Beliefnet
Letting Go with Guy Finley

QUESTION

Why is it that when it comes to others, I don’t say what I feel until I am irritated? Then I don’t care what I say to get my point across! 


ANSWER


Here’s the short answer to your question: we will almost never say what we’re really feeling (to those who somehow irritate or otherwise disturb us) because of an unconscious fear that we have of ourselves; the truth is, we fear our own negative states, as well as the inevitable negative repercussions that take place in our relationships if we express them. And so, rather than dealing with this fomenting force of darkness within us, we swallow it over and over again until the pressure grows so great that we can no longer keep it down. We all know what happens next: we explode (in one way or another) with no regard for what our negative state is doing to the one we are spewing it upon. This situation is usually followed by some kind of remorse, in which we promise ourselves (or the unfortunate other) that we will never be that way again…but of course the pattern repeats itself because the lesson remains unlearned. The solution to this sorry cycle is simple, but as challenging as anything we will attempt to do. When something is troubling us about the manifestation of another — assuming of course that we are not just being petty, superficial, or otherwise petulant — we must learn to tell them the truth of our experience with them, in spite of the fear we have that should we speak about the matter, we’ll end up either being taken over by our own negative state, or driving the person away because of the same. And yet, seen clearly, each time we refuse to act — for the fear of being taken over or compromised by our own negative state — the truth is we are, at that very moment, taken over by a negative state! Its objective is to keep us from becoming conscious of it, of being aware of what its presence is doing to us and everyone else around us as a result of our “silence.” So do what you fear doing! It is the only way to eventually realize a kindness that fears nothing and no one.

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