Beliefnet
Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Have you ever watched someone who seemed to possess second-rate skills or talent have a first-rate success? Did it make you wonder why, since so many people who are more gifted or smarter go nowhere? The latter ones may have a key component to success in common—a determination to rise to the top of their game and their careers and they go the distance to achieve it.

Actress Sophia Loren said, “Getting ahead in a difficult profession requires avid faith in yourself. That is why some people with mediocre talent but with great inner drive go much further than people with vastly superior talent.”

All the talent in the world won’t help if you don’t use it. Being the most delicious cookie in the box won’t get you eaten if no one picks you. Being the smartest person in your office won’t help if you don’t open your mouth and show your smarts. Many people waste their natural abilities by not putting them to the test and proving what they’re capable of.

This Recovering DoorMat has learned she can do anything she chooses too. YOU can too!

Think about what you could accomplish if you develop the ability and the inner drive to advance in whatever you want to do. How can you prepare yourself to take the steps to pursue what you say you want? The keys to making progress are:

* Learn what you don’t know. Take a class, get a tutor or mentor, read books, or whatever it takes to teach you what you need before going forward.

* Practice your skills until you improve them and then keep practicing to be as good as possible. Practice may not make you perfect but it will make you better. And the better you get, the stronger your confidence becomes.

* Ask yourself, “How badly do I want [whatever it is you’re pursuing]?” If it’s just a whim, let it go. But if it’s something you want from your soul, acknowledge that. Focus on it. Write it down. Keep in on your mind so you can build a mental momentum.

* Stop making excuses about why you’re not ready or can’t do it. Excuses are self-inflicted road blocks. They say you’ve made a a conscious decision not to go after what you say you want. “I can’t learn to ski since I’m not fit enough.” Give it up or eat healthier, hit the gym and improve your fitness. “I don’t know enough to run the office.” Give it up or educate yourself. Ask lots of questions. Write down what you think you don’t know and find out how to learn it. It’s your choice, not your sentence, to let excuses stop you.

* Decide if achieving your goal is worth the effort. Literally make yourself choose if you prefer to complain or make excuses or do what you’ve gotta do to make it happen. Consciously make the choice. And if the choice is to go for it, start doing the work.

* Affirm your intentions. “I trust myself to do____.” “I want___ enough to do what it takes.” “I can do it!” “I’m good enough!” Make up your own affirmations to fit your situation.

* Focus on doing what you have to. Start with one baby step at a time. Do something to move forward, even if it seems trivial. One step closer is one step closer! Then take another. Even if reaching your goal takes time, keep moving forward.

* Push through the doubts or fears or pain if you want to get to the other side. It will be worth it when you get what you want.

This morning I saw gymnast Kerri Strug on a TV morning show. I remembered watching the gymnastics finals in the 1996 Olympics. The US team was in contention for a gold medal and Kerri was last to do her vault. It was all up to her. Everyone thought it was over when Kerri fell and injured her ankle on her first try. She was in pain but needed to stick her landing on the second vault. Most athletes would have mourned their bad luck and allowed themselves to be carried off. Not Kerri!

I held my breath as she focused on her second vault with determination. She did it perfectly, landed on both feet and held it long enough to secure gold for the American team. Then she collapsed from the pain. Some have it, some don’t. It’s hard to stay in the game and not get discouraged or give up because of difficulties. Advancing in any career takes work. Some goals add extra elements of difficulty. You need a strong soul, and strong faith, in both you and in knowing you have spiritual support. Kerri Strug wanted to win badly enough to endure the pain and focus on what she needed to do. Do you?

Kerri is now working with ING to encourage young people to get out and run through a program called Orange Laces. Check it out and donate if you can! She’s now determined to help kids become more fit.

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This is my eleventh post in my Monday series on the Law of Attraction, inspired by watching Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life, the movie, expanded version.

I’ve encountered some interesting views of the concept of RESPECT. Some people tend to use the concept without really knowing what respect means. I’ve heard complaints about a boss, romantic partner, friend, service person, client, etc. saying or doing inappropriate things and called them not being respectful. Yet they never addressed what they complained about. That tells the person it’s OK to keep doing it. People complain about their opinions or input not being respected. Yet their actions attract it.

Years ago, I was on the board of an organization. During board meetings, other members would call out and often refused to follow the rules of order. Sometimes it became a free-for-all. I was the chairwoman, but when someone wanted to speak out of turn, she ignored me. I’d encourage respecting the way board meetings are supposed to be run. They scoffed. I encouraged respecting each other, and themselves as board members. One day, one said in disgust:

“You and that respect word! Don’t you get tired of it?”

No, I don’t. I try to respect others while respecting myself. Yet so many folks don’t get this concept or what a lack of respect attracts to you. When you don’t respect yourself, the Law of Attraction supports your not being treated with respect. When you don’t respect others, the Law of Attraction brings negative behavior back to you. The woman who asked that questions was normally a people pleaser. She didn’t get much respect, which may be why she bristled so much at the word.

When I was on Oprah, audience members discussed how much they please to be liked. But RESPECT? Not important!

Many equated being respected with alienating people, which is far from the truth! I understand, and felt that way when I was a DoorMat. If I didn’t jump to do someone’s bidding, that person might not like me anymore, which back then was tantamount to death. The more I gave no matter how they behaved, the less respect I got. But I didn’t care! DoorMats usually don’t like themselves anyway and feel undeserving of respect. I hated me back then and couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to respect me. Needless to say, I didn’t respect me!

When you make pleasing others most important, the Law of Attraction supports that belief and you don’t attract respect.

When you don’t respect yourself, you send the message that you’re not worthy of respect and therefore, don’t expect it, so RESPECT continues to allude you.

Oprah’s audience talked about all they did for others. One person after another sheepishly stood up to share the great lengths they took to give or do for others. Was it often reciprocated? Not really. They tried to justify it by explaining how good it felt to give and make others happy. Yet there was an underlying unhappiness in their defense of people pleasing ways. Fear drove them to give and sacrifice respect. They were scared of losing friends or just not being liked. Insecurity does that to people who were brought up to be nice, without learning to set boundaries.

Most of Oprah’s audience thought you couldn’t be liked and respected at the same time. But you can, by earning respect first.

Add RESPECT to your vocabulary! Doing that was the ticket to my first destination out of DoorMatville. As I began to respect myself and my right to have my needs too, it became easier to turn down favors I didn’t want to do. Yes, some people didn’t like not getting everything they wanted from me. And yes, a few friends disappeared. But by then I accepted that the ones who turned on me for not doing favors weren’t real friends anyway. Now I value respect and get it from most people. And since I’m still a kind and considerate person, most people still like me!

A nice person whose behavior commands respect is more sincerely liked than one who keeps friends by being agreeable.

Do you associate respect with alienating people? Au contraire, respected people get more! Respect must be earned but many of us weren’t taught how. I was taught to please, not to expect good treatment from others. And, people must be taught to treat you with respect. That begins with respecting yourself. After all, if you don’t, why should people give it to you!

Respect yourself enough to stop letting people play on your kindness! As I said, respect must be the priority. As you learn to respect yourself—which to me means expecting courteous and polite treatment from everyone—AND treating yourself with similar consideration—the Law of Attraction will bring more respect to you.

If you want to attract respect, pay attention to your behavior:

* Do you let people put you down without speaking up? Insults or unasked for input (usually criticism under the guise of “helping” you) make you feel bad, which is disrespectful. Recognize it for what it is and put a stop to it. You don’t have to be confrontational. Respectfully tell the person it’s unacceptable to say those things as it makes you feel bad and thank them for their consideration. If it happens again, remind them of what you said before and if necessary, leave.

* Do you put yourself down to make people laugh or to try to make others feel better? That’s so disrespectful to YOU. It also puts out the message that you don’t respect yourself or think you deserve good treatment. The Law of Attraction will bring it back to you as more disrespect. Listen to yourself and become aware of when you do it. When I had major body image issues Try to catch yourself when you can. Reassure others without putting yourself down and entertain with less personal jokes.

* Do you jump to be accommodating, even for people who aren’t considerate to you? Ask yourself why? What are you afraid of? Losing someone who doesn’t care about you beyond what you do for him? Not being liked by someone who uses you? Having her get mad if you say no? Think before agreeing to something. Ask yourself if the person deserves it. If no, politely decline. Then consciously feel the self-respect it brings!

Fyodor Dostoyevsky said, “…only by self-respect will you compel others to respect you.”

As long as you’re still kind, considerate, and courteous to others, you’re still being nice, even if you stop being their fairy god-DoorMat. The ONLY person you owe more to is YOU! As you begin to show yourself the respect you DESERVE, the Law of Attraction will bring it back to you. When you earn respect first and continue to be nice to others, people who aren’t just there to use you will still like you. But it can’t come the other way around. Kissing up to everyone doesn’t attract respect.

Having enough self-respect to keep your well-being as your first priority will attract a lot of respect from those who are healthy to have in your life. That’s a good use of the Law of Attraction!

Practice showing respect to yourself and to others for the RIGHT reasons—to be a courteous person, not to gain approval. When you make RESPECT part of your working vocabulary and do nothing unfair to others, you’ll like yourself more and others will like you more too. When you begin with earning respect, you can be both respected and liked.

As I valued me more, tolerance for disrespectful behavior crumbled. Since I’m friendly, fair, and courteous, most people still like me. Those who don’t—hey, it’s their problem! If you don’t feel respected, examine how YOU treat you. You get respect by respecting yourself.

As yourself, what’s more important: being liked by others, or yourself? You can guess what this recovering DoorMat chooses now! ? Having RESPECT for yourself and for others attracts wonderful people a situations.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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I was at a diner I like recently and asked my usual waitress if she felt better, since the last time I was they said she went home sick. She whispered to me that she’d has a run-in with the manager and got so upset she felt physically ill for 2 days. What happened? Charlotte said the boss picked on her for unfair reasons. Really railed her. Not long ago, I witnessed this same guy lose his temper with a waiter, who quit on the spot. Yet he continues to verbally attack his staff.

Many people can’t control their anger or frustration. But, they NEVER have a right to take it out on you!

Charlotte said that she was ready to quit. I admired her because I know she needs this job. Yet so many people complain and accept being yelled at by a colleague or boss. Not saying anything gives them permission to continue it. Yelling back just sinks to that person’s level. The best way to address someone who speaks to or yells at you in a disrespectful manner is to calmly let him or her know it’s unacceptable. Period!

While it’s important to speak up, your choice of words and the tone you use determines the impact of your response.

When I was a DoorMat, I whined a lot. “Woe is me for being spoken to like that!” “I’m upset that my colleague often loses her temper and directs the venom at me.” But I was too busy being miserable and hurt and angry to say something that would stop it. Just saying you don’t like it, or getting angry back, doesn’t rectify the problem. You must make it clear to the person that it can’t happen again. Some of the things I’ve found helpful are:

* Don’t get bent out of shape. Losing your own temper gives the person control over you and won’t get you taken seriously. Force yourself to stay calm when you speak. That can rattle someone who’d prefer to rattle you. When you keep your cool, they know you mean business.

* Tell the person it’s inappropriate to take their frustrations out on you. Inappropriate is one of my operative words when dealing with behavior I don’t like. It gets a message across clearly in work situations, better than yelling back!

* If someone yells uncontrollably or irrationally like Charlotte’s boss did, immediate that it’s unacceptable. Unacceptable is another one of my favorite operative words. It makes clear that you won’t tolerate the behavior, under any circumstance.

* Don’t accept blame for being yelled at. The person might say that you provoked the response. You didn’t do the project fast enough so she lost her temper. You said something that annoyed him. That’s a cop-out! No one has the right to yell at you!

* Take professional action. If there’s someone with a higher position, ask for a meeting and request advice on how to deal with the unacceptable behavior. File a complaint. Keep a written record of the behavior so you have something to show later. Yelling at you is harassment if you’ve warned the person and it doesn’t stop.

* Be prepared to walk, if the yelling at you won’t stop. You shouldn’t accept it. Period.

Charlotte returned to work the next day and calmly told the assistant manager that she’d leave for good if it happened again. He spoke to the manager and made him see reason. So far he’s left her alone. She’s a good worker and he didn’t want to lose her.

Just because someone has a higher position that you at work does not give them the right to to talk to you in any way that’s not respectful. Accept that verbal attacks are unacceptable. Sometimes we don’t recognize the damage they cause. Being physically hit seems more like abuse. But verbal railing leaves mental scars, that can hurt you even more! Be very careful.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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This is my tenth post in my Monday series on the Law of Attraction in Action, inspired by watching Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life, the movie, expanded version.

I haven’t been feeling well for 3 weeks. It began with my trip to Miami to speak. I had a lot to drag with me. On the plane, it was hard to get enough water to drink. I normally bring my own but one can’t get through security anymore with water. I brought a nice lunch, which I ate around noon. Schlepping through Miami airport took a while. When I finally got to my hotel, I was exhausted, but went downstairs to meet the others who were there to speak. Forgot to drink enough water.

Because of people arriving late, dinner wasn’t till nine. I was distracted and didn’t at least grab some of the nuts I had with me. It was a high energy evening, followed by a full day at the event I was there for. After all the schlepping, running around and going long periods without food or enough water, I began to feel shaky. The very high humidity didn’t help any either. And, I was very wound up from all the activities.

I was ragged by the second night. And it didn’t get any better!

I stayed in Miami an extra five days at an apartment someone offered me. I was kind to myself but my body didn’t want to heal. Just couldn’t unwind, which made sleep tough. As I began feeling a little better, I had to go home. That trip was more stressful than usual. Returning home, I had a lot to do and a lot on my mind. Sleep wouldn’t come easily. I began to have ailments I never had before. It was scary. I was so weirded out, stressed, and exhausted I didn’t know what to do.

So I chanted affirmations. Over and over. “I feel fabulous. I’m VERY healthy, VERY relaxed, VERY energized, and I’m sleeping VERY well. All is truly well in my world.”

For the last three weeks I’ve been saying that many times a day—with enthusiasm I didn’t feel. I thanked God too, for my good health and for feeling fabulous. And, I treated myself with the Reiki skills I have. But nothing seemed to work. During this time I had to take some smaller trips, which tended to wipe out any progress I made in getting my good health back.

But I never stopped chanting my affirmations and thanking God for my fabulous health, even though I was getting shakes and poor sleep.

I plodded through my writing with no energy. It got scary. But I tried not to talk about it much. When someone asked how I was, I resisted the urge to share my woes, and just said I was great. I wanted sympathy so badly, and reassurance. But I knew the more I complained, the more energy that went out saying that I wasn’t well. Instead I told most people nothing, or that I was good.

The two friends I mentioned it to pushed me to go to the doctor. They suggested diseases I could have. But my faith is so strong that I continued to put my health into God’s hands and enthusiastically affirmed how fabulous my health was. It actually was hard. But the more I said it the more I believed it. It continued sending my expectation of good health out to the Universe. Friday night I noticed a shift in my energy. I’d been doing affirmations and felt more relaxed. That night I fell into a deep sleep and woke up refreshed.

It felt like a miracle. But I knew it was the Law of Attraction in action. I continually put out good health. I guess it took time for my body to respond. But it did!

The common response to not feeling well is to succumb to the energy, or lack of, and put out a vibe of illness, etc. I know that the Law of Attraction will pick that up and support it. That sure wasn’t what I wanted! So despite not feeling it, I did my best to put out that I expected good health. It took a little while but eventually worked!

I’ve had people tell me they must have the flu or a bad cold when their noses get stuffed. I’ll try to suggest that maybe it’s nothing much, or allergies, but they aren’t having it! Self-diagnosis can make it worse when you expect it to be something unpleasant. Next time you don’t feel well, do what you can to nurture yourself and help the symptoms, but don’t take your mind to places of bad illness. Keep telling yourself it’s really not a big deal and you’re healing.

Let the Law of Attraction aid your healing, instead of prolonging your health problem. It really can work when you let it!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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