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Oh My Stars

matthew currie astrology rapture

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(ATTENTION BELIEFNET EDITORS: please make sure this doesn’t run until after the predicted Rapture (scheduled for this Sunday) happens — that is, if any of you are still here. It would be just plain embarrassing otherwise!)

Dear friends and regular readers:

Part of my job is to predict the future, and usually I get it right. However since I am a mere human being, my track record is not perfect. Thus, I would like to formally apologize to everyone here reading this today. I had assumed that the Rapture which was predicted to occur on September 23rd of this year wasn’t going to happen, as so many other Raptures and/or returns of Jesus have failed to manifest.

I knew of a psychic, one who bills herself as a good Christian, who tried to warn us all about this… and now she is presumably up in the clouds with Jesus, partying with St. Augustine and shouting “so long, suckers!” down at the rest of us. You can always tell that she was a good Christian by how often she told you she was, and about her enthusiasm for posting anything anti-Muslim on her website — in much the same way that you can tell a person is a good vegan by how loudly they shout whenever they see an ad on TV for Burger King.

Like thousands of others on Facebook and Twitter, this Christian psychic (let’s call her “Annie”) posted material claiming that, for astrological reasons, it was more or less obvious that the Biblically-predicted end of the world would begin on September 23rd of this year. Like many who are not as good a Christian as Annie, I dismissed these claims. But apparently the Book of Revelations has a verse in it indicating that this month’s New Moon was clearly indicative that the end of times had arrived. Here is the verse in question:

Revelation 12, verses 1-2 (New International Version)
A great sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the Sun, with the Moon under her feet and a crown of twelve stars on her head. She was pregnant and cried out in pain as she was about to give birth.

And yes, September 23rd did see a New Moon occurring at the “feet” of the constellation Virgo, with the planet Jupiter in roughly the position of Virgo’s womb (denoting “the birth or return of a King), and Virgo was also accompanied by Mercury, Venus, and Mars (which combined with the nine most prominent stars of Leo, kind-of sort-of forms “a crown of twelve stars” on Virgo’s “head.”

Foolish disbelieving me! I ran this configuration through some software and discovered that this particular combination had in fact happened at least four times in the last thousand years. Since Jesus didn’t return on any of those occasions, I naturally assumed that it would be business as usual here on Earth after this New Moon.

Furthermore, I neglected to factor in the role the planet Nibiru would play in all this. I was skeptical. I was disbelieving. I completely dismissed the possibility that the scientifically impossible planet Nibiru would suddenly spring into existence, sweep past the Earth with Jesus writing on it like a cowboy, and scoop up the few good Christians like Psychic Annie and leave the rest of us down here to suffer at the hands of the Antichrist.

Please accept my apology, dear reader. I will gladly answer any and all of your individual questions about this, but not in the next couple of days. Like you and everyone else left behind here, I’m going to be busy looting canned goods, hoarding weapons, and awaiting the mark of the beast — in exactly the same way that I presume you and everyone else out there is doing today.

(ATTENTION BELIEFNET EDITORS: In the event this article is not needed on the 24th, please save it for the predicted Apocalypse of 2022. Hope you are all safe.)

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