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Oh My Stars

Many of you know that using astrology and understanding what The Universe has in store for you is a powerful tool for making your world and those of others a better place. But how you use it is up to you, and knowing what the cosmic conditions are like can uplift and enlighten you and those around you. Or, you can be a… um, powerful tool in an entirely different way if you choose to.

Sunday is Mother’s Day, one of the year’s more problematic occasions that often dredges up bad feelings and old animosities and resentment and all the things that can go horribly wrong with the parent-child relationship. So, bearing that it mind, here is how you can use the astrology of this Mother’s Day to be a jerk — or rather how you could use it.

(Of course you shouldn’t do these things no matter what your upbringing was like, you little ingrate. And if you do… well, just you wait until your Father gets home.)

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Go ahead, pick up the phone and play this at Mom real loud.

This Mother’s Day…

The Sun is in Taurus. Taurus is noted for its stubbornness, so whatever you do don’t play along with what Mom wants to do today. Mom’s allergic to dairy and gluten? Go for a pizza. You’re paying, right?

The Moon is in Aquarius. Aquarius is noted more for Universal Love and Understanding than for the up close and personal, one-on-one type of love. When you get to the pizza joint (or seafood, or whatever Mom is allergic to — you’re paying, right? ) sit with a large group of strangers. Make an excuse to leave after five minutes and wander off to the mall for an hour. Mom needs to get out and meet more people.

Mercury is in Gemini. This is an excellent placement for starting a conversation. Bring up how your own birth chart would be much more effective and harmonious if Mom had just held you in a few more hours and you had a different Rising Sign, or a different Moon Sign if she had just bothered to stay in labor a couple of extra days. What was she thinking, anyway?

Venus is in Cancer. This placement likes to show affection through sentimental gestures and by recalling old memories. Ask Mom about that pony or bagpipes or motorcycle or whatever she wouldn’t buy you as a kid, and explain to her how you could have saved a fortune on therapy years later if she had.

Mars is in Taurus. This placement is stubborn like the Sun in Taurus, but a little more temperamental. Feel free to argue with Mom about how she should pay the bill for that pizza she’s now having an allergic reaction to, then when she finally blows her stack at you tell her to “calm down” and that you’re paying.

Jupiter is in Leo: Jupiter in Leo loves dramatic flair. Point out to Mom that she wouldn’t even be a mother without having had you, therefore the day is really about YOU. Then try to get her to pay for dinner.

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Or, if you don’t want to be a complete jerk, you could just handle Mother’s Day completely the opposite of what I described above. After all, astrology only describes the initial conditions that are presented to us: you still have free will. Or, if you don’t, maybe it’s because Mom didn’t get you any when you were a kid. In which case… yeah, whatever, it ain’t your fault, right?

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