Advertisement

Oh My Stars

Oh My Stars

Your Sign Is Wrong: New Astrology For A New Age

Scientifically tested!

For centuries, astronomers have had the true story of how the universe works staring them in the face without really understanding it, and so have astrologers. Science has determined that 90% of the matter in the universe is actually what is called “dark matter” — an unknown substance that is invisible and yet has a profound effect on everything we see.

Advertisement

Despite decades of work, millions of dollars of investment, and thousands of hours of educational television, astronomy has not yet specifically determined what the nature of dark matter is. Likewise, astrologers have labored for centuries to demonstrate to the satisfaction of skeptics that their work is valid, yet without ever truly gaining acceptance. In a gigantic intellectual leap I, Matthew Currie, have unified these two fields of endeavor to create a single system that works accurately, precisely, and with 100% guaranteed results. You can thank me later.

There are only a few things will have to change. Namely: your Sign.

In case you’re worried, this isn’t that whole Ophiuchus load of flapdoodle that got everyone’s attention a couple of years ago. Ophiuchus is a fraud, and no self-respecting astrologer uses it. In fact, even astronomers call it “the smelly-pants constellation” behind its back at cocktail parties.

Advertisement

Because of dark matter, 90% of the universe is invisible. This naturally means our perceptions of the space-time continuum is distorted, inaccurate, and possibly immoral. Thus, as a result, the Zodiac as we see it today is not accurate. You are, in fact, an Aries. That is, unless you were told you were an Aries before, in which case you’re now a Virgo. Please, now is not the time to go into details, it involves a lot of math and neither you nor I have time for it.

Numerous celebrities have already been contacted about their new Sign, and they are universally thrilled. Here’s what a few of them had to say:

Gwyneth Paltrow: “I was shocked at how accurate it was! So shocked, I fainted. Fortunately, a handful of raw chia seeds revived me.”

Advertisement

Fred Phelps: “If I weren’t already dead, I would drop dead of shock at how accurate this new astrology really is! And why is it so hot in here?”

Kanye West: “This is all about me, isn’t it? If so, I approve.”

Justin Bieber: (Justin Bieber was not available for comment, however his lawyer has clearly stated that if anyone is upset by their Sign changes, it is not Mr. Bieber’s fault, but he apologizes anyway.)

Advertisement

Shia LeBeouf: “I had this idea myself a couple of years ago, and about six months from now I will have it again.”

James Randi: “This sounds all scientific and stuff, therefore I approve. Where do I sign up for a reading?”

George Zimmerman: “Does any of this relate to me? It better, otherwise I’m going to get really angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

Advertisement

But please, don’t take the word of these famous people. Try it for yourself!

Here is your sample horoscope for today, April 1:

ARIES: Beware attempts at deception. There seems to be a general air of tomfoolery going around, and someone may be trying to pull the wool over your eyes.

VIRGO: What? Is this some kind of joke?

(Editor’s note: this will be Matthew Currie’s final blog entry for Beliefnet. Tomorrow in its place we will present the new series “Understanding Your Hamster.”)

 

  • Marsha A. Goldsmith

    and a zany April Fool’s Day to you too!

Previous Posts

Astrology (And John Nash) Save Your Week
This week's transits require a little extra caution, even though the trickiest of them is exact on Monday when most people aren't operating their heavy machinery at work because of Memorial Day. (A word of explanation to my non-American ...

posted 12:04:59am May. 25, 2015 | read full post »

#Bad #Internet #Astrology #Is #Annoying #Me
We are truly fortunate to live in an age where so much information is freely available on the Internet. When I was a kid growing up in the Seventies, we didn't have the Internet to look information up with, but I lived in a small city which ...

posted 12:26:52am May. 20, 2015 | read full post »

Mars in Gemini: Are You Listening?
Last time, I discussed in fine detail the workings of Mars in Gemini without really getting anywhere at all with it. That's because that's how Mars in Gemini often works. However, if you can learn to work with the (sometimes frantic) mental ...

posted 1:16:50am May. 17, 2015 | read full post »

Mars in Gemini: No, YOU Shut Up
Okay, first of all I admit it: this article is late. Mars actually entered Gemini last Monday. But I have my reasons! Really! It would be wrong of me to blame any of my personal failings on where the planets are at any given time. We all have ...

posted 1:41:56am May. 16, 2015 | read full post »

Venus In Cancer: Is Dis Love Or Is Dyslexia?
Sorry about this being so late. You see, Venus entered Cancer back on Thursday, and I was all prepared to write Part Two about that (Part One is here, have a look!) but then I sort of got moody and life put me off (or maybe you said something to ...

posted 1:24:26am May. 12, 2015 | read full post »

Advertisement


Report as Inappropriate

You are reporting this content because it violates the Terms of Service.

All reported content is logged for investigation.