated for a wedding. Most of the guests are seated and await the beginning of the ceremony. In a corner away from the crowd stand GEMINI, VIRGO, and PISCES. GEMINI is in a wedding dress, and the other two are in bridesmaid’s dresses.)
ANNOUNCER: (voice off) Next on The Astrology Channel, it’s REAL HOUSEWIVES OF THE MUTABLE SIGNS! This week, the ladies are helping Gemini prepare for her big moment…
VIRGO: You know, Gemini, he’s all wrong for you! You really should think this through better.
GEMINI: Oh Virgo… he’s at least partly right! I mean, sure he’s got his issues, but I’m not getting any younger! Besides, everyone loves an excuse for a party. I could list off several reasons why this is a great idea!
VIRGO: That’s what you said the LAST four times.
PISCES: (Sobbing quietly into her handkerchief) This is so beautiful…
GEMINI: Oh, stop crying Pisces. The ceremony isn’t for another half hour yet.
VIRGO: I swear you haven’t thought this thing through. Are you sure you aren’t doing this to compete with the number of marriages Sagittarius has had? Hey, where did Sagittarius go?
GEMINI: Some idiot opened the bar before the ceremony!
(In the distance we hear a woman’s voice shouting “Yeee-HA!” as if she were competing in a rodeo.)
VIRGO: Sag, get down from there! No pole dancing until the reception!
GEMINI: Seriously, Virgo… he’s a great guy, I love him, and I could do plenty worse. Besides… his family is paying for this beautiful ceremony!
PISCES: (Still crying) Love is soooo beautiful…
GEMINI: Cut that out Pisces. Besides, if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. (shrugs) Life’s like that. I can’t believe you’re being so analytical about something like a wedding. It’s just not the time or place.
VIRGO: Speaking of “not the time or place,” where’s…
(There is a loud sound of crashing glass in the distance, and several unseen wedding guests gasp loudly. This is followed by another loud, prolonged “Yeee-HA!”)
VIRGO: That chandelier is rented, Sagittarius! Get off of it!
GEMINI: Besides, if things don’t work out with me and Chet… there’s always Steve. He called last night, did I tell you? He said he’s finally getting divorced!
(In the distance, a woman shouts “giddy up!”)
VIRGO: Hey, that’s Pisces’ husband! Get off of him!
PISCES: (Sniffling) Oh dammit… now I hate weddings! (Begins to sob uncontrollably)
GEMINI: (To Virgo) Okay, enough of this. I’m bored. Hey, wanna go hang out with Steve for a while…?