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A nip here, a tuck there, this birth chart will look good as new!

Dear Joan: I am sorry to hear about the recent incident that happened during surgery, where you went into cardiac arrest. Your daughter says you are “resting comfortably” now, which usually means “this was bad but she’s gonna be okay.” These things can happen at the best of times to any of us, but I’ll admit that I’m a little surprised that the surgery in question wasn’t cosmetic – oh Joan, you can take it. You know what I’m saying. I’ve seen 1956 Buicks that have more original parts than you do by this point. (Ba dum-bah!) I am particularly concerned though that the surgery you had was on your vocal chords. After all, being able to speak is important to anyone, but a Gemini? It’s a cliché but it’s true: you’ve got something to say. And a Gemini with Moon in Sagittarius isn’t exactly known for its quiet reserve either. I don’t think that it is any accident that you called your biography “Enter Talking.” I’m sure that at Passover dinners when you were a kid, your parents probably opened the door for the return of Elijah, and probably hoped he’d take you with him after he left.

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I tease because I love, Joan. But let’s talk about that birth chart of yours now. Can we talk? Your Sun, Mercury, and Venus are all in Gemini in the Third House. Astrologically speaking, if that’s not a recipe for “Born To Talk,” I don’t know what it is. The strange thing is though: what has really driven the talking in your life has been Mars and Jupiter, and those are the same planets that led to your sudden heart attack and respiratory arrest during surgery a few days ago. Either that or it was the shock when you realized that when the surgeon cut into you, he’d be able to count your rings and tell how old you really are. (Ba dum-bah!) You see, Joan: the emotional pressures that can be caused by the Sun-Moon opposition are fueled in your case by having Mars and Jupiter conjunct in Virgo, in a very close Square to your Sun and Moon. I admit that many people would label this combination as “abrasive.” I’m sure a few people you’ve told jokes about have thought of you that way too. But that’s okay, because at least you’ve produce some entertainment with it. This Mars-Jupiter conjunction in your birth chart was being prominently aspected when you had that surgery that went wrong. I wish you had spoken to your astrologer before you scheduled this procedure, because there are a couple of very distinct warning signs there for you here. The Sixth House of the birth chart is the general ruler of health matters, and that is where your Mars Jupiter conjunction lies. Anytime you do anything medical, Joan, you’ve got to be aware of the transits to 14–15° Virgo. One aspect but is often associated with health matters is the quincunx: a weird little aspect that can crop up and cause all sorts of unexpected problems. And sure enough, there was Uranus at 15° Aries, making the quincunx to your Mars-Jupiter conjunction. So Joan – can we talk? Seriously, listen: the next couple of years are not going to be good at all for surgery, cosmetic or otherwise. And yes, we’ve noticed you had more than your fair share of nips and tucks over the last decade. But Uranus is a slow planet, and the quincunx is a very touchy aspect, so for your own sake… let us just love you the way you are, okay? At least what’s left of you behind the silicone injections. (Ba dum-bah!) Seriously Joan. We love you, so sit down, shut up and get better… and back away from the scalpel for the next couple of years, won’t you? Thanks, Joan. You’ve been a great audience. The buffet’s open ’til 10, make sure you tip your waitress. Good night!

UPDATE: At 1:17 PM Thursday, as the transiting Moon-Pluto conjunction squared the Moon in the chart for the surgery. Joan Rivers passed away. As her daughter said in a statement:  “My mother’s greatest joy in life was to make people laugh. Although that is difficult to do right now, I know her final wish would be that we return to laughing soon.” Thanks Joan. You were great. Good night.

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