Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Law of Attraction in Action: Flowing with Situations

This is post 84 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

Nobody’s life flows smoothly, without any road bumps and glitches. Mine sure doesn’t. People think of me as having a particularly blessed life. I do! But it’s not because it always go smoothly. I trust the process enough to go with the flow instead of lamenting over situations I don’t like or trying to control it too much. Trusting that you’ll get what you need at the right time keeps you relaxed and in a positive mindset for the Law of Attraction to work well with you. Holding on to your negative emotions about what happened, or didn’t happen, attracts more disappointing outcomes.

Stuff happens that feels out of your control. But it’s not if you control your thoughts about it and flow with what happens instead of creating negative thoughts about it.

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis said, “I have been through a lot and I have suffered a great deal. But I have had lots of happy moments, as well. Every moment one lives is different from the other. The good, the bad, hardship, the joy, the tragedy, love and happiness are all interwoven into one single, indescribable whole that is called LIFE. You cannot separate the good from the bad. And perhaps there is no need to do so, either.”

Everyone’s life will have its ups and downs. That’s how it works.

I remember when I read Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. I love this book! Someone who came to one of my workshops told me about it. I said I hadn’t read it and she sent it as a gift. “Coincidentally,” it arrived just after my dad passed away, when I was feeling down. Knowing that she sent it as an act of pure kindness perked up my spirits. I can’t say it balanced the feelings that went with my loss but it did bring some smiles to me. And I probably appreciated the book more than if it had arrived during a very happy period. The book is Walsch’s account of conversations he had with God. It both enlightened and delighted me, as this was the God I believe in!

In the book God explains that without negative occurrences, we wouldn’t appreciate the positive ones.

I agree wholeheartedly. If things always went well, we wouldn’t even recognize our blessings since there would be no contrast. Our blessings would just be life, which we’d soon take for granted. Viewing it that way has made me appreciate when things happen which I don’t like. Those times keep me grounded in appreciation of all the good stuff! It’s important to understand this. People tell me there’s no God if this or that happened to them, or, they think God hates them if something they wanted could go so wrong. These kind of thoughts don’t send a good message to the Universe and the Law of Attraction will pick up the negative vibes. You know what you’ll attract form that!

Recognizing the blessings in the down parts of life helps you move past them without getting too caught up in negativity and sends trust in getting a good outcome when the time is right.

For everything, I believe if It’s meant to be, it will be. And I can accept that now in complete faith. Relax and trust that if something goes wrong, it wasn’t meant to be. Don’t worry about whether you did something wrong or you’re being punished or that God doesn’t love you. If you did do something wrong, it was because it wasn’t right for you. Years ago I noticed a pattern in dating. With some guys I’d say things that put them off. I was aware I did it but couldn’t stop myself. Later I’d be angry at myself. Then I realized it was a sign that the guy wasn’t right for me. Now when I do it I accept that it’s to prevent not wasting more time than necessary. I didn’t do it with the good guy I ended up in a relationship with!

Learn to flow with what life brings you. Don’t put yourself on an emotional seesaw ride in either direction.

When I was a DoorMat, if something good happened I’d get over the top excited. Then if something fell through, it was a long drop down to my disappointment. A friend noticed this pattern and implored me to get off the seesaw. She was right. It was one of the first lessons I learned as I prepared to leave DoorMatville. Be kinder to yourself during stressful or disappointing times. And temper your response to goodies. Yes, I do try to enjoy the latter fully, but I don’t blow them out of proportion like I used to. When you live in the moment, take the initial joy and let situations unfold.

Send a clear message that you trust that the good you want is coming, with faith and a light heart. Be patient. When things don’t go well, look for all the things you can still be happy about and let that carry you through any negatives. Then watch for more joy you’ll attract with those thoughts!

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..

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Healthy Needs

What do you need? Many of us use the word in reference to what we think we lack and make what we think we need too important for our happiness, or even for our existence. A need is a requirement, something you MUST have. Yet we often make our needs more about what we like, and think we MUST have to feel good about ourselves and our lives.

Oxygen, nutrition, and sleep are good examples of real needs. Designer shoes or a fancy car are not!

It’s important to recognize what really is a need and distinguish it from a superficial desire or wanting to attain what you’ve been taught you must have to be complete or “good enough.” When I was a DoorMat I believed my NEEDS were never met because I wasn’t happy. Looking back, my NEEDS right now are so much different. In DoorMatville, my biggest NEED was to be liked by everyone. Now I know that’s impossible, especially if I want to be liked for the right reason.

Needing to be liked fuels being a People Pleaser. Then you’re buying friends with favors and more, so you’re not liked for yourself.

Now that I’ve left DoorMatville, I only want to be liked for who I am, not for what I do. And it’s no longer tied to a need. I do my best and am grateful for those who appreciate it. I also went for many years thinking I needed a man in my life or I wouldn’t be whole or good enough. There’s definitely judgment about women who don’t have a partner. I still get asked about my love life likes it’s super important to the askers, who are often not even friends. Women do get critiqued a lot on this topic! But, I no longer care what they think!

The only one I NEED to be liked by is ME! And MY approval is the only approval I NEED.

Everyone else who likes me is a gift, not the fulfillment of a need. My real needs are simpler now. I do NOT need a man to complete me. When I’m in a good relationship, my life improves, just as it improves from my good relationships with family and friends. I need food to live but don’t NEED unhealthy foods I crave, like sugar and salty snacks. Yes, I like them and occasionally indulge. But, I rarely allow myself to NEED a bag of chips to be happy, like I used to.

People look at material possessions as needs when they aren’t happy.

When you feel a driving need for something, ask yourself why you need it, and be honest. Is it something you just want very badly or is it essential for your well-being. Are you looking to fulfill this need in order to find happiness? Fulfilling your need may give you a short period of feeling better but eventually you’ll look for more things to fill the happiness hole. I did, until it finally got through to me that my priority NEED should be to do what I could to heal myself inside and love myself to true happiness. That is truly the most satisfying need to materialize.

Distinguish between essential needs, healthy needs, lifestyle needs and those that are ego-based.

Essential needs are what you literally can’t live without, like air and water. They are essential. Healthy needs are those things that maintain your body and soul, such as regular dental visits, making time for your spirit, etc. They are very important so you nurture good health, both physical and mental. Lifestyle needs nurture your quality of life, such as exercise, eating healthy, using products to take good care of your skin, losing weight for health reasons, not to attract or please someone, and having a supportive group of people.

Ego-based needs refer to the shoes you can’t live without, making having a partner an important necessity, being obsessed with having every single new tech device, and other material things you make needs for being happy. Ego is “I NEED to lose 3 pounds” “I NEED to meet a celebrity” “I NEED the latest iPad” etc. If these things aren’t critical for your life, you don’t NEED them. You WANT them. The first 3 types of NEEDS are healthy if not taken to an extreme.

Ego-based needs are superficial and will usually not contribute to long-term happiness, though you may think they will.

Needing to go on a crash diet is never healthy! You don’t need to get plastic surgery for better skin, to be married, to have a bigger house than your friends, to find someone to have sex with, to be rich, etc. I’m not putting any of it down. These are desires and if you want them it’s your choice. But, put them into perspective as desires, not needs. You can live without them all. You might not want to but you can. Next time you think you NEED something, think about if it’s truly a need. Use this acronym for NEEDS:

Necessary
Essential
Ego-free
Dependable
Significant

Is it really something you can live without or a desire you’d like to manifest? Declaring something as a need makes getting it essential to your happiness. You can live without most desires. You can survive and be happy if you’re not a size 2 or you aren’t sexually fulfilled by a person for a while or you have to budget a little more or your colleague gets a nicer office. You might not like it but you can still find other ways to be happy. But if you look at everything you desire as a NEED, it increases their importance to levels that can make you stressed or depressed if you pursue them as such. Or, not getting them keeps you from being happy.

Make yourself happy on the inside first, and be as self-loving as you can. It makes it much easier to change pressing needs into things that would be nice to have but aren’t essential for your happiness to flow and grow. As I focus on my real needs, life gets better and better. Then I can also put energy into fulfilling desires.

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Law of Attraction in Action: Being Ethical

This is post 83 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

Many of us have that moment of decision—do I give the money back to the cashier who gave me a ten dollar bill instead of a one? Do I tell the person they made a mistake that benefits me? People sometimes make mistakes in our favor. Saving money is an enticing reason to keep your mouth shut about mistakes that positively affect you. But is it good for you in the long run?

Being ethical about mistakes that benefit you will attract more good benefits than a short-term gain at someone else’s expense.

I admit that I’ve kept my mouth shut when a cashier gave me too much and reveled in getting some extra money. Later I’d feel guilty. Will someone else have to pay more to make up the shortage or get into trouble because of it? So my benefit led me to negative feelings. It’s not worth it!

The Law of Attraction picks up on dishonesty and returns it to you in ways you might not recognize but that do feel negative.

On the other hand, honesty about mistakes people make brings good rewards. People who find wallets or expensive items someone lost and return them often get a cash reward. Even better is the good feeling you get when someone is grateful that you take the time to return their belongings. Knowing you’ve done the right thing is a reward in itself.

The Law of Attraction responds well to honesty in how you handle other people’s mistakes.

I had a small but significant example of that over the weekend. I was on my way to a full day workshop and stopped to get coffee at a self-service place. Besides my coffee, I decided to get a danish for later in the day since I’d be sitting for so long. It was almost $3. The cashier thought it was a bagel and rang up a dollar and small change. Hmm, I’d save almost 2 bucks! But I knew it wasn’t right and told her what it was. I joked that she could still ring it as a bagel, and she did, saying she appreciated my honesty since few people admit mistakes.

Choosing not to take advantage of someone’s mistake can lead to you saving money anyway!

The cashier ended up just giving me the danish! She said she was entitled to a free one and I could have it. So I ended up paying less than if I’d kept her mistake quiet! It showed me the power of not taking advantage of other people’s mistakes. Sometimes it returns to you more subtlely and you may not recognize it. But, know that it does. That’s a good motivation to be ethical in how you make decisions.

Joseph Sugarman said, “Each time you are honest and conduct yourself with honesty, a success force will drive you toward greater success.”

My life didn’t change much because I saved 3 bucks on my danish. It did change because the incident strengthened my perspective on being ethical. My reward was in the response from the woman toward my honesty. She said most people wouldn’t have corrected her. By doing so, I paid less! The LOA does read the energy and bring good back for being ethical.

Think before you revel in a bargain gotten because someone made a mistake.

They might have to pay for it from their hard earned wages. It’s better to be honest and not take what’s not yours. Being ethical will reward you. It might not happen immediately like it did to me but some time down the road it will come back to you. Even if you don’t know how you attracted something good, know that acting in an ethical way does attract good stuff.

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..

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Want vs. Expect

My last post in my Law of Attraction in Action Series was Don’t Ask! Give Thanks Instead! The Law of Attraction responds better to an intention that says thanks for what you expect instead of asking for it, with the possibility of not receiving. Asking with intention can have a similar affect on people. If you ask with intention your request will be taken more seriously. For example, if you have an employee who comes late every day, which do you think will make them heed you more?

• “You’re always late and I want you to come on time from now on.”
• “Your job starts at 9 and that’s when I expect you to be here at that time from now on.”

Both statements express dissatisfaction. The first one says you don’t like her being late and you want her to be on time. We want a lot of things we don’t get or we aren’t prepared to do something about. The second statement makes it clear what you expect. It’s more definitive and the person will take it more seriously, knowing they’ve been given a clear warning. This can work in all areas of your life.

It’s important to ask for what you need with conviction and a clear expectation.

If you sound apologetic or unsure, people won’t take your request seriously. Fake conviction! When you’re apologetic or seem like you expect a bad response, you’ll probably get one. Are you really sorry to bother a friend you’ve done a gazillion favors for about keeping his word to do something for you? Or do you feel bad about bugging someone to repay the loan you made months ago when they agreed to give it back in a week?

“You gave me your word and I expect you to keep it. Please have it by Friday.” The person not paying should be guilty, not you!

If something in your apartment has been broken for a while and maintenance doesn’t come, don’t continue to ask, “Can you fix it?” Instead, say, “When will you fix it? Or, should I call management to see if there’s another option?” Smile when you say it. Your words will get the point across. No need to beg for service you’re entitled to. There are lots of lazy people you’ll have to deal with but you can get them moving by being clear about what you expect.

When it comes to getting good service, ask with expectation—“HOW will you rectify this?” instead of “can you?” Don’t ask IF they’ll help. The choice should be from where and how help will come.

Once I sat next to a woman at a conference who complained that her hotel had no hot water for 3 nights. She complained to the front desk to no avail and felt frustrated by the lack of consideration from the staff. She felt she should get something off her bill but doubted it could happen. I advised her not to ask IF they’d give her something off her bill. Instead, Jeri should ask how much they’d take off it, as a given that it would happen.

Putting out your expectation shows you mean business.

In a situation where you feel stiffed or wronged and believe you’re entitled to compensation, the question should be, “How much” rather than asking if you can get something. Don’t get confrontational. Let your words and the conviction behind them send the message in a calm way. Jeri went to the manager and said what we practiced. “I’d like to know what adjustment the hotel will make to my bill because of the water situation.” The manager immediately made an offer that was more than satisfactory.

Don’t approach a situation with antagonism. Just quietly and firmly state your expectations.

When people know you mean business and expect specific compensation or actions, they’re more likely to give you what you want. Of course you don’t want to bully people so be fair about what you expect. But if someone isn’t giving you the service you should get or a friend is taking advantage or your romantic partner is hurting you with inappropriate behavior, firmly let them know what you expect. The key is being prepared to take further action if you don’t get results.

The person who is ready to walk away or make the calls to higher people or take decisive action are the ones most likely to get the results they want.

Make sure your words and tone show that you’re serious about what you expect. I once had a boyfriend who was known for his biting sarcasm. People complained about some hurtful barbs he’d inflicted on them to no avail. He’d just laugh and say it was just his way. When he did it to me, I said it was unacceptable and that better be the last time. He knew I meant it and he never did it to me again. His friends were shocked at how nicely he always spoke to me. They complained. I let him know what I expected. There is a difference!

Affirm to yourself why you deserve what you’re asking for.

Accept your right to receive! Your attitude shouldn’t reflect doubt. You’re worthy of receiving! Anger instigates a confrontational mindset, which can rile you. Apologies or asking without conviction gets ignored. Instead, resolve situations with clear words spoken in a friendly manner, with a tone that indicates you expect results. Be clear that you expect a situation to be remedied. For example, instead of complaining about your hotel room and ASKING for another, say, “My room is unacceptable. How soon can I move?” Expressing expectations gives no other options!

Get good results by staying calm. Once emotions show, you’ve lost control. In a rational, friendly but firm tone, explain what you expect and thank the person for cooperating. That shows that you expect cooperation! The nicer you say it, the more people respond positively.

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