Do you judge yourself by how you compare to others? Many of us do. That’s a set-up for low self-esteem. There will always be someone thinner, or richer, or more musculare or taller, or who attracts more dates, or who seems to have it better than you. I consider myself beyond compare! After all, how can you compare a unique individual, which we all are? Obsessing over comparisons to others can deflate you.
Comparisons bring out negative qualities and emotions.
Vanity comes into play when comparisons are about your body, clothing, hair, and other appearance related qualities. It pushes you to look better in a private competition with everyone you perceive to have a better visual quality. That’s why we’ve become a society of botox and sucking fat out and sculpting bodies to look like someone else. It’s become more about whose breasts, or chin, or butt or hair do you want? That mentality keeps plastic surgeons in fancy homes since often, the new look doesn’t bring happiness and leads to more comparisons.
Bitterness develops when you see people who have things that you can’t, or think you can’t have. Maybe you can’t afford the Botox or surgery. Or you have traits that can’t be altered. A short guy can’t pay to be taller. A large boned woman can’t become petite. This kind of bitterness creates another trait that can hurt you.
Jealousy. Emotions created when comparisons make you feel inferior are like cancer in your soul. Jealousy makes you angry that you don’t have what others do. It creates dislike for people with qualities you wish you had. And it can lead to feeling another cancerous emotion if you’re not careful.
Hatred. I hear women using hate when they give compliments. “I hate you for having such gorgeous hair. Ha ha.” Except it’s not really a joke. What they often mean is, “I hate myself for not having the kind of hair you do.” Comparisons can nurture self-loathing. Many of us hate ourselves for not being able to do or be or have what we see in others.
When I was a DoorMat I was only as good as how I compared to others. Vanity was out of my reach since I had a low self-image. So I felt bitter about my perception of not looking as good as others. Smaller women made me feel HUGE. How I felt about me was dependent on who I was with, which is a ridiculous waste of energy. Now I can laugh at how silly it was. But when I consistently sold me short in comparison to almost everyone, I was in pain most of the time.
Self-appreciation is the antidote to unhealthy comparisons.
Working on my inner self-appreciation helped me recognize how special I am—without my evaluation being dependent on others. It’s about me, and how I feel about me, not how looking at someone else makes me feel about me. That’s not real, just self-loathing! We’re all unique. Everyone has pluses and minuses.
There will always someone who seems more attractive or physically fit or smarter or more successful if you look.
But they have nothing to do with you, unless you choose to judge yourself by them. Having worked with people for years, I can assure that that few people couldn’t find qualities in themselves that they feel insecure about. I’ve heard Nicole Kidman rattle off reasons about how she’s not as good as many other women. Hello!!
Who you are in your own right has nothing to do with what others do or don’t have.
It’s YOUR choice to let comparisons make you feel less than or better than someone. We’re often our own worst critics. People who you perceive as having more or better than you don’t make you feel less attractive or successful. YOU make yourself feel that way. Comparisons are dangerous self-esteem busters. Don’t make someone’s accomplishments or attributes a reflection of your failure or limit you.
I’ve been there an know that pain. There will always be someone with something you see as better, just as other people will envy you for something. Dub thyself incomparable—because you are!
After my post, Would You Like You as a Friend? my friend Cheryl Harvey Hill shared this with me. I found it so beautiful I asked if I could share it with my readers. Cheryl is a very special person who I’ve mentioned before and will have her interview here one day. Her mom taught her some lessons full of wisdom and she has lived them fully!
For my entire life, my mother has been tossing clichés my way and even when you think you aren’t paying attention, those things tend to find a place in your brain and stay there. Like every mother, when she wanted my undivided attention, she would address me by my first and middle name: “Cheryl Ann, ‘birds of a feather’ really DO ‘flock together,’ she would sternly emphasize, “and you WILL be judged by the company you keep.”
But one of the most profound things she ever taught me was that if I ever wanted to know what kind of person I was, I only needed to look around me at the people who call me friend.
Yesterday was not a good day for me, starting at what we call in the Army, “o dark thirty,” (which translates in civilian jargon as “too damn early”). I spent half my day at the hospital clinic. Nothing serious, just “routine/annual lab work” but I was hating life and feeling pretty betrayed by the powers that be; feeling sorry for myself that this invasive body jabbing, needle poking, tethered to oxygen 24/7 was now, absurdly, considered “routine.” I went to bed last night feeling exhausted, depleted and PLUCKED! If I was one of those “birds of a feather,” I felt like the flock flew south and left me in the cold.
Then this morning I turned on my computer and as I read through the e-mails that were waiting there, I had an epiphany of sorts. I have the most amazing, incredible, talented, beautiful, fascinating [insert at least 500 other positive adjectives here] friends; some of them have been in my life for more than fifty years. They are, without exception, kind souls with high morals. If my friends are, as my mother so eloquently stated all those years ago, “a reflection of who I am,” I am so empowered by that thought. I am feeling pretty impressed with myself right now and judging by the folks who call me “friend,” I have every right to be.
I may have molted a bit in the last decade, my days of strutting like a peacock are passed, and I may not be able to shake the ole tail feathers the way I once could but, thanks to the inspiration of my friends, I still catch an occasional up draft and soar like an eagle with the best of them.
So this blog post is dedicated to all the beautiful souls who refer to me as their friend. I am humbled, proud and grateful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Note from Daylle: Start looking at your own friends. Are they a reflection of who you WANT to be. If so, rejoice and count each blessing. If not, work on being the kind of friend you want in your life.
This is post 45 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.
Do people ask for your help with something you normally get paid to do? As a writer, I’m often hit on for writing favors. They fall into 2 main categories: 1) Help the person understand how to write a book or read their manuscript or something similar. 2) Write for free in exchange for exposure for my books. I also hear from musicians with questions or pleas for help. Oh yeah, and there’s all the people who want me to speak for free, often colleges pleading no budget.
My usual response is quoting my fee for these services. That usually stops them in their tracks.
I do it nicely. Sometimes I explain that this is my profession, not a hobby on the side. I have no day job. Writing books and articles, speaking, self-empowerment counseling and music business consulting is how I earn my living. It’s a lot of different things that comprise my “day job.” It really isn’t a day job b/c I work day and night to accomplish it all. And weekends it’s not unusual to find me out with my laptop, happily writing a book. Yet people don’t value what I do and consistently want my “help” or advice” for free or well below my rate.
If you give away your talents or sell them very short, you tell the Law of Attraction that you’re not worth being paid and continue to attract unpaid work.
I used to speak for free or for a small honorarium and continued to only get those requests. People need content more than ever with all the online sites and don’t want to pay. I wrote some for free to promote my books. Then it hit me. I was attracting requests to give my talent away for nothing or little! I believed I needed what ever little money or promotion I was offered and begrudgingly accepted it. That told the Universe it was acceptable to me. So the free/low pay requests kept coming.
How could I get paid if I didn’t send the message that I SHOULD be paid for my talent???
I vowed to stop, and did. I turned down low paid speaking offers when my cash was very low and said out loud, “close one door and another 2 open!” Not long after a better opportunity came to me! It was hard. Fear can make you think you should take what you can get when rent is due. But my faith is so strong I don’t go there anymore, and trust I’ll always have what I need. It always comes.
What is your value? How much are your skills or talents worth?
Figure it out. If you design websites for a living, is it fair for your friend to expect one for free? Some folks have a distorted sense of entitlement. They might expect help to enter your field. People call or email me for guidance and think I’m obligated to answer. I don’t anymore! If it’s a quick answer, I’ll give it. If it’s a teeny offer for my speaking, I explain my bottom line and suggest they call when they have a bigger budget. I also keep articles from my blog or e-zine that I rewrite and have them available to be reprinted. But I won’t write an original article if I don’t get paid my rate.
Until you put a specific value on your skills or talents, the Law of Attraction won’t send opportunities to get paid for them.
Stop settling! Set boundaries on what you give for free. Does a friend expect you to design a free logo, though it’s your livelihood? A neighbor want you to fix their car to avoid a paid mechanic? A co-worker want you to teach them computer skills after work on YOUR time, skills you paid to learn and earn more to do them? Set them straight—nicely. They’ll keep taking from you otherwise! You don’t owe other people your talents! Tell the Universe you value and respect what you do and won’t settle for less than you’re worth to share what you do. How can you respond?
* “My plate is too full to help.”
* “Please ask in the future instead of assuming you can _____.”
* “My fee for doing that starts at $_____.”
It may feel awkward or uncomfortable at first but practice makes it easier. When someone says, “I can only pay you this for speaking” I reply ”I get paid that.” I don’t argue or defend my position. I own it! Successful people expect to get paid. And they do! I’d still be I in close quarters with 3 roommates had I not realized the message I sent to the Universe by settling for little or nothing for what I do. Now the Law of Attraction send me great deals and opportunities. I send no doubt about who I am and how good I am at what I do.
Think before you agree. If you turn down opportunities you know are demeaning your worth, you send a strong message about your worth. Then the Law of Attraction will send better offers!
See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..
Have you felt envy toward someone? Come on, admit it! We all sometimes yearn to have what someone else does. Did you wonder why he has so much luck? Or wish she’d fall on her face since it isn’t fair for someone else to get so much when you have none of it?? That’s a normal reaction. But those thoughts make you a prisoner. Each is a bar that holds you back from getting what you say you want.
Franklin D. Roosevelt said, “Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.”
Your thoughts manifest your reality. If it’s possible to get something and you think you can, you can. And if you think you can’t, you probably won’t! Are you thinking you’ve heard this many times before and know it? Then ask yourself, “Why haven’t I manifested what I want?” If you spend your thoughts on:
* All the reasons you can’t—then you wont be able to.
* Wishing you had what others do—prepare to live in a state of wishing.
* Making excuses or blaming situations for what you don’t have—enjoy being a victim of your thoughts!
* Guilt about things you can control or that take care of you—have fun ruining any pleasure with regrets for things that probably are unfair to you.
I did all of the above in my DoorMat days. I was an unhappy victim of beliefs that kept me stuck in not getting what I wanted. The Law of Attraction worked with me in ways I didn’t understand, or like. I believed that nothing would go right for me and nothing did. My thoughts were dismal:
* I can never find the right people to help me.
* Why, oh why, don’t I have the guy or the job or the anything else someone had.
* Thinner girls got more than me.
* Woe is me, I’ll never be happy.
Yada, yada yada! Thoughts can keep you stuck or you can force yourself to change them and use them to unlock doors. Unless you like being a victim of course! Many people do. Being a victim gives you more time to vege at the TV or online and gain weight and other negative results. All of that can later be used to fulfill the expectations that victimhood creates in your thoughts. Those thoughts are the real evil doers. Now that I understand the power of how my thoughts can hurt or help me, I quickly say a positive affirmation when a negative comes to mind.
* “I can do anything I choose to do.”
* “I’m as happy as I make myself.”
* “I refuse to let evil doer thoughts hold me back!”
Most people can’t have 2 thoughts at the same time. So block out the evil-doers with something better until you break the habit of thinking victim thoughts. You can conquer those thoughts by consciously choosing to. It’s fun to watch how much you can get when you do. Now I control my mind, instead of letting it keep me in prison.
I haven’t posted to this blog all week because I’m so overwhelmed with writing. I feel bad since I try my best to maintain it. But guilt?? No way! I can only do my best. I have a tight deadline for a book and that must be my first priority till it’s done. The DoorMat would have punished herself with guilt. Now I celebrate the liberation from those kind of thoughts!
Freedom in thinking allows you the opportunity to follow your passions! Then you have to do the work to manifest them. This former DoorMat is living that life now and it rocks. Join me!