Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Law of Attraction in Action: Forgiving YOURSELF

This is post 42 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

Last week in this Law of Attraction in Action series I discussed forgiving others. Something that I consider even more important is learning to forgive yourself. We often don’t consider ourselves in the same category as forgiving others. If I’ve learned any special lessons from being a recovering DoorMat it’s that I’m THE most important person in MY life just as YOU should be the most important person in YOUR life. Therefore, you must cut yourself at least the same amount of slack that you give to others, if not more!

Every time you beat yourself up for making a mistake or being imperfect, the Law of Attraction can read that as being unkind to you. And unloving.

Guess what that attracts?

Do you talk nicely to yourself, like “Way to go!” or “I look great today.” Or is your inner dialogue more commonly, “I’m an idiot for that.” or “My stomach is flabby.” You know it’s wrong to hurt someone you care about. Apply that to self! Treat you as you would friends – use kind words and accept imperfections. If a friend goofs, would you bash her? If your buddy lost his girlfriend, would you encourage self-criticism? I doubt it.

We reassure those we care about. Self-love means cutting yourself slack too! Don’t tell the Universe that you’re not worthy of the love behind self-forgiveness!

We often don’t realize what we do to ourselves. When I was a DoorMat and my friend trashed herself, I challenged how she could call herself a big idiot when she was such a bright person and normally did things well. She pointed out that I did the same thing. I insisted it was different! She laughed and said that’s how she felt about herself. It got me thinking. When I put myself down, I feel worse. Now I understand that I attracted those feelings and reasons to feel them by being unforgiving to me. I’ve made a conscious effort to tell myself it’s okay to make mistakes.

If you goof up, affirm, “I forgive me for being human”

Do you talk to friends like you talk to yourself?
• “I’m a dummy for saying that.”
• “How stupid can I get!”

Next time you goof, think about what you’d say if a good friend did the same thing. Would you chastise or reassure? Come on, you know if a friend breaks something, messes up his car, or says the wrong thing, you’d try to make them feel better, not name call. Yet we use harsh words on ourselves. When a friend’s luck turns sour, you remind them that some things aren’t in their control and not everything is their fault. If others speak ill of this person you defend them.

Now think of yourself as this person, your own best friend. And when you don’t live up to your own expectations, forgive yourself and move on.

I used awful words when I made “bonehead” moves, as I called them. ? Then it hit me. I was trying to love myself yet I didn’t speak lovingly. That led to one of my best new habits. “Silly me!” The word silly is kinder. I’ve made a habit of replacing bad words with silly. I’m no longer retarded or a dummy. I’m silly when I klutz out and silly when I break something. It took time to break habits of insulting myself when I goofed (another kinder word) and get into the habit of using the word silly, but it had a profound affect.

I’d say a derogatory word but immediately replace it with silly. “That was stupid, no silly.” I still smile when I use it. It’s instant self-forgiveness!

No matter what I do wrong, I call myself silly and smile. This habit is VERY loving! It releases me from the anguish of berating myself and forgives me all at once. The more you love yourself, the less self-insults you’ll tolerate. The more you forgive your glitches, the more you’ll attract love. Pay attention to your reaction when you goof. Adopt a habit of instant forgiveness with kinder responses to what you did. Calling yourself an idiot for saying the wrong thing to your boss, being a klutz for spilling ketchup, a fool to believe someone you trusted, stupid for forgetting something, lowers self-confidence, diminishes self-love, and plain old isn’t nice.

Do it only if you want to attract more self-esteem busters.

Mistakes can be seen as personal boners—or lessons. Self-recrimination wastes energy. Forgiving and moving is loving. When you goof, do what you can to rectify mistakes and move on. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes, even very smart people. Reassure yourself—say it’s okay! Every time I call myself silly or say, “oops, it’s okay,” instead of calling myself a name or getting angry, I smile and know I’m forgiven. I was my own worst self-esteem enemy when I was a DoorMat, beating myself up and reliving mistakes and my shortcomings. Now I truly am my best friend, cheering myself on while forgiving my errors.

When you can forgive yourself, it’s easier to forgive others. Love yourself enough to give YOU that kindness of forgiving. Without my own jabs, my self-esteem has never been stronger! And the Law of Attraction returns it all to me multiplied!

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..

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Miserably Skinny

I recently saw Gina, who I haven’t seen in years. Known her since my DoorMat days. She’s stick thin, barely eats, and always watching her weight. We bumped into each other at a networking function and agreed to do lunch. At first I hesitated, remembering going shopping with her years ago.

Back then, I felt vulnerable, as usual. We went to a store and I saw a sweater I liked. As I looked for it in my size, she grabbed my arm and nudged me to look at a different sweater. It was oversized and bulky. She suggested I buy that one since it was big and would cover my body more. No need to have my fat show more than necessary! I was hurt and angry. While I didn’t buy her suggestion, it ruined my day. But I kept quiet, not knowing how to reply to such a mean statement.

As a DoorMat, I always felt fat, since I wasn’t as thin as women I saw in the media. Yet I really had a nice body if I didn’t compare it to anorexics and air brushed chicks.

Gina isn’t a bad person. I honestly thought she was trying to help me. She must be very insecure to say that kind of thing to me. I know she stresses over her body. Plus she must always be hungry! ? So I didn’t want to be mean back. As a compulsive people pleaser in those days, I didn’t want to alienate her. But it bothered me a lot that someone would speak to me like that. While I couldn’t stand up to her, I did avoid making future plans.

When she questioned why I didn’t do things with her anymore, I explained I didn’t want to be in a situation to get any more of her “advice,” no matter how much she thought she meant well.

Gina was surprised and defensive. Of course I reassured her that she was a good person. We eventually lost touch. Seeing her again brought back the old memories. She’s still stick thin and neurotic about what she eats. But this time around, I was no DoorMat! I had no intention of buying into her nastiness, however she deluded herself that her intentions were good.

So this time Gina had lunch with a very empowered woman, who knows she’s not fat.

I wasn’t fat when I was a DoorMat but felt fat, since I wasn’t thin. Next to Gina, I felt like a horse! But that didn’t make me fat! Now I know better. My curvy, in proportion body is just as good as Gina’s very thin one. Better on many levels since I prefer curves to skin and bones! ? As far as I’m concerned, I’m a lot prettier than she is. And, I have a much better personality. Gina is surly, unhappy, and hungry! ?

Just because someone is in better shape than you, or thinner, doesn’t take away from the beauty of you. I went to lunch prepared.

I tend to be a healthy eater but indulge in fattening, unhealthy foods occasionally. Maybe I subconsciously wanted to goad Gina since I craved a burger and fries for lunch. When I ordered it, Gina’s mouth dropped. She couldn’t hide how horrified she was, as she ordered a small salad with a can of tuna packed in water and no dressing. I ignored her. But she couldn’t resist a jab, “Should you be eating that?”

“No, I’m an idiot,” I said, and then added that I didn’t need her to tell me how to eat.

Gina bristled but shut up. When the food came, she turned up her nose in disgust and began to lecture about how fattening my food was, to which I just said, “shut up!” As she flinched, I added that it was none of her business what I ate. If she wants to deprive herself of all yummy things to be a skinny, unhappy b*tch, that was her choice. My choice is to be comfortable with my body and enjoy my life, and food.

I added that one more word about it would make me move to another table without her or take my food in a doggy bag to the park.

I think her mouth stayed open for five minutes as she absorbed my words. No prob. she barely eats anyway, poor thing. Then she told me I’d changed a lot since we’d last communicated. I’d never spoken like this before. I wasn’t nice. She didn’t mean any harm but I was getting so tough.

I cut her off with a big smile. I wasn’t tough or mean. She was. I just wasn’t going to let someone like her ruin my lunch. That was all. I asked Gina what gave her the right to play food police with me. Just because she chose to be miserably skinny, I didn’t have to buy her views. What I ate was none of her business. It was my choice if I got fat from overeating. But I’m not fat! I’m just not as thin as she is. Too high a price to pay! Plus, I’m happy and she obviously isn’t.

Gina asked, “Who are you??”

I replied that I’m an empowered chick who’s comfortable in my own less than perfect skin and happy with myself. Far from DoorMatville and planning to stay there! That was probably my last get together with Gina. It’s so much better to focus on only letting people with good energy into your world! Let her pick on another DoorMat who doesn’t speak up. This former one has no tolerance any more and is happier for it! I won’t be seeing her anymore.

Don’t give people permission to put you down by being silent. Speak up and if it continues, don’t see the person often, or at all. Forgive them as I discussed in my last post, but don’t tolerate it! Gina obviously has no self-love. I feel sorry for her but don’t want her in my positive world! Love yourself enough to protect yourself! Don;t let people take their own issues out on you!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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Law of Attraction in Action: Forgiving Others

This is post 41 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

I often mention forgiveness as a good thing to do. I was thinking about how forgiving people sets the Law of Attraction onto a good course. Many people say in anger, “I’ll never forgive [person]!” But what does that tell the Universe? That you’re angry, which keeps the anger alive. It also keeps the person you won’t forgive on your mind.

It’s hard to forgive someone who hurt you. When you’re wounded on the inside, the mental pain can make you angry. Forgiving the person may seem like a gift for them. But you don’t forgive to make the one who did you wrong feel better.

You forgive for YOU. Forgiving is a loving gift for you.

When I was a DoorMat, I believed that if I let people get away with being wrong, I was forgiving them. But I wasn’t. I just couldn’t say anything. I was cutting them slack but it made them feel better, not me. I always felt anger churning, which made me feel lousy about myself. Now that I consciously forgive people, my anger level is way down. I still don’t like some actions but I’ve become wiser and feel more positive now.

Isabelle Holland said, “As long as you don’t forgive, who and whatever it is will occupy rent-free space in your mind.”

Holding onto bad feelings fuels aggravation. Forgiving lightens anger. If you don’t forgive, you give others power to ruin your day (or life). You keep them in your mind and relive whatever they did when you think of them. Thinking about them attracts more aggravation, or more incidents with the person you didn’t forgive.

Unresolved issues creates emotional baggage—the negative feelings you carry around with you. Forgiving unpacks the baggage and puts it away.

Forgiving someone who did something you consider really bad is a powerful and brave act. It’s easy for me to recommend doing it but it’s very hard to do when emotions make you want to hurt the person back, not forgive. It means stepping beyond what they did to understand this person is probably unhappy, wounded or has problems from past experiences that makes him or her do things that aren’t nice. I learned from the Dalai Lama that when people hurt you, they’re really hurting themselves. People do negative things when they’re unhappy or hurting so you should have compassion fort them, not anger.

Now I can often replace my anger with compassion. Doing this has GREATLY reduced how often I get angry, and made it easier to forgive.

Do you associate forgiving with forgetting? Not! Nor does forgiving condone or accept the action or behavior you forgive. You forgive the person’s distorted view of right and wrong or the pain that drove them to hurt you. You’re forgiving the PERSON for their shortcomings, the issue behind what they did to you, not the negative action or behavior itself. Compassion for why they do negative things makes it a little easier.

Separate the person from the action. “I forgive you but what you did was wrong.” Forgive, take responsibility, and respond differently in the future, or stay away from the person if you can.

People who feel good about themselves and who are happy don’t consciously hurt people. It’s the people with issues who do. There are many levels of forgiveness, depending on what the person did:

* If something unacceptable happens once, forgive the person and let it go if he or she acknowledges what was done and apologizes.
* If the behavior is repeated, warn the person that it’s unacceptable, which means that things will be different in the future.
*If unacceptable behavior is ongoing, forgive but remember enough to cut your ties or set stronger boundaries.
* If the behavior intolerable cut the person out of your life and forgive from a distance.

You can forgive in your heart and never speak again to someone who hurts you. The person doesn’t have to know you forgave. Sometimes there’s a lot to forgive and it can take time to really feel forgiving when you do it in your heart. In the past, anger churned in me for months after. But once I forgive in my heart, I let it go.

How do you forgive someone in your heart? I like to write a letter to the person telling them exactly how I feel about what they did. All the pain and anger. I write and write until I can’t think of another thing to say. Then I read it out loud as if the person were there. I express all my emotions, cry, sometimes yell. Then I say they must be hurting to do this and I forgive them for their hurtful actions. Then I burn the letter. As it goes up in smoke, so does my anger. Without the anger I can let it go.

When you forgive someone in your heart, light a candle and feel its warmth. Give thanks for the blessing of being able to forgive. It truly is a blessing.

Being able to forgive has added to my happiness immeasurably. Even if people aren’t fair, forgive them – for you, not them! It’s a relief to reduce the weight of anger. Remember it’s for you, and for the Universe to send the right message to the Law of Attraction. What does it attract—PEACE.

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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Daylle’s News

I don’t normally do this but I wanted to let you know about a few things I have going on that I’m excited about.

For those of you in the NYC area, I’m doing a talk called Nice People CAN Finish First on Tuesday, June 9th, 7PM at the Orchard House Café on the Southeast Corner of 58th Street & First Avenue. It’s free and for both women and men.
————

I just started a Nice Girls on Top group on Facebook. I plan to start a Nice Guys on Top group too. Any of you guys interested? Let me know and I’ll let you know when it’s up. We’re gonna discuss what nice means and how to be a powerful version.

You can now follow me on Twitter.

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