Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

This is post 78 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

I hear the word attitude used in a variety of ways. I define it as your view of life, or yourself, or something specific, that reflects in the way you carry yourself and behave. You may think you’re coming across in one way but your attitude can betray your deeper feelings. It can send the right or wrong message to people, and to the Universe.

Your attitude helps to create the emotions needed to get the Law of Attraction to work for you the way you want it to. Or, it thwarts your desires.

I’ve seen attitudes that mask deeper feelings. An air of superiority can cover insecurity. Being overbearing in trying to make decisions for everyone can come from fear of not feeling in control. You may say you love everyone but your attitude can say differently if you ridicule people or put up walls when certain types of people interact with you. It’s especially important to be cognizant of your whole attitude when you want something specific.

Your attitude can set expectations, even if you want the opposite of it.

People who’ve been burned in a relationship say they want to meet someone good for them but, if their attitude towards men or women in general is negative—“Men can’t be trusted!” or “Women always use me for my money”—your message to the Universe is that you’re not ready for a relationship. I believe that attitude is a big reason that people don’t attract the kind of romantic partner they say they want.

An attitude based on past experience keeps you from manifesting the best you can in the present.

Your attitude can change from work to play. You may be happy in your personal life but believe you’re undervalued at work and it shows in your attitude, which can be defensive with those around you. If your attitude reflects feeling undervalued, that’s what you’ll attract! If you have a more friendly, open, positive attitude, more comes to you. You never know what’s going on beneath the surface of someone’s attitude, just as people can’t read your inner thoughts.

And the Universe picks up on your most blatant attitude.

A few years ago I had a client I’ll call Jay. He walked in to see me with a cocky attitude. He was good looking, in great shape and made good money. Jay bragged that with the odds of women to men in NYC he could get any woman he wanted. He was 37, had a really good game with women and his attitude screamed arrogant. His attitude toward women made me want to smack him. Each was a conquest that would fall for his lines and moves. As he got comfortable with me, Jay let his guard down and his insecurity came out.

His attitude masked fear that if he stopped acting like a player, he wouldn’t get women.

I asked if he’d ever been in love. “Not really” he said. While Jay had been with MANY dozens of women, the relationships had all been as shallow as his attitude. He admitted he did want to get into a meaningful relationship and didn’t know why he couldn’t attract a loving woman. He’d been with models, supersexed chicks, and other hotties. But not one had been sincerely affectionate or loving. Yes, he had fun. He thought he was happy. But as he saw friends in close relationships, he realized that everything he attracted was superficial.

While it can be helpful to fake confidence until it’s real, it should be on a positive, healthy level, not with phony intentions.

Jay couldn’t attract a real, positive, caring woman because his attitude reflected women as goals to conquer, not to love and be loved by. He thought he was happy with the women who looked gorgeous wearing tons of makeup, designer clothing and their own attitudes of being hot. As his walls fell during our sessions, we worked on how to change his attitude about women and his role with them. It took him some time but he’s now happily married with a baby on the way.

Earl Nightingale said, “A great attitude does much more than turn on the lights in our worlds; it seems to magically connect us to all sorts of serendipitous opportunities that were somehow absent before the change.”

Years ago a friend from a small town moved to NYC. He questioned me when I went up to Harlem by myself or walked home late at night. His attitude about NYC was that it’s easy to get mugged. I told him that wasn’t true but he walked around with an attitude that people were out to get him. He walked cautiously on the lookout for trouble. He wasn’t friendly in public. I wasn’t surprised that it took only 2 weeks in NY for him to be preyed on by a group of young punks.

I’ve walked home at 1AM from downtown alone yet this strong guy was jumped at 5:30 in the evening in a busy, normally safe neighborhood!

I walk in friendliness since I expect to be safe. My friend’s attitude reflected his nervousness. Fortunately he got away from the guys before they took his wallet. For him it was proof that NYC is a dangerous place. For me it showed how his attitude of walking around viewing everyone as a potential mugger got him mugged! I’ve lived here my whole life and never once had even a close call. I have a loving attitude about all people and feel safe no matter where I am. Of course I’m more alert late at night, but I don’t walk in fear like he did.

Do your best to match your attitude to the intentions you want to manifest.

Pay attention to your attitude in different life situations, and to life in general. What beliefs are reflected in it at work, with friends and family and about yourself? Determine if it’s consistent with what you want to attract or counterproductive for attracting what you want. Do you approach situations in a defensive way or with an openness to great possibilities attitude? Do you reflect preconceived notions based on past experiences? Or is your attitude one of “All is well and good things are coming?”

Change your attitude and attract more good!

When I felt like I wasn’t worthy of much my attitude reflected that and I didn’t get much. Now I know I deserve all the gifts that the Universe has to offer and my attitude is open to it all, with joy and gratitude. Do an attitude check and help yourself attract a lot more!

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I’m delighted top have Dr. Friedemann Schaub as my guest today. More and more, Western medical doctors are recognizing the benefits of healing methods beyond just taking traditional medication and that we have the ability to help ourselves heal. I’ve done it many times! Dr. Schaub works with people to help them improve their health using both inner tools and his medical background. Below he explains his 9 keys for making self-healing work for you!

The 9 Keys to Self-Healing ?
by Dr. Friedemann Schaub

After studying the human body and mind from all different “angles” for almost two decades, it became very clear to me that we all have an unlimited capacity to heal and change. However, most of us have not learned yet how to access this self-healing power or even trust or believe in such a potential.

The following 9 keys are an opportunity for you to explore and utilize your natural ability to heal. Whether you are currently dealing with a physical, emotional or mental challenge and receiving medical treatment or not, these 9 keys will allow you to access your self-healing potential and accelerate the healing process. There is really nothing you can do wrong – just do it and enjoy.

1. Focus on health and healing rather than disease.? Remember that you are not your disease – your disease has been “created” by your body and the body can “uncreate” it as well.

2. Find good reasons why you want to heal.? The more incentives / motivations you come up with, the better. Pay attention to the small “stuff”, that makes life worth living (e.g. a hug from a friend, a wonderful meal, a beautiful sunset, the kindness of a loved one, the joy of being there for somebody etc.)

3. Give specific “orders” to your body and your mind what you want it to do. ?For example: If you have pain, tell the body to create ease and comfort; if you are dealing with a tumor, tell your body to let it “melt” away; if you have emotional challenges, tell your mind and body to create inner peace, harmony etc.

4. See the disease as an opportunity to learn and grow.? Identify the metaphors of the illness – if the illness had a message for your, what would it be. Notice the messages of the symptoms you are dealing with – sometimes symptoms can be taken very literally (“pain in the neck”, “heaviness in the stomach”, “stiffness in the joints”). Also search for significant emotional events, traumas or inner conflicts that were preceding the illness. Find ways to heal these conflicts and emotions so that your unconscious mind and body are not pre-occupied and can focus on physical healing (for example through Time Line Therapy® , NLP, Hypnotherapy, Counseling, Energy healing etc.).

5. Use visualizations and creative imagery to stimulate your self-healing potential. ?If you are taking medication, include what you would like your body to do with the medication (e.g. maximum effect without side-effects). Books and tapes by Dr. Bernie Siegel, the pioneer on using visualization to heal, are a great resource.

6. Never give up hope / trust.? Always look for evidence that you can heal and are healing. Avoid listening or “buying into” negative prognosis, statistics… Surround yourself with positive people, positive life and health affirming messages.

7. Use meditation and relaxation exercises on a daily basis.? Meditation and relaxation have been shown to be very beneficial to treat chronic pain, migraines, hypertension and other chronic illnesses. Relaxing the mind and the body also activates our immune system. Even 10 minutes per day will make an enormous difference. A great way to start is to simply to find a quite and peaceful place, sit back and focus simply on your breath. After one to two minutes start inhaling for 5 seconds, hold the breath for 5 seconds and the exhale for 5 seconds. You can gradually increase the times to 20 seconds. The effects of this Kundalini Yoga breathing meditation are immediate and 5 minutes of this breath replace 30 minutes of sleep. Other great alternatives to relax are self-hypnosis CDs , which directly stimulate the subconscious mind, massages and other body work etc.

8. Give your body proper nutrition and sufficient rest.? Healing occurs when our body is well rested and well nurtured. Consult your physician, naturopathic doctor, nutritionist or herbologist to find the proper way to nutritionally support your body.

9. Feed your body with joy, harmony and laughter.? Extensive research has shown how the enormous healing benefits of joy and laughter. In 1976 the prestigious New England Journal of Medicine published an article by Norman Cousins, who was diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis (also known as Bechterew Disease) a painful inflammation of the spine. His case was so severe that he was given a very dim prognosis. Realizing that negative thoughts and attitudes can result in illness, Norma Cousins believed that positive thoughts and attitudes may have the opposite effect. He left the hospital and checked into a hotel where he took high doses of vitamin C and watched funny movies and shows. He found that ten minutes of laughter resulted in several hours of pain-free rest. He continued this “treatment” until he recovered. Cousins proved that laughter is a very effective medicine and added another important piece of evidence of the power the mind-body connection.

Friedemann Schaub MD., Ph.D., the founder of Cellular Wisdom, was born in 1965 in the Black Forest, Germany. He received his medical degree from the University of Munich and pursued a career in cardiology at the Munich University Hospital. He also holds a Ph.D. in molecular biology from the University of Washington in Seattle. His research has been published and featured in some of the most prestigious national and international medical and science journals, including Nature Medicine and Circulation. Dr Schaub works with patients and clients via phone or skype all over the world. He lives with his wife Danielle in Seattle/WA. Check out the resources on his website and learn more about him!

This is post 77 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

I wrote my post on Emotions for this series to help you understand the importance of having positive emotional vibrations that accompany your intentions to manifest something. I discussed how feeling the excitement about what you seek to manifest is the fuel needed to make your dreams a reality. Generating that emotion can be the hardest part of manifesting, especially if you’re in a bad place or can’t quite wrap your mind around believing that what you want will happen. Saying “empty” affirmations is better than nothing but don’t work as well.

It’s easy to know that you need to affirm your intentions with feeling, but how do you generate the necessary emotions?

I’ve struggled with this many times. Sometimes I could feel little doubts in the back of my head, diffusing the positive vibrations necessary to attract what I wanted, especially in situations that didn’t work out in the past. Old memories would come into my head to remind me that it might not happen and dampen my attempts to generate strong positive emotions. Then frustration set in as I couldn’t do stimulate the vibrations of feelings I knew were needed.

I believe that creating the necessary emotions begins with convincing yourself that you deserve what you’re trying to manifest, and that you’re perfectly capable of getting it.

If you don’t believe you deserve something, that’s the emotion that goes out to the Universe. You may want a promotion really bad but if you worry, even subconsciously, that you won’t be able to do the job, your doubt may be stronger than positive emotions you try to stir. Fear sends out a stronger message too! But even with those feelings you can get to a positive emotional place! I’ve learned to do that and it manifests so much more.

Accept that generating positive emotions can be hard for many of us humans, especially if you’ve experienced many disappointments.

I went for years trying to generate emotions for manifesting, repeating affirmations over and over trying to attract what I wanted. I never noticed that I got more when I really felt the excitement and got little when I didn’t. It didn’t make sense why some things came while others fizzled. Learning about the importance of the vibration sent out was the piece I needed, but it still was hard to manifest excitement over things I doubted or was scared of.

The biggest factor for me has been my strong faith in getting God’s support. That can override almost everything else.

Instead of fighting negative feelings, I began by asking for support in diminishing the thoughts that kept the positive emotions at bay. That made me feel better. Knowing that God was with me enabled me to take more risks. Things would happen that gave me more hope and confidence. That got me excited! The more my faith was reinforced, the more I got excited. The more I got excited, the more I manifested.

You can create a lovely cycle between building faith and manifesting. One can feed the other.

If you’re serious about generating the emotions to manifest, focus on the results, not the process or journey, and the emotions you’ll have when you get there. For example, if you want to have a lot more money, write down all the things you’ll do with it. Picture yourself in situations where the money is yours. Smile at your vision. Feel how good it will be when you get it. Ease yourself into the emotion:

Start by saying something about getting what you want in the future: “I will love having more money!” That’s something you can generate good feelings about since you’re not committing to a belief yet. You would love having more money in the future if it happened. Practice and feel the positive emotions that come with how you’d feel if you had what you want.

Bring it a little more to having it by just identifying the feelings of having it: “Having more money rocks!” It does, doesn’t it. You’re not committing to believing you have it but you’re generating good emotions about it.

Own it: “I have lots of money coming to me!” Bring the emotions from the last 2 into this more concrete statement. Keep affirming this with feeling until you don’t have to force real feelings of excitement.

Own it more by holding onto the emotions you’ve already generated in the other steps: “I have lots more money. Bring it on!” Now you’re talking like it’s a done deal. You may not see it for a while but once you put the emotion out, affirming what you have, the process is in motion. You do have it, and it will show itself at the right time.

Make the affirmation your own. When you have to keep looking at the paper you wrote one on, you’re not feeling it. The best affirmations for creating emotions are in your own words, from your heart. Even if one you see online sounds terrific, Say it the way you’d say anything else.

Just recently I took it to another level, thanks to Angela Artemis, who writes the terrific blog, Mystic Musings and Meditations. I told her about a physical problem I’ve had for years, which both doctors and alternative practitioners hadn’t been able to help me with. It’s not debilitating or harmful, but is very annoying and often interferes with my sleep. Angela is a practitioner of EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) and offered me a treatment. EFT uses some major acupressure points along with strong positive statements about healing. She said it’s helped many people who found no relief with other methods.

Being open, I got the treatment and lessons so I could do it to myself. I did some verbal exercises with Angela as I tapped different points on my head and body. At the end, she helped me come up with the affirmation to use when doing it myself: “I am grateful to be ____free forever!!!” I did it later in the evening and noticed that beginning with “I am grateful__” helped stir my emotions. I can really generate excitement by beginning an affirmation with “I am grateful for___.”

Gratitude is such a strong tool for manifesting, which is why I continue with my Conscious Gratitude list on Yahoo.

I’ve done affirmations to help my issue for years but haven’t had a lot of success. I probably deep down thought it wouldn’t help and my positive emotions weren’t strong after so long with no success. Gratitude gave me fuel for my emotions. If I say, “I have a fantastic new book deal!” when I’m nervous about getting one, it can take time to generate emotions and my subconscious concerns can seep in.
But when I say, “I am grateful” before I affirm what I intend to get, those three words always generate sincere, deep emotion, since I consciously practice gratitude. It’s been astounding for me.

“I am sooooooo grateful” for____. Yeah! Gratitude can truly stir emotions needed to manifest.

Bring gratitude into your intentions! Think about how grateful you are and will be to manifest more. Feel it. Give thanks for it. I even say thanks for getting what I know is coming as if it’s already here since I do understand it IS here—the process of it coming has started and it will show itself at the right time. Trust and be grateful. Let those feelings flow into your affirmations about what you intend to have. As the manifesting begins, the emotions will come easier.

I am so grateful that GREATER success than ever before is coming to me! YEAH!

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Have you ever been called a saint after doing a HUGE favor for someone. It feels good to be recognized for what you do, as well you should! But often striving for sainthood comes at the expense of your own happiness, time and pleasure. Helping others is NOT your obligation. It’s a choice you make.

It’s important to give the boot to going above and beyond when it’s not good for you!

I’m a good person. I try to help people when I can and feel super good when I give back for all my blessings. BUT, and it’s a BIG BUT, I refuse to be Saint Daylle anymore. Saint Daylle was always there for people. She filled in for canceled babysitters (while canceling her own plans to do so), was late for appointments in order to give someone a lift in the opposite direction of where she was going, spent less on herself to fund others, etc. Most of the time I had little energy left for ME. Saint Daylle was also Ms. DoorMat.

Being a saint about helping others can leave you wounded and unhappy.

I know people like that. They brag about all they do for others, as they deal with their own unhappiness. This post was triggered by a woman who told me she offered to stay with a friend’s elderly mother, while her elderly husband was in the hospital. It was that or the woman would be put in a facilituy until he came home. Being a kind soul, Louisa (not her real name) offered to go to her small town for a week and keep the mom company. It turned out to be a tough time that lasted 3 weeks. From there, Louisa went to her sister’s for a week to help with babysitting. She is drained.

Helping others, except for supporting family and close friends’ circumstances that are critical, should not leave you in need of healing.

Louisa missed her regular exercise and routines. She felt like her friend hijacked her time by putting her on the spot to stay longer. She stayed at the expense of her well being. Helping others is a blessing. Sacrificing your own well being to improve someone else’s well being isn’t one. It’s trying to live like a saint, instead of a human being who needs to limit what isn’t good for them. Louisa had been okay with just the one week. But her friends took advantage.

It’s important to turn requests down when it’s something you dread or feel will make you unhappy.

People can spot saints and ask them for favors often. At first you might feel good accommodating them. But too much accommodating leads to anger, frustration, resentment, and in general, an unhappy feeling. This can really take its toll on your health too! Louisa didn’t feel well after and had to get her mojo back. We all need boundaries on how much to help others vs. how much we help ourselves.

Helping others should be just as much as you can comfortably give, not a sacrifice.

When I was a DoorMat, I was afraid people would disappear if I stopped being nice. I thought I was soooooo nice, Ms. Saint. But I was really Ms. Wimp, Ms. Victim. I complained to everyone that people I catered to didn’t reciprocate my kindness. So, I wasn’t really nice. I was an oxymoron—calling myself nice, yet whining to anyone who’d listen about how people weren’t nice to me. I never considered that I should be nice to me.

There’s nothing nice about being unhappy, no matter how many are happy as a result of your sacrifice.

Real saints don’t live human lives on earth. And I do believe that we’re meant to be loving and kind to ourselves first. Focus on your own bliss! I do try to help others when I can in better ways than I could as a saint. But I know the limits for which I can stretch and bend and give up time I need for me. When you take care of yourself first you become happier and stronger. The happier and stronger you become, the better the quality of what you can give to others.

The more you give yourself, the more you have to give on a healthy level.

DoorMat saints are unhappy. Self-empowered nice people who set boundaries on what they do for others are happy. Giving with limits gives you power over your life. Sainthood doesn’t. People may praise you for being a saint if they get what they need from you. But it’s not nice if it leaves you wanting. Does giving and giving and giving make you happy or frustrated? Satisfied or drained? Grateful or resentful?

If you feel any negative emotions from giving, it’s time to reevaluate what you do.

I must confess. I get a giddy feeling at times when I tell someone I can’t do something that I don’t want to do. I love having free time because I said no. Plus, after so many years of always going along with what others wanted from me, feeling in control of my life is awesome! That control is reinforced with the boundaries I set. You must protect your time, because it’s very valuable! Kick out any situations that drain you, unless it’s special circumstances for a family member or loyal friend.

When you let go of feeling obligated to be a saint for everyone and become an angel for yourself, life improves on a beautiful level!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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