Oh My Stars

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Matthew Currie is in the hospital, recovering from having an infected Chiron removed. In his absence we present answers to your questions from a guest blogger, astrologer and author of several autobiographies Ilsa Spamalot, who is really very famous and it’s not her fault if you haven’t heard of her.)

Dear Astrologer:

I have been in a relationship with a man I really like since last year, and I’m not sure how much he really wants to commit. I have a long history of abandonment issues and being cheated on. The other day I was looking at his birth chart and realized he had Venus in Aquarius. Is he likely to not commit to me or to cheat on me?

Name Withheld

Dear Ms. Withheld:

Forget about the idea that your own issues may be causing you to misread this situation. Don’t worry that projecting previous relationship problems onto the new one is a self-fulfilling prophesy. Let’s focus on his Venus in Aquarius, which means that he will never ever commit and be faithful. Never. No no no no no. Astrology has inflexible rules, and one of them is that “Venus in Aquarius is always bad.” Another rule is “all men are dogs.” My husband, like all men, is either a dog and/or a source of amusement (depending on which Sign the Moon is in at the time), and he also has a Venus in his birth chart. The only reason our marriage has lasted over twenty years is that I have some Libra somewhere or other in my birth chart, and knew enough to apply an ankle monitor to him after the second date.

Dear Guru:

My boyfriend’s Saturn is square my Neptune. My understanding is that this is an very difficult aspect for a relationship. But both his Saturn and my Neptune are well-aspected. Does that make it easier for us to deal with the negative effects of that aspect?


Dear Anonymous:

I’m not sure what you’re asking here, so let me simplify this by making it about me.

I let my husband out for his traditional 30 minutes in the yard the other day when he made some unusual grunting noises, indicating he had a question or observation — we’ve been together a long time, so I’ve learned to read those kinds of subtle indicators. When I removed his ball gag, he said “Your Saturn squares my Mars, so you really get off on oppressing me, don’t you?”

I replaced the ball gag and carefully considered his question. After some pondering, I replied: “You’re no astrologer! I’m the astrologer! I understand relationships waaaaaay better than you do! Now shut up, and now you owe me for a reading!” He moaned his usual pathetic moan as I re-attached his collar and dragged him to his cell in the basement. Silly boy.

Please contact me about a reading as soon as you can, Anonymous. Your love life is doomed and only my wisdom can save it.

Dear Stargazer:

Please help me. My family is falling apart due to some very deep personal issues. My husband doesn’t like his job anymore, claims our relationship is growing stagnant, and my sixteen year old daughter has gone from a straight-A student to a B-plus student. I am a Cancer, and would die of embarrassment if anyone knew about this, so please don’t print my name.

No Names Please

Dear Janice M. Walpole of 4126 South Walnut Avenue, Bellvue Nebraska:

Your situation sounds like a complex one. Fortunately you can solve all this by doing exactly what I would do under the circumstances. Find a creative outlet for your marital frustrations. You could take up cross stitch and produce some samplers that amusingly point out his flaws. Or take up photography and publish embarrassingly-captioned pictures of him on Instagram. Or you could take up writing a blog where every little burp he produces turns into a pitch for your relationship counseling business.

As for your daughter: she’s almost ready to move out on her own. Keep picking on her so that when she does, she moves far away. Now is the time to start spreading rumors that she is terminally ill. That way, when she does finally leave, you can milk her “death” for maximum sympathy instead of having to face your failings as a parent.

(Ilsa Spamalot is an astrologer and the author of “Me And My Fascinating Teen Years” and “Better Living By Doing It Ilsa’s Way.” She is available for private readings, and if Matthew Currie’s empathy and knowledge aren’t your cup of tea, drop her a line!)

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