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Weekly Horoscope, July 7-13, 2014: Nobody Moves And Nobody Gets Hurt

posted by Matthew Currie

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Science has recently confirmed something that most of you probably knew, on one level or another, all along: people don’t like to sit around and think about things. Researchers at Virginia and Harvard Universities gave test subjects a choice: sit quietly and think about whatever they wanted to for between six and 15 minutes, or give themselves a painful electric shock to end it sooner. Two-thirds of men tested eventually gave up and went for the shock. When same experiment was moved from a laboratory to the comforts of the individual’s homes, the test subjects showed even more impatience. Generally, it appears that doing something is often preferable to doing nothing… even if doing something proves to be detrimental.

I wonder though: would the results have been different if test subjects have been offered an additional reward for their thoughtful patience? Like, maybe an extra ten bucks for thinking things through for 15 minutes before they did something (literally) shocking?

That’s why everyone this week gets not one, but two forecasts: one labeled “cha-ching!” which indicates your reward if you think about your actions, and the other one labeled “zap!” in case you just give in to your impulses. Ultimately: you can’t do anything about the astrological transits, but how you respond them is up to you.


There will be a lot of opportunities in the next week for you to think carefully about what you’re doing with your life, or act out and cause potential grief for yourself or others. Venus sextile Uranus early in the week gives you the chance to play nicely with others in new and interesting ways. But Mars continues to be opposite Uranus all week, so there are still plenty of opportunities for things to blow up in your face, or for you to blow up in someone else’s face. Finally, on the weekend, there is a Full Moon in Capricorn, plus Mars opposite Uranus, plus a Venus-Mars trine. That will give you an opportunity to end the week with a bang, either literally or figuratively. But maybe you should put some careful thought into whether or not that “bang” involves an obstacle that really needs to be exploded, or someone who really needs to be, um, banged.

Hey, Beliefnet is a family friendly site… you know what I’m saying.


One more thing? It also turns out that two thirds of the men voted for the shock, but only one quarter of the women did so. I’d sit here and come up with a joke about that, but I’m tired of thinking of things to say in this preamble… let’s get on with the forecast.


Aries (March 21 – April 19)
“I now realize that the difficulties I have been having with my partner are not deliberate on either my partner’s part or mine.” (cha-ching!) “Now, where do I hide this body? It’s a shame that my partner was better at these things than I am.” (zap!)

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
“Dear Boss: although others may call this a ‘Mickey Mouse’ operation, I appreciate all the extra work you’ve given me, because it means I can show you what a great employee I am.” (cha-ching!) “One thing that’s definitely Mickey Mouse about this place? Your resemblance to a rat.” (zap!)

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
“I think I can use my new-found charms to get a raise or a better job, or even to improve my love life.” (cha-ching!) “I thought you were hiring certified massage therapists! What’s a ‘happy ending’ anyway, and why do I charge extra for it?” (zap!)

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
“I welcome the perspectives that my partner brings into my life, because it gives me new ways of thinking about things.” (cha-ching!) “My partner’s erratic behavior has given me a new view of them… specifically, through this rifle sight. Now hold still dear…” (zap!)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
“I feel like something big is coming for me soon financially, and it’s going to be really good!” (cha-ching!) “All my money and possessions in exchange for these magic beans? Mister, you’ve got a deal! (zap!)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
“Wow, things are going really well at work, and the boss really likes what I’m producing. And I like the boss too!” (cha-ching!) “And frankly I don’t care if the boss is married or not, I’m getting that raise somehow.” (zap!)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
“I am filled with tremendous vitality and energy and I’m ready to take on the world!” (cha-ching!) “And anyone who stands in my way will die horribly!” (zap!)
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
“My mental focus is strong this week, and if I make the effort, I can have anything I want” (cha-ching!) “Anything I say can and will be used against me in a court of law? That’s not fair!” (zap!)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
“If I focus really hard on my financial problems, I can find real solutions.” (cha-ching!) “Hey, will I get bonus rewards if I put all my other credit card debts on this one credit card?” (zap!)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
“I’ve been working pretty hard lately, and I’m going to give myself a treat by taking some time off.” (cha-ching!) “And since I’m surrounded by idiots, I’m burning the office down anyway.”(zap!)
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
“People really seem to appreciate what I have to say and enjoy my company.” (cha-ching!) “And since nobody seems to be taking my advice, I’m just going to stand here in this corner and keep shouting advice until they haul me away.” (zap!)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
“One of the perils of modern living is becoming too focused on materialism.” (cha-ching!) “If I needlepoint that into a wall hanging, will you accept it instead of a mortgage payment this month?” (zap!)

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  • Matthew Currie

    Quite possibly, yes.

  • Laura

    What if you need to move on–emotionally and physically–in order to leave a difficult relationship that never should have happened in the first place? Wouldn’t the full moon in capricorn be a good time to say the goodbyes and quietly move on?

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