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Oh My Stars

I woke up with a strange, uneasy feeling this morning, as if something major and world-shattering had happened. “I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened,” as my old teacher would have put it. Was it something as petty as, say, a Presidential candidate misusing charitable funds to settle personal lawsuits? Nope. Was it something as un-noteworthy as an aid convoy in Syria getting blown up? Nah.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are getting divorced.

Unfortunately this heralds the end of one of modern societies most profitable lines of inquiry: when will Brad and Angelina break up? Seriously: have a dig through your old supply of tabloids and see how many times they’ve been reported to be on the verge of a break up. I believe the first rumors of a split between the two of them began approximately six months before they actually met.

I admit that, for someone who makes a living writing for the internet, I have almost been tempted to write about these two many times in the last few years, and I don’t think I have more than once. That was an article about general compatibility, and guess what? It turns out that otherwise compatible people, when subjected to stressful transits, can actually break up. Surprise!

Here’s the astrological postmortem:

Brad Pitt (December 18 1963, 6:31 AM, Shawnee Oklahoma)

beliefnet astrology matthew currie brad pitt

Two of the most important points in the birth chart related to marriage are the Descendant and the planet that rules it. In this case, the transits are obvious and classic. Transiting Saturn is approaching the exact conjunction to Brad’s Ascendant — and remember, the Ascendant and the Descendant are always exactly opposite, so this means transiting Saturn is opposite the Descendant. Transiting Neptune (dissolution) is also square the Ascendant/Descendant axis.

Brad’s Descendant is ruled by Mercury, and transiting Pluto is conjunct his natal Mercury... again, classic. For bonus points, transiting Uranus is square his natal Moon-Venus conjunction, which indicates disruption to his emotional core (Moon) and around the people or things he loves (Venus).

Angelina Jolie (June 4, 1975, 9:09 AM, Los Angeles California)

beliefnet astrology matthew currie angelina jolie

Angelina’s Seventh House is taking a beating now too. It’s ruled by Saturn, and transiting Pluto is opposite her natal Saturn. For bonus points: that Pluto transit is also square her natal Moon (emotional self) and Jupiter (the natural planetary ruler of committed relationships). Finally, transiting Saturn is conjunct her natal Neptune and opposite her Sun… and transiting Neptune is square both those points, as was that last Solar Eclipse in Virgo.

So: ouch. No matter how compatible Brad and Angelina are, making it through transits like that is not going to be easy, at all… even without the pressures of fame and six children.

***

But don’t worry: the Brangelina publicity industry isn’t dead just yet. Most of the transits the cause this breakup have a long time to go yet, and there is plenty of opportunity yet for Brad and Angelina to get back together, then break up, then get back together… or at least many opportunities for the tabloids to write about such things allegedly going on. But of course, the stories about ugly legal feuding will have to come first.

Eventually though, the matter will fade and the two will go on to lead their own lives. At that point America can get on with obsessing over the real business of the day. Not the economy, not international affairs, not health or education or immigration or taxation… the real big issue America faces.

When will Jennifer Aniston hurry up and have a baby already?

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