Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Loving Gifts

We all know that the economy isn’t so great for many people. Many are cutting back on spending. With the season of gift-giving bearing down on us, it’s good to think about gifts that don’t cost anything but that can be a blessing to others, and to yourself. I was thinking about things that make me happy to receive and to give and shall share them here:

Compliments?: A kind word to someone can brighten their day. Expressing appreciation for how someone looks or something they did can be a tonic for many. While I have great self-esteem now, I still love when someone has complimentary words for how I look. You might not think it but men love compliments too! We often give them more to women but everyone likes to feel appreciated or know that you recognize their good qualities. So be generous about letting people know what you like about them.

Heartfelt thank yous: Nobody likes to be taken for granted. Often we just expect people in our lives to do the things they do for us and don’t stop to let them know we appreciate it. You might not actually feel appreciation if you take someone for granted. But you should! ?Expressing appreciation for what others do is a form of gratitude, and gratitude brings many gifts. Think about what people in your life do for you and tell them it isn’t unnoticed.

Sending a handwritten note in this age of quickly written emails makes you stand out and is usually valued by the recipient. I still remember people who sent me a personal thank you note in the mail after hearing me speak. Notes matter! Send a card to your mom or a friend when it isn’t an occasion, just to say they’re special. That can be better than anything you buy.

Active listening?: There’s listening—being there, nodding appropriately but not really processing what’s being said as you wait for your turn to speak. And then there’s listening with respect and caring. The latter is a gift. When someone comes to you with a serious concern, make listening about them only. Ask questions to show you’re paying full attention. Let them know you care and are willing to put your personal thoughts aside to give them your full focus. This is a gift that will bring you great rewards in return!

Love: I don’t mean romantic love or the deep love you have for family, though that’s good too. Be a loving kind of person to others—warm, friendly, caring. I love being that way. ?I hug people a lot. Most know to expect one for hello and goodbye. I have a friend who is very undemonstrative. She didn’t have much love growing up and has a hard time expressing it. Whenever I’d go to give her a hug she’d stiffen up and didn’t quite hug me in return. Her hands would just kind of pat my back. I thought it made her uncomfortable so once when saying goodbye, I didn’t reach out to hug her. Surprisingly, she came forward with her arms out, waiting for one. She didn’t know how to receive love but liked the hugs just the same. Hugs are very therapeutic for everyone.

Support: A wonderful gift is to give support that THE PERSON needs. I emphasized THE PERSON because often people offer the support they think the person needs, or that they want to give. Men get into trouble with their romantic partner when they try to tell them how to fix a problem instead of just offering supportive words or asking, “What do you need from me?” Many folks give what according to their own agendas. When my mom passed away suddenly from an accident, one friend kept calling me, asking sadly how I was doing. Her whole attitude was negative.

I explained I’d rather she call less. I’d be counting the blessings about my Mom, feeling grateful for my wonderful memories, and she’d call and depress me. She drove me so crazy that I had to tell her that she was the cause of me feeling down. She indignantly said that if it were her, she’d want people to hover. But I wasn’t her and had to eventually get mean to stop her depressing calls. Letting someone know you’re there if needed is often support enough. While I’ve never called my neighbor who said I could call even in the middle of the night if I had a problem, I feel good knowing I can.

Smiles. Smiling and a cheerful demeanor put people into good moods. It will put you into a better mood too! BE generous with smiles and an upbeat mood.

Time. Making time to spend with those you care about can be the biggest gift of all. Often we’re so busy we forget to visit friends and loved ones or postpone calling them and they feel neglected, even if they don’t tell you. Studies show that good relationships with others can give the biggest positive boost to your health. Making time allows you to feel the love too! It also helps you to prevent regrets if something happens to a loved one.

These gifts will enrich the lives of those on the receiving end and enrich yours too! Think about who you can give these gifts from the heart to. And for ideas for material gifts to give, you can check out my blog post from last yearGiving Gifts that Nurture People & Our Planetwhere I reviewed some wonderful products that nurture. And don’t forget to do or get something(s) special for YOU!

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Change Your Brain, Change Your Life!

Today I’m delighted to have an excerpt from a fantastic new book, Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience Of Happiness, Love & Wisdom (New Harbinger Publications, November 2009), by Rick Hanson, Ph.D. and Richard Mendius, MD., which provides a Buddhist path to changing your brain in order to improve your life.

Taking in the Good
from Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience Of Happiness, Love & Wisdom
by Rick Hanson, Ph.D. and Richard Mendius, MD

I am larger, better than I thought;
I did not know I held so much goodness.
—Walt Whitman, “Song of the Open Road”

Much as your body is built from the foods you eat, your mind is built from the experiences you have. The flow of experience gradually sculpts your brain, thus shaping your mind. Some of the results are explicit recollections: this is what I did last summer; that is how I felt when I was in love. But most of the results remain forever unconscious. This is called implicit memory, and it includes your expectations, models of relationships, emotional tendencies, and general outlook. Implicit memory establishes the interior landscape of your mind—what it feels like to be you. In other words, you are largely what you (implicitly) remember, the slowly accumulating residues of lived experience.

In a sense, those residues can be sorted into two piles: those that benefit you and others, and those that cause harm. To paraphrase the Wise Effort section of Buddhism’s Noble Eightfold Path, it will help you to create, preserve, and increase beneficial implicit memories, and prevent, eliminate, or decrease harmful ones.

The Negativity Bias of Memory
But here’s the problem: your brain preferentially scans for, registers, stores, recalls, and reacts to unpleasant experiences; as we’ve said, it’s like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones. Consequently, even when positive experiences outnumber negative ones, the pile of negative implicit memories naturally grows faster. Then the background feeling of what it feels like to be you becomes undeservedly glum and pessimistic.

Sure, negative experiences do have benefits: loss opens the heart, remorse provides a moral compass, anxiety alerts you to threats, and anger spotlights wrongs that should be righted. But do you really think you’re not having enough negative experiences?! Emotional pain with no benefit to yourself or others is pointless suffering. And pain today breeds more pain tomorrow. For instance, even a single episode of major depression can reshape circuits of the brain to make future episodes more likely.

The remedy is not to suppress negative experiences; when they happen, they happen. Rather, it is to foster positive experiences—and in particular, to really take them in so they become a permanent part of you.

Here’s how, in three steps:

1. Turn positive facts into positive experiences. Good things keep happening all around us, but much of the time we don’t notice them; even when we do, we hardly feel them. Someone is nice to you, you see an admirable quality in yourself, a flower is blooming, you finished a difficult project—and it all just rolls by. Instead, actively look for good news, particularly the little stuff of daily life: the faces of children, the smell of an orange, a memory from a happy vacation, a minor success at work, and so on. Whatever positive facts you find, bring a mindful awareness to them—open up to them and let them affect you. It’s like sitting down to a banquet: don’t just look at it—dig in!

2. Savor the experience. It’s delicious! Make it last by staying with it for 5, 10, even 20 seconds; don’t let your attention skitter off to something else. Focus on your emotions and body sensations, since these are the essence of implicit memory. Let the experience fill your body and be as intense as possible. For example, if someone is good to you, let the feeling of being cared about bring warmth to your whole chest.

Pay particular attention to the rewarding aspects of the experience—for example, how good it feels to get a great big hug from someone you love. Focusing on these rewards increases dopamine release, which makes it easier to keep giving the experience your attention, and strengthens its neural associations in implicit memory. You’re not doing this to cling to the rewards—which would make you suffer—but rather to internalize them so that you carry them inside you and don’t need to reach for them in the outer world.

The longer that something is held in awareness and the more emotionally stimulating it is, the more neurons that fire and thus wire together, and the stronger the trace in memory (Lewis 2005). While you’re savoring an experience, your amygdala is busily highlighting its positive emotional meaning for your hippocampus, which integrates that information into its packaging of the experience for storage in long-term memory.

You can also intensify an experience by deliberately enriching it. For example, if you are savoring a relationship experience, you could call up other feelings of being loved by others, which will help stimulate oxytocin—the “bonding hormone”—and deepen your sense of relatedness. Or you could strengthen your feelings of satisfaction after completing a demanding project by thinking about some of the challenges you had to overcome.

3. Imagine or feel the experience is sinking deeply into your mind and body, like warm sun into a T-shirt, water into a sponge, or a jewel placed in a treasure chest in your heart. Keep relaxing your body and absorbing the emotions, sensations, and thoughts of the experience.

Rick Hanson, Ph.D., is a neuropsychologist and meditation teacher. A summa cum laude graduate of the University of California, Los Angeles, he cofounded the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom and edits the Wise Brain Bulletin. http://www.wisebrain.org Check out Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience Of Happiness, Love & Wisdom if you want to take more control of your life in a mindful way by learning more tips like the ones in this excerpt. This has a Buddhist approach, which I fully agree with, because it focuses on your inner well-being, which radiates out to all th eareas of your life. I’ll be reviewing this book next mo

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Law of Attraction in Action: Self-Acceptance

This is post 63 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

I got a huge response to my recent posting in this series about Perfection. Many people emailed me directly, or Twittered the post. It emphasized how many people struggle with their desire to get over their need to be perfect. So now I’ll address the importance of accepting yourself in your own imperfect yet wonderful skin.

I said that focusing on your imperfections is the opposite of having gratitude. It also makes it hard to love yourself. How can you even like yourself if you’re making a big deal out of what’s wrong with you!?! Not loving yourself keeps you from attracting love. It also impedes self-acceptance.

A lack of self-acceptance attracts all sorts of things that you don’t want and feeds low self-esteem.

Not loving yourself sends a message that you don’t deserve or aren’t worthy of attracting good things. Loving yourself as you are sets a positive tone for receiving. Striving to be perfect puts the focus on what you don’t have instead of what you do have. It makes your thoughts negative.

And where your focus goes, the Law of Attraction goes.

So you often don’t manifest what you want, and wonder why the Law of Attraction doesn’t work for you. But it does. Your negative view of yourself for not being perfect attracts more negatives. Several people wrote asking for help with letting go of a need for perfection. Some said their obsession with perfection alienated loved ones, ruined relationships, annoyed co-workers, etc. There’s no short answer for changing the perfection mindset but I’ll give some suggestions. I want to learn to love yourself so you can attract a happier life.

You can’t just “let go of” a need to be perfect. Your perfection habits may have been with you for your whole life. So, it will take time to undo them.

When I was a DoorMat, I thought too little of myself to think I could look perfect but I sure tried to please everyone perfectly. My need for perfection was related to others. DoorMats go above and beyond to do what others need from them, sometimes to the point of annoying people with their efforts. I actually had to cool it with a friend who went so over the top to please me that it drove me crazy. Nothing I said could make her stop. We’re still friendly but I avoid making plans with her.

Attempts to be perfect can actually do damage to you and those around you. It can push people away and wound your spirit.

When someone asked me for help in my DoorMat days, I didn’t just help, I HELPED. Could I babysit? Sure, and I’ll also cook your kids a meal and drive them home. Can I loan money? Sure, and pay me back when it’s convenient, which often ended up as never, but I’d still lend more. I wanted to be the perfect friend. But the more perfect I was for others, the more I hurt me. As my self-esteem increased, I knew I had to stop trying to be such a perfect friend. So I set about to break the perfection habit. You can break yours too! To break your perfection habit:

* Pay attention to your expectations. What are you beating yourself up over? What are you trying to improve? Why is it so important? Being aware can help you realize you can live as an imperfect human being.

*Ask yourself how it makes you feel to pursue perfection? If it doesn’t feel good, it isn’t good! Period! You want thoughts and intentions that attract happy circumstances, not make you feel bad or inadequate.

* ACCEPT that nobody can be perfect, including you. You don’t have to like that but it’s the truth. With acceptance, change can come. This step can take a long time. Even if you can’t process it into your behavior yet, ACCEPT that this is true.

* Ask, “Am I willing to try to let go of the need to be perfect?” WILLING is key. It can take years and may be hard, but are you WILLING to TRY? Once you’re willing to try, you’ll be more open to doing it, in as many steps as it takes.

* Ask, “Am I willing to try to accept myself as I am?” Self-acceptance is the antidote to needing to be perfect. The more I accepted me, the more I was able to ease up on perfectly pleasing others.

* Become determined to win the battle that may ensue in your head as you try to convince yourself to stop striving to be perfect. Prepare to win! Use affirmations to quiet the voices that push you to go for perfection.

* Say, “I love and accept myself as I am,” over and over to strengthen your resolve. Say it in the mirror. Say it aloud when you’re alone. You might not like and accept yourself but saying it over and over, preferably with conviction even if it’s faked, sends a message to the Universe that will return to support you. When I began saying it I didn’t like me. But as I continued to say it, something in me clicked. I realized I deserve love and my own acceptance.

* List your good qualities. We all have them. When you look for things you like about yourself, you’ll find them. Focus on your assets instead of what you don’t have. It feels a lot better.

* Give yourself lots of LOVE! Doing loving things for yourself will stoke self-love, which helps you to truly accept yourself. Treat yourself regularly! Be kinder when it comes to you. As it makes you feel good, love is easier to attract.

* Have patience. There can be a big distance between point A—believing that only perfection will make you happy—and point B—accepting your imperfect self as you are. Don’t try to rush getting there. Little teeny baby steps can eventually get you to point B. It took me years to get to a place of total self-acceptance. I’d still like a better body but I love what I have, flab and all. Each bit of progress nurtures self-love and helps you let go of the perfection myth.

Nobody is perfect. Some people just hide their flaws better than others.

The biggest antidote to seeking perfection is self-acceptance. And I’ll tell you a secret—the more you accept yourself in your current skin, the more confident you’ll feel. It shows in how you carry yourself and when you have it, i
t masks a lot of imperfections that you may see that others won’t. When I hated myself for not being thin, I felt fat and attracted less guys. No that I see myself as hot and curvy, I attract a lot more.

Confidence is appealing in romance, at work and in life in general. Self-acceptance stimulates that!

So tell the Universe you’re good enough now. You can still seek to improve yourself. I do. But I no longer have perfection as my brass ring. If I can get my body healthier, I’m happy. Losing weight is a side effect. I no longer try to be like women I see on TV. Nor do I envy them. Do your best at work; be a friend without sacrificing yourself; paint or do music or another art activity for enjoyment, not to push yourself harder than necessary. You lose the joy when you do.

It’s YOUR CHOICE—keep rejecting your imperfect but wonderful self or CHOOSE to live in a more joyful state of self-acceptance.

When you can relax and love yourself in your current package, you’ll attract so many wonderful emotions, and more love. It sends a wonderful vibe and message to the Universe that gets returned with things you deserve. Positive thoughts attract positive situations. Happiness really rocks more than anything else you can attract. You absolutely can develop self-acceptance if you are willing to.

I truly love myself deeply now. I do loving things for me every day. It still blows me away that after hating myself for so many years I can love myself this much! I want to be happy and relaxed. Striving for perfection will prevent that. If you saw me you’d know I’m not perfect. I have extra pounds and cellulite. I can be lazy when I need to work, sloppy when I get lazy, I’m getting older so my skin have more imperfections and I can annoy people when I talk too much. But that’s ME, and I accept it all. I don’t love my flab or annoying habits but they’re not who I am. I really truly love me! YEAH! Join me in this love fest!

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..

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I am thankful for….

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. While I count my blessings every day on my


My wonderful, supportive friends and family.

My brother in law had a clear PET scan after going through heavy treatment for cancer.

That I developed the guts to reinvent myself after being an unhappy schoolteacher to becoming a successful author, speaker, self-empowerment counselor and music industry consultant.

Having a career that fulfills me that I LOVE.

Sticking to my vows to live a passion driven life.

Being able to touch the lives of people from around the world with my writing.

Having exceptionally good health.

Loving the apartment I live in—heart of midtown Manhattan eastside, overlooking trees, lot of light and space, peaceful.

Always having enough money for what I want.

Feeling very positive about my life.

Being able to do what I want, how I want, when I want.

Getting to travel.

Being content with who I am and getting older because I know I keep getting better!

All of you who support my blog.

Writing this from the Berkshire Mountains in CT where my sister has a house and my whole family is here.

My BIGGEST, BIGGEST, BIGGEST, blessing is my total faith in God! It sustains me and allows me to manifest whatever I need.

And, not being a DoorMat anymore.

Please share your blessings in the comments section right below!

Happy Thanksgiving to you all and may you recognize MANY blessings!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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posted 12:01:44pm Apr. 08, 2014 | read full post »

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