Oh My Stars

beliefnet astrology matthew currie cat

Capricorn cats are ambitious.

I am genuinely grateful for the opportunity to write about astrology for Beliefnet (World’s Biggest Spirituality Web Site, yo!). Even though it’s not the sort of place a lot of people may expect to find astrology, they’ve made room for me — and I’m thankful for that.

I’ve written astrologically-based material for other web sites before, and mostly the experience has been good. However, there’s at least one site I’ve written for that demanded nothing but “Sun Sign” stuff, and as a result is actively dumbing down the entire process without realizing it (or caring, for that matter). Go on, admit it: you’ve read that sort of thing before, and (if it’s engagingly written) it can actually be slightly less than a complete waste of your time.  Slightly less. Mostly. Sometimes.

The only advantage to doing astrology that way is if you’re writing it for a living, are up against a deadline, and care absolutely nothing for your craft.

Here, let me give you an example of what I’m talking about. I’m sure it will seem at least a little familiar to you somehow…



By astrologer Ima Hack

Aries: Your cat will boldly assert his or her right to take a lot of naps.

Taurus: Your cat likes eating… and taking lots of naps.

Gemini: This cat has thought about it from all possible angles, and has decided the best idea is to take a nap.

Cancer: Your cat likes to hide his/her sensitivities by taking a lot of naps.

Leo: All that drama can sure make a cat tired, so expect this one to take lots of naps.

Virgo: This cat is very particular… especially about taking naps.

Libra: “Can I take a nap now? If that’s all right with you that is. Just a little nap? Okay. I knew you would understand.”

Scorpio: This cat is intensely focused on taking naps. Also, a Scorpio cat is constantly planning revenge, because apparently that’s what Scorpios do.

Sagittarius: Your cat values his or her independence and freedom, because it means he or she can take naps whenever he or she wants to.

Capricorn: This cat appreciates a sense of structure and order, which he/she gets from regularly scheduled naps.

Aquarius: This cat is unafraid to do its own thing… which mostly involves taking a nap.

Pisces: Your cat is a sensitive dreamer. Mostly “a dreamer” though, because he or she takes a lot of naps.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Ima Hack has been a professional astrologer for the last three lifetimes. She thinks of herself as being “a wandering Gypsy fortune teller,” and has no idea that “Gypsy” is a somewhat-offensive term for an actual ethnic group, and calling herself that is as offensively stereotypical as calling herself “a Mexican who enjoys siestas while wearing a really big hat.” Now, click on the ad for the incontinence products on the right hand side of this page and all will be forgiven.


NEXT TIME: Actual astrology.

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