Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

I hear people complain about their friends. Why does she take me for granted? How can he flirt with my girlfriend? Why don’t I get support? Many have friends who are always downers, whining about the same problem with their romantic partner, boss, roommate or a friend who keeps taking advantage or getting into the same kind of situations that hurt them.

I’ve had them too and used to be the queen of complainers. Talking with a friend was often an opportunity to rant about someone or a situation that annoyed me. Over and over. I don’t know how my friends stood me back then. I had no healthy outlets for anger or tools for dealing with what I didn’t like. I wouldn’t have wanted to spend time with me! ? One day I thought about it. My friends to at least some degree reflected me! I had many of the qualities I didn’t like in others.

When you attract people into your life, you should look at YOU to see what’s attracting them.

Who’s your best friend? Is it your roommate from college or your childhood trouble buddy? When I’m asked that now, I say ME! Few people think of themselves as their own best friend, but you should. When you become your own best friend, you take the power to make yourself happy and attract more like-minded people. What qualities do you like in a friend? Slowly try to develop them in yourself. Think about what kind of friend you are.

Be objective, how would friends describe you as a friend?

Write it down and see if this is the kind of person that you’d want as a friend. If you don’t like what you see, redefine yourself. I hated the “old me.” That version thought she had little to offer and was mainly concerned with pleasing others in an unhealthy way. Now I’ve upped my value and see a beautiful, caring, spiritual woman with a loving heart; a smart, creative, intuitive, forever young free spirit living with passion. That’s me! Period. Gone is too fat and not worthy. Accepting my new definition made it true.

Now write down what you’d like in a friend. Do you have all those qualities?

If not, begin to work on YOU! Focus on specific things you like in others and begin to adopt their habits or they way they handle themselves or the kind of personality you enjoy or whatever else you see as positive qualities. That’s what I did. As I saw what I didn’t like in others, and then saw it in myself, I worked to get rid of those qualities. As I adopted healthier ones that I liked in others, I noticed I met more people who reflected those qualities.

Make an effort to live as the type of person you like to be friends with.

This works for attracting a romantic partner too. The more you develop qualities in yourself that you’d like in one, the better the chance of attracting the right person. When I was insecure and desperate for a boyfriend, I attracted insecure guys and also friends who were desperate. I couldn’t change them but I could change me! As I worked to grow into the qualities I wanted in myself, I didn’t pay much attention to the results, until a funny thing happened.

Without thinking, I said to someone how interesting it was that most of my new friends were similar to me in the ways I find most important.

My friends are mainly people who have the same spiritual beliefs as me, who are independent, positive thinkers and who didn’t need a man to complete them. I’d become someone with the qualities I wished for in my friends! That’s why I attracted those types into my world.

Think about what you like in a friend. Write it all down. Then be more conscious of developing them in yourself.

When you can say with conviction that you’d like yourself a as friend if you were someone else, you’re on the right track to getting healthier friends. A bonus of that is you’ll like yourself more so your self-esteem and confidence will ramp up greatly too!

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This is post 44 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

When I was a DoorMat, I gave A LOT! I mean A LOT! If someone needed something and I could do it, I did. I loaned money that to this day hasn’t been returned, bought gifts, and shared anything I had. And what did I get back? Very little! People were scarce when I needed help. My birthday was forgotten. Nobody treat me to dinners or movies, though I treated regularly. Looking back, I gave to a big black hole of no return.

It seemed like the Law of Attraction gave me nothing for all my giving.

That’s when I had no faith. Many people who are people pleasers like I was lament about why they get so little when they give so much. It hurts to feel unappreciated. That reinforced my feeling that I was unworthy of receiving. Yet I continued to give and give without any reciprocation. I was scared people wouldn’t like me if I didn’t. But deep down I knew they didn’t like ME, they liked what I gave them. I didn’t like me either, so I accepted giving without receiving.

The Law of Attraction WAS working. When you continue to give without receiving, even though you hate it, you attract more of that.

My actions showed that I gave a lot but I accepted not receiving. I attracted more giving without receiving by continuing to give without receiving! You can say you want more all you want but if your head doesn’t believe you should get it, you won’t get more. People pleasers often give out of fear, like I did. Being alone was a scary thought. I treated people so I wouldn’t have to eat alone or sit in a movie theater by myself. But I’ve learned!

There’s great joy in doing things on your own, once you get over the fear. It’s a lot better than paying people to be with you.

I love my own company now. Restaurants are now a place to take my laptop and write uninterrupted or catch up on reading. I can go to a movie when I’m in the mood, not when someone else wants to go. I have a nice balance of doing things with REAL friends and enjoying time on my own. At first I stopped giving altogether. I was angry and felt it wasn’t worth it. But I still got nothing!

Now I’ve learned that when you give from your heart—to be kind to someone with no expectations or to buy someone’s friendship, the Law of Attraction returns it multiplied!

My original motivation for giving was to make people like me. Now that I like myself, I like to give when someone needs my help, but with boundaries that address my own needs. I give because I like helping people. Period! When I can do something for someone else that I know will help them, AND, it doesn’t hurt me or take away from my own needs, I’m happy to do it. I probably give more than I used to on many levels, but it makes me happy, not because it’s an antidote to loneliness.

Leonard Nimoy said, “The miracle is this – the more we share, the more we have.”

The Law of Attraction brings more blessings to you when you share yourself, your time, and other things with people, just to make them happy. Now that I’m a whole person, I no longer worry about who will like me. I like me, and that’s all that matters! Real friends like me too, whether I give or not. If I see a need and can help without putting my own needs aside completely, I help.

Self-sacrificing isn’t giving. It tells the Universe that you don’t matter, hence attracting a lack of others giving to you.

Giving with kind intentions attracts SO MUCH in return. If someone I’ve helped asks how they can reciprocate, I advise paying it forward to someone else who needs help. Whenever I need help, I attract the right people to help me. My life is a continuous blessing! I’m kind to others and get kindness and favors back at the right time! That’s the blessing of sending the right thoughts to the Law of Attraction. I now know I deserve a lot of kindness. So do you!

Examine you giving patterns. Do you do it to please people you want to like you? Or in hope of getting reciprocation? Love yourself enough to just do it to be kind. Keep your own needs in the equation when deciding what you can give. The more kindness you give to others or donate to charity, the more you’ll receive. It’s the law! ?

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I have so many books and articles I want to write and other things I want to do. Time is my biggest deterrent. I have a major book I’m finishing up and just got the contract for a new one that I’m excited about. Days can roll by with requests for my time from a million different directions. Interview requests, emails and other things make it necessary for me to stop my general writing to do them. It often gets really frustrating.

And then there are the calls for service, to dispute a bill, etc. And laundry! : ) I haven’t had time to post to my blog as much as I’d like. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in time killers, or not having enough time to sleep. And ya know what that can generate—stress! I don’t like feeling that way. Feeling time deprived can get you into a tizzy. It can feel l like I’m a a treadmill that keeps going faster, as I work all the time but can’t make the progress I’d like.

Lately I noticed that when someone asked how life is, I said, “insane!” Hmmm… Is that how I want to feel? I don’t think so!

Just when I’m lamenting to myself about how much work is on my plate, I think of a musician I interviewed years ago. We were talking about his crazy schedule. He had to book his own shows, go after his own publicity, sell his own CDs, etc. He said every time he stopped to breathe there was something else that needed his attention. I related. So many different tasks are related to being a creative person, working on your own to earn a living doing what we love. I asked how he stays positive in the midst of it all. His words hit me hard:

Blessings bring work.

Wow! He saw all of his work as blessings related to having the career he wanted so he didn’t mind doing them. He didn’t like the individual tasks, but kept focused on the blessings that brought him the work. He told me that 7 years ago and his words continue to resonate in my mind. Lately, I’ve said them a lot to counter saying that I feel insane. I’m not insane! And I don’t want the Law of Attraction to pick that up and reinforce my being insane! ? It’s so much nicer to remember that

Blessings bring work!

So I’m no longer insane, I’m blessedly busy. Oh so many blessings that I can barely keep up with them all but blessings nonetheless. I repeat those 3 words often every day to remind myself that what I do is my choice and I’m blessed to have been able to do it. So many people are stuck in jobs they get no pleasure from. I LOVE what I do! That in itself is a HUGE blessing!

So I’ve accepted that I must take the work that comes with it with appreciation for why it’s there.

I could be in a boring 9-5 gig, looking at my watch to see how much time has passed. Willing it to go fast. Now I do the opposite. I look at my watch and wish time would slow down to give me enough to do all I need and want to do. It truly is a different and blessed situation. These days more than ever I appreciate being able to post my blessings on my Conscious Gratitude list on Yahoo. Every time I post one of my blessings, it reinforces how blessed I am to be so busy.

When you love what you do, all the work to do it is part of the blessing.

Next time you feel overwhelmed, remind yourself that blessings bring work. If you don’t feel blessed, either look for a way to do something else or look harder for the blessing. While I don’t like the situation, I feel blessed to be able to support my family member through a fight against cancer. Knowing I help is a blessing! I often spend evenings and weekends continuing to write my books and articles. Often that doesn’t even feel like work since I love writing. It’s the admin stuff and answering emails that gets tedious. but it’s okay since

Blessings bring work and I’m a very blessed chick!

Find your own blessings in what you do. You may be blessed to make Mom’s like easier by helping to clean out her garage. Or blessed to go with someone to the doctor. Or to make someone happy to get a reply to their email. When you find the blessings in things that take up your time, it feels much better!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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This is post 43 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

When I was a DoorMat, I was taught it was better to be modest than to tell people your accomplishments and other sources of what should be pride. Being liked was most important to me. I learned early that jealousy made some people like you less if you shared your victories. Feeling proud of accomplishments out loud seemed out of the question if I wanted to fit in.

People feel better about themselves when they’re with someone who seems to have less self worth than they do.

My poor self-image was reinforced by ignoring the good things I did. I was so busy playing myself down to be liked that low self-esteem remained my M. O., no matter how well I did at times. Back then I had no idea that I was telling the Law of Attraction that I wasn’t worth much.

Author unknown said, “Nothing you know is worth anything if you don’t know how to be proud of yourself.

I was scared to be proud, thinking it would push people away. Now I know that we’re all entitled to take pleasure from what we do well and to share it. Minimizing things you should be proud of is kind of the opposite of gratitude. When you express what you’re grateful for, it attracts more things to be grateful for.

When you minimize what you should be grateful for, you also deny your blessings, which will attract fewer in the future.

“Nothing you know is worth anything if you don’t know how to be proud of yourself.” When you live for others, you don’t attract much joy for you. When you learn to own the good about you with pride, it can be like a magnet for more things to be proud of. You may not realize how much it affects in your life but the repercussions, positive or negative, can go a long way.

Growing up, I had an aunt who lived to brag about her kids. They could do no wrong. Her pride in them was over the top. She shared every last little accomplishment they had. Meanwhile my mom was also a people pleaser and didn’t share too much about my sister or I. When I asked why, she explained that she was very proud of us but preferred to leave the bragging to my aunt.

My aunt went to one extreme and my mom to the other. A middle ground is healthier!

Mom never expressing her pride in us to others reinforced my discomfort in expressing my own pride. And it hurt my self-esteem even more since I interpreted her lack of verbal pride as feeling less proud of me than my aunt felt about my cousins. It actually made me angry at times. We’d be sitting around a big family table, my aunt going down the list of all her kids accomplishments while my mom just smiled.

Parents don’t realize how not acting proud of their kids can lower their self-esteem.

Now I feel total pride in how I’ve turned my life around and all that came with that change. It feels fabulous! And, it attracts more things to be proud of! When I first told someone about something I was proud of, I did it apologetically. She asked why I did that and I said I wanted to be modest. She reassured that she was happy to know how well I was doing. That’s the kind of person to share with! People who don’t like it can stay out of my business!

There’s a fine line between being proud and bragging.

Bragging is sharing info about you to impress people, broadcasting your accomplishments to anyone who’ll listen, in a “look how great I am” manner. It’s often shared with people who don’t need to know your business. Name dropping is another form of bragging. Many people are turned off by it. Insecure people often brag to compensate for what they see as their shortcomings or something about themselves they don’t like.

Bragging is not just sharing; it’s showing off.

Pride is feeling satisfaction in what you do and sharing it when appropriate. You can feel pride without telling everyone, or even anyone. Sometimes I just look in the mirror and say, “Damn, I’m proud of you!” Then I might tell one or two people about it when we speak. Sometimes when something big happens, I’ll call or email many of my peeps. But it’s because I feel proud of something and it makes me happy, not to show off.

Pride is feeling good about something you did and wanting to share the good feelings you have about it.

When I first left DoorMatville and felt insecure, I relied on my accomplishments to give me confidence. I looked for ways to tell anyone I was with what I’d done and who I knew. I didn’t trust myself enough to expect people to think well of just me, glitches and all. I put people off with my incessant retelling of something I did or an accolade I received. As my self-esteem grew, I realized I didn’t want to do that anymore. I think I had to do it for a time to catch up for all the years of striving to be modest and never sharing anything. It was a relief to catch up and stop. ?

Modesty does NOT mean repressing pride in what you do! If people like you less for feeling proud of what you do and who you are, too bad for them! They’re probably jealous.

There are many unsatisfied people out there who hate hearing good things from others. Certain people liked me more, or at least were more comfortable with me when I was insecure. They could be the “big” ones, reassuring me and giving solace. It made them feel needed and probably better than me, which is an ego boost. But I no longer worry about pleasing those types who prefer me wimpy instead of proud. Even now, some people ask me what I do and react badly to my answer. When I give them even the short version, I can see them looking in disdain. I’ve even heard, “wow, you’re sure full of yourself!”

No I’m not! I’m proud of my accomplishments and am just telling the truth to the question asked. That’s not bragging.

It’s funny because I often dumb what I do down, since I have no need to brag. Often I’ll just say I’m a writer if it’s someone who doesn’t need to know more. My accomplishments are more for sharing pride with people I like and I’m more selective about who I give details to. But am I bragging when I say I’m a bestselling author? No! I’m just answering the question and feel proud of how far I’ve come! If people don’t like it they can take their jealous selves away from me!

Pride is another way of feeling grateful. Gratitude attracts more to be grateful for.

So own your accomplishments with pride. Don’t let people make you feel bad for feeling good about who you are or what you’ve done. I feel sorry for anyone who can’t handle hearing about someone else’s blessings. They obviously don’t have enough of their own. and their sneering just attracts even less.

What are you proud of? Go to the mirror and tell yourself how proud you
are! Then tell me in the comment section below. Let us all know what you’ve done to be proud! It’s welcome here! ?

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