“The Bachelor: Aries”: He wants to get married… right now! Hurry up and grab your veil, the cab’s waiting! What the hell are you waiting for? Next week: Aries runs away.

“Cutthroat Kitchen”: In one of the challenges an opponent tries to get his hands on Taurus’s supply of pastry dough. Taurus, in turn, displays excellent knife skills. Hilarity and tourniquets ensue.

“Big Brother”: Open friendships and secret alliances collide! Intrigue and deception lead to villainous victories and tragic defeats! That’s right: it’s three months with a Gemini, trapped in a house all by himself.

“Cupcake Wars”: Cancer is having a bad day and has decided to focus all her emotions on food and defensiveness. An attempted intervention leads to violence. Never try to talk Cancer out of a mood… or a cupcake.

“America’s Got The Talent Of A Fifth Grader”: …but don’t tell The Tap-Dancing Leos they stink, or you’ll never hear the end of it. Say nice things about their hair instead.

“Hell’s Bathroom”: Is there anything these Virgos won’t clean? This week: critiquing the roommate (Viewer Discretion – Language, filth).

“Wife Swap”: Libras adapt to entirely new domestic situations with completely different partners. Then Libras adapt to a new lifestyle and new kids. The Libra has to adapt to divorce papers from their original spouses.

“The Voice”: Scorpio is listening to every word you say, and will never forget it. Scorpio is also listening to everything you aren’t saying and won’t forget that either. This is one game you aren’t going to win.

“So You Think You Can Walk And Chew Gum At The Same Time?”: Sagittariuses test the limits of their dexterity and of  safe behavior.

“Pimp My Mom”: Capricorn finds creative ways to stretch the domestic budget. This week: Mom works a convention, Capricorn invests in mutual funds.

“Keeping Up With The Cardassians”: No, not “the Kardashians.” We’re talking about Cardassians, the alien species from Star Trek… and if anyone can keep up with extraterrestrials, it’s an Aquarius.

“Intervention”: Addiction, compassion and suffering as a family tries to wean their Pisces off of her addiction to watching “Intervention.”

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