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Oh My Stars

Oh My Stars

The Astrology Of A Customer Service Call

posted by Matthew Currie

Today: a special blog entry that everyone can enjoy, whether they’re into astrology or not. If you are a fan of astrology, read on. If not, skip ahead to the part after the video. Either way, everyone wins!

***

Astrology can predict the general course of a day, but just because you’re having “good transits” on a day doesn’t necessarily mean everything is going to go your way. Case in point: today, when transiting Venus is conjunct my Jupiter, and transiting Jupiter in Leo is trine my Mercury and North Node and opposite my natal Venus.

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Overall, this should be a good day for me. Please keep this in mind as you read on about my attempts to get Internet service at my new apartment — getting the service done on time may have been doomed to failure, but hey, I got a blog entry out of it, right? Keep reading, and do have a look at the bottom of this blog entry for my Specials on both Readings and my new Subscription Service… once I have Internet again, that is.

***

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I was having a good day, my heart all filled with that love ‘n light feeling that I so often get from the pure thrill of being alive. I had just moved to my new apartment, and it’s a nice place for me to be self-employed. Or rather it will be, once the Internet gets hooked up.   There has been a delay with getting my connection. The installer from my (alleged) future Internet company came by yesterday, sat in his truck outside on his phone for at least 25 minutes, and then called and claimed he would have to return tomorrow — “first thing,” he said — to do the work of connecting one of the world’s newest and most awesome (I’m told) fiber optic networks from somewhere on the street level to my apartment.

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I won’t give away the name of the company involved, but if you want to do some research, its name starts with a V (as in “VERY difficult to get things done on time”) and rhymes with “Horizon” (which is a distant point one can see but can never actually reach). This particular company — again, no names! — cut an exclusive deal to provide New York City with a fiber optic network that was supposed to reach everyone by 2014, but thanks to some weasel words in the agreement, only reaches somewhere between half and three-quarters of the city, and mostly the more fashionable and high-end parts of NYC at that.

Here’s a hint as to where I live: if you are picturing the average professional blogger as living in some sort of glass-encased palace like Superman’s Fortress Of Solitude high atop the Manhattan skyline, you need to know more professional bloggers. Ask around at your nearest soup kitchen or dive bar — everyone knows us there.

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Like many of you out there, I am self-employed, and my Internet connection is as vital to me as nets are to a fisherman, cutting implements to a butcher, or plausible deniability to a corporate executive or Member of Congress. So, you can imagine my frustration when yesterday the installer… whose name I didn’t get, so I will simply refer to him as “FGWSIHTOHPANGOFHAH” — that’s short for “Fat Guy Who Stayed In His Truck On His Phone And Never Got Out For Half An Hour” — showed up and left without doing anything. After calling me and directing me to go back and forth from window to window in my third-floor apartment so he could size up the layout without actually risking the stairs, FGWSIHTOHPANGOFHAH left saying that he’d be back tomorrow. “First thing!” FGWSIHTOHPANGOFHAH said.

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By noon today, FGWSIHTOHPANGOFHAH had not shown up, so I called Starts With V Rhymes With Horizon to inquire as to the installer’s whereabouts. Perhaps FGWSIHTOHPANGOFHAH had succubed to the heat, or had contracted some terrible rare illness that only those who work with one of the world’s newest and most awesome (I’m told) fiber optic networks come down with. That may in fact be what happened, because even after a 47 minute call to Customer Service, Starts With V Rhymes With Horizon was completely unable to contact or locate my new friend FGWSIHTOHPANGOFHAH. I was assured though that we would be contacted as soon as Starts With V Rhymes With Horizon knew what was up, and that with luck I would have my Internet service by the end of the day. As of this writing, that seems really unlikely, but hey… I am a Love and Light kinda guy and I still believe in Santa, so maybe things will work out all right.

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However, in the event you ever find yourself in a similar situation, stranded on hold with Customer Service looking for a missing installer, let me leave you with what I said to the Customer Service Rep. Feel free to quote me verbatim (or improvise based on my wording) next time you find yourself in hold looking for your own FGWSIHTOHPANGOFHAH.

“First of all, in case anyone asks, you have done an excellent job. I’ve done your job myself, for a different company. And I want you to know that anyone who calls up and blames you personally for their Internet issues clearly doesn’t get the point of how these things work. “I know that your job is subject to certain metrics, including average call length. But if your job is anything like mine used to be, I know you have a system for exempting call to take a particularly long time like this one has.

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“So let me leave you with a final thought, one that will not do your job any harm, and may in fact give you another thing your company a certain sense of perspective.

“You sound young to me (but I won’t ask, because that’s a personal question). Before the dawn of the Internet age, off the top of my head, I can name a number of countries that the United States invaded and/or bombed into submission. Vietnam, Cambodia, Korea, Japan, Germany, and Italy, in reverse order. Next time you’re on a break and standing around the coffee machine with your coworkers… and I do hope your company is not a bunch of jerks who bill you for every cup of coffee, because even the slaves who built the pyramids were given free beer in order to motivate them to keep working… there is a subject I’d like you to bring up with your friends there.

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“Of the countries I named (with the exception of North Korea because North Korea is an exception to everything) how many of those countries now on average get faster Internet service than the United States?

“Please don’t take my word for this. You can look it up for yourself, based on the assumption that your Internet is connected, of course. And as a follow-up: if you or any of your coworkers have highly placed friends in the White House or the Pentagon, could you please instruct them to invade and bomb New York City as quickly as possible? If they require a rationale for taking this action, please tell them that although New York City may not currently be packed to the brim with Angry Revolutionaries, but at this rate it soon will be.

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“Again: I realize this is not your fault, neither is it your fault that your employer roped New York City into an exclusive fiber optic network deal with your company, which your company is now largely abandoning because 4G service is more profitable, in anticipation of a merger with yet another very large Internet provider — one whose name rhymes with Crime-Scorner. “I’m just saying that Internet infrastructure is now almost as important to the American economy as paved roads and telephone lines once were. For may of us in the modern world, Internet service are part of our means of production.

“To be honest with you, I love capitalism. I am no Marxist. However, even a broken clock is right twice a day, and Karl Marx had certain things to say about people who “control the means of production” that somewhat ring true to me… and these things have certainly been enough to spur a lot of anger and brick-throwing over the years in various places. And if there is one thing history has taught us, it is that (at least in the short term) a mob of angry peasants with torches do not always make the wisest long-term decisions for either themselves or others. Thus, I figure a quick and easy wave of Predator drones directed against the Big Apple could ultimately be good news for everyone, and would likely get me world-class Internet sooner.

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True Story: There’s an Internet company that can get you a 40 mb/second connection in Baghdad!

“So: I urge you to discuss these matters, calmly and rationally, with your coworkers and/or The White House and/or The Pentagon. Because I’m guessing that the system you have in place right now works just fine for your CEO… who, by the way, made over $36 million in 2012… but for the rest of us? Not so much. “In conclusion: I do hope they aren’t billing you for your coffee. Thank you for your time… now, you get back to work. Pharaoh’s Pyramid ain’t gonna build itself!”

Want a free e-book? Sure you do! Click HERE!

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Questions about your birth chart, or astrology in general? Want to know more about my big discount on readings for new clients? Want a free month of my NEW Subscription Service? Write me for details!

CLICK HERE to join the Oh My Stars Facebook Fan Page, and get exclusive content, an additional discount on a reading, more material on blog entries, AND ANOTHER free e-book!

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Fun And Fabulous Prizes With Jupiter In Leo!

posted by Matthew Currie

Astrologers tend to get terribly excited when Jupiter changes Sign, particularly when it’s entering one with a reputation for being “fun” like Leo does. When that happens, it’s time for the astrologers to break out all the keywords like “expansive” and “growth” and “wow, I had such a great time – wait, where are my pants?”

Let’s be honest here: after dealing with the potential rage the comes with Mars, the cold and crusty indifference of Saturn, the freaky unpredictability of Uranus, and the death-stare of Pluto, astrologers are thrilled to write about Jupiter.

Jupiter is generally considered to be the ruler of good cheer and good times. Yes, a Jupiter transit can be every bit as thrilling and fortunate as appearing on a game show… but: let’s not forget what happens to the majority of contestants on game shows eventually…

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But seriously, folks: Jupiter changing Signs usually represents a year of changing fortunes, and often for the better, in one of the departments of your life. It does represent new opportunities and new horizons.

Rather than take the usual approach and break these things down by Sign (although I will admit that, yes, Cancer and Cancer Rising people do in fact stand a good chance of making a lot more money in the next year), let me lay out the potential effects of Jupiter in Leo at various periods for the rest of its trip through Leo.

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July 26th-August 15th: Whoa there, settle down big fella! Mars enters Scorpio, and is square Jupiter. You (and everyone else) will likely be on overdrive, and with the relative inaction you may have experienced during Mars in Libra, the temptation may be to just bulldoze your way through any opposition.

Mid-September: Jupiter square Saturn and trine Uranus. You have brilliant solutions to all of your problems, and if only the Entire Material Universe weren’t getting in the way, you’d be running the place by now. Keep calm, carry on, AND wear a helmet just to be safe.

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October 8th: A Lunar Eclipse is closely sextile and trine Jupiter. If you have any major placements around 15-17 degrees of the Fire or Air Signs, you may find Fate suddenly intervening in your life… and it’s on your side for once.

November: Jupiter square Saturn sees many of the same obstacles that mid-September presented, except without so much help from Uranus.

December 8th: Jupiter turns retrograde at 22 Leo. This could be an especially beneficial time if you have a major placement around 18-24 degrees of the Fire or Air Signs, and could be a huge nuisance if you have a major placement around 18-24 degrees of Taurus or Scorpio, or for those Houses in your chart.

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January 1st 2015: Happy New Year, and Happy Exact Mars-Jupiter Opposition! A better-than average opportunity for drunken brawls, unwise romantic encounters, and blistering hangovers. You’ve been warned!

Mid February-End Of March: Jupiter trine Uranus, except this time without Saturn messing things up so much. Let your brilliant ideas fly (provided you aren’t violating the Laws of Physics. In the event of a conflict between “your brilliant ideas” and “the laws of Physics,” Physics still wins).

April 9th: Jupiter goes direct again. Expect happy results for your major placements near 10-14 of the Fire or Air Signs, and loan your tranquilizers out to your friends with major placements in the same degrees of Taurus or Scorpio.

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June-mid July, 2015: Jupiter trine Uranus again. By now, your Taurus and Scorpio friends have you on speed dial, they’ve hopefully gotten their own prescriptions, and you’ve learned some patience.

Mid July-Early August: Saturn sneaks back far enough into Scorpio to square Jupiter as it leaves Leo. Your Taurus and Scorpio placements are overcoming their challenges and becoming transcendentally aware of the nature of Existence Itself… or have perhaps checked themselves in for a long stay at a recovery center in the countryside.

August 12, 2015: As is so often the case with a planetary transit through Leo, the party is over, and now it’s Virgo’s time to clean up the mess.

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Want a free e-book? Sure you do! Click HERE!

Questions about your birth chart, or astrology in general? Want to know more about my big discount on readings for new clients? Want a free month of my NEW Subscription Service? Write me for details!

CLICK HERE to join the Oh My Stars Facebook Fan Page, and get exclusive content, an additional discount on a reading, more material on blog entries, AND ANOTHER free e-book!

PS: Daft Punk, people!

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Let’s All Enjoy Robin Thicke’s Pluto Square!

posted by Matthew Currie

(WARNING: Your Humble Astrologer is still in the final throes of transiting Mars square his natal Mars, and is thus still a bit prone to crankiness. You’ve been warned.)

When transiting Pluto is square where it was in your birth chart, it can represent a monumental challenge to the very core of your being. It is a long and slow transit, and it’s often hard to point at the day and say “this is the day when my Pluto Square caught up with me.” It often builds slowly and imperceptibly, until its results are suddenly impossible to ignore… a bit like a glacier sneaking up on you while you’re not looking, even though in hindsight it should have been obvious.

The Pluto Square, regardless of your age, is kind of “midlife crisis.” It can shake you to your foundations, and sometimes represents the biggest challenge you’ll ever face. People born between October 1975-March 1976 or August 1976-October 1978 are experiencing it now, and you can learn more about that transit by clicking here.

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Sometimes, though, there is good to be had from it. Usually the things that are being disrupted in your life needed to be challenged anyway. Often, what you rebuild for yourself afterwards is stronger and more true.

Every once in a while, though, there is the special case where the Pluto Square… someone else’s Pluto Square, that is… can actually be a good and enjoyable thing.

Yes, folks, I’m talking about my favorite German word: schadenfreude. “Schadenfreude” is the little thrill one gets when you see something bad happen to someone who deserves it: the  guilty pleasure one gets when one sees the villain in a movie get his comeuppance, or when that jerk who was always annoying you at work get fired. As earthly delights go, schadenfreude is not one we should take pride in. But is it an undeniable part of the human experience.

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For those of you who like to keep their astrology all “love and light,” please stop reading now and come back for the next blog entry. Or if you want just the astrology, skip to the part below the video.

For the rest of us, though? Let’s have a Moment Of Snark about Robin Thicke!

***

No one would ever mistake an intimate knowledge of the lyrics of Top 40 hits for a degree in Women’s Studies. But even by the less than perfectly enlightened standards popular music presents, “Blurred Lines” is an epic masterpiece of objectification: an ode to the delights of a woman experiencing… ahem… diminished consent.

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Furthermore, it’s just a terrible song. Being a big hit in the nightclubs does not require Shakespearean levels of wit in the lyrics, or a Mozart-like grasp of musicality. Even so, by most standards, “Blurred Lines” is a really horrid song, and it’s all the more inexplicable to me that Billboard named it “Song of the Summer” last year. Some “Songs of the summer” linger on as classics, and some drift into obscurity. Personally, I had already started to forget “Blurred Lines” 45 seconds into the first time I heard it.

That’s enough about my personal musical tastes — wait, no it’s not! Billboard, what were you thinking? You had Carly Rae Jepson, Katy Perry, and Daft Punk to choose from when it came to “Song of the Summer 2013.” Daft Punk, people!

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Honestly? I’ve yet to make it all the way through “Blurred Lines” once, despite my insistence on doing thorough research for you, Dear Reader. The thing is not only immediately musically forgettable and the lyrics are terrible (when they aren’t just being offensive). So rather than subject your sensibilities to that, here instead is an infinitely more respectful, musically satisfying, artistically accomplished ode to the love between a man and woman: Robin’s dad, Alan Thicke, singing “Sweaty And Hot” at The 1988 Crystal Light National Aerobic Championship.

Frankly, it’s terrible. But it’s still better and more sincere than “Blurred Lines.”

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You’re welcome.

***

And now, the astrology.

Robin Thicke was born March 10, 1977, time unknown, Los Angeles California. As a Pisces with Moon in Scorpio (we think), he can be expected to take his emotional attachments fairly seriously. The most prominent emotional attachment in his life has been that with his wife Paula Patton, born December 5, 1975, time unknown, also in Los Angeles.

The two met when he was 14 years old and had been a steady couple more or less ever since. Robin inherited his father’s musical talents and released his first album, A Beautiful World, in 2003. His first major hit with “Lost Without You” on his next album in 2006. In both cases all the songs on the album were obsessively about Paula.

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Musically, Robin’s style has always been that sort of mid-tempo R&B ballad that is radio friendly without breaking any significant ground… the sort of thing that appears as the fourth or fifth song on the soundtrack of a romantic comedy. Still, everything Robin wrote seemed to be about and/or dedicated to Paula.

As Pluto entered Capricorn in 2009 there was a subtle but important shift in Robin’s work. Slightly edgier, but still dedicated to his wife. There were some hints of difficulty, but overall he still seemed pretty attached to the Missus.

Then, in 2013, Robin had his biggest hit, and the marriage promptly fell apart.

“Blurred Lines” was a gigantic hit and drew the ire of not just feminists, but in fact regular decent people everywhere. Robin’s general tone about Paula didn’t change in public though. He said she was just fine with the naked women in the video. He claimed she was perfectly okay with the idea of an “open marriage.” He said she got over it when pictures leaked of him with his hands all over some blonde socialite.

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And as Robin’s Pluto Square approached the exact degree, Paula dumped him.

***

So this year, Robin came out with an album that once more was completely dedicated to Paula. In fact, the title of the album is “Paula.” The entire thing is dedicated to getting her back.

“Paula,” by most people standards, had a disastrous debut. It’s a little less than 530 copies its first week in the United Kingdom. It fewer than 54 copies in Australia, where it was beaten by (among other things) a Blondie compilation and a duet from Australia’s “The Voice” doing a cover of “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” Since then, it has recovered a little, but the creepy and stalker-ish collection of songs on the album is still considered a major flop.

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Also, critics agree:  it’s pretty lousy, featuring such timeless lyrics as…

I gotta get her go, get her go, get her go, get her back/I gotta get her go, get her go, get her go, get her back/I gotta treat her right, I gotta cherish her for life/I gotta get her go, get her go, get her go, get her tonight

‘Cause all I wanna do/Is keep her love/Keep her love/Keep her satisfied/All I wanna do/Is make it right’Make it right/Is make you smile tonight/All I wanna do/Is give you that thing, play you that song, you and your girlfriend sing/All I wanna do/Is get you back tonight

I gotta get her go, get her go, get her go, get her back/I gotta get her go, get her go, get her go, get her back/I gotta treat her right, I gotta cherish her for life/I gotta get her go, get her go, get her go, get her tonight

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Or, my favorite:

And she couldn’t be with someone like her dad/And I just rewarded her with my drunken rants

Better update the pass code on your security alarm, Paula.

Or: perhaps I’m just being too hard on the guy. Perhaps Robin has learned something from his Pluto Square.

Nah. I doubt it.

Robin Thicke’s Pluto Square has at least another year to go. Good luck, Robin. You’ll need it.

Want a free e-book? Sure you do! Click HERE!

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Questions about your birth chart, or astrology in general? Want to know more about my big discount on readings for new clients? Want a free month of my NEW Subscription Service? Write me for details!

CLICK HERE to join the Oh My Stars Facebook Fan Page, and get exclusive content, an additional discount on a reading, more material on blog entries, AND ANOTHER free e-book!

PS: Daft Punk, people!

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Weekly Horoscope, July 14-20, 2014: Now With MORE Free Will!

posted by Matthew Currie

We are coming off of a particularly raucous Full Moon. There’s all sorts of cosmic pushing and pulling and jockeying for position going on in the coming two weeks: Jupiter enters Leo, Mars leaves Libra for Scorpio, and the Saturn Uranus quincunx is happening. Keep checking back here and I’ll have updates on those for all of you.

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***

Undoubtedly, many of you will be asking “why is this happening to me?” It might make it a good time for you to get a reading from an astrologer. Or, if you’re looking for a more general answer, don’t take my word for things… watch this brief video and you’ll get a partial answer from The Supreme Being Himself.

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Hope that was helpful!

***

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Here is your homework assignment for this week: go back and look at the state of your life in May 2007. It’s important for two reasons: first of all, Saturn is square where it was back then. Many of the same structural tensions and strains you’re facing now will be an echo of what you were facing back then. It’s also the last time there was a Saturn Uranus quincunx, so whatever variety of The Crazy your outside world was looking like then could also be reflected in your outside life now. There will likely be some clues in there as to what it is you need to face, live up to, fix, discard, or upgrade this time around.

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Now, the forecast:

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

It looks like it’s going to be a fairly cheerful and bouncy week for you. Just make sure that you don’t bounce into any mind fields. Remember: just because you feel like playing doesn’t mean others necessarily do. Don’t fret though: there’s fun coming this summer.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

It’s a busy and productive week, and you can really get things done. I know, that doesn’t sound like as much fun as it could be. Just get ahead at work this week, then you’ll be able to enjoy looking over your shoulder and laughing at your coworkers as they fall behind.

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Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Take pride in your achievements. Take pride in the many and varied people who think highly of you. And for heaven’s sake take some pride in your appearance, because everyone seems to be evaluating you this week.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

If people rubbing you the wrong way could be converted into cash, people would be rubbing you like Aladdin’s lamp all day long. Set aside your aggravations this week and rub yourself. Wait, I mean… convert your aggravations into hard work and you’ll do well.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Your parents may have told you you’d never get rich becoming a philosophy major, but this week your ability to stick to all that “higher mind” stuff will get you through a lot of minor hassles. Eyes on the prize, and swat your problems like flies!

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Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

There are some weeks when you simply have to “fake it until you make it.” The good news is that, this week, that approach will be fairly successful for you. Don’t be afraid to improvise. Remember: if you look like you know what you’re doing, others will probably play along.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Have you noticed how long you’ve been pushing to get your way with things? This week might involve a little less “pushing” and a little more “getting.” Start planning your charm offensive in the workplace now. A change is coming, but you’re building that change right now.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

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Have you ever noticed how futile it is when someone tells you to “calm down,” “cheer up,” or “take it easy”? The reason people say those things is because it’s nicer than saying “sit down, shut up, and take a pill.” So I guess what I’m trying to say here is… umm… don’t worry, Scorpio, next week will be a little more sensible.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

No, you are not crazy. Everything really is starting to lighten up for you a little. People and circumstances are generally starting to play along better with you. Now like I said… you’re not crazy, so put the gun down. You can’t have your way with everything all at once.

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Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Your hard work speaks for itself, and there’s absolutely no reason why you should have to show off or kiss up to anyone in order to get the recognition you deserve. No reason other than, of course, people are dense. Think of it as “value enhancement” rather than “butt-smooching.”

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

There is often little point in telling an Aquarius to stay grounded, even when one needs to hear that in a week like this. So, go ahead: flap your arms and shout “I’m flying!” while you’re running around like a chicken with its head cut off this week, and see how far that gets you.

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Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

They say that “the devil is in the details,” but if you look hard enough you might find some angels in there too. Revamping your approach to life’s daily details will have its rewards. Things you thought needed to be discarded may just need a little renovation.

Want a free e-book? Sure you do! Click HERE!

Questions about your birth chart, or astrology in general? Want to know more about my big discount on readings for new clients? Want a free month of my NEW Subscription Service? Write me for details!

CLICK HERE to join the Oh My Stars Facebook Fan Page, and get exclusive content, an additional discount on a reading, more material on blog entries, AND ANOTHER free e-book!

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