Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

This is post 26 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

Saturday is Valentine’s Day, which I call V-Day. It’s a day when MANY women wait for love to be specially expressed and romance to abound. It’s also a day when many men get stressed or feel pressure to accommodate the expectations of their partners. And it’s also a day when many single women feel depressed, like they’re missing out on love. The expectations and longings on V-Day get blown up and create disproportionate expectations for one day of love.

Many emotions are stirred on February 14th each year! We give this one day so much importance.

I admit that I’m a hopeless romantic. I love sweet gestures and getting flowers and other surprises. But love isn’t about obligation. It also isn’t about forcing someone to express it with gifts. But that’s what happens on this day designated for love. I laugh when I see men lined up at delis buying flowers and in drug stores buying last minute candy and stuffed animals and any other things to impress their ladies.

This is all done as single chicks struggle to survive the day of love without a special man.

I used to get depressed on V-Day if I didn’t have someone to bring me flowers. I’d often get together with a friend to commiserate a lack of love. Every time we saw someone walk by with flowers we had an ouch moment. Actually, we’d torture ourselves. If I didn’t see the flowers, she’d point it out and vice versa. We’d moan about not having a guy and share how much we both wanted to be in a relationship. I found it funny that the days before and after I was fine about being single.

But February 14th brought out the needy in me as it does in many people.

We’re inundated with ads for romantic endeavors and gifts for a while before this targeted day for love. It can make even the strongest chick long for what we see or read about. Single men can feel the sadness too if they want to be in a relationship. I’d bet that there’s a lot of depression on V-Day when it’s supposed to be a day to honor love. Even people in relationships feel let down from the pressure to buy the right gift or do the right thing. And the disappointment when your partner doesn’t come up with the most romantic ways possible to express love.

BUT—LOVE ISN’T A ONCE A YEAR DEAL! Putting so much into the love you get, or don’t get, on February 14th demeans what love really is.

When I was a DoorMat I waited in expectation for the guy I was with to make me feel loved. But the roses I got didn’t change that I still felt lousy about me; even hated myself often. The roses or dinner or one night display of affection was like a small band aid on a HUGE wound. That wound was from not loving myself. Now that I’ve left DoorMatville, whether I’m with a guy or not, I celebrate myself on V-Day. Then I always get the love I want the most—from ME!

When you get depressed on Valentine’s Day, you tell the Law of Attraction you have a lack love, which results in continuing to feel unloved.

Pay attention to all the love around you, whether it’s romantic or a kind neighbor, family member or friend. Love comes in all kinds of packages, but it’s still love and should be appreciated all year long. It may not feel the same as a romantic partner on V-Day but can still be satisfying. I once was in London on V-Day. I used to go there regularly when I had my record label and I stayed in a bed and breakfast owned by a family I became friends with.

I was particularly friendly with Bernard, one of the brothers who owned it. He saw how down I was about having no love on V-Day. I saw people carrying flowers but none were for me. When I returned to my room later, there was a stuffed bear holding a bouquet of roses—“with love from your friend Bernard.” We weren’t romantically involved but it made a big impact on my heart. I kept that bear for many years as a reminder of how pure and delightful a loving gesture like that can be.

The biggest love that should be nurtured on V-Day is what you give to YOU!

Strong self-love makes it easier to navigate the emotions on February 14th and gives it a lot less importance than what the media hypes it to be. Loving yourself is not only valid love, but it’s the most critical and valuable kind. You can give it any time, any place, whether you’re single or in a relationship.

Being loving to yourself sends the message that you deserve love, and therefore you’ll attract more of it.

I learned this a few years ago when I broke up with someone just before the “big” day. He was very romantic and I’d looked forward to receiving roses and other goodies. But, he’d done something that I knew couldn’t be excused just for this reason. I began to get depressed when I went out and saw what seemed to be everyone carrying roses but me. My initial response was to feel unloved. But as I began to indulge in self-pity, I remembered:

The greatest gift to yourself is to love yourself. I made a vow that V-Day to honor that love!

I imagined the most perfect rose in my head. It was yellow, with rusty orange edges and I went on a mission to find it. I just wanted on perfect rose. I finally found it in a florist shop for 10 bucks. That’s right! I spend 10 bucks on ONE rose! I’m worth it! It gave me such pleasure to be able to make myself feel so good from buying that rose. I’ve been buying myself a bouquet of flowers every week for years, but this was the first time I’d bought a rose. Now I do it occasionally just because, even when it’s not V-Day!

The heck with waiting for a guy to do it! I love me and if I have a boyfriend, I’m loved even more, since I’m already loved without one. V-Day is now Self-Love Day to me!

Honor yourself on Saturday, whether you’re in a relationship or not. Do something special for you. Be loving and kind. There’s nothing like self-love for being consistent and always available. It’s not a substitute for the love of someone else. Even when I’m in love with a guy, I’m in love with myself too. Guys may come and go but I’m here to stay! This Saturday I’m planning a healthy day, since keeping myself fit and healthy is a super gift of self-love.

The more you show yourself love, the more the Law of Attraction responds with more love. Corny as it sounds, LOVE does make my world joyous. Money is nice. Possessions are nice. Flowers are nice. But LOVE is priceless! Indulge in self-love and allow the Law of Attraction to return it with more joy.


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morguefile.comToday I emailed a writer I’m friendly with, who I’ll call Lynn, to tell her about a story she might pitch to a magazine about my new rap video. Her immediate response was telling me all the reasons that no magazine would accept the idea. I didn’t argue with her since I’m tired of it. But it reminded me of why she always struggles to get work.

Lynn is a very nice person. Sweet as can be. The kind of person people would say that deserves lots of good things to come to her.

But, whenever I see Lynn and ask how she’s doing, she snarls and complains that it’s hard to make a living. Editors are difficult to deal with and close-minded about in her eyes. Life is a struggle to Lynn. Her moaning makes me uncomfortable about answering when she asks how I am. She’s envious when I say my editors are a pleasure to deal with and very open-minded.

She thinks I’m lucky. I think that we both get what we expect.

Lynn carries herself like she has the weight of the world on her. Her smile is melancholy. She rarely seems happy and dwells on how rotten editors are to work with. I however, am usually in love with life and radiate joy. And while I like some more than others, I’m fine with all my editors. Yes, there are snags along the way as people will be people. But for the most part, I consider my work relationships as blessed as my personal ones.

I’ve tried to talk to Lynn about changing her attitude but just get arguments about how I don’t understand. But I do, all too well, though not in the way she thinks.

Yes, we get back what we give out from the Law of Attraction and Lynn sure manifests her expectations! But besides that, people can feel your attitude. When you expect someone to tear your idea apart, they can feel it. I try to be friendly to everyone, even when they don’t seem the kind of warm and fuzzy people I like. It gets me so much more than going to someone on edge, waiting for the ax to drop, the way Lynn does.

She also puts up her own roadblocks by deciding that someone won’t say yes, hence not even asking.

When you find yourself getting consistently turned down for what you’re going after, monitor your thoughts right before and right after. What’s your mood going in? Is there something in your voice or tone or the words you use that could be making the person consider turning you down? There are many things that can be like red flags to people you ask for something. Some common ones are:

* Are you apologetic when you ask? An apologetic tone is a red flag to someone you’re asking something from. It tells the person you’re not sure you should be asking. That makes them consider more if they should be hesitant to work with you. Roadblock alert! When I was a DoorMat I apologized for everything. It’s a wonder I didn’t say I was sorry for being born! ? Then I’d complain like Lynn that people are difficult to get cooperation from. Now I know that I was the difficult one. Save apologies for when you’re truly wrong and keep them out of your verbal interactions.

* Do you preface requests with a version of, “you probably won’t like this but…” I hear that said often. When it’s said to me, I expect to not like what the person is going to ask for. Self-sabotage alert! When you live in DoorMatville, you often feel unworthy and folks view you as such because of how you communicate. Before you ask, convince yourself of why the person will like it. If you can’t, don’t waste your time asking! YOU must believe it’s good before you can convince others.

* Does your voice radiate a total lack of confidence? If you sound very unsure of yourself, people will be unsure of you. Confidence buster alert! I stammered through requests. That sure won’t make a good impression! Even if you’re nervous, fake confidence by speaking slowly and definitively. Save your ums’ and repeated “reallys” for friends. Make a conscious effort to state your case clearly in a calm, decisive voice, in as few words as possible.

* If you’re in person do you slump or avoid eye contact? This screams insecurity. Body language alert! No matter how insecure you truly are, you can fake pulling your shoulders back, holding your head high and looking the person in the eye (without staring him or her down!). That just takes consciousness, not real confidence, but it can lead to building your confidence as you get better results.

* Does your attitude reflect that you expect to be turned down or to have a confrontation like Lynn’s does? Every mention she makes of getting new assignments has an edge of defeat in it. Do you do that? I used to feel defeated from the starting gate and it showed in my expectation as I waited to be turned down. Self-kicking in the butt alert! Now I approach people with the true excitement I feel. It can be contagious!

* Are you friendly or somber? Being friendly always gives you a leg up. Sounding somber brings people down. Smile alert! Force a smile. It puts you into a better mood and will do that to the people you interact with. It’s hard to be somber when you’re passionate about what you ask for! Enthusiasm gets people on board. Somber makes people want to move on. Save somber for funerals and curl those lips NOW!

It doesn’t matter how unlikely what you want may seem or how many people tell you it won’t happen. Had I listened to those voices, I’d still be unhappily living in DoorMatville. I wouldn’t have become the first white female rapper or had 10 books published with 2 more under contact. I bucked systems and nay-sayers when I wanted to do something and proved many folks wrong.

When my last book came out, a big newspaper wrote something negative about it. I’d just convinced Lynn to pitch a story to that paper on a different angle about my book. She emailed to say she wasn’t going to bother since the review wasn’t good. I argued that the secondary story was till good. She balked. I danced with her until she finally agreed to pitch it to get me off her dance card.

No one was more shocked than Lynn when the story ran. My energy overrode hers!

I got Lynn’s email saying there’s no point in pitching a story about how I, the first white female rapper, was making a music video of my first rap, Girls Can Do after being motivated by writing my 2 new books. She said no one would care since I’m older now. Hello! I think it’s a great story and it will get written, but not by Lynn. I’m tired of dancing with the bah humbug girl and will just nicely send her a link to the first article about me. ?

Watch for self-imposed roadblocks. It can be hard enough to follow your dreams without YOU standing in your own way. Having done that for MANY years, I can attest that dissolving the blocks and being open t
o all of life’s goodies creates a much better and joyously happier life than being a bah humbug person
. Pay attention to your attitude. If it’s not going in a direction to enhance your life, make the effort to alter it. Then you can see why this recovering DoorMat wakes up smiling every day. ?

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This is post 25 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day!

Last week someone commented on my post about how trust allows the Law of Attraction to work better. She said she tries to trust but it’s not easy. It’s not! You won’t just read my post and implement trust, which has to be earned–trust in yourself and in the Law of Attraction’s ability to manifest.

Developing trust in being able to count on your spiritual power is a process to develop—a delightful, generous process that brings more and more smiles as it works!

Most change takes time–to let go of old beliefs and doubts so that the Law of Attraction can work for you. When I was a DoorMat I was also a doubting atheist. So if I could get to a place of total trust, anyone can! I was an atheist but I also was a good person. When I read You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, I recognized that I lived by some of the spiritual principles she discussed. But trusting was another story. I did want to, as I’m sure you do too. So I slowly began to test the water.

Consciously manifesting with the Law of Attraction isn’t hard in the true sense of hard. But it is hard to let go of doubt, which thwarts the process. You CAN do it if you’re patient and open-minded. The biggest roadblock to doing it is probably YOU. That said, the biggest asset for manifesting is YOU! So it’s YOUR choice. Here’s some concrete suggestions:

* Don’t fight it with logical arguments. I’m astounded by how many people I work with or encounter say they want to use the Law of Attraction and then give me every reason why it may not work for them. It doesn’t matter what happened in the past. EVERYONE is capable of manifesting!

* Make a conscious decision to try. It may sound obvious but since your thoughts and intentions create your reality, you may have some that say you can’t. This is the beginning of letting go of old bad habits that blocked manifesting. “I intend to manifest what I choose to.” Then choose to! Keep saying it until it feels right and you feel more passion about it.

* Start small. Test your power on something simple. Louise Hay suggests beginning with finding a parking spot. I had a car when I read that and it worked! I affirmed that I had a good spot and got one every time I truly focused on manifesting. My dentist was almost positive that I’d need surgery on a tooth that was inflamed. While I waited for the results of the xray, I affirmed that my tooth would be easy to heal. He returned and said I was very lucky. He found something minimal that caused my problem and it didn’t take much to fix it. I knew it wasn’t luck! When I saw my affirmations work, I tried other things. The more it worked the more I trusted, like going up a long staircase, one step at a time.

* Be realistic. Don’t expect big miracles overnight, unless you’re ready, willing and able to surrender total trust to let it happen. Yes, YOU let it happen, or not. As your trust increases as you see your efforts working, you can try for bigger things. But you can’t just wish for a million bucks, or a bicycle like in The Secret, and wake up to find it. Your soul had to see it and believe it’s coming. It took me years to get to bigger miracles. The most important thing is that you eventually reach your goals.

* Focus on what’s best for your highest good. Sometimes what you want may not be what’s best for your highest good. But you want it! If you do get it, you may not feel the satisfaction you expected. As your trust increases, ask for what’s in your highest good. I’ll express what I want and then add that I’d like it IF it’s in my highest good. Or, if it’s not, please send me what is. That shows you trust!

* Practice accepting what happens. It may not be what you want but it may be the best way. When things don’t go as planned, I say, “Everything happens for a reason.” I always look for the reason later and find it! You may think that something has to happen or you need to have gratification right now only to discover that wasn’t true. Acceptance brings satisfying results!

* Ask God (or whatever spiritual power you believe in, or want to) to forgive you for having doubts since it’s hard to let go of them, and for support in getting past doubts. It’s normal to have old messages pop into your head as you try to put out positive thoughts and support them with belief. I still do! Don’t get angry or frustrated. Acknowledge that you have them and want to get rid of them. Ask for forgiveness for having doubts and for support in overriding them to manifest. In situations where I’ve had a lot of things go wrong in the past, old memories still come up when I’m in the situation again. But I thank God for understanding that it’s hard to let go of old memories and fears that negative things will happen. Then I manifest!

* Ask God (or whatever spiritual power you believe in, or want to) for a sign and WATCH carefully. When I’ve felt down, I’ve asked for a sign that He was listening. I’ve ALWAYS gotten one. I’m sure you do too but like I used to be, it can be hard to recognize those signs. Now I do! Once when I was down and thinking that maybe I should find another profession, I got one fan letter after another. I get them every day but this day they came in a barrage. I knew that was God saying to hang in. I lightened my mood and my situation changed. Another time I was waiting for news and it didn’t look good. I again asked for a sign. My whole day went in synch. Everyone I called, mainly people who are hard to catch, answered the phone. Traffic lights that are always red when I walk across town turned green as I got to the corner. It was amazing.

Many people would see all these things as coincidences. I recognize them as God speaking to me, letting me know he’s with me. Even if that’s not true, if I believe it is, I expect what I need to come, and that works. So if it’s just a mental thing, I’m down with that if it helps me manifest goodies!

Slowly work yourself to developing trust in being able to manifest with your thoughts and faith. Give it as much time as you need to really get it into your head that you’ll get the support you believe will come. Trusting in the Law of Attraction will truly reward you when you build enough trust to allow it to.

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I have a hand-me-down table and chairs in my dining area. It’s what people see first when they walk into my apartment. I’ve never liked them but they served a purpose. I got used to using this table and chairs and they became part of my normal environment. Someone close to me offered to buy me new chairs for the holidays. I was surprised but she said it was long overdue. I turned her offer down, but it made me more conscious that I needed new furniture.

So I promised myself that when I got my next really good book deal, I’d splurge on a new dinette set. I got a good deal this week!

I live in Manhattan, without a car, and have little access to one. I looked online for dinette sets but preferred to see the furniture in person before buying anything, especially after reading bad reviews about chairs I liked a lot. I wracked my brain trying to figure out who could help me. I’ve always depended on people with cars, and preferably some strength. But most of my friends don’t have cars. I felt frustrated, until it hit me.

I had to handle it myself! I liked the idea of being more self-sufficient.

So yesterday I looked online at Ikea’s selection and found a table and chairs I liked. But they weren’t available online. Bah! I thought about renting a car but it’s very pricy in the city. Normally when I do, I go to Long Island, as Enterprise has a great weekend special. But that meant killing a lot of time and I’m time deprived with 2 book deals on short deadlines and 2 new books about to be launched. I saw there was an Ikea in Brooklyn. Daylle normally doesn’t go to Brooklyn! But it was near the first stop from Manhattan. They have a bus from the subway station.

I thought about it all day and in the late afternoon, on the spur of the moment, I hopped on the subway and headed to Brooklyn.

It was very cold. There was a little wait for the free shuttle bus but was way too far to walk. So I focused on how happy I was to be taking control of getting what I needed. When I arrived I was revved! I chose the table and chairs I wanted. I asked sales rep what they charge to have it shipped. Seems they have a flat fee for a delivery—100 bucks! The guy assured me it was good because I could get a lot of furniture for that one fee.

But I didn’t need a lot of furniture! My unassembled table was bulky and heavy but the chairs weren’t. I wasn’t going to buy more to take advantage of this flat fee delivery charge!

I chatted up some friendly salespeople and asked for suggestions. One told me there were livery cabs out front. She warned me to be careful, since they can charge inflated rates. I smiled and said I’m a New Yorker, used to negotiating and went to get my table and chairs. The table is quite heavy. I tried to pull it off the shelf, as Ikea has a self-service system. My mind went to thoughts of having to skip buying the table that night and trying to find someone strong to come with me at another time to get the table.

But I wanted to get it now! So I decided that I find a way. Determined, I saw 2 guys in the aisle and asked if they’d help me get the table into the rack underneath my shopping cart.

They did! It barely fit. They had to put it so it stuck out on both sides, making it hard to maneuver the cart and get around. Still determined, I slowly walked the cart to the checkout. Then I walked outside to find a ride. A guy ran over. He was with a group of drivers, looking for people to make money from. He said $50 to take me home, which wasn’t close, but I felt this was too much. So I said no. He went down to $40. I said $35. He refused and walked away. I finally agreed to $40.

Then another guy ran over and said he’d take me for $35. I’d already agreed to the $40. Old thoughts played ping-pong as they went through my head.

* It wasn’t nice to go back on the agreement, BUT, why shouldn’t I pay less?
* He’d already walked me out, pushing my cart, BUT the other guy actually seemed more pleasant. The first one seemed surly.

The people pleaser would have felt obligated to go with the first guy under the guise of trying to be nice. But I don’t live in DoorMatville anymore! Yet I’d agreed to pay him what he asked. Wasn’t it the nice thing to do to go with him? NO!

I’m still nice but knew that paying more to a guy who seemed unpleasant wasn’t nice.

So I went with the other guy. He agreeably loaded my stuff without letting me help. I’m sure the other guy would have grumbled about how heavy the table was. We had a nice conversation as we drove. The other guy would have been silent and I’d have felt uncomfortable. When we got to my building, the driver insisted on carrying the table all the way into my elevator since my doorman said he couldn’t carry it. I ended up giving him $40 anyway, since he’d been so nice and helpful.

My doorman didn’t want me to have to drag the table from the elevator to my door so he locked the front door, got a dolly, and helped me bring it into my apartment. I’ve been nice to him and he wanted to help me. Today I’ll put it together. It feels so good knowing that step-by-step, I manifested ways to get my table and chairs home. I took control and by doing so, solutions came. A friend can’t imagine how I got such a heavy table home. But it really wasn’t tough.

I never had to lift it—not once! All along the way home I expected to get help and got it.

Most tasks are do-able when you have faith and determination. And it can work out for your highest good when you make what’s best for you a priority, without hurting someone. I felt proud that I got on the subway and went to get my furniture. I also felt proud that I didn’t succumb to old “be nice” messages that would have put me in the car with the first guy. It all worked out because it was my intention! Life is so much sweeter when you take care of yourself with faith that everything will work out!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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