For centuries, astronomers have had the true story of how the universe works staring them in the face without really understanding it, and so have astrologers. Science has determined that 90% of the matter in the universe is actually what is called “dark matter” — an unknown substance that is invisible and yet has a profound effect on everything we see.
Despite decades of work, millions of dollars of investment, and thousands of hours of educational television, astronomy has not yet specifically determined what the nature of dark matter is. Likewise, astrologers have labored for centuries to demonstrate to the satisfaction of skeptics that their work is valid, yet without ever truly gaining acceptance. In a gigantic intellectual leap I, Matthew Currie, have unified these two fields of endeavor to create a single system that works accurately, precisely, and with 100% guaranteed results. You can thank me later.
There are only a few things will have to change. Namely: your Sign.
In case you’re worried, this isn’t that whole Ophiuchus load of flapdoodle that got everyone’s attention a couple of years ago. Ophiuchus is a fraud, and no self-respecting astrologer uses it. In fact, even astronomers call it “the smelly-pants constellation” behind its back at cocktail parties.
Because of dark matter, 90% of the universe is invisible. This naturally means our perceptions of the space-time continuum is distorted, inaccurate, and possibly immoral. Thus, as a result, the Zodiac as we see it today is not accurate. You are, in fact, an Aries. That is, unless you were told you were an Aries before, in which case you’re now a Virgo. Please, now is not the time to go into details, it involves a lot of math and neither you nor I have time for it.
Numerous celebrities have already been contacted about their new Sign, and they are universally thrilled. Here’s what a few of them had to say:
Gwyneth Paltrow: “I was shocked at how accurate it was! So shocked, I fainted. Fortunately, a handful of raw chia seeds revived me.”
Fred Phelps: “If I weren’t already dead, I would drop dead of shock at how accurate this new astrology really is! And why is it so hot in here?”
Kanye West: “This is all about me, isn’t it? If so, I approve.”
Justin Bieber: (Justin Bieber was not available for comment, however his lawyer has clearly stated that if anyone is upset by their Sign changes, it is not Mr. Bieber’s fault, but he apologizes anyway.)
Shia LeBeouf: “I had this idea myself a couple of years ago, and about six months from now I will have it again.”
James Randi: “This sounds all scientific and stuff, therefore I approve. Where do I sign up for a reading?”
George Zimmerman: “Does any of this relate to me? It better, otherwise I’m going to get really angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”
But please, don’t take the word of these famous people. Try it for yourself!
Here is your sample horoscope for today, April 1:
ARIES: Beware attempts at deception. There seems to be a general air of tomfoolery going around, and someone may be trying to pull the wool over your eyes.
VIRGO: What? Is this some kind of joke?
(Editor’s note: this will be Matthew Currie’s final blog entry for Beliefnet. Tomorrow in its place we will present the new series “Understanding Your Hamster.”)