Oh My Stars

Aquarius is high-minded and likes to live a life uncompromised by mere human failings in pursuit of its goals. Venus is all about the Love, and the little personal touches that make life a better place. What will happen when these two meet? Will it be a powerful fusion of hopes and dreams? Or, as great 20th Century philosopher Alice Cooper said: “is dis Love… or is dyslexia?” Read on and find out!


February 16, 2016: Venus enters Aquarius

After the hard work and determination I put in to find love in Capricorn, I moved on to the shiny steel tower of Aquarius Industries. Everyone says Aquarius has high ideals and that sounded exactly like what I had been looking for. My Inner Goddess chattered like a nervous squirrel in anticipation of my meeting with Mr. Aquarius.

I bit my lip with nervousness and went in.

February 17, 2016: Venus semisquare Saturn

“Wow,” I said after a long pause to deliberate. “You sure have a lot of stuff you own, and stuff.”

“You are a dumb person and I don’t like you,” Mr. Aquarius said. “Most people are dumb, and you are one of them. However, if you are willing to learn from the example I can set for you, you can be less dumb. I am successful and you are dumb.”

My Inner Goddess quietly wept in agreement. I bit my lip at the frustration I was feeling, because I found Mr. Aquarius very attractive. “I would like to see you again some time,” I finally told him.

Mr. Aquarius leaned in over his desk and threw his ham sandwich at me. “You are dumb. Maybe I’ll see you again some time.”

February 20, 2016: Venus semi-square Chiron

The package arrived unexpectedly from Aquarius Industries. I opened it and it contained a first edition copy of Tess Of The D’Urbervilles, which is my favorite book! My Inner Goddess started break-dancing. Mr. Aquarius was interested in me as a person, and my feelings and things! Woo hoo!

There was a note inside from him. “I have done extensive research on you, and have come to the conclusion you are probably very vulnerable and probably have a bunch of childhood issues that can be leveraged against you. I find that attractive. Here is a dumb book you’ll probably like.”

I bit my lip with arousal.

February 21-22, 2016: Venus quintile Uranus and Venus quintile Mars

Mr. Aquarius picked me up for our date with his helicopter, chopping off the top third of the tree in my yard upon takeoff. He said we have potential, but that first I would have to agree to something. I bit my lip with anticipation and read the non-disclosure agreement he handed me. It was so… sexy!

We arrived at his place and he took me to his sex dungeon. My Inner Goddess recoiled in horror. “Hey,” Mr. Aquarius said, “we have potential but first you’ll have to…”

He produced several yards of nylon rope. “…You’ll have to learn the ropes!

I smiled. “You thought that was funny because you are dumb,” he said, and then he slapped me.

I fell in love immediately.

February 29, 2016: Venus sextile Saturn

“It’s time to make this relationship more solid,” Mr. Aquarius said. My Inner Goddess vomited with pure delight. “Since I believe in fair play and equality, here is a Slave Contract for you to sign. Sign it sign it sign it!”

I bit my lip as I concentrated to read the fourteen pages of small print.

“Hurry up and sign it,” Mr. Aquarius said. “You are aging and losing market value with every passing second. You want a committed relationship or not?”

I hesitated. Mr. Aquarius threw a ham sandwich at me, so I signed the agreement. Truly, this was Love!

March 2, 2016: Venus sextile Uranus

Things were getting weird but exciting. The sex was unlike anything I had imagined: spending hours hanging upside down from the ceiling while Mr. Aquarius shouted memorized passages from Mein Kamph in a high pitched cartoonish voice while wearing only a Puritan-style hat and bunny slippers. My Inner Goddess was serving pancakes of sheer delight!

“This is so thrilling!” I said. “So unique and diffferent and unusual and stuff!”

“In nearly all the matters in which the Pan-German movement was wanting, the attitude of the Christian Social Party was correct and well-planned!” Mr. Aquarius shouted at me as he slapped my face with a ham sandwich. I bit my lip and tasted mustard.

March 3, 2016: Venus quincunx Jupiter

It occurred to me as I posed on my hands and knees on Mr. Aquarius’ living room carpet that there was something about this relationship that was not fulfilling me in the ways I wanted. I bit my lip thoughtfully as I pondered this.
“Mr. Aquarius,” I said hesitantly, “things have been getting excessive recently, but I’m not sure that ‘excess’ is actually the same thing as ‘more loving.’ In fact, I’m beginning to think your, um, overly-intellectualized approach isn’t really my thing.”

Mr. Aquarius continued to rest his feet on my back as he read his magazine. “You are a coffee table. And you are dumb.”

My Inner Goddess started re-considering her options.

March 12, 2016: Venus leaves Aquarius

“Well, that was fun… not!” I said as I walked out the door, leaving Mr. Aquarius for good. “You strange ideas and tastes are no substitute for genuine affection. I’m moving on to Pisces, where I can find some depth of feeling.”

“But, but, but, but I love you!” Mr. Aquarius said, almost choking on his ham sandwich.

“Shut up. You are dumb,” I said as I left. My Inner Goddess started to do something, but I told her to sit down and shut up. Perhaps I’d have better luck with Pisces, or at least find something to help my terrible swollen lip problem.

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