Oh My Stars

Oh My Stars


Your Sign Is Wrong: New Astrology For A New Age

posted by Matthew Currie

Scientifically tested!

For centuries, astronomers have had the true story of how the universe works staring them in the face without really understanding it, and so have astrologers. Science has determined that 90% of the matter in the universe is actually what is called “dark matter” — an unknown substance that is invisible and yet has a profound effect on everything we see.

Despite decades of work, millions of dollars of investment, and thousands of hours of educational television, astronomy has not yet specifically determined what the nature of dark matter is. Likewise, astrologers have labored for centuries to demonstrate to the satisfaction of skeptics that their work is valid, yet without ever truly gaining acceptance. In a gigantic intellectual leap I, Matthew Currie, have unified these two fields of endeavor to create a single system that works accurately, precisely, and with 100% guaranteed results. You can thank me later.

There are only a few things will have to change. Namely: your Sign.

In case you’re worried, this isn’t that whole Ophiuchus load of flapdoodle that got everyone’s attention a couple of years ago. Ophiuchus is a fraud, and no self-respecting astrologer uses it. In fact, even astronomers call it “the smelly-pants constellation” behind its back at cocktail parties.

Because of dark matter, 90% of the universe is invisible. This naturally means our perceptions of the space-time continuum is distorted, inaccurate, and possibly immoral. Thus, as a result, the Zodiac as we see it today is not accurate. You are, in fact, an Aries. That is, unless you were told you were an Aries before, in which case you’re now a Virgo. Please, now is not the time to go into details, it involves a lot of math and neither you nor I have time for it.

Numerous celebrities have already been contacted about their new Sign, and they are universally thrilled. Here’s what a few of them had to say:

Gwyneth Paltrow: “I was shocked at how accurate it was! So shocked, I fainted. Fortunately, a handful of raw chia seeds revived me.”

Fred Phelps: “If I weren’t already dead, I would drop dead of shock at how accurate this new astrology really is! And why is it so hot in here?”

Kanye West: “This is all about me, isn’t it? If so, I approve.”

Justin Bieber: (Justin Bieber was not available for comment, however his lawyer has clearly stated that if anyone is upset by their Sign changes, it is not Mr. Bieber’s fault, but he apologizes anyway.)

Shia LeBeouf: “I had this idea myself a couple of years ago, and about six months from now I will have it again.”

James Randi: “This sounds all scientific and stuff, therefore I approve. Where do I sign up for a reading?”

George Zimmerman: “Does any of this relate to me? It better, otherwise I’m going to get really angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

But please, don’t take the word of these famous people. Try it for yourself!

Here is your sample horoscope for today, April 1:

ARIES: Beware attempts at deception. There seems to be a general air of tomfoolery going around, and someone may be trying to pull the wool over your eyes.

VIRGO: What? Is this some kind of joke?

(Editor’s note: this will be Matthew Currie’s final blog entry for Beliefnet. Tomorrow in its place we will present the new series “Understanding Your Hamster.”)

 



  • Marsha A. Goldsmith

    and a zany April Fool’s Day to you too!

Previous Posts

Your Moon Astrology Forecast For October 2014
(Finally — a practical astrology forecast that EVERYONE can use, regardless of their Sign! Make sure you bookmark this page and come back — it could be the most useful thing I’ve written all month!) October sees Mercury Retrograde from the 5th to the 25th and yes, that's going to be kind o

posted 10:55:44pm Sep. 29, 2014 | read full post »

Venus In Libra: Make Money, Look Better, See Cute Animals!
Okay, I admit it: I sort of oversold how much good Venus in Libra will do for you with that title. I was just too eager to please, and that happens sometimes with Venus in Libra. It's not like there's any one planetary placement that will prove to be the magical cure for everyone's problems. And

posted 2:21:14am Sep. 29, 2014 | read full post »

Making Astrology Work: The Rectification Of Kim Jong Un
Last time, I spoke a little about how astrology cannot only predict the future, but can also be used to select optimum timing… in other words, to help you make the future you want. That concept can be a little mind-bending for some people, but if you thought that was weird, try this: if astrology

posted 7:33:33pm Sep. 26, 2014 | read full post »

Using Electional Astrology To Get Real, Practical Results
Everything happens for a reason – but sometimes we can tip the balance of the Universe in our favor. Have you ever had something important planned that fell apart because of some annoying little complication, like you missed the bus, or messed up the address, or something like that? Or have you

posted 12:00:10am Sep. 25, 2014 | read full post »

Weekly Horoscope And Grenade Launcher Etiquette: September 22-28, 2014
This week's zodiacal activity is all about getting along with others and the correct application of force. The Sun enters Libra on Monday and that naturally puts an emphasis on "relationships." That's also the day that Pluto stops going retrograde and takes on particular strength. And the New Moon

posted 8:34:57pm Sep. 21, 2014 | read full post »




Report as Inappropriate

You are reporting this content because it violates the Terms of Service.

All reported content is logged for investigation.