Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Finding Blessings on a Bad Day


The last 2 weeks have been stressful, with my internet service down on several days and my computer in the shop for 9 days. I also had the edits for both my new books given to me on the same day last week and undoing some of the editor’s damage for one of them increased my agita. My deadline for it was yesterday. I worked long days on it and did little else. Right after I finished it last night, my computer went off for no reason. Grrr…. I was at the Apple store for hours and must bring it in tonight to leave it for at least a day as they replace another part. It’s still shutting off randomly still so my nerves are shot as I work and save every few words. That’s why I haven’t posted on this blog all week.

Because of all of the above, I felt out of line with my flow. Life didn’t seem so good—until I posted at least one blessing each day on my Conscious Gratitude list on Yahoo.

Each day as I was frustrated by a tech problem or editor, I looked for blessings and found them. Posting them made me feel blessed, despite the glitches going on. It kept my spirits up. I began my Conscious Gratitude list last year. Anyone can join and post their blessings. I read everyone else’s and it revs me, also reminding me of things I might not have thought to feel gratitude about. Small things that are a blessing to someone else remind me that I have that blessing too.

Finding your blessings when things are going right is easy and fun.

* I got a raise—Yeah!
* My romantic partner did something special for me—Yummy!
* The weather is glorious and I have time off—Fun!

And so on. It truly is good to count those blessings and show appreciation for what you have. As I’ve said in other posts, expressing gratitude attracts more things to be grateful for, and it feels good. So enjoy the days when blessings are easy to count.

The trouble is, we often neglect counting our blessings when they’re not obvious. Finding them when things aren’t going right can seem impossible, especially if you focus on the negatives. But that’s when you need to find them the most! When things aren’t going so well, finding blessings can pick up your mood. There’s always a blessing if you look! Often many if you don’t stop looking. So look!

I’ve gone hiking high in mountains with little growing. It’s windy and dry. But every once in a while, there’s a little flowering plant in the midst of flat dry ground. Now that’s a blessing to appreciate! Often you need to stop and think about what you have to be grateful for or find the blessing in a situation that doesn’t seem like one.

* You may feel overworked but someone smiled at you.
* It may be a freezing cold day, but that burns more calories!
* You learned a valuable lesson from making a bad mistake.

There’s always a blessing in the darkness if you grope around for it.

This week I found my blessings, despite my frustration about working without my laptop and a days without emails. I had the blessing of being able to borrow a laptop to work on. And the blessing of getting more work done without emails. I might not have thought of them had I not consciously looked for blessings to post.

That’s part of why I love my Conscious Gratitude list. Being able to post blessings every day keeps me more conscious of the ones I have. My desire to post forces me to look for them, which is a blessing in itself! It really helps to keep me positive when circumstances may not seem that way. I also like getting ideas from what others post and read every one because of it. Often I see what someone else considers a blessing and think “I have that too!” So my list can also serve as a consciousness-raising.

If you’d like to join the list and experience a consciousness-raising for your own blessings, please join. It’s free, there’s no obligation to post, and nobody comments on what you write. You can read more about it at Conscious Gratitude.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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Developing a Nonverbal Advantage


DoorMats make a bad impression when their insecurity shows, which is often all the time! It was obvious that I had no confidence when I lived in DoorMatville. Yet first impressions can opens doors fast or close them right up. There are things you can consciously do to improve the initial impact you make on someone.

I’m delighted to have Carol Kinsey Goman, Ph.D. as my guest today. She’s an executive coach, author and keynote speaker who addresses association, government, and business audiences around the world. Her latest book and program topic is The Nonverbal Advantage – Secrets and Science of Body Language at Work. Below are her suggestions for altering your behavior to take control of how people judge you in the first 7 seconds. She’s an expert in this, so pay attention! ?

THE SEVEN SECOND ADVANTAGE
by Carol Kinsey Goman, Ph.D.

You’re at a business conference or a neighborhood party and you turn to the stranger standing next to you. She turns to face you and in seven seconds you’ve already decided whether you like her and whether she is competent, confident, and trustworthy. Sure, your opinion may change once you get to know the person better, but that first impression will always linger.

And as you’re consciously and unconsciously evaluating her, she’s also making the same kind of instantaneous judgments about you.

While you can’t stop people from making snap decisions – the human brain is hardwired in this way as a prehistoric survival mechanism – you can understand how to make those decisions work in your favor. Here are seven powerful ways to make a positive first impression:

1. Adjust your attitude. People pick up your attitude instantly. Before you turn to greet someone, or enter an office for a business interview, or step onstage to make a presentation, think about the situation and make a conscious choice about the attitude you want to embody. Attitudes that attract people include friendly, happy, receptive, patient, approachable, welcoming, helpful and curious. Attitudes that are off-putting include angry, impatient, bored, arrogant, afraid, disheartened, and suspicious.

2. Stand tall. Pull your shoulders back and hold your head high. This is a posture of confidence and self-esteem.

3. Smile. A smile is an invitation, a sign of welcome. It says, “I’m friendly and approachable.”

4. Make eye contact. Looking at someone’s eyes transmits energy and indicates interest and openness. (To improve your eye contact, make a practice of noticing the eye color of everyone you meet.)

5. Raise your eyebrows. Open your eyes slightly more than normal to simulate the “eyebrow flash” that is the universal signal of recognition and acknowledgement.

6. Lean in slightly. Leaning forward shows you’re engaged and interested. But be respectful of the other person’s space. That means, in most business situations, staying about two feet away.

7. Shake hands. This is the quickest way to establish rapport. It’s also the most effective. Research shows it takes an average of three hours of continuous interaction to develop the same level of rapport that you can get with a single handshake. (Just make sure you have palm-to-palm contact and that the web of you hand touches the web of the other person’s.)

Every encounter, from business conferences to PTA meetings, presents an opportunity to meet people, network, and expand your professional and personal contacts by making a positive first impression. You’ve got just seven seconds – but if you handle it well, seven seconds are all you need!
———————-

In her book, The Nonverbal Advantage – Secrets and Science of Body Language at Work, Carol Kinsey Goman explains how good nonverbal communication can give you a great advantage. There are lots of obvious and also subtle suggestions for giving yourself the best possible chance to get taken seriously and maximize the impact you make on others. Check out Carol Kinsey Goman‘s websites–: www.CKG.com and www.NonverbalAdvantage.com–for more information about her or the services she offers or email her at CGoman@CKG.com.

Law of Attraction in Action: Concrete Use of This Power


This is the first in a series on using the Law of Attraction. There’s been a lot of hype about it lately. When Oprah did some shows when the book and DVD, The Secret, came out, it sold like crazy. Many people are looking for easy answers and ways to get what they want. The idea of expressing what you want, and getting it, is very appealing.

But using the Law of Attraction isn’t nearly as simple as The Secret made it look. Nor is it a secret!

The people in The Secret DVD didn’t invent or discover the Law of Attraction. My “idol,” Louise Hay, wrote about it in 1984, in her book, You Can Heal Your Life. When I read this book, I began life as I know it today. It made me realize that I lived a spiritual lifestyle because when I expected things to happen from my heart, they did.

The book emphasizes that we get back what we give out. Our thoughts control what happens to us and what we get. It was a wakeup call that could shatter the earthquake Richter scale. I devoured its pages as light bulbs went off, then bells and whistles woke me up completely. That was when the DoorMat fully found her power! Since then, I’ve used the Law of Attraction to shed my DoorMat layers and become a very empowered woman.

So I watched The Secret DVD after seeing it on Oprah. I was curious. And I learned a lot.

But I do think it’s misleading in how they make getting what you want sound so easy. I wasn’t a novice when I watched, so I could take from it what was helpful. Someone looking for a quick fix might watch, wish for something, and then give up when it didn’t work.

Now Louise Hay has put out her own DVD, You Can Heal Your Life, the movie, expanded version. It’s simple and a lot clearer. It doesn’t have the drama of a little boy wishing for a bicycle and getting it. The expanded movie has talks by a variety of people I admire. It’s a lot cheaper than The Secret, yet it has the bonus input from people I hold in high esteem, including Wayne Dyer, Christiane Northrup and Esther Hicks. They and many more are in the movie too! Louise Hay narrates it all in her soothing voice.

Louise Hay’s movie bought me back to my spiritual roots. In loving tones, expert after expert shares their wisdom. It reminded me of some tools that I already know but don’t remember to use. Reading or watching something once can be very helpful. Reading and watching more than once reinforces the principles. Over the next few weeks I’ll share some of the lessons on this DVD and how I’ve used them for my benefit. Since watching it, I’ve decided that I must learn all I can and focus on implementing what I learn.

One thing I was reminded of is to change my perception of what seems like a negative situation.

The morning after my conscious was raised, I got an email from the agent for my last book, with the subject saying, “Bad news. This is awful.” Before I read the message, I affirmed that the news would be good. When I opened it, I learned a writer had questioned the need for my book in her newspaper column. It’s a popular paper and she has a popular column. My first response was ouch!

Then I remembered my lesson and looked for the good in the situation.

The writer didn’t trash the book. She just didn’t think it was necessary. So it wasn’t negative! I wrote the agent back saying that I was blessed to have this article about the book. While it wasn’t positive, it did make a lot of people aware of my title. And I expected something good to come from it. An hour tater, l began to get emails from people who heard Howard Stern talking about my book! Robin had read the article and mentioned the title on air. That began a discussion about it. Nothing negative. Just talking about the book itself.
I expected it to become a positive and it really did!

Coincidence? Skeptics think so. But I know that expecting a positive from that seemingly negative situation made it happen. I’ve done it many times every since. MANY! Looking for the blessing in all situations helps you to find them. Next time something negative happens to you, use affirmations to turn it around:

• “Everything will work out for my highest good.
• “Everything happens for a reason. Whatever will be will be.”
• “Out of this only good will come.”

You can turn situations around with your thoughts if you consciously choose to. Look for the good in what you don’t like. There’s always something. Many years ago, before I was published, I’d written a book and got a top agent to rep me. She said there would probably be a bidding war on my book and was asking for 6 figures. She suggested I buy a good, conservative suit to wear to meetings with potential editors. So I did, even though it wasn’t my style, I dropped $300 on one she liked.

I go very excited and told everyone I knew. Six figures seemed like a lot so I thought about what I’d do with that money. But it all fell through. Kaboom! No offers. Not one.

I was devastated—for a few hours. In the past it would have made me give up and be depressed, living in a “why me?” mentality. But after licking my wounds, I affirmed that it happened for a reason and I’d discover it when the time as right. I’ve learned to look back to find reasons for things I don’t like happen. It may take a while but I ALWAYS find the reason. ALWAYS! Finding reasons for why things didn’t go the way you wanted you to allows you to create more blessings.

Finding reasons also helps reinforce accepting that everything happens for a reason. Now that I believe it with all my heart, I can relax if things don’t go my way.

Not getting a book deal felt like a setback at first. I was speaking often and attendees wanted to buy my book. Since I didn’t get a book deal, over the next year I created 6 self-empowerment print newsletters so I’d have something to sell. It forced me to learn how to do graphics on my computer and I designed a really nice publication. People subscribed. I wrote articles I felt proud of. Doing it helped me truly find my writing voice. I wrote for my readers, not for an agent or publisher. Doing this newsletter gave me the confidence to pursue my writing career harder.

I’m selling them out for 8 bucks for all 6, including postage (original price was $18.50). If you’re interested, email me at daylle@daylle.com to find out how to get them. They were my magic wands, the first step towards my freedom to do what I wanted.

It took over a year but I found several reasons for not getting a book deal: I was meant to write the newsletter first, to define my writing voice more clearly. Later, I realized that I was glad I didn’t write the original book. It would have sent me in a different direction and I love the one I’m in now!

Find the reasons for why your life takes a path you don’t like. Look back and figure out what blessings came out of what seemed negative. If you look, you’ll find them. Part of using the Law of Attraction is accepting that good can come out of anything. That allows your life to flow peacefully, instead of getting stressed out about life’s road bumps. If you want a real spiritual treat, pick up You Can Heal Your Life, the movie, expanded version. You can watch the movie itself or when you need a shorter reinforcement, watch one of Louise’s guests give a talk. This double CD packs a huge punch for a lot less than The Secret. It takes you on a clearer path too, to find your way to using the Law of Attraction effectively.

Stay tuned for more posts on this topic.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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We All Stink Sometimes

There are lots of unrealistic expectations that MANY women, and some men, try to live up to. We push ourselves to lose weight to fit the unrealistic body image that the media portrays as normal. We strive for perfection at all costs. When I was a DoorMat, I did everything I could to be what I thought people expected. It didn’t always work out that way but oh, how I tried. Our appearance isn’t the only area of unrealistic expectations.

Women take perfection to a whole other level when it comes to being sweet smelling and clean for guys, who often reinforce this expectation, while having a lot less regard for their own odors.

Some men expect women to be perfect about hygiene and body functions. And many of us buy into needing to be “ladylike”—neat, clean, soft, and sweet smelling. We shave and tweeze and wax and exfoliate and use creams and bathe, and anything else we can do to maintain that image. What pressure many women go through to camouflage what happens naturally!

Things that are considered totally acceptable in men may be deemed unladylike in women. Yet our bodies function in similar ways and emit odors too!

Natural body functions are often seen as unfeminine. While a majority of both sexes prefer not to think about it, women sweat, have gas, and do other things that create odors. I don’t want to gross out anyone, but it’s true. Being in denial is stressful for women, and often unhealthy if we hold things in. Women are human! Contrary to media images of odorless, noiseless beings, women have body functions that create sounds and odors.

Yet many of us go to great lengths to hide it. It does take its toll.

Some women are in denial about what’s considered unfeminine. I’ve heard some say they don’t sweat—they “glow” or “radiate.” Hello! We all sweat, and if it’s hot and sticky, it stinks. When I return from a run in Central Park, I’m happy to avoid everyone! Let’s be real. We’re human. But our fear of turning men off creates tremendous pressure. It’s time for everyone to accept that women are as human as men.

Where does the need to deny natural bi-products from? Some of it is just insecurity in general. Not being comfortable in your own skin can make you more self-conscious about anything that’s not perfect. But it takes on another level when you’re afraid your romantic partner will get turned off by your natural body functions. Some men experience it too. Even though everyone has some stinky moments, it can be embarrassing in front of others, especially those you want to think well of you.

But it goes from silly to unhealthy when it comes to some bathroom functions. You know what I mean! Many, and I mean MANY women say they’d rather make themselves sick by holding in what needs to come out because of the smell. Everyone does something that smells. Yet we all act like ours is unique. While I know this, I’m with those of you who feel self-conscious.

It’s embarrassing to leave an odor behind. Few people feel good about leaving a bathroom stinky or going into one after someone else left it stinky. But not going for days is unhealthy and shouldn’t happen. MANY women say they hold it in for days and then take a laxative when they’re alone. This is detrimental to your health!

Well I have good news for men and women who are embarrassed to go to the bathroom and leave an odor behind.

I just tried a product called Poo~Pourri ® and can attest that it works. Suzy Batiz was into natural products and learned how to use aromatherapy and essential oils. She created a spray for the toilet bowl using all-natural essential oils. You spray it directly into the toilet water before sitting down. The oils absorb the odor and flush it down. It doesn’t mask odor like air fresheners. It removes it. Poo~Pourri ® traps odors under a layer of film. Then you flush it all down.

After flushing, all that lingers is a pleasant scent. So people who don’t know you use Poo~Pourri will think yours does smell sweet! There are choices of scents to order. Another perk is that the packaging is very nice and looks discreet on your shelf. They also make it in a small bottle size so you can have it with you when visiting friends, for a romantic sleepover, at work and any time you might hesitate to go to the bathroom because others are around.

Congratulations to Suzy Batiz for creating a product that will help millions of women keep their digestion regular, alleviate embarrassment for many men, and allow everyone to use the bathroom, wince free! From now on, I’ll keep it with me! ?Check out Poo~Pourri for yourself.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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Previous Posts

Ditch the Victim Mentality
A common thread among clients who come to me for self-empowerment counseling is “Why do people use me?” And they groan, “Why me?” And they whine, “I’ll never get what I want because of _____.”  I tell them to fill in that blank with, “because I allow myself to be a victim.” People

posted 10:41:37pm Jul. 21, 2014 | read full post »

Standing Up for Yourself
You may be angry at many people and want to tell them all of. But you need to –prepare to take a stand first. Before taking a stand, ask, “Am I WILLING to be serious?” You may want to stop unacceptable behavior, but are you willing to leave or mean “no” or cut visits if ignored? Decide how

posted 12:01:04pm Jul. 18, 2014 | read full post »

Law of Attraction in Action: What You Think Of Yourself
This is post 290 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to manifest your desires. I do it every day! Read all the posts in my Law of Attraction in Action Series to see how. Very often, your biggest roadblocks to achieving goals are the labels you put on yourself.

posted 8:44:56pm Jul. 16, 2014 | read full post »

Why People Become DoorMats/People Pleasers
George Bernard Shaw said, “The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.” Having DMS (DoorMat Syndrome) made me a People Pleaser wh

posted 2:09:35pm Jul. 14, 2014 | read full post »

Law of Attraction in Action: “It’s for the best”
This is post 289 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read all the posts in my Law of Attraction in Action Series  to see how. People get confused when they’re trying to manifest if something doesn’t work out

posted 12:01:14pm Jul. 08, 2014 | read full post »


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