Movie Mom

hottie.jpgThis pea-brained vanity production does not have the energy to remember from one scene to the next what it is about or why it is on screen. It is attention-deficit film-making. Famous-for-being-famous Paris Hilton is not only the star, but also the producer of the film, and it seems to have been entirely generated by whatever she thought would be fun to do in front of a camera, with no thought whatsoever to the misery it would inflict on those who might watch it.
Hilton cast herself as Cristabel, the “hottie,” a perfect beauty and object of universal desire with a heart of gold. She even gives her stalker a dazzling smile and a perky wave as she reminds him that he is required by a restraining order to keep his distance.

The suitors not covered by a court mandate are kept at bay by the “nottie,” June (Christine Lakin), Cristabel’s best friend. Nate (Joel Moore), a slacker just dumped by his girlfriend, tracks down Cristabel because she has been his one true love since he first saw her in elementary school. She tells him that she cannot think about a boyfriend until June has a boyfriend.
But June is not just plain; she is hideously disgusting. A date with her could be featured on the championship round in “Fear Factor.” Nate hires someone to date her, but once her infected toenail flies off into his mouth, he literally jumps ship. Then the ringer is convinced that he actually finds June attractive through a combination of hypnosis and aversion therapy so that we can watch him be subjected to electric shocks, think someone ugly is appealing, and be confronted by a midget mime (don’t ask). And next, through a spa visit courtesy of Nate and the intervention of a handsome dentist/humanitarian/model (Johann Urb), June starts to look better.
Producer-star Hilton has the screen presence and emotional range of a discarded hair extension. Every single line, whether she is supposed to be amorous, tipsy, angry, or sweet, is delivered in the unvarying languid tones of a sleepy kitten. Moore has a strong resemblance to Shaggy from “Scooby-Doo,” only less dynamic. Lakin does her best to make June a vibrant presence. She easily transcends the hair-sprouting chin mole, blotchy skin, mottled teeth, and bald spot. But the lousy script is an insurmountable obstacle.
No one is expecting a movie whose trailer highlights include a sweaty sock and an infected toenail to display much in the way of wit. But this one repeatedly insults the intelligence of its audience. It is not just dumb; it presents us with facts and situations and then completely disregards them when they become inconvenient. Nate is supposed to be out of a job, yet he has no trouble coming up with money for a $2000 spa gift certificate and hiring a date for June. Cristabel creates a test for Nate’s affections that is supposed to show that he loves her for who she really is; the test, however, involves her completely changing her normal behavior. A handsome and successful man goes to preposterous lengths to seduce June for no reason other than to drag out the plot. Talk about adding insult to injury.
Most idiotically, the film undermines its ostensible theme about the importance of inner beauty when it requires June to have an extreme makeover before anyone but Cristabel wants to spend any time with her. Unfortunately, no makeover yet devised could warm this nottie of a movie’s temperature up to tepid.
Parents should know that this is a gross-out comedy with much (intended) humor based on disgusting body parts, functions, or smells. There is comic peril (including electrocution) and fighting and there are sexual references and non-explicit sexual situations. Characters drink, including drinking to deal with stress and getting tipsy, and they use crude and strong language.
Families who see this movie should talk about its mixed messages on the importance of looks. Why are reality makeover shows so popular?
Audiences who enjoy this film will also enjoy the better movie Shallow Hal.

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