Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

morguefile.comToday I emailed a writer I’m friendly with, who I’ll call Lynn, to tell her about a story she might pitch to a magazine about my new rap video. Her immediate response was telling me all the reasons that no magazine would accept the idea. I didn’t argue with her since I’m tired of it. But it reminded me of why she always struggles to get work.

Lynn is a very nice person. Sweet as can be. The kind of person people would say that deserves lots of good things to come to her.

But, whenever I see Lynn and ask how she’s doing, she snarls and complains that it’s hard to make a living. Editors are difficult to deal with and close-minded about in her eyes. Life is a struggle to Lynn. Her moaning makes me uncomfortable about answering when she asks how I am. She’s envious when I say my editors are a pleasure to deal with and very open-minded.

She thinks I’m lucky. I think that we both get what we expect.

Lynn carries herself like she has the weight of the world on her. Her smile is melancholy. She rarely seems happy and dwells on how rotten editors are to work with. I however, am usually in love with life and radiate joy. And while I like some more than others, I’m fine with all my editors. Yes, there are snags along the way as people will be people. But for the most part, I consider my work relationships as blessed as my personal ones.

I’ve tried to talk to Lynn about changing her attitude but just get arguments about how I don’t understand. But I do, all too well, though not in the way she thinks.

Yes, we get back what we give out from the Law of Attraction and Lynn sure manifests her expectations! But besides that, people can feel your attitude. When you expect someone to tear your idea apart, they can feel it. I try to be friendly to everyone, even when they don’t seem the kind of warm and fuzzy people I like. It gets me so much more than going to someone on edge, waiting for the ax to drop, the way Lynn does.

She also puts up her own roadblocks by deciding that someone won’t say yes, hence not even asking.

When you find yourself getting consistently turned down for what you’re going after, monitor your thoughts right before and right after. What’s your mood going in? Is there something in your voice or tone or the words you use that could be making the person consider turning you down? There are many things that can be like red flags to people you ask for something. Some common ones are:

* Are you apologetic when you ask? An apologetic tone is a red flag to someone you’re asking something from. It tells the person you’re not sure you should be asking. That makes them consider more if they should be hesitant to work with you. Roadblock alert! When I was a DoorMat I apologized for everything. It’s a wonder I didn’t say I was sorry for being born! ? Then I’d complain like Lynn that people are difficult to get cooperation from. Now I know that I was the difficult one. Save apologies for when you’re truly wrong and keep them out of your verbal interactions.

* Do you preface requests with a version of, “you probably won’t like this but…” I hear that said often. When it’s said to me, I expect to not like what the person is going to ask for. Self-sabotage alert! When you live in DoorMatville, you often feel unworthy and folks view you as such because of how you communicate. Before you ask, convince yourself of why the person will like it. If you can’t, don’t waste your time asking! YOU must believe it’s good before you can convince others.

* Does your voice radiate a total lack of confidence? If you sound very unsure of yourself, people will be unsure of you. Confidence buster alert! I stammered through requests. That sure won’t make a good impression! Even if you’re nervous, fake confidence by speaking slowly and definitively. Save your ums’ and repeated “reallys” for friends. Make a conscious effort to state your case clearly in a calm, decisive voice, in as few words as possible.

* If you’re in person do you slump or avoid eye contact? This screams insecurity. Body language alert! No matter how insecure you truly are, you can fake pulling your shoulders back, holding your head high and looking the person in the eye (without staring him or her down!). That just takes consciousness, not real confidence, but it can lead to building your confidence as you get better results.

* Does your attitude reflect that you expect to be turned down or to have a confrontation like Lynn’s does? Every mention she makes of getting new assignments has an edge of defeat in it. Do you do that? I used to feel defeated from the starting gate and it showed in my expectation as I waited to be turned down. Self-kicking in the butt alert! Now I approach people with the true excitement I feel. It can be contagious!

* Are you friendly or somber? Being friendly always gives you a leg up. Sounding somber brings people down. Smile alert! Force a smile. It puts you into a better mood and will do that to the people you interact with. It’s hard to be somber when you’re passionate about what you ask for! Enthusiasm gets people on board. Somber makes people want to move on. Save somber for funerals and curl those lips NOW!

It doesn’t matter how unlikely what you want may seem or how many people tell you it won’t happen. Had I listened to those voices, I’d still be unhappily living in DoorMatville. I wouldn’t have become the first white female rapper or had 10 books published with 2 more under contact. I bucked systems and nay-sayers when I wanted to do something and proved many folks wrong.

When my last book came out, a big newspaper wrote something negative about it. I’d just convinced Lynn to pitch a story to that paper on a different angle about my book. She emailed to say she wasn’t going to bother since the review wasn’t good. I argued that the secondary story was till good. She balked. I danced with her until she finally agreed to pitch it to get me off her dance card.

No one was more shocked than Lynn when the story ran. My energy overrode hers!

I got Lynn’s email saying there’s no point in pitching a story about how I, the first white female rapper, was making a music video of my first rap, Girls Can Do after being motivated by writing my 2 new books. She said no one would care since I’m older now. Hello! I think it’s a great story and it will get written, but not by Lynn. I’m tired of dancing with the bah humbug girl and will just nicely send her a link to the first article about me. ?

Watch for self-imposed roadblocks. It can be hard enough to follow your dreams without YOU standing in your own way. Having done that for MANY years, I can attest that dissolving the blocks and being open t
o all of life’s goodies creates a much better and joyously happier life than being a bah humbug person
. Pay attention to your attitude. If it’s not going in a direction to enhance your life, make the effort to alter it. Then you can see why this recovering DoorMat wakes up smiling every day. ?

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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This is post 25 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day!

Last week someone commented on my post about how trust allows the Law of Attraction to work better. She said she tries to trust but it’s not easy. It’s not! You won’t just read my post and implement trust, which has to be earned–trust in yourself and in the Law of Attraction’s ability to manifest.

Developing trust in being able to count on your spiritual power is a process to develop—a delightful, generous process that brings more and more smiles as it works!

Most change takes time–to let go of old beliefs and doubts so that the Law of Attraction can work for you. When I was a DoorMat I was also a doubting atheist. So if I could get to a place of total trust, anyone can! I was an atheist but I also was a good person. When I read You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, I recognized that I lived by some of the spiritual principles she discussed. But trusting was another story. I did want to, as I’m sure you do too. So I slowly began to test the water.

Consciously manifesting with the Law of Attraction isn’t hard in the true sense of hard. But it is hard to let go of doubt, which thwarts the process. You CAN do it if you’re patient and open-minded. The biggest roadblock to doing it is probably YOU. That said, the biggest asset for manifesting is YOU! So it’s YOUR choice. Here’s some concrete suggestions:

* Don’t fight it with logical arguments. I’m astounded by how many people I work with or encounter say they want to use the Law of Attraction and then give me every reason why it may not work for them. It doesn’t matter what happened in the past. EVERYONE is capable of manifesting!

* Make a conscious decision to try. It may sound obvious but since your thoughts and intentions create your reality, you may have some that say you can’t. This is the beginning of letting go of old bad habits that blocked manifesting. “I intend to manifest what I choose to.” Then choose to! Keep saying it until it feels right and you feel more passion about it.

* Start small. Test your power on something simple. Louise Hay suggests beginning with finding a parking spot. I had a car when I read that and it worked! I affirmed that I had a good spot and got one every time I truly focused on manifesting. My dentist was almost positive that I’d need surgery on a tooth that was inflamed. While I waited for the results of the xray, I affirmed that my tooth would be easy to heal. He returned and said I was very lucky. He found something minimal that caused my problem and it didn’t take much to fix it. I knew it wasn’t luck! When I saw my affirmations work, I tried other things. The more it worked the more I trusted, like going up a long staircase, one step at a time.

* Be realistic. Don’t expect big miracles overnight, unless you’re ready, willing and able to surrender total trust to let it happen. Yes, YOU let it happen, or not. As your trust increases as you see your efforts working, you can try for bigger things. But you can’t just wish for a million bucks, or a bicycle like in The Secret, and wake up to find it. Your soul had to see it and believe it’s coming. It took me years to get to bigger miracles. The most important thing is that you eventually reach your goals.

* Focus on what’s best for your highest good. Sometimes what you want may not be what’s best for your highest good. But you want it! If you do get it, you may not feel the satisfaction you expected. As your trust increases, ask for what’s in your highest good. I’ll express what I want and then add that I’d like it IF it’s in my highest good. Or, if it’s not, please send me what is. That shows you trust!

* Practice accepting what happens. It may not be what you want but it may be the best way. When things don’t go as planned, I say, “Everything happens for a reason.” I always look for the reason later and find it! You may think that something has to happen or you need to have gratification right now only to discover that wasn’t true. Acceptance brings satisfying results!

* Ask God (or whatever spiritual power you believe in, or want to) to forgive you for having doubts since it’s hard to let go of them, and for support in getting past doubts. It’s normal to have old messages pop into your head as you try to put out positive thoughts and support them with belief. I still do! Don’t get angry or frustrated. Acknowledge that you have them and want to get rid of them. Ask for forgiveness for having doubts and for support in overriding them to manifest. In situations where I’ve had a lot of things go wrong in the past, old memories still come up when I’m in the situation again. But I thank God for understanding that it’s hard to let go of old memories and fears that negative things will happen. Then I manifest!

* Ask God (or whatever spiritual power you believe in, or want to) for a sign and WATCH carefully. When I’ve felt down, I’ve asked for a sign that He was listening. I’ve ALWAYS gotten one. I’m sure you do too but like I used to be, it can be hard to recognize those signs. Now I do! Once when I was down and thinking that maybe I should find another profession, I got one fan letter after another. I get them every day but this day they came in a barrage. I knew that was God saying to hang in. I lightened my mood and my situation changed. Another time I was waiting for news and it didn’t look good. I again asked for a sign. My whole day went in synch. Everyone I called, mainly people who are hard to catch, answered the phone. Traffic lights that are always red when I walk across town turned green as I got to the corner. It was amazing.

Many people would see all these things as coincidences. I recognize them as God speaking to me, letting me know he’s with me. Even if that’s not true, if I believe it is, I expect what I need to come, and that works. So if it’s just a mental thing, I’m down with that if it helps me manifest goodies!

Slowly work yourself to developing trust in being able to manifest with your thoughts and faith. Give it as much time as you need to really get it into your head that you’ll get the support you believe will come. Trusting in the Law of Attraction will truly reward you when you build enough trust to allow it to.

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..

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I have a hand-me-down table and chairs in my dining area. It’s what people see first when they walk into my apartment. I’ve never liked them but they served a purpose. I got used to using this table and chairs and they became part of my normal environment. Someone close to me offered to buy me new chairs for the holidays. I was surprised but she said it was long overdue. I turned her offer down, but it made me more conscious that I needed new furniture.

So I promised myself that when I got my next really good book deal, I’d splurge on a new dinette set. I got a good deal this week!

I live in Manhattan, without a car, and have little access to one. I looked online for dinette sets but preferred to see the furniture in person before buying anything, especially after reading bad reviews about chairs I liked a lot. I wracked my brain trying to figure out who could help me. I’ve always depended on people with cars, and preferably some strength. But most of my friends don’t have cars. I felt frustrated, until it hit me.

I had to handle it myself! I liked the idea of being more self-sufficient.

So yesterday I looked online at Ikea’s selection and found a table and chairs I liked. But they weren’t available online. Bah! I thought about renting a car but it’s very pricy in the city. Normally when I do, I go to Long Island, as Enterprise has a great weekend special. But that meant killing a lot of time and I’m time deprived with 2 book deals on short deadlines and 2 new books about to be launched. I saw there was an Ikea in Brooklyn. Daylle normally doesn’t go to Brooklyn! But it was near the first stop from Manhattan. They have a bus from the subway station.

I thought about it all day and in the late afternoon, on the spur of the moment, I hopped on the subway and headed to Brooklyn.

It was very cold. There was a little wait for the free shuttle bus but was way too far to walk. So I focused on how happy I was to be taking control of getting what I needed. When I arrived I was revved! I chose the table and chairs I wanted. I asked sales rep what they charge to have it shipped. Seems they have a flat fee for a delivery—100 bucks! The guy assured me it was good because I could get a lot of furniture for that one fee.

But I didn’t need a lot of furniture! My unassembled table was bulky and heavy but the chairs weren’t. I wasn’t going to buy more to take advantage of this flat fee delivery charge!

I chatted up some friendly salespeople and asked for suggestions. One told me there were livery cabs out front. She warned me to be careful, since they can charge inflated rates. I smiled and said I’m a New Yorker, used to negotiating and went to get my table and chairs. The table is quite heavy. I tried to pull it off the shelf, as Ikea has a self-service system. My mind went to thoughts of having to skip buying the table that night and trying to find someone strong to come with me at another time to get the table.

But I wanted to get it now! So I decided that I find a way. Determined, I saw 2 guys in the aisle and asked if they’d help me get the table into the rack underneath my shopping cart.

They did! It barely fit. They had to put it so it stuck out on both sides, making it hard to maneuver the cart and get around. Still determined, I slowly walked the cart to the checkout. Then I walked outside to find a ride. A guy ran over. He was with a group of drivers, looking for people to make money from. He said $50 to take me home, which wasn’t close, but I felt this was too much. So I said no. He went down to $40. I said $35. He refused and walked away. I finally agreed to $40.

Then another guy ran over and said he’d take me for $35. I’d already agreed to the $40. Old thoughts played ping-pong as they went through my head.

* It wasn’t nice to go back on the agreement, BUT, why shouldn’t I pay less?
* He’d already walked me out, pushing my cart, BUT the other guy actually seemed more pleasant. The first one seemed surly.

The people pleaser would have felt obligated to go with the first guy under the guise of trying to be nice. But I don’t live in DoorMatville anymore! Yet I’d agreed to pay him what he asked. Wasn’t it the nice thing to do to go with him? NO!

I’m still nice but knew that paying more to a guy who seemed unpleasant wasn’t nice.

So I went with the other guy. He agreeably loaded my stuff without letting me help. I’m sure the other guy would have grumbled about how heavy the table was. We had a nice conversation as we drove. The other guy would have been silent and I’d have felt uncomfortable. When we got to my building, the driver insisted on carrying the table all the way into my elevator since my doorman said he couldn’t carry it. I ended up giving him $40 anyway, since he’d been so nice and helpful.

My doorman didn’t want me to have to drag the table from the elevator to my door so he locked the front door, got a dolly, and helped me bring it into my apartment. I’ve been nice to him and he wanted to help me. Today I’ll put it together. It feels so good knowing that step-by-step, I manifested ways to get my table and chairs home. I took control and by doing so, solutions came. A friend can’t imagine how I got such a heavy table home. But it really wasn’t tough.

I never had to lift it—not once! All along the way home I expected to get help and got it.

Most tasks are do-able when you have faith and determination. And it can work out for your highest good when you make what’s best for you a priority, without hurting someone. I felt proud that I got on the subway and went to get my furniture. I also felt proud that I didn’t succumb to old “be nice” messages that would have put me in the car with the first guy. It all worked out because it was my intention! Life is so much sweeter when you take care of yourself with faith that everything will work out!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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I’m happy to have Kate Hanley as my guest today. I recommended her book, The Anywhere, Anytime Chill Guide: 77 Simple Strategies for Serenity in my nurturing gift suggestions for the holidays. Kate is the founder of Ms. Here is an excerpt from her book, one of the 77 strategies. It’s from the section titled Indecisive.

Listening to Your Body
By Kate Hanley

Having the ability to make choices is one of the distinguishing benefits of being an adult. Babies don’t get to decide when to have their diaper changed. Even teens don’t get to say how long they’ll stay out at night. But you, you can choose which job to take, where to live, who you want to hang out with, and whether you want to have Indian or Chinese for dinner. Sadly, even though being the master of your own fate is a privilege, making a decision often isn’t easy. Whether you’re pondering your next career move or trying to figure out what to wear, weighing your options and committing to a decision can become so mind-boggling that you almost wish someone would just tell you what to do.

To that end, you’ve asked your friends, your Mom, the guy on the bus next to you this morning, and your Magic 8 ball—twice—for their opinions. Although other people’s insights can be extremely valuable, the truth is, you’re the only one who knows what’s best for you. There’s only one place left to turn. And that’s inward. It’s time to ask the wisest, most levelheaded part of yourself. Whether you call it a gut instinct, a hunch, or a feeling in your bones, everyone has an inner wisdom that resides deep within the body. This voice knows you better than anyone and always has a clear opinion about what you should do next. Unfortunately, it can’t write urgent memos or leave a high-priority voice mail. For the most part, this voice speaks in physical sensations—a funny little tingle in your chest or an unexplained heavy feeling in your stomach, for instance—that you likely don’t have time to notice, much less listen to. Today is the day that begins to change. . . .

Taking a few minutes to mentally check in with your body can help you make better decisions—the kind that seem to effortlessly result in a much happier you. It may feel like an exercise you really don’t have time for, but consider how many hours spent making pro and con lists and lying awake at night pondering your future you could save. Best of all, the more you use this exercise, the better you’ll get at it. With practice, you’ll be able to access your inner wisdom in a matter of seconds simply by standing still and noticing what’s going on in your body. Hey, it’s a lot cheaper than the Psychic Friends Network.

Remedy: Listen to Your Body

Ingredients: Someplace relatively quiet—a conference room, your parked car, even a public restroom

Time Needed: Five minutes (and even less once you get better at hearing what your body has to say)

• Sit comfortably in your chosen spot.
• Turn off any distractions, such as the TV, your cell phone, or the computer.
• Inhale a deep breath and exhale out every last drop of air. Take three breaths this way to cue your body’s relaxation response.
• Close your eyes if it helps you to relax and concentrate. If it only makes you feel sleepy, keep them open.
• Ask yourself the question you’re wrestling with. Should I find a new apartment? Is this the right job/guy/option for me?

Your job now is to notice:
o What’s happening with your breath? Breathing shallowly, like a panting dog, is a sure sign of stress. Holding your breath can indicate fear. Slow, deep breaths point toward acceptance.

o How does your stomach feel? Does it feel heavy, like you swallowed a brick? Probably not a good sign. Is there a tingling there, or a lightness? This could indicate that some deeper part of you is truly excited about the proposition before you.

o How does your heart feel? As with your stomach, feeling heaviness is most likely a sign that the choice you’re considering is not the best one for you. (You’ve heard the term “a heavy heart.” It’s pretty much universally considered something you don’t want to have.) On the other hand, feeling warm or tingly points toward the fact that your metaphorical heart is with you on this one.

o Before you finish, scan your head, neck, shoulders, hips, legs, and feet. Any noteworthy sensation there, such as tightness (which can indicate stress) or tingling (which points toward excitement)?

o Open your eyes and take one more deep inhale and exhale to give yourself the chance to re-acclimate to your surroundings before you go bounding off back into your day.

• Different people get messages from their inner wisdom in different ways. If you’re listening to your body but it’s not saying anything that you can understand, try writing down whatever comes to your mind. You don’t have to have a special journal—scribbles on a legal pad work quite nicely.

• Or, you may need movement to help quiet your mind. Try the exercise described above while walking, knitting, weeding, sweeping, or any other methodical activity that doesn’t require your full concentration. Please don’t try it while you’re driving or chopping vegetables–some things really are best left to the rational mind.

• And if you try and don’t hear anything, try again tomorrow. The more you do this, the better you’ll get. It’s just like learning to speak any new language. It takes time, patience, and practice.

• Finally, there are two types of fear. One is your body’s way of alerting you that something isn’t right and the situation may become dangerous. The other merely signals that you are moving out of your comfort zone–something every single one of us needs to do from time to time, scary as it may be, to keep moving forward. In my experience, the fear that signals danger feels heavier, like dread, while the other kind of fear has a lighter quality, like butterflies in your stomach—it might be the most intense case of butterflies you’ve ever had, but there is still a fluttery quality. As you become better at listening to your body, notice your own cues for each type of fear so that you can tell the difference between them.

• This exercise is also particularly helpful in navigating the physical and emotional changes that accompany pregnancy. Developing a daily habit of checking in with your body to see what it needs to feel its best can help you ward off the nausea, fatigue, head
aches, and mood swings that many women experience when they are carrying a baby.

• Helps you stop obsessing and start taking action
• Reduces your stress levels by helping you get out of limbo (otherwise known as purgatory)
• Boosts your confidence in the choices you make (Guts don’t lie.)
• Sets the stage for you to sleep better, since you won’t have to stay awake and ponder your future anymore

Check out Kate Hanley’s book, The Anywhere, Anytime Chill Guide: 77 Simple Strategies for Serenity to get 76 more step by step sets of instructions to calm your life. You can learn more about Kate at Ms.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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