Mark D. Roberts

Mark D. Roberts

You Know You’re in a Small Town When . . . .

As most of my reader know, I recently moved from Irvine, California (population about 200,000) to Boerne, Texas, (population about 9,000). Irvine is part of Orange County (population about 3,000,000). Boerne is in Kendall County (population about 30,000). As you can imagine, there have been some changes in my lifestyle since moving to a small town.
One change has to do with crime. We do have crime in Boerne. In the first six years of this decade there were one murder and twelve robberies in the town. Not much crime, mind you. Irvine, California prides itself on being one of the safest cities in the country. But the police blotter in the Irvine paper was not nearly as interesting to read as the police blotter in the Boerne Star, our local newspaper. Mostly we have problems with intoxication around here. But some of our crime is more unusual. I’d like to share some recent excerpts from the Boerne Star. Note: I have not changed a word.
Public Records as found in the Boerne Star, December 2007
Dec. 7
200 block of E. Hosack, 12:55 p.m., A resident reported a woman in her back yard burning leaves and wanted the woman removed. Police found a woman cooking a hot dog in a barbeque pit. The woman left without incident. [MDR: Don’t you hate it when somebody is cooking a hot dog in your back hard without asking. No mention of whether she got to eat the hot dog or not.] (Photo: people walking on Main Street in Boerne. No crime, though, because the street was blocked for the annual Christmas parade.)
600 block of S. Plant Street, 5:05 p.m., A woman called police about a black sports car in the area and strangers coming out a of neighbor’s house and waving at her. [MDR: I hate it when strangers are friendly.]
Dec. 9
100 block of Aransas Pass, 2:52 a.m., A resident called police after hearing someone jiggling the knob on the front door very hard. Police contacted a neighbor who said a friend was staying with him because she was drunk and that she had gone to the wrong door by mistake. [MDR: Oops.]
Dec. 10
100 block of Stone Creek Circle, 11:23 a.m., A man came to the police department to report the theft of mail a year ago. [MDR: Talk about procrastination!]
Dec. 14
526 mile marker Interstate 10, Comfort, 3:57 a.m., A man was arrested for driving while intoxicated after being pulled over for driving in the middle of the highway at 5 mph. [Note: If you don’t want to be found out, don’t drive in the middle of the Interstate going 5 mph. It’s a dead giveaway.]
Dec. 15
1300 block of S. Main. St., 11:08 a.m., Police were called to Wal-Mart after one of the store’s assistant managers reported that someone had driven a car around to the loading dock, jumped out of the vehicle leaving it running and got into another car and left. About 5 minutes later, a customer called to report her car was missing. The woman identified the car parked at the loading dock as the rental car she had parked in the lot and left the keys in the ignition. The assistant manager described the second car the man had gotten into and officers located it in the parking lot. While police waited for someone to return to that car, officers observed a man, who was wanted for an outstanding municipal warrant, walking through the parking lot. He was arrested on that warrant for speeding, which was not related to the first car. Another man later returned to the second car and admitted taking the first car to “teach the woman a lesson.” The woman did not want to press charges, and the man was released with a warning. [MDR: Note to self – Don’t steal car to teach someone a lesson.]

  • Thomas Buck

    The local paper for Marquette (pop. about 20,000) does a daily police log. My personal favorites are, “dog at large,” and “person sleeping on bench in park.”
    We have plenty of crime, but our last murder was about ten years ago. Generally not a bad place to live.

  • Jimbo S.

    Too funny! Last weekend, my Wife and I moved from the Chicago Suburbs to rural Chesterton, IN. Very similar “Tales” in the Porter County Chesteron Tribune!
    Thanks Pastor Mark for all your ongoing Blogs & Website! You Rock! : )

  • Viola Larson

    These are always funny. My daughter lives in a small town in GA. Toccoa Falls where her husband is a N.T. Professor. She has told us often of the funny newspaper reports. One Christmas she did her family newsletter using the reports. It was one of the most enjoyable Christmas Newsletters I have ever read.

  • K.C.

    to funny. reminds me of littlerock.

  • AZDean

    Good golly Mark, you’re not getting bored out there are you?!! What things are there to do if you’re not busy? Please tell me you have satellite TV at least… :)

  • Chris

    My wife is from tiny Luverne, Minnesota, recently featured in Ken Burns’ excellent series “The War.” The Rock County Herald publishes a similar blotter. The paper obviously publishes the information almost verbatim, because the writeups are often unintentionally hilarious. Thanks for this post!

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