Beliefnet
Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

There’s a popular book called, He’s Just Not that Into You. It came from a line used on Sex and the City as a lesson for women that guys may stick around but not give you what you really want or need because he’s just not that into you. I said something similar in my book, All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise. A guy may stick around because he gets good sex, or good home cooked meals, or he just hasn’t met anyone better. Some even like to nail a sugar momma! But he may not be emotionally invested. Men experience it too. Women stick around for the gifts, financial security, and to have a man who can complete her, at least for the moment.

Hit and run daters come in both sexes, but are more prevalent in guys, since many women will marry a guy she’s not that into, just to have financial security and to get married. If her biological clock is ticking, the odds are even greater for a woman to settle, just to have someone. I know of too many women who believe that settling is the reality of having a man. Men are much less likely to marry a woman they’re just not that into.

When He’s Just Not that Into You came out, women were in awe of this concept. I’ve been trying to explain it for many years. Women often ask me:

* Why doesn’t he call?
* Why doesn’t he keep his word?
* How can he sleep with me and then disappear for a while?
* Why does he let me clean and cook and spend time and then he holds back emotionally?
* And lots more along these lines.

Sometimes these situations occur if he’s scared of falling in love with you and so he sabotages the relationship rather than face his feelings. More often, as the book says: He’s just not that into you. I’ve been saying this to women well before this book came out. But either way, you don’t have him emotionally. Men and women often have different agendas when they date. Women tend to look for a long-term relationship from the first date forward and analyze a man’s potential as a husband from the get-go. Men tend to go out to have fun and hope they can eventually have sex. They’re not as concerned with where this liaison will go after the first few dates.

There’s much more of an emphasis on finding a mate for women–“to feel complete.” That makes many of us give having one too much importance.

As a DoorMat, I struggled to find a man who’d stay with me so I’d feel complete. Yes, I was desperate. Sadly, I encounter a lot of women with that mindset. It’s all about HIM and if HE is into you. Both sexes need to make themselves most important. Once I had a loving relationship with ME. I no longer made having a man a priority. I’d rather wait to meet someone who makes me consider it because he interests me so much, than to search for any breathing male who likes me and try to like him, like I used to do.

I don’t hear many women say, “I’m just not that into him.” But not settling for someone is key to being an empowered person.

I’ve met some nice guys lately who liked me. I tried, like I used to, to convince myself to accept a date but found myself making excuses. Friends couldn’t understand why I didn’t jump at the chance to go. “He’s a great catch.” “He makes a lot of money.” “Why not just go? You’ll have a free dinner.” And so on! They were even more confused when I said, “I’m just not that into him,” and responded with, “You don’t have to be into him to go out.” But I do! I value myself too much to endure time spent with someone I’m not into. And, I don’t need to use a man for a free dinner. I can feed myself!

No more settling! My time is too valuable to waste it with someone I’m just not into.

If you’re single and dating, pay attention to your reaction to someone you meet. Are you seeing him or her because there’s no one else, or you’re horny? In the past, I believed that someone was better than no one. Now that I value me, I want to be with a guy I find special, and worth my time. So I continue to confuse people who push me to pursue the “good catch” who likes me by saying, “I’m just not that into him.” I’m not a fisherman so I don’t need to catch anything. That makes finding a partner too important to the grand scheme of my life.

I’m happy, in love with my life and enjoy my own company and spending time with friends. Being whole on my own means I don’t need someone to complete me.

It’s okay for both sexes to be “not that into ____.” This concept isn’t reserved for men. Become more into YOU. Enjoy doing things on your own like I do. Sometimes my friends complain I spend too much time on my own. After being dependent on having others to spend time with to not feel lonely, and having a guy to feel complete, I’m joyously enjoying all the things I love doing solo, no apologies. It’s no longer what others think about me and my choices. It’s what I think that matters!

When you can CHOOSE to be solo on a Saturday night because you’re just not that into him or her, your life is yours.

I’m willing to share with the RIGHT person, but until then, I’ll continue to assess whether each guy who asks me out is worth my time. DoorMat Daylle would never have believed it was possible to be happy without a man. Today, a man I’m into will add to my happiness, but I’m already happy on my own!

Give yourself a gift of love this weekend, whether you’re in a relationship or still solo.

If you’re in a relationship, cut down on the material stuff and spend the weekend being loving to each other. When you can let go of the need to be in a relationship with a romantic partner and nurture your relationship with you, you’re in the best place to meet someone you won’t have to settle for, or to improve your current relationship. I wish you a HAPPY, loving, Valentine’s Day, whether you’re single or in a relationship!

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This is post 73 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

Sunday is the “big” day for love—Valentine’s Day. I talked about it in my post last year on V. Day but it needs to be discussed each year. This one day can generate great joy or great sorrow, depending on whether you’re in a good relationship. The hype can make almost any single person lament not having a special someone. It used to do that to me. It was weird but even when I was seeing someone, something would happen just before February 14th and either end the relationship or the guy had to leave for a while. I used to think I was love jinxed. Now I think I just made that one day too important in the scheme of a relationship.

Making V. Day THE day for love and for all romance your partner can muster can also attract a lack of romance and feeling loved on a regular basis throughout the year.

Many women put pressure on their guys to make the day special. People go to overcrowded restaurants, often with jacked up prices on their menus, to celebrate their love. Many men feel forced to ante up on the romance. They often don’t feel the vibe of what they do or give but the pressure makes them do it. But V Day isn’t joyous for everyone. It often evokes:

* Pain for people with no one special.
* Disappointment if your guy doesn’t give you a ring or you don’t get what the hype promises.
* Frustration if you get something less romantic and more practical.
* Let down later if your life goes back to the way it was.

Unrealistic expectations of this ONE day tells the Universe you don’t see every day as a wonderfully loving one that brings you love and romance.

Years ago, I spent Valentine’s Day with a friend for several years in a row. We’d do a long walk downtown, moaning every time we’d see a guy or delivery person go by with flowers. No flowers for us! We mourned not having a special guy over drinks and dinner. Though we’d always go home depressed, we repeated this for several years. As I became more empowered, I realized that I was making having romance on V. Day much too important. I had a great life, good friends, and I had me, who I finally learned to love.

The next V. Day I bought myself a rose!

I went out and shopped for one perfect rose and bought it for the one I love most—ME! It made me so happy, not just to have a rose I loved, but because I knew how far I’d come. Now I buy myself flowers every week. Why not? I don’t buy them on Valentine’s Day since they’re usually more expensive. I’ll get mine earlier in the week. But I love flowers so why not have them all year round?

No one day—no matter what it’s called—should be designated in your thoughts as THE day for love. Every day is a love day for me now!

Focusing on love for this one day can tell the Universe that you expect the special love stuff on February 14th, which can make it harder to attract the romance on other days. I just heard someone say that his wife had banned V. Day in their house. She didn’t want to delegate this one day for love and preferred to show it every day. I agree! There’s nothing wrong with having fun with your mate on this day, but recognize the value of showing love and romantic gestures regularly. That helps the connection of a good relationship sustain better that putting all your hearts into one basket on one day.

Honor your love every day, whether if it’s for your partner or yourself. I consciously give myself love and the Law of Attraction responds with more joy in myself and

I don’t have a special guy this year. I haven’t had much time or met someone worth giving some up to go on a date. It’s MY choice, not my bad luck on V Day. I’m deliriously happy with my life, despite many women thinking I’m nuts to turn down opportunities to go on a date because I’d rather write or run or a million other things. When the time is right, I’ll enjoy a V. Day with a special guy. For now, Sunday will still be a special day because I’ve discovered the joy of loving myself. After many DoorMat years of being desperate to find a guy to complete me, I celebrate that I now complete myself.

Show YOU love this weekend, along with other loved ones.

Even if you’re in a good relationship, do something special for YOU! It will help you attract more love and happiness. And if you’re single, loving yourself gives you more of a chance to attract a healthy relationship. You’ve heard it before but it’s so true—you can’t find healthy love from others until you love yourself. That shows you’re worthy of being loved and the Law of Attraction will bring it back to you!

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..

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It seems like if there was really a wish fairy, everyone would have something they’d like to change. Whether it’s something big, like getting a huge income increase, or something personal, like losing weight, or a gazillion other types of things, most people would love something different if they didn’t have to work for it. The trouble is, life isn’t a fairy tale and there is no wish fairy, so many of those wishes for change don’t come true. When I was a DoorMat, I prayed for the wish fairy to take pity on me and help me change my people pleasing ways but never got a response.

I finally accepted that change comes from within and then you do what’s necessary to achieve it.

It took time for me to change, since I operated in fear back then. Plus, I had no skills or resources to use to become a more empowered woman. My change began with discovering faith. I was just beginning to recognize that maybe there was a spiritual power I could tap into. So I stopped praying for a wish fairy and instead prayed for an epiphany or something to help me get started. Right after, 2 real friends (who didn’t know each other) lectured me a few days apart about how it bothered them to see how I let people treat me.

They told me I DESERVED a lot better and needed to stop giving all my energy to others and start doing more for me. I listened. It actually felt eerie to hear this from 2 different people at 2 different times for no apparent reason. Now I know that it was my prayers being answered. “Coincidentally,” a few days later I went to visit my parents for a week. After being nurtured and loved, I returned home with determination to change.

Ask for a sign to get started. It will most likely come through experiences like it did for me.

Pay attention and learn from the signs, unless you really want to stay in the place you’d prefer were different. If the idea of change unnerves you or seems overwhelming, try to focus on the benefits of handling situations in more satisfying ways, one step at a time. It’s much better than complaining without results. I know, because I was the Queen of Complainers. I may have been a DoorMat but I sure complained all the time to anyone who’d listen, except of course to people who were the source of what I complained about. Speaking up to people who hurt or angered me wasn’t an option back then.

One constructive baby step at a time makes changing easier. Instead of seeing changing your ways as major overhauls, perceive change as an accumulation of small lessons used effectively to break old habits—not who you are. Do it slowly but do it! I learned to initiate change with these steps:

* Acknowledge you need to change. The hardest step may be ending the delusion that helping others compensates for your dissatisfaction or that your weight makes you unhappy and holds you back or that you won’t be happy until you break an old habit, like procrastinating or talking too much.

* Decide you want to change: Make a conscious decision to seek more effective ways to handle irritating situations. You have to want it enough to do something more than just pray for the wish fairy.

* Pinpoint what to change: Pay attention to your habits. Assess which need breaking. Poor eating habits? Making excuses instead of exercising? Getting caught up in trivial activities that keep you from tackling important things? Interrupting people and not listening? Saying “yes” to things you don’t want?

* Decide what to change first: Pick one person or situation to start with. Make one small change. Eat a healthier meal one time. Say “no” to one person. Concentrate on finishing one task. As you change one habit, you’ll enjoy feeling in control over it. Then tackle another.

* Try different techniques: Like shopping, try on different suits until one fits properly. See which demeanor you’re comfortable with to express yourself more or turn down requests. You may need different attitudes with different people or different strategies in a variety of situations. Eating home more may help you get started on controlling your eating. Some people need a gym or personal trainer to exercise. Some find a walking buddy. See what feels best for you.

* Motivate yourself. Let painful memories inspire handling yourself differently. Usually we want to change things we don’t like. Think about why and write it down. Affirm the reasons you want to handle situations differently.

* Consciously applaud progress. Don’t wait for major breakthroughs. Celebrate each baby step as an accomplishment, even if it seems insignificant. Saying “no” to a cookie is an accomplishment for someone who normally can’t resist. I know because I love sweets and must resist the urge to pig out too often. So when I limit myself, I’m jazzed!

* Be patient. Empowerment won’t develop overnight. It takes time to get comfortable with a new approach. If you can recognize every teeny baby step as progress on your road to what you want, you can wait for the bigger stuff to come.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.

Change begins with that first step. Take a little one and then another. You may wake up one day and noticed you’ve broken an old habit and replaced it with one that helps you become the person you want to be as a series of baby steps adds up. I still remember when I looked in the mirror and realized how empowered I’d become. So Sweet!

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I often procrastinate when it comes to certain things I must do. I get distracted by doing other things, when I know the actual task I should be doing. It’s a very selective process and often related to finishing something I’m writing. Friends have called it writer’s block but I knew it wasn’t. The thoughts I write about come easily to me. I couldn’t figure it out until a very wise person pointed out that because I’m such a perfectionist about my writing, I procrastinate on finishing certain things I’m writing due to my concern about not being perfect.

That got me thinking. I’ve seen it in clients, friends and in myself. Procrastination is often caused by feeling like you can’t do something perfectly, so you put it off.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized how many other areas I’ve procrastinated in because subconsciously I was concerned about not doing it perfectly. I’ve put off phone calls because I wasn’t sure I had the right words. I’ve procrastinated on finishing a book proposal because this is what gets me the deal and I needed it to be perfect. The more I think about it, the more I realize how tied to perfection a lot of my procrastination has been over the years.

Recognizing that you’re procrastinating because you’re scared of not being perfect can help you find ways around it.

Once I understood the root of my procrastination, I felt more empowered. It’s allowed me to take a lot more control of it. I used to wonder what was wrong with me when I just couldn’t do what I knew I should or had to do. Knowing that my desire to do certain things in the most perfect way possible made me realize that I wasn’t a slacker or an unmotivated person. It allowed me to focus on what more I could do to make progress instead of just putting things off and getting disgusted with myself.

Next time you procrastinate, do a check and see what might really be at the root of it. Ask, “Am I scared of not doing it well enough or getting it perfect so I just don’t do it at all?”

This awakening has helped me to get a lot more things done. Striving for that elusive perfection went to doing the best that I can I a reasonable about of time. While I still want to write as well as it can be written or say the most perfect words, I now weigh reaching that perfection against not getting it done. If I want to keep writing books, I must finish my proposals. If I want sponsorship, I must make the calls. This has changed my mindset and allowed me to limit procrastination dramatically.

It’s okay to procrastinate sometimes; we all need to do it. But usually the things that you want done perfectly are what’s most important to get done.

As you recognize that you’re putting off doing stuff because you’re scared you won’t do it perfectly, take control by analyzing what you can do to help the process. Get advice from someone you trust. Run it by a few people. Take a real break with the intention of coming back to it fresh. Accept that you can only do your best, and then do your best! No matter what, make sure you forgive yourself for procrastinating. It’s a very normal human thing to do.

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