Beliefnet
Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Recently an anonymous subscriber wrote a scathing comment on my post about Grudges. Anon is unsubscribing, viewing me as being sneaky and vindictive. People who change their people pleasing ways often get chided or mislabeled by others. As I grew into an empowered woman, many names were hurled at me by people I said no to or who I stopped allowing to walk all over me.

Selfish and bitch/bastard are commonly used to manipulate people into retuning to their more giving ways.

Depending on their situations, people have varied perspectives about situations, and words. I’ve been called a bitch for taking care of myself so many times that my first workshop was called, Be a Better Bitch/Bastard. A better bitch/bastard gets called a bitch/bastard by someone who is frustrated about not getting their way or you speak up for yourself or set any other boundaries for what you give or do for others (NOTE: I’m wearing my Better Bitch and Proud of it t-shirt in the pic. I have a few left for $15, shipping included in the US).

Name-calling is often used as a weapon to get you to give in or as an outlet for disagreement.

I subscribe to the sticks & stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me—unless I let them mentality. Words can sting or hurt you a lot if you accept them as your truth. I wasn’t a bitch when I was accused of being one. Nor was I selfish for wanting my desires filled too instead of just always going along with where others wanted to eat, what they wanted to do, etc.

As long as you KNOW you’re NOT what a person accuses you of being in words, you’re not. Names only have validity if you agree.

This blog is about my experiences and what worked for me and my clients. I KNOW that I’m not sneaky and vindictive as Anon called me. Of course he or she is entitled to personal opinions. I respect that not everyone will like or agree with me. But it isn’t my truth. Anon gave examples of why I am those words. I’m pretty sure I know which ones they are. This is how I see it.

* In my post called Miserably Skinny I wrote that I told someone to shut up when she asked challenged my food choice. This person was always critical of my body and picked on me for ordering a burger and fries, I told her not to tell me how to eat. But when the food came, she began a lecture that in the past ruined my pleasure (and I rarely have a burger and fries and wanted to enjoy it fully!). So I told her to shut up. I’d warned her several times to keep her criticism to herself. I didn’t need advice from someone who was skinny but miserable. And despite what Anon thinks, I’d do it again to someone who doesn’t stop her verbal jabs after being told more than once that it’s unacceptable and she had no right to speak to me like that.

* The other example was from my post on Grudges. Anon said I got a kick out of something bad happening to the worker in my building who began loudly stripping floors in the apartment bedroom right above me before 8AM on a Saturday, which by the way is illegal in NY. I could have reported him to the building manager or filed a complaint with the city, which would have created trouble for him with his job. Instead I released any recourse to the Universe and let God take care of it. Right after that, our building manager denied him the time off he wanted during the holidays.

I’d much rather let God sort it out instead of me looking to hurt someone.

I didn’t get a kick out of something bad happening to him or wish him evil. But I did get a kick out of the Law of Attraction returning it to him. And I did say I got a kick out of him thinking that I was giving him a holiday gift when it was an envelope with a note explaining (nicely!) how I was leaving it to God to deal with it. He’d done other inconsiderate things but this was intolerable. I didn’t detail it in my post but he knew I was getting physically ill from all the construction noise that began before 7 AM every weekday morning. Some of you may remember that I live facing the building that had the awful crane accident 2 years ago.

This guy and I discussed how unnerving it was. He had a problem just working with constant drilling and banging and knew how much I valued being able to catch up on sleep on weekends. My doorman said he warned the guy not to work so early but he had plans for the day and only cared about finishing early. So I thought he got an appropriate result of his actions!

Leaving grudges in God’s hands is the best recourse against someone who does you wrong.

Anon said the energy radiating from my words is ugly. Oh well. Anon has chosen to unsubscribe and that’s his/her choice. I wish him/her a blessed life. I have no idea of what caused his/her perspective and it doesn’t matter. I know who I am, which really is what matters. Be careful about letting word jabs hurt you or your joy. Always remember that names can never hurt you unless you let them. I no longer let them. I know if I do wrong or put out bad energy, it will surely come back to me. Meanwhile, my life continues to grow with delight!

When you own your right to not adopt what someone else thinks of you as true, you can guide your life down a path of YOUR choice!

Do your best to do the right thing and also understand that you and people around you may see things differently and that’s okay. Don’t let others rattle your path. Everyone has issues that push their buttons when they see or hear or read certain things. I still do. It’s important to remember that their issues aren’t yours. So I’ll continue to write my blog as I choose and people can read or not read it as they choose. Getting upset about someone else’s name calling ain’t worth the bad energy attached to it. Bless them with a good spirit and move on!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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This is post 75 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

Wanna know how to get on my nerves? Finish my sentence because you assume you know what I’m going to say. Or do what you assumed that I wanted instead of waiting for my answer. I don’t like when people second guess me. Many people don’t like it either. Yet we often second-guess ourselves when our confidence isn’t what it should be or if we’re scared or feel undeserving.

You limit what you can have or do by assuming it won’t work out.

When I was a DoorMat, I turned my assumptions into roadblocks for getting things I wanted by assuming I couldn’t have them. I believed I knew my place when it came to dating. For example, there were certain men I assumed were out of my league so I didn’t even allow myself a chance to date one. My assumptions led me to attract only the guys I assumed were what I deserved. Looking back, I prevented the “better” guys from dating me by assuming I wasn’t good enough for them. It happens in all areas of life.

Assumptions become your reality when they dominate your beliefs since you attract what you think.

Making assumptions can become a habit you don’t even notice—an automatic response to situations that you lack of confidence in or that low self-esteem can trigger. You may assume that:

* You won’t get the job you’d love because of the number of applicants. Someone has to get it so why not you? Assuming you won’t happen keeps you from applying and sends a message that you know you won’t get it. The Universe will accommodate you in not getting it.

* Someone doesn’t like you because they’re cool when you see them. Assuming that makes you cooler to the person. But often the other person is shy or may think you’re the one who doesn’t like them. I’ve assumed that about someone and quickly caught myself. When I made an effort to be friendly, the person warmed up too.

* You can’t go the distance in some form of exercise. I’m a walk-a-holic and on many occasions invited a friend to join me on a very long walk. Usually they assume they can’t do it and try to get out of it. The ones I prod are surprised that they were able to make it without falling apart. And it makes them happy to know they did it!

* It’s not the right time to ask for a raise. The right time is when you feel you DESERVE one! Assuming your boss won’t think you’ve earned one or that they company can’t afford it attracts less money. And if you don’t ask, you sure won’t get more!

You won’t know what you’re capable of doing or getting unless you try. That’s why assumptions need to be kicked out from under you if you’re letting them limit what you get. I stayed in DoorMatville for many years, assuming if I left I’d have no friends or security. Now I know that I create my own security, and people like me more, and for the right reasons, because I’m my own person now instead of a cloying people pleaser.

While I’m not into astrology in general, Susan Miller at Astrology Zone‘s horoscopes have been very accurate for me. Once she said that a one week window would bring me so much sex appeal, no guy would be able to resist me. I thought it was funny, but, it made me want to see if it was true. I went to a talk and saw a gorgeous guy across the room. Normally I’d have assumed he was out of my league but this time I smiled at him and got one back. We ended up going out for food after. I did this 2 more times that week and met some great guys I’d ordinarily not tried for. It taught me a lot about assumptions.

When you put out an energy of expecting instead of assuming you won’t get something, you’re more likely to receive.

Alan Alda said, “Begin challenging your own assumptions. Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once and a while, or the light won’t come in.”

Illuminate your life by giving yourself space left by assumption roadblocks that you get rid of. Challenge your assumptions by going after what you want. The worst that can happen is you don’t get what you want. But not taking risks assures you won’t get it! Years ago someone I worked me heard me saying that I assumed someone else would get the better assignment for the work I did at the time. He stopped me and said I must remember that when you assume something, you put an ass in front of u and me.

ASS-U-ME

Now I’m on the alert for my assumptions. Most of the time I catch myself from letting assumptions stop me. I want to attract all the good I can! So I don’t want to give the Universe assumptions to make real. If you catch yourself assuming that something won’t happen, ask yourself what you’re afraid of? Rejection? Not being able to do the job? Disappointment? Being judged unfairly? Work on resolving those issue to dissolve the assumptions.

ANYTHING can be achieved or received by putting your mind to it, literally and spiritually!

Watch out for your own assumptions and catch yourself before you allow them to stop you from trying something or sending the wrong message to the Universe. Remember, assumptions don’t stop you unless you embrace them! Instead, embrace a desire to do what you want and get excited about getting it. That’s a lot more rewarding.

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..

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I get many people to answer questions when I write my books, to find out what they think. The most common thing identified that both men and women are afraid to do is to speak in front of a group. Many would rather die that have the attention on them, whether it’s for a meeting at work, making a toast at wedding, or at a workshop that offers the chance to ask questions or give your opinion. Fear of saying the wrong thing or being received poorly can motivate avoiding these situations at all costs.

When you dodge speaking in front of a group because you’re scared, you can miss out on good opportunities.

In my DoorMat days I’d go to any lengths not to speak to more than one person at a time. Bigger groups intimidated me and my lips would feel crazy glued together. I was so insecure that I couldn’t imagine speaking without stumbling over my words or saying something stupid. I’d be at a panel and think something good to say. Others seemed to have it easy going up to the mic and chatting with the panelists. But, as I thought about raising my hand, my mouth would get dry and my heart beat so fast from fear that I couldn’t imagine how I’d get the words out without collapsing.

When I was trying to build my record label years ago, I went to a big music conference. I was on the cusp of building confidence—not yet there but knowing I had to take risks to succeed. One panel stirred some questions that I thought were provocative and would add some interesting elements to the discussion. Asking required me to explain what I was doing. I sat there, practicing what I’d say in my head, taking deep breaths to calm down and giving myself a silent pep talk. “I can do it!” In the past, I never got to the mic because I waited too long to get up. But I knew what had to be done.

Taking risks can reap the biggest rewards.

I wanted to move forward and got my butt out of the seat. Slowly, I got in line behind other people waiting to speak. Part of me prayed the panel would end before they got to me; a bigger part prayed that wouldn’t happen. I wondered if people could tell I was trembling as I continued to do deep breathing to build my courage. I’ll never forget how I felt when the guy in front of me finished. It was my turn. Too late to back out! I slowly stated my point and asked my question. People perked up and the panelists liked what I said.

Taking control of the fear of speaking up feels great when you get to the other side, even if it doesn’t got as well as you’d have liked. You should be proud of doing it at.

My rewards made it worthwhile to endure the stress of waiting on the line to speak. People came to me to say they loved what I said and asked for my card. And, a celebrity panelist—Ice-T—came over to speak to me. After that, I put a lot of thought into finding something “brilliant” to say on the mic at conferences, so people would know who I was. That led to meeting a lot of good people who helped me in my career.

People who speak up aren’t free of fear. They just push themselves to speak anyway.

People who know me are surprised that I still get nervous before being on a TV show or speaking in front of a group. It gets easier as you do it more often but for most of us, it doesn’t get easy. Speaking in front of large groups is part of my profession so I had to learn to get past the fear with steps to calm down and you can too:

Take slow deep breaths through you nose and then ever more slowly let it out though your mouth. In any nervous situation, this can take the edge off of nervousness, slow down your heart rate and make you feel more relaxed.

Be prepared! Know well what you plan to speak about. The more you research or read or learn about the topic you plan to speak about, the more confidence you’ll have and the better you’ll sound.

Think before you speak. Don’t just blurt something out on the fly. I let possibilities ruminate in my head for a while before I open my mouth. I also think of ideas before I even go out. Saying something that sounds good helps you attract people for networking or making money!

Do affirmations. I’ve been waiting for my turn to speak or ask a question and felt my insides quaking. That’s when I repeat things in my head to build confidence. “I will sound fabulous when I speak.” Before appearing on TV shows, I sometimes go to the mirror and repeat to myself that I’m really good and can make a great impression. Over and over. Damn! I really am good! ?

Start small to build confidence. Speak up in a small group, then at a work meeting where you can come in prepared. The more you speak up and see that the world doesn’t implode, the easier it becomes.

Accept that everyone makes mistakes and if you stumble over a word or goof up in some way, it’s okay. Laugh and move on. People don’t remember for long, if at all. Just focus on the message you want to get across.

Use your spiritual power. I look up and say thanks for support in sounding good when I speak. The more I feel supported, the more confident I become. I’ve put my words into the Universe’s hands and then I know I can do it well.

Lat week I went to an intro class at Mama Gena’s School of the Womanly Arts. It’s an amazing program that pushes women to be the best they can be. They also encourage bragging and Mama Gena walked around with a mic, asking women to stand up and brag. Those who did mainly knew her already and had been through her program. There were over 250 women there. I had to speak so I raised my hand! The mic was passed to me and I gave a short rundown of my accomplishments. I got huge applause and made some fabulous contacts with women who came up to me after because of what I said.

Speaking up brings MANY rewards! Build your courage and try it! The more you do it, the more you’ll have the confidence to do it more. That confidence can carry over to other areas of your life and help you progress in your life journey, no matter where you’re going!

NOTE: I will be starting Mama Gena’s Mastery program next month and will share some of the lessons here.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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This is post 74 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

I have a family member I’ll call Val. I don’t like her. Growing up I consistently found her self-serving and sneaky. As a child, my mom told me to just turn the other cheek and be nice. I had resentment but kept my mouth shut, until she did something that I considered nasty to my parents years ago. Her words and actions hurt them immeasurably. That was it for me. I wanted nothing more to do with her and carried a grudge for years.

Grudges send a bad vibe to the Universe. Carrying one shows a lack of forgiveness.

Grudges stoke anger and anger is never good for you when it stays with you over time. Whenever I’d hear Val’s name mentioned I’d snarl. And, I’d talk about how awful she was to anyone who’d listen. Looking back, I was right to know she wasn’t good to have in my life. But, my anger was unnecessary. What happened was over, yet I kept it alive by carrying a grudge toward her.

Grudges attract negativity by keeping bad memories alive.

Holding onto the grudges holds onto the past. But this is the present! The feelings behind the grudges don’t allow you to live fully in the now and serve no purpose. Forgiving the person you feel a grudge against frees you from negative vibes. People often question when I advise forgiving someone who did something blatantly wrong. Forgiving is for YOU, not for them.

Forgiving someone who hurt you allows you to let the negatives go. This attracts more positive circumstances.

It’s not necessary to forgive a person directly. You never have to see or communicate with them. You can forgive in your heart. Say out loud that you don’t like what the person did but you forgive him or her. Or write down what the person did, read it aloud, then express forgiveness and burn the paper (in the sink so you don’t start a fire. : ) That tells the Universe you’ve let go of the grudge and are ready to move forward more peacefully.

Desmond Tutu said, “Forgiving is not forgetting; it’s actually remembering—remembering and not using your right to hit back. It’s a second chance for a new beginning. And the remembering part is particularly important. Especially if you don’t want to repeat what happened.”

Don’t forget this! Forgiving doesn’t mean things are good between you and the person or forgetting what happened. Forgiving doesn’t mean excusing the person. You don’t have to like what the person did, or like the person any more than you did before. It does mean sending a positive message to the Universe. Grudges instigate negative thoughts and stir thoughts of getting revenge, which brings negatives back to you. Forgiving allows you to release any desire to get even, which attracts peace and more positive circumstances.

Forgiving is letting go of the emotional attachment to what caused your grudge against someone.

Grudges make you Grrr… when you think of the person. Forgiving changes your emotions. As I said in my post on Emotions, emotions fuel what you attract. Grudges keep negative emotions alive. Forgiving releases them and allows you to stimulate more of the positive ones that attract what you want. Remember, negative emotions are more potent than positive ones. They stick more. Forgiving is a potent way to release them. A few years ago, I learned that Val would be at a funeral I was going to. My blood began boiling as I thought of her. I knew it was time to forgive. After releasing my anger and forgiving her in my heart, I could interact with her in a civilized manner. She suggested we get together. I said nothing.

She’s history now, along with my grudge and it feels better!

Think about any grudges you might still have. Are they worth the negative energy? Learn from what someone did to you and then try to forgive so you can move forward. The lessons will hopefully prevent repeating what happened. Grudges attract anger, resentment, and a need for hurting the person back. YOU DESERVE MUCH BETTER!

When your faith is strong, you can put it into God’s hands to take care of the person for you.

A few years ago, someone who works in my building decided to do very loud work in the apartment above me before 8AM on a Saturday morning. It scared me to wake up to loud noise above my head and I was angry. It was wrong to do that! Completely inconsiderate. He knew it would bother me but did it anyway. My first instinct was to tell him off but I knew he knew what he’d done and how much I’d hate it. Instead, I wrote him a short note.

Knowing he’s religious, I said I forgive him and was putting what he’d attract into God’s hands.

It was 2 weeks before Christmas. I admit to getting a kick out of handing him the note in an envelope as he said thanks, thinking it was his Christmas tip. I went to Macy’s with the tip! And, the next week I learned that he was very upset. The time he was supposed to get off for the holidays was revoked because he was needed. I looked up to the sky and smiled! My forgiveness and releasing my grudge against him attracted a messed up vacation. It was over! He attracted that and I didn’t need to hold the grudge.

Leave revenge to the Universe. It does take place! Positive thoughts and energy is so much better than the negatives from carrying a grudge. See if you have any still festering, forgive anyone involved, and move on, knowing what they did will or has come back to them! Then you can focus on attracting more positive situations!

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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