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Oh My Stars


Dawn Of The Weekly Horoscope Of The Apes: August 4-10, 2014

posted by Matthew Currie

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The dominant transit for the week is Mars trine Neptune. Both planets are strongly placed: Neptune in the Sign rules, and Mars in the Sign it rules by tradition. Both are in water Signs, so there is a particular emphasis on emotion, and the trine indicates a smooth and successful joining of two possibly very different impulses. That sort of thing is all fine and well… hey, I enjoy an emotion as much as the next guy… but it comes with its problems, especially when you consider we’re dealing with primates like humans.

Anyone who has watched primates in action know that they can be noble creatures, but sometimes they are bloody awful. I recently watched “Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes” – which I highly recommend – and it served as a reminder of this. If you’ve seen it, have read any reviews, or even if you are familiar with the basic “Planet Of The Apes” concept, you’ll know that the moral of the story is that “apes are just like us.” Or perhaps it’s “we are just like apes.”

Well, I’ve got news for you people: we ARE apes.

A lot of humans would take that as an insult, but for the most part I don’t. Apes are generally a pretty decent lot. More often than not, they tend to be kind and gentle and gregarious and overall get along with each other pretty well. However, if you’re one of those people who tend to think of apes as being more “noble” than humans, I would remind you that we’ve observed chimps in the wild killing each other, engaging in organized warfare, and being huge jerks to each other fairly often. Chimps may not have developed drone warfare or concentration camps or slavery or learned how to make money with outrageous comments in the media about other, slightly different varieties of champs… but if they had, they probably be as obnoxious with it as we are. Our intellectual advantages have given us more and better opportunities to be terrible to each other.

Fortunately, humans are better equipped for communication of complex thoughts and for planning ahead, so let’s use that, shall we?

There are some Big Feelings going around this week, thanks to the Mars-Neptune trine — so use them to be nice to each other.

Here are a couple of primates showing you how it’s done:

YouTube Preview Image

And now, the forecast:

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You have a great deal of powerful personal magnetism going for you this week. You should be able to use that to your advantage both in your love life and it work, but keep in mind that there is a difference between “capturing someone’s attention” and “taking hostages.” Don’t lay it on too thick.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
People genuinely like you, and they’d like to see more of you. You could probably help with that by getting out of your bunker and leaving the house more often. Quit hiding from things!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Yeah, I can’t quite figure out what you’re doing with your work and career situation this week either, Gemini. Just club all those little details half to death and I’m sure the big picture will take care of itself, somehow.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
There’s a great big world out there filled with interesting people and places for you to see. Despite the fact that many of them will be offering you deep discounts, you might want to be cautious with your wallet anyway.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Try not to focus so much on your relationship issues during the week, because things are likely to come to a head on the weekend anyway. Don’t sweat the details: just sit back and wait for it to come to you.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You may find there are a lot of conflicting voices both inside of you and outside of you tearing you in different directions. Remain calm, don’t jump to conclusions, and if need be: invest in a new tinfoil hat the block those voices out.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your mood should be on the upswing for most of the week, despite the fact that there are still some economic pressures to fret over. Just relax, take it easy, and spend your money wisely on less expensive booze to help you through the rest.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
“Hi, this is Scorpio. I’m not home right now so leave a message after the tone. Actually, that’s not true: I am home, i’m just too busy going nuts over my work and money situation. Please leave a message after the scream of  frustration. AAAAAHHH!!”

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You are often accused of being excessive and overenthusiastic about the things you love. And that’s okay: putting all of your heart into something is a worthy and worthwhile thing to do. But really, try to come up for air a couple times this week, okay?

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
It’s time for you to take a leadership role in your relationships with friends and loved ones. Also, it’s time to point out to your boss what a good job you doing that you deserve a raise. Heck, just go ahead and claim dominion over all of time and space. You know you’ve always wanted to do that.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
It’s time for you to take on that world and show them what you’ve really got. No, I’m not referring to that sawed-off shotgun you’re hiding under your jacket, although Lord knows that’s tempting some days. Just stay calm and plan to blow off some steam this weekend.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Attention to detail will be particularly important this week. That’s largely because, although you’re very high-minded and have a wonderful worldview, when you get right down to it no one is playing along with you this week. So stick to the details… like “who, specifically, can I avoid?”

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