Oh My Stars

beliefnet astrology matthew currie three wise men(Sometimes you’ll see astrological services advertised with the legally-mandatory disclaimer of “For Entertainment Purposes Only. This is one of those rare times when I heartily embrace that statement. Merry Christmas! Also, CLICK HERE to check out my article on The Star Of Bethlehem…)



(Scene: The Nativity. Caspar, Melchior, and Balthazar gather around the Christ Child. Mary and Joseph listen intently in the background.)

Balthazar: …my major concern with this birth chart is that it shows potential for conflict with authority figures. You might want to teach him to be a little more respectful of Caesar, just to be careful. At least publicly.

Caspar: Don’t be silly. He’s a revolutionary, and the world needs more of that. This Jupiter/Saturn configuration, though… could be liver trouble.

Melchior: That’s right. If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything. (pauses to think) I hope someone uses that line in a song some day. Anyway… look at the stare on this kid! He probably has something we haven’t even heard of yet, right on the Ascendant.

Caspar: (chuckling) You and your undiscovered planets, Melchior. Seriously.

Balthazar: I think what we’re trying to say here , Mr. And Mrs… (Looks back and forth at Mary and Joseph, who do not respond, but simply smile as if they know something the astrologers don’t) …um, Carpenter, is that anyone born into this world has to cope with certain inherent limitations. And a birth chart is like a road map to all of life’s obstacles. And emotional issues!

Caspar: And medical problems! I’m worried about that liver of his… or injuries to the side in general. You might want to consider investing in some body armor for the little guy.

Balthazar: So you see, although it does appear that your boy here is in fact some sort of a really special person, the indications are of a shortish life span… like maybe 35 years tops. Yes, I know, that’s pretty good by current standards, but still it’s worrisome. And his life in general — it’s going to be a lot of  struggle. Like with authority figures.

Caspar: No real signs of wealth here either. And possible death by piercing or blood loss.

Balthazar: Caspar, quit jumping ahead to the medical stuff! Astrology is supposed to be about how you live your life, not being afraid of how you’ll die. (To Mary and Joseph) So we really recommend relocating the birth chart. You should consider a move to Gaul, or Cappadocia, or something. I hear the weather in Hispania is great!

Caspar: His relocated chart to Hispania puts Venus on the Ascendant. That could be good for his negotiating skills. He could put all his potential to good use, as a merchant or something. That would be a lot safer and wiser than making trouble with the Romans. Have you seen what they do to criminals? Still, I say he’s a rebel at heart. Those are excellent skills for starting one’s own Trade Guild or something. Now that I think about it, it’s probably better than being too much of a rebel.

Balthazar: Let’s not scare these nice people too much, Caspar. You make it sound like otherwise he’d stay here and start an uprising and go around kicking over the money changer’s tables in The Temple or something. (To Mary and Joseph) On the upside, his chart indicates he’ll be good in social situations and at working with groups, and perhaps even leading them. He has a certain philosophical bent to him too. He might grow up to be a rabbi leading a nice quiet study group or something.

(Balthazar and Caspar pause and notice Melchior, who has fallen silent, staring at the baby)

Caspar: Melchior, you’ve hardly said a word. By this point you’ve usually told the parents all about the baby’s future marriage and food allergies. What’s the problem?

Melchior: It’s just… this way this kid is looking at me. It’s like… it’s like He Knows Something that we don’t.

(Balthazar laughs uproariously. Caspar rolls his eyes.)

Caspar: Oh, here we go with your whole “Indigo Child” routine…

Balthazar: You’re such a cut-up, Melchior. We’re The Wise Men. We’re astrologers!

(Caspar leans in close to Melchior)

Caspar (whispering to Melchior): Besides, look around dude. The kid was born with the livestock. Everyone wants to think their baby is the Greatest Thing Ever… but this one is an obvious non-starter. No crib for a bed or anything!

Balthazar: (To Mary and Joseph) Sorry folks, we have to move it along here. The Moon’s nearly at the Midheaven, and we have a party to work at Herod’s, and if we don’t get there soon all the good figs will be gone…


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