(SCENE: The Astrological Locker Room, at halftime. CANCER sits alone, slumped over with face in both hands. THE COACH enters and blows a whistle, startling CANCER out of the dejection, momentarily.)
COACH: Okay, listen up! You’re doing great out there kid, great! You’re halfway through the Uranus-Pluto square! The next exact date happens in December, and then next March. Then you’re pretty much coasting out of the woods until 2017. Maybe 2018, depending on how much orb you give it.
(CANCER slumps again)
COACH: Hey, none of that! Chin up, you’re holding up under the pressure fantastically! I know, I know, you’re thinking “how much longer can this go on?” Well, keep it together Cancer. Before this, Gemini had to put up with a decade of Pluto in its opposite sign, And Gemini turned out just fine. (Turns to address the corner of the locker room) You’re doing fine, right Gemini?
(Sitting on the floor in a corner of the locker room, dressed in a hospital gown and slippers, is GEMINI. GEMINI is rocking back and forth and is holding a crayon, drawing stick men running away from a tyrannosaurus. GEMINI’s eyes are wide open and staring at nothing in particular. Gemini has one eyebrow shaved off.)
GEMINI: Fuh. Fuh. Fuh fuh fuh. Fine! Fine! I’m fine! Fuhfuhfuh.
COACH: That’s the stuff, Gemini!
GEMINI: Nurse… come soon…?
COACH: (Returning his attention to CANCER) Here’s the key to pulling this off. Ever notice how most of the other animal symbols in the Zodiac have skeletons? You don’t. Your soft squidginess is all hidden under that shell of yours, and that means if you want to grow, you’re going to have to shed your shell! Shake it off! You can do this! That which does not kill you makes you stronger!
Oh, and: Happy Birthday.
Now, here’s what you can expect over the next twelve months.
JULY: Saturn goes direct in your Fifth House, and Jupiter enters your Second House. Let’s not forget that Saturn has been on your side for a while now, and we will be for most of this year. Nobody thinks of Saturn as “fun,” but having it in a nice constructive trine to your Sign can help you hold it together when everything is hitting the fan. Also, Jupiter entering your Second House ought to at least be good for a few bucks over the course of the next year. Go ahead, spend it on therapy. You know you want to.
AUGUST: The money comes in and the money goes out. You will have a stronger than average urge to spend it on recreation, and I say go right ahead kid. You’ve earned it.
SEPTEMBER: Well, Pluto has finally come out of its long retrograde, and Venus in Virgo may see you doing some mental and emotional healing. Try a little tenderness… on yourself.
OCTOBER: Now here’s where things get tricky: there are two eclipses in October, and the first one on October 8th is a Solar Eclipse in Libra and Aries, closely aspecting Uranus. Look back to whatever subject areas of your life were driving you crazy in April and May, and then brace yourself for some unexpected changes, for either better or worse, in those areas. How exciting!
NOVEMBER: By recent standards, November should turn out to be pretty peaceful for you. Also, Neptune comes off its retrograde. And hey, a word about Neptune: it’s going to be in Pisces until 2025… even longer than Pluto is going to be in your opposite sign Capricorn. You’ve always been the imaginative type, and Neptune spending a decade yet in your Ninth House may literally help you dream up a better life for yourself. So, no matter what hits, don’t be afraid to pull up a vibe and get groovy with it. Things will work out in the end.
DECEMBER: Saturn finally moves out of your Fifth House and into your Sixth House. That means that the heavy burden that you’ve sometimes been feeling around romance and children and creativity will suddenly shift to… well, little pieces of everything. You will be spending the next couple of years facing any consequences from either disorganization or ignoring your health. But don’t worry, you can get it together. You might want to borrow a Virgo for that.
JANUARY: Four words… Let’s Get It On!
FEBRUARY: That groaning noise you’re hearing is the sound of another exact Uranus-Pluto square. Sorry about that, but hey… at least it’s the last time for the exact aspect. You’ve made it this far, and you’ll carry on. Venus and Mars passing through your Ninth House should give all that higher mind stuff a boost so at least now you can see a purpose to all the hoo-hah you’ve been through in the last couple of years. Yeah, that’s right: I said “hoo-hah.”
MARCH: Saturn goes retrograde, so getting your act together with practical matters may be a little trickier than usual. Mars passing through Aries will see you a little more aggravated than usual too. But hey… you can do this kid!
APRIL: Is it time for a break? Yes. Yes it is. With the Sun, Mercury, Venus, and Mars all passing through your 11th House, Taurus, it’s time to get out and kick it with your friends. Remember those people? Yeah, there still on your side. And if not: it’s a good time to get some new ones.
Go out and play!
MAY: Venus enters your own Sign, and love is in the air. Well at least, you probably look really good. Enjoy it.
JUNE: Neptune goes retrograde again, but is particularly strong this month. Dream it, believe it, and make it real. And hey: did I mention there’s no more exact Uranus-Pluto squares again? Yeah?