Oh My Stars

Oh My Stars


Your Apocalyptic Comet ISON End Of The World Astrology Forecast

posted by Matthew Currie
LOOK OUT!!!!

LOOK OUT!!!!

Comet ISON vaulted dramatically into the headlines yesterday as it suddenly brightened by a full order of magnitude. By “vaulted dramatically into the headlines,” I mean a small percentage of science geeks noticed, and several paranoids uploaded new YouTube videos about how the world was about to come to an end any day now. The comet in question will be brightening our skies shortly, as it makes its way towards a rendezvous with Earth. And by “rendezvous,” I mean “it won’t come anywhere near us, so quit panicking already.”
In 1997 Comet Hale-Bopp lit up our skies and convinced 38 members of a suicide cult to take their own lives, in an attempt to upload themselves to the alien spaceship that was coming to take them away to a better, less apocalypse-prone world than ours. This of course did not happen. Nor did the world particularly end when the following year Comet Hyukatake passed by. Also noteworthy was the non-End Of The World that accompanied Halley’s Comet, or Comet McNaught, or Comet Elenin… which was so depresed by the doomsday predictions surrounding it that it broke up in despair before even reaching Earth. Comet Ikeya-Seki, which passed Earth in 1965, proved to be less of a disaster than the 1965 Mercury Comet, which had to be upgraded to a mid-sized Ford Fairlane frame in order to boost sales.
Personally: I blame Nibiru.
For those of you old enough to recall the year 2012 AD, you might remember that we were facing an Apocalype that December as the Mayan Calendar ran out. Many people predicted Ultimate Doom for Humanity. Others predicted a tremendous upsurge in Human Consciousness as we all lifted up to the next level of Spiritual Enlightenment.
To the non-surprise of most observers of Homo Sapiens, neither occurred.
At that time many people claimed that Nibiru, a giant planet that remains to this day undiscovered and invisible (thanks, no doubt, to a CIA cover-up… curse you, CIA!) would swoop by and tilt the Earth on its side, scramble our magnetic fields, and generally make life miserable if not impossible for everyone. Nibiru of coure never showed up, but its diehard fans remain, and the Invisible Impossible Planet gets dusted off every time a new comet or asteroid passes by.
There is simply no reaching these people. Many of them can’t even be bothered to cover their tracks enough to even remove their old failed YouTube video predictions before they post the next one, and the next one, or the latest one… which of course features Comet ISON as the Death Star du jour.
So: for those remaining dozen or so Apocalypse Addicts, I present my Apocalyptic Comet ISON End Of The World Forecast.

 

ARIES: The world will not be coming to an end, which is a shame because having to keep waiting for it is such a drag.

TAURUS: The world will not be coming to an end. Here, try some pastry.

GEMINI: The world will not be coming to an end. On the other hand… no, wait, there IS no other hand. The world will not be coming to an end.

CANCER: The world will not be coming to an end, even though some of you feel you deserve it.

LEO:  The world will not be coming to an end. You’ll just have to make your own drama.

VIRGO: The world will not be coming to an end. Good thing too, because the clean-up afterwords would be HORRIBLE.

LIBRA: My world will not be coming to an end, and neither will yours. That’s fair, isn’t it?

SCORPIO: The world will not be coming to an end. No, really. Why are you looking at me suspiciously like that?

SAGITTARIUS: Hey, dude! The world will not be coming to an end.

CAPRICORN: The world will not be coming to an end. Get back to work!

AQUARIUS: The world will not be coming to an end. Or: the world begins and ends with every breath. I dunno, I can’t think of anything Zen to say about this.

PISCES: The world will not be coming to an end, so you’ll need to find something else to feel guilty about.

In the meantime: keep coming back here and I’ll keep bringing the blog entries. I’ll survive the Comet ISON Apocalypse just fine: I made myself a new hat out of fresh tinfoil!



  • http://matthewtheastrologer.com/ mcurrie

    Bless ye, and thanks!

  • http://www.taratarot.com Tara Greene

    I love your Sagittarian humour Matthew. Good one I am mulling Comet ISON’s metaphysical meaning myself right now.
    Keep up the high flying humor
    Blessings TAAR

  • Pingback: Neptune and Chiron Go Direct: The Chimes At Midnight - Oh My Stars

Previous Posts

Astrology And Order: Bieber Victims Unit
Singer, enormous celebrity, and poster child for the results of poor parenting Justin Bieber is once again in legal trouble, this time for smacking his ATV into a minivan and starting a dustup with someone in his hometown of Stratford, Canada. (An aside: both Justin Bieber and myself are Canadian

posted 9:23:24pm Sep. 02, 2014 | read full post »

Joan Rivers, Can We Talk About Your Birth Chart?
Dear Joan: I am sorry to hear about the recent incident that happened during surgery, where you went into cardiac arrest. Your daughter says you are "restin

posted 9:28:08pm Sep. 01, 2014 | read full post »

Neptune And The Food Babe: A Venti Latte Full Of Delusion
(Dear Reader: this blog entry was written as a shamanic channeling of the nature of Neptune, which rules altered states of consciousness. I began writing this article with a full tank of caffeine, and every time throughout the article when you see  *** ...that means I have consumed another full

posted 9:18:55pm Aug. 30, 2014 | read full post »

Your Moon Astrology Forecast For September 2014
(Finally — a practical astrology forecast that EVERYONE can use, regardless of their Sign! Make sure you bookmark this page and come back — it could be the most useful th

posted 2:22:37pm Aug. 30, 2014 | read full post »

Your Soulmate Situation Sucks II: Soulmates Are For Suckers!
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3s5xsVHOJQs[/youtube] (CLICK HERE for Part One, "The Astrology Of Why Your Soulmate Situation Sucks") Dear JM: I would like to thank you for your comments on Facebook about my recent blog entry concerning soulmates. I know it may seem odd to some that

posted 1:28:14am Aug. 29, 2014 | read full post »




Report as Inappropriate

You are reporting this content because it violates the Terms of Service.

All reported content is logged for investigation.