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Oh My Stars

LAST TIME ON THIS BLOG: Your friendly neighborhood astrologer Matthew Currie was griping at length about New Age practitioners who tack “astrologer” onto their job description without really knowing much astrology, when he was suddenly struck on the head by a copy of Manly P. Hall’s The Secret Teachings of All Ages. At this point Matthew began to channel The Right Reverend Rama Lama Ding Donghotep, an ancient being of great spiritual power and the founder of Discount Ascension©, which embraces both lost ancient spiritual wisdom and modern culture into a single dynamic package designed to get you enlightened in a hurry.

What is Ascension?
The Right Reverend Rama Lama Ding Donghotep sayeth: Ascension is when you move upwards and onwards as a spiritual being. In past this has usually been achieved by doing something called “dying.” However in the last few decades some sources have marketed ate notion of Ascension that involves becoming a Being Of Light and leaping out of your body and leaving those other jerks on Earth far behind as you become a profound spiritual being. This will not only make you a supremely enlightened luminous being, but save you a small fortune on funeral expenses.

What is Discount Ascension©?
The Right Reverend Rama Lama Ding Donghotep sayeth: Discount Ascension© is different because it will cost you less and get you results sooner. By “cost less” I mean it won’t take all of your income, and by “sooner” remember that I speak as an Enlightened Being, and to us all points in time and space take place on a continuum called Real Soon Now.

What’s with the copyright symbol?
The Right Reverend Rama Lama Ding Donghotep sayeth: It’s not a copyright symbol. It is an ancient Lemurian Glyph that contains a great deal of wisdom. The word it represents combines a number of concepts, including “unity with the divine,” “life purpose,” and “these statements are not legally actionable, so don’t even try.”

Why do I need to ascend?
The Right Reverend Rama Lama Ding Donghotep sayeth: because as it stands right now your mind is trapped in your body.  Your body is a lumpy, squishy thing like a chrysalis. However, with the proper spiritual guidance, one day that chrysalis could break open and from within will emerge a beautiful rhinoceros.

Why not a beautiful butterfly?
The Right Reverend Rama Lama Ding Donghotep sayeth: Are you kidding me? Butterflies never get their way with anything. On the other hand only a maniac interferes with a rhinoceros. Honestly, which would you rather be?

What are the symptoms I may be ready to ascend?
The Right Reverend Rama Lama Ding Donghotep sayeth: Headache, nausea, stress, irritation, a curiosity about Ascension… or a lack of those symptoms, or some combination of the above. You won’t know for sure until you have booked your first session!

What about previous ascended masters like Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad, Batman…?
The Right Reverend Rama Lama Ding Donghotep sayeth: There have been many messengers throughout human history, but as time goes on their essential messages get corrupted. Many religions that once respected peace have now been turned to conflict and warfare. Buddhism eschewed materialism, but you can spend thousand on Buddha trinkets now without ever meditating even once. And that whole current storyline where Bruce Wayne is happily adjusted and has retired and Commissioner Gordon is Batman now? That’s totally bogus, and in your heart you know it.

Have I had past lives?
The Right Reverend Rama Lama Ding Donghotep sayeth: Sure you have! Sign up for my exclusive course, “Oh No, Not This Crap Again!”

What about aliens?
The Right Reverend Rama Lama Ding Donghotep sayeth: Sure, all you want, why not? Sign up for my exclusive course, “Far Beyond TheRegular Weirdos: Maybe You’re One Too!”

Will you help me find my soulmate?
The Right Reverend Rama Lama Ding Donghotep sayeth: Yeah, you’ve got lots of those, no problem.

Will you help me find my Twin Flame?
The Right Reverend Rama Lama Ding Donghotep sayeth: Yes, and when you get sick of that one I’ll help you find another Twin Flame.

Um, okay, Will this at least help me get a date?
The Right Reverend Rama Lama Ding Donghotep sayeth: Are you flirting with me? Because that’s nice, but you’re already getting the maximum discount.

What about Earth changes? Will there be Earth changes?
The Right Reverend Rama Lama Ding Donghotep sayeth: You bet! Big scary ones too! Part of becoming an enlightened master under discount ascension is the ability to stay afraid much of the time… specifically, by maintaining the fear that you haven’t ascended far enough or fast enough before a swarm of earthquakes or the poles reversing or a sharknado gets you.
Yes. I know. This is a shocking thing to hear from an Ascended Master, but I remind you that all ascended masters say shocking things sometimes. Jesus once said: “Let the dead bury their own dead.” Batman once said: “I’ve taken enough grief about calling my g—–n car the g—–n Batmobile. I’m the g—–n Batman and I can call my car whatever the hell I want to.” What’s truly shocking is that you haven’t sent me your donation yet.

What’s in it for you, Right Reverend Rama Lama Ding Donghotep?
The Right Reverend Rama Lama Ding Donghotep sayeth: Most Ascended Masters become the focus of huge, wealthy global churches. All I am asking for is a three bedroom condo with a view and maid service. You get saved, and I pass the savings on to you!

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