Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

You may have noticed my lack of posts this week. I was out of town on several days, some of it unexpected but necessary. As I began to load my laptop into my backpack to get some writing in on the train ride on Tuesday, I felt stressed. The thought of lugging a computer around with me all day as I ran around to several meetings seemed awful compared to maybe an hour of writing that I could get done in transit. So I chose to leave it home.

Then I made a bigger choice—to give myself a break from writing my next blog post until I had time. I have a project on my plate taking up a lot more time than I imagined it would but it must get done. As emails piled up I thought I wouldn’t find time to sleep. So I cut myself slack and allowed myself to wait for the weekend to resume my posts and answer any unessential emails. I apologize to those of you who wondered what happened to me.

Sometimes you need to give yourself a break—from pressure, from rushing, from living up to what others want from you, etc.

In my DoorMat days I’d have just sacrificed my own needs to accommodate others. I’d have worn myself out schlepping my laptop around with me to take advantage of any small window of time. Now I prefer to take care of me. It’s very important to honor me and my needs, just as you should honor yours. I do my best to honor my professional deadlines but also know my limits.

I recently learned that as many as 90% of visits to doctors are for stress-related symptoms. 90%!

That means we mainly make ourselves ill. That’s a very lousy thought! But on the flip side, it means we have the power to avoid many health problems. Taking downtime is crucial for good health. You may not be able to let go of everything but t least postpone something, to take the pressure or stress off of your life.

Sometimes you even have to let someone down by canceling plans if it means your improved mental health! I do that if I must for my health.

Yesterday I turned the next round of my project in. I’ve already been given more that needs to be done. But, I decided I’m entitled to take the weekend off. So I’m not thinking about it right now and will do some of the other things I’ve put off. And, for my efforts on the project, I got word today that I’m getting a bonus! It was my priority and I finished it.

Downtime is essential for everyone! You must allow“me” time, specifically to do things for you.

That doesn’t just mean just catching up on chores. You have to relax—have some fun—spend time with people you care about—JUST BE! I love to just be. No agenda or commitments. I can go for a run, or not. Chill with a book in bed. Vege and watch movies. Or write my blog. I actually just got back from a fabulous massage, which I really needed. Now it’s raining and I’m staying in. I love to go to the Halloween parade here in NYC but not tonight. Rest is more important.

Today was mine and so it tonight and tomorrow. You must sometimes take your days too!

Pay attention to your stress level. What can you let go of, or at least postpone? Your health and sanity are worth it! I was always on edge when I lived in DoorMatville, juggling everyone else’s balls while I had none of my own to attend to my needs. Now I greatly appreciate loving myself enough to make ME a priority. It’s a loving place to be and keeps me from going to the doctor with stress related symptoms. Reduce your own stress if you feel it affecting your mood and your body. You’re worth it!

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I recently went to a school reunion and it showed me how far I’ve come. Everyone remembered me for the shy, quiet girl I was. There were people who I’d known all the way through college and beyond that I eventually lost touch with. It was a weird experience for me. I spent some time with people who were good friends when I was young and most hadn’t changed much.

You can get stuck in old habits and never grow as a person. These people has just gotten older.

From junior high school through college I had a friend name Shari. Toward the end of our school years she became fixated on status. She didn’t date Bob. She dated a dentist. Her whole identity was wrapped around WHAT she was and WHAT she dated and then married. I had a hard time with it, even when I had low self-esteem. We eventually lost touch. When I bumped into her a few years later, I asked how she was. “I’m a doctor’s wife!” she exclaimed. I asked if he had a name and if she had any sense of self left. She gave me a dazed look and I knew why we weren’t friends anymore.

Insecurity leads us to see ourselves by our relation to other people or what we do or what we think others want us to be.

I got married at 20. I didn’t think I should but we’d been together for 3 years and our parents pushed us to commit so marriage become my life track. I became a teacher because I was told that’s a good profession for a woman, though it was the last thing I wanted to do. My parents were proud of me for following what they saw as the norm for women.

DoorMats can’t say “no” or think for themselves and we can lose ourselves by being what others want!

I lost myself. I was someone else’s wife, daughter and teacher but had no idea who Daylle was. It was a sad time for me, beyond just being a DoorMat. The lifestyle I’d created had me living for everyone else. My whole identity revolved around what I did, not who I was. Being a Doormat, my need to please kept me stuck in that mode for years. As more time passed, I became more scared to find out who I was or to create an identity based on just me.

When your sense of self is dependent on who you are to others, you have no sense of self at all!

It felt like it was too late to try. I was resigned to be stuck in that mode. But after a series of events that made me feel less worthless and undeserving of a real life, I slowly dipped my toe into the water of exploration. The more I appreciated myself, the more I looked to find me. Unlike Shari, who’d looked for WHAT she could glom onto, I wasn’t seeking someone or a role. I just did what I was told. Finding me turned into a delightful adventure.

Coco Chanel said, “How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone.

Do you call yourself a business person or a great person? A writer or a happy being? A [whatever you do for a living] or a good soul? A wife or a smart chick? A CEO or passionate guy? Of course I’m a writer too, but it’s not my identity, just a piece. My primary WHO is a spiritual woman who is passion driven in many areas, and a happy, talented chick.

Being a WHAT comes with pressure to fulfill a role. Being YOU means the sky is the limit for being happy and fulfilled. Coco Chanel walked to the beat of her own drum. By doing so, she created an empire inspired by her passion. Now that I know who Daylle is, I’m delighted with the knowledge. It gives me the power to create my own world, instead of living in the shadow of someone else’s.

When I saw Shari at the reunion, she was unhappy and bitter about her life. She’d spent all her energy getting a doctor to marry her and then years trying to make the marriage work. When she finally had what she thought she wanted, she faced the realization that her husband was a controlling, cold man. A doctor, yes. A good, loving husband, no. Far from it! At that point she was unprepared for what to do. Her whole goal in life—to be a doctor’s wife—crumbled into unhappiness.

When you lose yourself in being some else’s someone, you can lose touch with how to be happy.

Pay attention to WHO you are. Is it who you want to be or are you living for someone else. Are you doing what you do to please your mom or spouse, to impress friends or another superficial reason? Too much happiness is lost in trying too hard to be something, instead of someone you like and feel good being. When I left DoorMatville, I also shed the layers of my old identities and became a person in my own right. The happiness I feel is indescribable. If you can’t define WHO you are without a WHAT or someone else, work on it!

Being yourself is a great gift for YOU!

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This is post 58 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

It’s important to put out what you want to the Universe, and be clear about it. I’ve emphasized that in previous posts. But it’s also important to flexible about what you receive. If you’re focused on one very specific objective, you can miss out on some wonderful opportunities or situations that you couldn’t have imagined by thinking just one-way.

Being locked into something rigid leaves no room for the Universe to send you what’s for your highest good.

For example, if you decide that you want to work for a specific kind of company or only work in one area or for only a certain amount of money, the career opportunity of a lifetime may miss the Law of Attraction’s radar screen based on what message you send out. While it’s important to know what you want, it’s just as important to leave wiggle room for options you may not see when you try to manifest.

Leaving yourself open to what’s best for your highest good leads you to the best manifestations.

I lived in the suburbs before moving into Manhattan. When I decided to get an apartment here, I was sure I wanted to live on the upper Westside. It’s a cool neighborhood and I love going up there. I had over 2 months to find a place and went from one to another but nothing worked out. Apartments I wanted fell through. Mostly I found something wrong with every one I looked at. But I was fixated on a specific part of the upper Westside.

A guy at a service I was registered at suggested I open myself up to other areas. I refused and continued looking in my chosen neighborhood, wondering why no apartment felt right. But I kept trying. It got discouraging. And frustrating as the day I HAD TO move got closer. Then I realized that maybe I wasn’t meant to live where I was determined to and asked to be guided to the place that would be perfect for me. I got a call from a guy about an apartment in a neighborhood I’d never spent any time in and knew little about.

To show I was open to the best apartment for me, I went to look at it.

It was perfect! I never thought I could be so happy living in a big city since I’m really a country girl. But my spacious, bright apartment has made me happy I was flexible for many years! I’m in the heart of midtown, right by the subway that goes both to the east side and the west. Everyone is friendly. Had I stuck to my belief that I had to live on the upper Westside, I can’t imagine being as happy.

Flexibility tells the Universe that you trust it to send you what you need, and at the right time.

When you hold fast to exactly how you want something to manifest, it says that you trust your judgment more than God’s. Of course you should be clear about what you want. But it’s also good to add, “or whatever is best for my highest good.” My faith is so strong that I completely trust that the Universe will send the best possible situation and my thoughts allow it to happen.

Being rigid about what you want can attract what really might not be good for you or you may not get something you didn’t know you could have but would love.

Beth complained to me for a long time that she hated her job because of the people she worked with. There was a lot of tension between staff and she wasn’t treated with the respect she deserved. Each week left her more fed up and it began to take its toll on her health. I told her to get another job. She had been in the same place for so long she didn’t know where to go. She looked to transfer to another department but there were no openings. Then she heard about something a little different, and was told when it was available, she’d be strongly considered for the position.

Beth felt excited for the first time in ages and became set on this potential opportunity. Months passed and it still wasn’t available. She lamented to me when I suggested looking elsewhere that this position seemed perfect for her and it was a miracle she even found out about it. But waiting indefinitely was taking its toll on her so I suggested she consider that maybe God had sent her the potential opportunity to show there were better jobs than she could envision on her own. I pushed her to start searching for them and put it into God’s hands!

“Please help me find the job that will give me the most satisfaction and contentment.”

She listened and ended up turning down the one she’d waited for when it did open up because an even better one manifested. Beth is still in awe that after so many years of being unhappy in her career, she’d found a way to put her skills to good use in a way that made her love going to work. If she hadn’t allowed herself to be flexible about what she attracted, she’d never have known about what she could do to earn a living.

Often you may not get what you thought you wanted and you do get what you didn’t ask for and later discover the wisdom of what the Universe helped you manifest—that you did get the best thing for you!

Set your intentions with an open mind. Be clear about what you want—a job you love, a romantic partner who makes you happy, the perfect place to live, all the abundance you need, etc. But don’t insist on the job being only in one place, the person having blue eyes or other speific features, the living space with a set floor plan, or the exact dollar amount. Let the Universe help you find what’s right for you.

Giving the Universe responsibility for attracting what is for your highest good brings you the best rewards. To this day, I’m still completely grateful for being led to the apartment I’m in now. When you really trust, you attract the fruits of that trust!

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series.

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I’ve always considered myself a spontaneous kind of girl. It sounds good to think I am! But lately I’ve been so immersed in writing books that I try to keep a tight schedule. Last minute invites were automatically turned down as my time was already planned. If my intention was to write, that was what I did. I realized that this spontaneous kind of girl had lost her spontaneity, and I didn’t like that!

Until this week…

It wasn’t planned, that’s for sure, but since last weekend I’ve been making up for lost spontaneous time. It began with a decision to do more to actively nurture myself. I knew I needed some spiritual and energy boosts. I’ve been tired lately trying to do too much in too little time. It’s kept me hibernating as I try to make my deadlines. And write the posts for this blog! I felt like I was losing part of me in the process and had to change that.

Last week I called the church where Louise Hay got her ministry. It’s not too far from my place and I wanted to know if they carried a book in their bookstore. “By chance,” the head minister answered. Everyone else had stepped out for a minute. He answered my question and then we had a nice chat about how much I’d learned about manifesting from the ministers there.

He mentioned the theme of this months Sunday lessons. It sounded interesting and he asked if I was coming.

Maybe, I said, though I was thinking, I hate to go out on Sunday morning, especially when it’s cold. That’s a day I laze around, catch up on emails, watch news shows and mindless ones on MTV, etc. I thought about it Saturday night and considered how nice it would be to go to the service. Nicer if I could go without having to get dressed and go outside to be there! I still considered it when I woke up Sunday. I decided my reasons for not going were lame. A good spiritual shot of inspiration would be good for me. So at the last minute, I went!

Spontaneously pushing yourself out of a lazy habit or automatic negative response can bring very positive rewards.

The service was wonderful and an extra treat was afterwards, we all got to speak individually to a practitioner. I really enjoyed that, after reveling in all the good energy during the service. People shook hands and greeted each other. Warmth abounded. I got motivated and left with a big smile and gratitude that I had made that spontaneous move.

Hmmmm…. Was the spontaneous kind of girl returning?

On Wednesday I went to a meeting for a committee I volunteer for. I had noon and 3:30 appointments so I was anxious to get back to my writing. But after the meeting, Jan Goldstoff, the publicist with the golden rolodex, asked me to have coffee with her. Though we’d been on the committee together for a year, we’d wanted to get to know each other better.

This wasn’t a good time for me but after hesitating, the newly resurrected spontaneous kind of girl agreed, and it was delightful.

Jan called me the next day just before 5PM to invite me to her ch’i kung class at 6. She raved about the teacher and insisted I’d really enjoy it. I was very tired and it was a miserable day. The weathermen used Nor’Easter in their forecast. The class was downtown. I couldn’t stop yawning. So I said maybe. But I didn’t want to leave my warm, dry apartment. Jan encouraged me. I thought about it. Since I’d vowed to do more to nurture my spirit and energy, I agreed to go, and had to hustle to get dressed, catch a train downtown and make it on time.

Sometimes you have to dig deep into self-love to stimulate your spontaneity.

I enjoyed my hour doing ch’i kung with instructor Paul Bloom. He walked us through gentle movements to relax, detoxify the body and increase energy. Ch’i kung is easy to do yet the benefits are many. I felt more relaxed and a bit more energized than the sleepy girl was when I left home. Jan and Paul were amazed that I’d spontaneously got dressed, jumped on the subway and came to the class with little notice. I left feeling revved that I’d done this to nurture me.

To enjoy life to the fullest, it’s important to be open to spontaneous activities. Otherwise, you can miss out on some of life’s wonderful blessings.

Today I came full circle. My actual first spontaneous move was when I saw a report on the news 2 weeks ago about Spa week in NY. This week many spas have a special price for select treatments. They showed someone getting a Thai massage at Erika Bloom Pilates Plus. I’ve always wanted one and without missing a beat, I called and made an appointment for today, with Brynne Billingsley, who I saw on TV.


Brynne gave me one of the best massages I’ve ever had. I didn’t know exactly what Thai massage was and thought it was just a series of stretching but oh, it’s so much more. Brynne spent a lot of time working my energy lines on my legs, and worked my body from toes to head. Energy points, sore muscles, everything got attention. She’s small but very strong. I like a hard massage and that’s what I got. I could have asked her to go easy but know that the pressure that creates the pain will work its magic in my body after.

I thought about John Cougar Mellencamp’s “Hurts So Good!”

This week I became spontaneously nurturing from love—self-love! I needed to get refreshed and jumped at opportunities to do so. Next time you’re about to turn down an invitation or opportunity that you might benefit from but it’s last minute, think before you turn it down. Spontaneity brings many rewards. Doing things that are fun or nurturing increases smiles.

And smiles stimulate serotonin, which makes you feel good. So try being a bit more spontaneous. Find more reasons to smile. Give yourself some spiritual and energy boosts. Find ways to nurture you. When I was a DoorMat, I nurtured everyone but me. This is a whole other level of MUCH BETTER! Try it. Self-love grows when you give yourself attention. I know, because I used to hate myself and now that’s changed 1000% as I love myself more each day.

There’s nothing more glorious than loving yourself and self-nurturing helps get you there! If you have to be spontaneous to do that, it’s well worth it!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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