Beliefnet
Oh My Stars

beliefnet astrology matthew currie unicornAstrology is like life itself: complex and highly detailed. Astrology is also like life itself in that it can be over simplified for quick and immediate yet usually awful results.

Let’s say you’re a freelance writer who knows squat about astrology. But you’ve already finished cranking out articles for your clickbait site about the nutritional benefits of rubbing quinoa on your face, five signs that you’re not as attractive as you think (and what you can do about that), nine indicators that your spouse is cheating on you, and so on. You need to expand your market. You need to find more things you don’t really understand to dump your words onto for a few extra bucks per month. Lucky you, there’s a way to do that, and all you have to do is abuse astrology!

Each sign boils down to a basic clear-cut concept. It doesn’t matter that this approach is ridiculously reductive, or that it can do actual harm. You’re a busy professional and you have website space to fill! So here’s what you do: simply pick the one key concept for each sign and type to your heart’s content based on these horrible and inaccurate cliches. Here’s a list:

ARIES: Bold (or, pushy)
TAURUS: Sensual (or, lazy)
GEMINI: Intelligent (or, deceptive)
CANCER: Caring (or, bitchy)
LEO: Regal (or, pompous)
VIRGO: Exacting (or, picky)
LIBRA: Attentive (or, wishy-washy)
SCORPIO: Determined (or, obnoxious)
SAGITTARIUS: Freedom-oriented (or, a runner)
CAPRICORN: Solid (or, stodgy)
AQUARIUS: Innovative (or, weird)
PISCES: Sensitive (or, a crybaby)

Now, make up a catchy headline like “Why Each Sign Is A Great (or Terrible) Choice For a Relationship” or “Which Sun Signs Are The Best (or Worst) Bosses” or whatever. Example:

“Gemini is a wonderful marriage partner, because they always keep things lively”
…OR…
“Gemini is a terrible marriage partner, because they’re always focused somewhere else.”

“Capricorn makes a great parent because they understand that a child needs a sense of structure”
…OR…
“Capricorn is a terrible parent because they aren’t emotionally responsive.”

See how quick and easy it is to dismiss the complexity of human existence? See how convenient it is to simultaneously act like you know astrology while reducing it all to simple Sun Sign crap? That sort of thing virtually writes itself. Even better: you can write one article for one site and then write the opposite article for another one. Remember: your masterpiece about “The Most Underrated Band Of The Nineties” is just a few adjectives from being “The Most Overrated Bands Of The Nineties.” Your time as a writer is precious… why waste any of it being original, or learning a subject before you write about it?

***

So, rather obviously, I’m being sarcastic about all this. Also, rather obviously, I spent too much time on the internet lately reading really really terrible astrology material. I urge you to stop clicking on such things as soon as possible.

On the other hand? If you really think rubbing quinoa on your face is a good idea, knock yourself out. Just don’t pretend that this is a substitute for proper medical advice, any more than believing painfully generic Sun Sign crap is a substitute for real astrology.

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