Question: I know that my husband has cheated on me in the past. We fight over this since he was not honest with me. I still love him but cannot trust or respect him just yet. I want to make it work but sometimes I feel so angry and resentful. I just want to take it out on him for hurting me so badly! How can I deal with this so I can move on? My mind goes crazy just thinking about it all the time.
Answer: The mind, as it is presently constituted, thrives on conflict . . . having problems to solve and positions to protect. To see this — as a fact in oneself — is the beginning of the end of our consent to allow it to drive us mad. If you have decided to go ahead with the relationship, then see this constant resurfacing of the pain not as an issue with him, but rather one of your own present inability to keep your own heart and mind present, in spite of the temptation to revisit the past (what I call the “scene of the crime”). Make the best choice you know to make at this time, and get on with your life . . . with or without him, but — most importantly — without this part of you that can’t wait to create worry and resentment over what is no longer in question.
Spirit serves those who serve it; Love comes to those who walk away from selfish acts. Kindness and patience flower only in the hearts of those who die to the cruelty of demanding that life give them what they want when they want it.
If you were empowered to change life—in order to give yourself whatever is always good and true for you to know and have—would you ever make any other kind of changes? For example, would you fear unexpected events, such as a loss of some kind? No! Even though they may come as a surprise, you already know they herald a new beginning of something better.
Would you resist the passage of time, and the slow changes that grow out of it like branches on a tree? No! You already know that patience and willingness to persist through what is being revealed—even if momentarily bitter—will only bring sweeter fruits.
Would you resent those moments when a “door” closes on some anticipated pleasure? No! You already know that such “problems” are actually secret passageways waiting to reveal themselves if you’ll watch for their eventual opening. Mountains crumble before the one who knows how to wait for a passage through them. Real power, real fearlessness, is knowing that there’s only one reason life changes as it does: it is to reveal the secret Goodness underlying those same changes.
Aren’t the changing seasons themselves evidence of a reality always in transition, yet ever serving to perfect the world through which they pass? If we know how to look, all around us is the proof of an active Intelligence that is greater than what it acts upon. So does this hold true within us. Yes, we live in a world of changes; but within it, within us, exists something that—for its timeless nature—knows that the changes taking place are merely momentary reflections of a broader and unchanging life.
It is this understanding that helps us to let go of whatever we insist upon—with all the fear that attends such demands—and that allows us to wait on the “Light of God” to show us safe passage through the changes we face. Our quiet willingness to remain watchful in this way—instead of being willful—reveals and proves in us a new kind of unstoppable power: a Light that fears nothing because it is part of a celestial intelligence that never stops changing and that, in turn, never stops transforming any world within which its Light is present.
Practically speaking, as our fear diminishes, our confidence increases; we grow in patience; a true optimism about life pervades everything we do, even when we run into obstacles. For us it isn’t a question if things will work out in our favor; our only wonder is when that gift will present itself. We stop running; we know now there is nowhere we have to get to—and that there is nothing for us to get away from. We are the life we want, and the Life we are is without fear because it is one with the Light.
When we recall the turning points in our lives, the times where we had no choice but to go through those wrenching self changes that come with personal crisis, it shouldn’t be hard to remember how sure we were that these same trials heralded our doom. But behind each of these seeming impossible moments stands an unseen (at the time) purpose: to bring us to a certain realization or experience of the truth about our self. And while this medicine may be bitter, it also heals us. How?
For starters, we realize (in hindsight!) that what has transpired was not only a gift in disguise, but that we are much better off for having worked our way through its challenging wrapping! Now we understand, beyond the shadow of any doubt, that we couldn’t begin the next level of our life journey until we had completed these lessons now behind us. In other words, it’s clear to us that what we first fought so hard to avoid was really a truth come to rescue us from self-ignorance — a truth that not only explained why our lives were as they were, thus freeing us from a mistaken sense of self, but in the same moment set the stage for our further self-development.
This means that in the middle of any unwanted experience, waiting there all along for us to realize it, is the truth that liberates and lifts us above our former limited understanding responsible for that very experience. In other words, our experiences revolve around, and are actually created to reveal, certain life lessons yet to be learned. This discovery reveals the unimaginable: There exists behind these life lessons a timeless truth — one that has not only perceived what we need before we do, but that somehow actively arranges our life experiences for the sole purpose of revealing itself to our soul.
We have set before us evidence of a completely compassionate, purposeful Intelligence — a Living Truth whose silent operation not only reveals the meaning of our existence but serves in this capacity as seed, nourishment, and fruition of our incredibly diverse life-experiences. To grasp, even in the smallest way, that a Wisdom revealed to us as Truth (call it what you will) is the secret fabric of our lives, is to begin realizing a whole new order of self-victory. Here we come upon a success that has no opposite. Failure ceases to exist as a fear. The painful idea of loss, of falling down and losing our way, forever loses its sting because in the light of our new understanding we see now that the universe itself not only wants us to be victorious individuals, but actually wills this special victory.