Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

This is post 70 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

I was very lucky that a Chinese massage center opened up in the summer down the block from me. Their specialty is pressure points for healing, including reflexology, which is my favorite. The real lucky part—they’re cheap! Dirt cheap for midtown Manhattan. And they offered a grand opening promotion that sweetens the deal even more—2 free massages if you get 10 by the end of February. I had eight and planned to get one last weekend. When I began getting the massages, I earmarked an envelope for massages. I kept the little card they sign when I get one and some extra cash in it. But when I went to get the envelope for my massage, I couldn’t find it.

I looked everywhere. It wasn’t where I normally put it or in my purse from last time. I looked everywhere I could imagine but no luck. My mind immediately began to think of what I could do if I didn’t find it. I didn’t want to lose the cash in it but especially didn’t want to lose proof of my previous massages so I could get 2 free ones. I considered begging for at least some credit since I always go to the same person and she knows me. But, luckily, I caught myself.

I HAD to find the envelope! Period! It had to be somewhere. So I changed my mindset from “What if I don’t find it?” to “It’s somewhere and I’ll find it.”

A common trigger for fear is the unknown. When you know something will happen, good or bad, you can prepare a response or solution. But when you aren’t sure of an outcome, your mind can conjure up some pretty scary situations. When I was a DoorMat, I always considered the worst-case scenario, and often acted on it. I’d experience the fear and stress that would occur if it did happen, which it usually didn’t.

Or, I’d use all my people pleasing ways to smooth over what might not have been a bad situation, just in case.

I thought that if I didn’t help friend A, she might stop spending so much time with me and I’d be lonely. If I didn’t put my plans aside to drive friend B to her doctor appointment, she might never help me if I needed it one day. If the doctor said there was a small chance my fever was something serious, I suffered with a serious disease until the results of tests came in and I was cleared. I never found out what would happen if I said no to a friend’s request since I always did what they wanted. Nor did I get a serious disease.

You can suffer the consequences of scenarios that never materialize when you project what negative things could happen.

Many people assume the worst when they don’t know the outcome. The more you think and act on negative “what ifs,” the more chance of attracting a negative outcome. Focusing on bad outcomes tells the Universe you expect the situation to end badly. Guess what that attracts? People come to me asking why things never work out for them. As they talk, I can hear the worst expectations in their words.

“I never got___and now I have ____coming up and that will probably tank too.” Surprise! None of it worked out. Negatives are easy to attract. Assuming they will happen is a mental magnet.

“I know I’ll need surgery and can’t afford to miss so much work so I’ll probably lose my job too.” All that aggravation and he didn’t need surgery. Yet the doctor found another health problem for him to “what if?” about. The stress he created with his “what ifs?”caused problems that made him lose his job, as he speculated happening.

“I’m going to the tropics on vacation. I bet it will rain and ruin my trip.” She won the bet. Thinking it would rain ruined her anticipation and attracted the rain that ruined her trip! I always expect gorgeous weather in vacation and KNOW there is no way there will be rain. And I alwasy have sunshine!

When I work with someone, I engage in a conversation and listen to how they perceive their life and handle situations where the outcome can be positive or negative. Then I try to get them to focus on getting what they want, not what they’re scared of. It’s natural to go to the “what if” scenario if you’ve always done it. But “what iffing” it can be controlled!

The more you focus on a positive outcome, the better your chance of getting one.

Rather than seeing it as a flaw, consider “what iffing” as a habit you can stop or slow down if you CHOOSE to. When the desire to break this habit is there, it just takes self-awareness and time. And faith! I rarely go there anymore, since my faith keeps me expecting positives. Faith is the antidote for negative expectations. Practice really does solidify it.

The more you see the Law of Attraction work for you, the more you can talk yourself down from those pesky “what ifs?”

I found the envelope with my cash and the proof of my eight massages. First, I told myself there was NO option for NOT finding it. I HAD to find it. Logically, it had to be somewhere. I wouldn’t throw out an envelope with money in it. And it was NOT an option to lose the credit for the massages I’d gotten! I said that out loud, with force. Then I drowned the “what ifs” with an affirmation—“I have the envelope for my massage.”

I used a technique that works for me. I say, “Think like a Daylle.” Where might I leave it that’s odd but so like me.

Ah!!! I’d brought another envelope that I keep in the same spot with me a few days before in my backpack and it was still there. Maybe I’d accidentally brought the massage one with it and it was in my backpack too. Bingo! After a little digging, I found it. Had I not changed my thoughts, who knows when I might have noticed it at the bottom of my overstuffed backpack. I believe that my positive intention to find it led me to it. The “what iffing” would have distracted me.

George Schultz said, “The minute you start talking about what you are going to do if you lose, you have lost.”

Keep your thoughts on a winning track. If your tooth hurts, assume it’s something minor instead of “what iffing” a major, expensive problem. If your boss calls you in, assume it’s for something good, not to chastise you because you did something wrong. Do affirmations to reinforce the positive spin on what will happen. ALLOW yourself to attract the positive benefits of positive thoughts. Then, relax and enjoy all the good stuff you attract!

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I was recently interviewed for Cosmopolitan magazine in the UK. The writer asked about how to deal with people who often put you in the position of paying for them or paying more than your fair share of a check. Some people take advantage of “nicer” friends. It’s a universal problem.

Do you loan money and don’t get it back but you feel funny asking for it?

We’ve been made to believe it’s uncomfortable and yucky to ask someone to repay borrowed money. Yet it’s the other person who should feel that way! Then there are people who let you pay for the cab in full, or put you on the spot to split an unbalanced dinner check or many other things where you end up paying way too much. When I was DoorMat, that was my M.O. I treated people to dinner and movies to avoid being alone. I loaned money to the same people who never paid me back.

People Pleasers think that they have to shell out money so people will like them. They’re afraid to alienate by saying no or setting money boundaries.

Money issues can create sticky problems. I had a few friends who hit me up for money regularly and made me feel bad when I asked for it later, acting like I was being cheap. What I realize now is they were just manipulating me to avoid repaying the loan. Because I was so insecure, I’d stop asking for a while. And, I’d loan more when asked. Money pigs know what to say to stop you from standing up to them. They use sweet talk and innuendos of you being cheap to diffuse any boundaries you try to set.

The need to please gives money pigs more opportunity to take advantage.

Do you know someone who always seems to be a little short on cash when you go out? Are you expected to kick in something for her dinner, movie, or cab and she forgets to return it. Do you get angry but still lend money. Eventually you’ll have so much resentment that it will take a toll on your health, your happiness and your relationship with the money pig.

Setting solid boundaries begins with deciding you’ve had enough of being someone’s human ATM.

People Pleasers worry about being unaccommodating. Accommodate you. Protect your money, unless you’re so rich you don’t mind subsidizing others. I told a client with this problem to bring just enough for herself when she went out with her money pig friend and advise her to find a cash machine or wash dishes if necessary! Nina * (not her real name) was nervous to do it but promised to try.

Ask yourself what scares you about not loaning money or kicking in for a friend in a one-sided subsidy.

Nina called to say that the money pig used the emergency money in her wallet when refused to give her financial aid. She couldn’t believe her friend would let her pay to keep from spending that money. It’s not your responsibility if someone doesn’t bring enough. Warn a friend in advance that you know she runs short but you won’t have extra, or you two can go somewhere cheaper. Be nice about it. Don’t complain about them making you pay. Just make it clear you want to only pay for yourself.

Explain that if your friend’s budget won’t cover where you plan to go, you’re happy to go somewhere less expensive.

Do you have money pig friends who always order extras yet expect to split the check equally? These oinkers manipulate friends to afford lots of drinks or appetizers. People Pleasers are embarrassed to speak up and end up paying too much. Nice Girls & Guys on Top won’t subsidize them. I’d rather spend MY money on ME now! Ask yourself, “is it fair to expect me to pay for someone else’s food/drinks/cab fare on a regular basis? Without having it reciprocated—EVER!”

It is fabulously, deliciously, wonderfully empowering to stop money pigs in their tracks!

I had dinner with a friend who arrived early and had drinks and appetizers before I arrived. I had a salad and water. She had more drinks and side dishes with dinner. The $40 check had many items, so she said it was easier to just split it. I said it wasn’t complicated it was to subtract my $7 salad from the bill since the rest was hers. She was annoyed I didn’t contribute to her tab. She’d done it before and I was prepared to only pay for mine! If a friend gets angry if you don’t subsidize her, stop making plans. That’s what I had to do.

Don’t succumb to guilt. A friend who tries to mooch off of you should feel guilty.

My friend Joy always complained about her friend Karen. At dinner Karen ordered more drinks and expensive food than anyone—every time—then grabbed the check and divided it so everyone shared her tab. Joy didn’t drink and ate light. Karen had steak. Joy paid over $20 more than her meal most times! She wanted to just pay for her order but hated looking cheap. Karen picked on those who protested, so everyone just paid. Joy wanted to avoid embarrassment. That’s ridiculous!

Money pigs should be embarrassed!

Before Karen joined us for dinner, I warned Joy to spell out in advance that I’d pay for just my own. Karen ordered extravagantly and insisted we split the check. I just gave my share, since I had only one dish and no drinks. She’d ordered $55 more than me! When Karen pulled the “I don’t have enough money” card, I said she shouldn’t order more than she could pay for. The restaurant didn’t take credit cards, but I wouldn’t relent and suggested she find an ATM or wash dishes. Joy covered her. Karen tried to make me feel guilty, but I said she should feel guilty.

If you’re called cheap for not splitting the check, ask what they call themselves for always expecting others to subsidize them.

On the other hand, don’t be cheap and count pennies if it’s a small difference or if sometimes you have more and sometimes the other person does does. I have friends I do split the check with since it isn’t unbalanced and they’re not money pigs. You can win the money pigs’ game with these tips:

* Figure out what your share is before the check arrives. Have it ready and put it down saying, “This is what I owe.” This is the BEST way and what I usually do. It puts the money pigs into the position to ask you for more money to cover them. And if they do, it gives you a better opening to question why you should pay for part of their tab.

* Ask for separate checks. I’m not comfortable with doing this but have found it useful when going out in a group. Usually most people are happy with this approach, especially if they want to pay with a credit card. It’s the money pigs that gripe!

* If someone says, “Let’s split the check,” say you’d prefer to just pay your share. I’ve ordered light to save money and say that if questioned. You do have that right!

If you feel uncomfortable standing up to money pigs, remind yourself it’s okay to only pay for what you ordered and you don’t owe the other person money. I now have a policy of not loaning money, with a few exceptions for people close to me who I trust (who don’t borrow most of the time). Explain this policy. It really can come between friends so it’s better not to loan money. When you set boundaries and stick to them, the money pigs go elsewhere. Oink to them!

When I was a DoorMat, I loaned and split checks so people would like me. Now I don’t care who doesn’t like me because I don’t share my cash! I like me and that’s what matters most! Setting and keeping boundaries is empowering!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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People ask why I post so much related to spirituality and the Law of Attraction. My blog is Lessons from a Recovering DoorMat, not one dedicated to spiritual issues. While I have learned many things over the years as I’ve grown into an empowered woman, I can honestly say that without my spiritual faith, I may never have even gotten a mile from DoorMatville.

Spiritual support enables the strongest level of self-empowerment because it helps alleviates fears that hold you back.

I’m not religious. I was actually an atheist for my life as a DoorMat. Saying God was unpleasant for me back then. I didn’t believe at all. I wished I could but I was so down on me that I couldn’t believe there was anything good to reach out for. As I began to feel a bit more empowered, I tested faith just a little and got results. So I tried a bit more and continued to reap the thoughts I put out.

During a tough time during which I struggled to make a big decision, a friend insisted I talk to God that night and ask for help. “God? There’s no such thing!” I said. But he pushed me to try anyway, even if I didn’t believe. That night I talked to what felt like the air. I explained I didn’t believe in God and was just doing this for Ron. Then I stated my dilemma and said I needed guidance. The next morning it all fell into place and I knew what to do.

It took me several more attempts to actually believe it wasn’t just coincidence that I got answers when I asked God for them.

Every time I asked for guidance, I got it. As I felt more supported, I took more risks. I began slowly and worked my way up to doing more and more for me. The more I did, the happier I became. The happier I became, the more I did for me. It became a delightful vicious cycle that fed my happiness, and need to keep doing things that made me happy. As my gratitude increased, so did my blessings. My world felt so nurturing and full.

DoorMats often feel alone, even with people around. Not knowing if they’re there because they care about YOU, OR, what you do for them, is a lonely feeling.

Knowing I had God’s support stopped that feeling. I was no longer alone. I had a wonderful spiritual support system and loved the feeling! This allowed me to leave all the comforts of my inexpensive living situation, blow off my sources of income, which brought me no joy, and move into Manhattan, without a job or income. “Somehow” I always got enough freelance work to pay my bills. And I felt confident enough to vow to do only things I felt passionate about to earn a living and never work for anyone again.

Honestly, I had no known skills when I did this. People told me it was too late to find a satisfying career. But I didn’t worry about what people thought anymore. I had God on my side!

My own thoughts, desires and beliefs were what mattered! So this is why spirituality is such an integral part of my Lessons from a Recovering DoorMat. As you build your faith, you too can take the steps to a happier, more fruitful life. I want you to be happy and satisfied like I am. That’s why I write this blog. I’m short on time but my blessings are so many that I want to share my lessons with as many people as I can and spread the blessings.

No matter where you are or what your circumstances, you can use your power to overcome obstacles and be happy.

Find your own spiritual path, whether it’s God or the Universe or whatever higher power feels right to you. The important things is having spiritual faith, from whatever avenue works. So, that’s why I have my Law of Attraction in Action series and emphasize the power you all can tap into. Spirituality is the power source for my self-empowerment. It can be yours to, if you just ask for support and watch your thoughts. I highly recommend it to you all.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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This is post 69 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

I was with my friend Lori last week when she couldn’t find her car keys. She’d put them into her jacket pocket when she went into a class but they weren’t there when she left. Someone must have accidentally picked them up. It was a mystery. I met up with her after. She got frantic and spoke of gloom and doom. While I warned her to stop, she kept saying she knew she wouldn’t find her keys. And guess what? They never turned up!

Expressing doubt that something will or won’t happen blocks it from happening or attracts what you don’t want.

When someone drove us to Lori’s house, she went on and on about how she hadn’t seen her spare keys in ages and was sure she wouldn’t find them. Hello! The Law of Attraction delivers on those thoughts. And they did. She searched her drawers, all the while affirming she wouldn’t find the spare keys. I warned her that the doubt she expressed would sabotage finding them but she kept saying I didn’t understand and she needed to rant. And the Universe sent her more to rant about.

Doubt says you don’t trust that you’ll get what you want. It’s hard to be faithful and doubtful at the same time.

Doubt is expressed in many ways. You don’t have to directly say, “I doubt it” for doubt to sabotage your desires. Saying “I hope so” expresses doubt. Often when someone is nervous that something important won’t work out, I insist that it will. Instead of agreeing with me, more commonly I hear “I hope so.” I state what they want and they express doubt by saying they hope it will happen instead of expressing a belief that it will. And then they wonder why they don’t get what they want.

Our power is in the KNOWING.

Feeling uneasy about what you want to happen shows doubt. I know how important situations can make you nervous. I’ve been there! It’s hard to not worry and doubt a good outcome when things look bad. My friend was terrified of the repercussions of losing her car keys and her logic made her think if she hadn’t found them easily, they just weren’t there. Emotions push our doubt buttons. You can push back if you’re aware and choose to stop the doubt! This is a CRITICAL concept to understand if you want to use the Law of Attraction more fully”

Our power is in the KNOWING.

I learned this when my book How to Please a Woman In & Out of Bed came out. All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise was still going strong and an author friend looked me in the eye and said I HAD TO get on Howard Stern. HAD TO! I felt her passion about it and KNEW I HAD TO get on the show. I didn’t hope or wish or dream or pray. I KNEW. I told people I’d be on Howard Stern within the next 3 weeks. I even announced it during a TV appearance. When I told the publisher’s publicist, she laughed and said it wouldn’t happen.

I just asked her to make sure Howard’s producer had a copy of my books and the Law of Attraction would do the rest.

She thought I was nuts! People I told I’d be on the show humored me like I was a mental case but I kept saying I’d be on Howard Stern within that 3 week period, with complete assurance, since I KNEW it. I needed to go on this show so I HAD TO get on. It was that simple. I never felt doubt. A week later, my publicist called and with wonderment, asked how I did it? Howard’s producer had called for me to be on the show. I told her God supported my thoughts. All I did was put it out that I KNEW I’d be on. A few days later I spent 35 commercial-free minutes chatting with Howard as he plugged my books with enthusiasm.

It was then that I recognized that our power is in the KNOWING.

KNOWING isn’t easy. You can just say you know you’re going to get something and try to stifle your doubts. You really have to know enough to trust the process to work. KNOWING comes as your faith gets stronger. First you need your foundation, which is built by practicing smaller acts of manifesting. For example, last night I was waiting for my train. Two lines ran on the same track. Mine ran less often. As I heard a train coming, I kept saying “uptown E.” “uptown E.” And it was! I do that effortless now but had to practice at the beginning. Each time it works, your ability to KNOW gets stronger.

KNOWING begins with learning to replace doubt with faith.

When you hear yourself getting doubtful, try to slow yourself down with deep breathing. Ask yourself, “Do I want to prove my doubts correct or get what I want?” If it’s the latter, do what you can to calm down. Saying affirmations does that for me. As I say them over and over, it reminds me that the Law of Attraction works when I let it, and I become more likely to let it. My faves are:

“I trust in the Universe to take care of me. All is well in my world.”

“Everything will work out fine. “

Ask for spiritual support to get over doubts. That’s how I deal with the real nerve wracking situations. Listen for the words you use. Are you hoping or knowing? The more you see it working, the stronger your KNOWING becomes. I KNOW you can all manifest a lot more good stuff than you currently do. When you put your own focus on KNOWING, you’ll begin to reap more.

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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