Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

This is post 86 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

Have you ever felt like life was against you? That stuff was happening that seemed out of your control, which kept you from moving forward or blocked what you thought you should have? Instead of stopping to monitor your thoughts to see what might be blocking what you want, even subconsciously, it’s easier to blame it all on circumstances.

Using circumstances as an excuse for not progressing is an excuse that keeps you stuck. I know, because I still occasionally do it. It can seem easier to wait for circumstances to change than just go for what you want. For example:

• I have to help my cousin move so I can’t start my project now.
• My romantic partner is going through tough times so I must keep my time free to support him/her.
• The economy is bad so it’s not a good time to start my business.
• They’re predicting rain so I can’t do those errands I keep putting off.

Using circumstances as an excuse tells the Universe you’re not ready for what you say you want. Playing the blame game can make you not even want to try. When the Law of Attraction supports your excuses, it becomes harder to get past them. Letting circumstances justify not doing everything you can makes you feel better in the short run but worse later on when you’re frustrated by not achieving what you want. Circumstances are one of the biggest deterrents to realizing dreams and reaching goals. It’s an easy excuse since there are always circumstances that seem beyond your control. That’s part of life.

It’s YOUR choice—let circumstances get the best of you or find ways to overcome them.

If you want to overcome them, show the Universe your intention with actions. Just because something is going on that makes it harder, doesn’t mean you can’t find a way to do what you want. Limit the time you can help your cousin and make time for your project. Making time for you makes you stronger for your partner. Accept that there’s no good time to start a business and even in a bad economy, people are starting businesses that survive. If it may rain, bring an umbrella!

People looking for an excuse to not succeed embrace circumstances.

Those who intend to succeed do so despite circumstances. If you want the Law of Attraction to keep the circumstances coming, let them rule your decisions and actions. If you prefer to get support for success, do what’s necessary despite the circumstances. Begin by listening to yourself speak about your goals so you can recognize how your thoughts hold you back:

• “I do want to_____ but…” But usually states why you think you can’t do something and the circumstances supporting this belief. And if you think you can’t do something, you probably won’t be able to do it.

• “I have to postpone doing_____ because…” Because lays out your excuse and the circumstances that will keep you locked out of doing it.

• “I’d______ if…” If means if circumstances were different you’d do it but this is how it is so you can’t. Or better, you won’t.

All of these tell the Universe you intend to stagnate using circumstances as a reason to do so. People who truly want to succeed demonstrate this intention by finding ways to get around circumstances or using them to motivate more determination and desire to succeed instead of using them as roadblocks. So much is about perception—your personal view of what’s going on. I live like George Bernard Shaw, who said,

The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstance they want and if they can’t find them they make them.

When you find yourself using circumstances to postpone or procrastinate about your goals, ask yourself for the real reason and if you want it badly enough. If you don’t want it badly enough, continue to wallow in circumstances excuses, Otherwise, figure out what’s really behind your procrastination and find ways around it. Are you scared to try or worried you won’t be able to accomplish what you want? The only way to find out is to try.

Once you become determined to work around the circumstance, you’ll attract what you need to do so. Try to take a step forward today! I’d never be about to have my 12th book published had I not gotten around the circumstances I used as excuses for years block me. It was never the right time till I decided it was. Then circumstances became irrelevant as the Law of Attraction supported my intentions to succeed. You can too! ?

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I went out for lunch on Saturday and ordered a sandwich that came with bacon and French fries. I haven’t had fries in ages and love them. So I ate them. Every single one of them! No guilt at all. I try to eat healthy most of the time but enjoy unhealthy splurges occasionally. My main concern is to not let unhealthy eating spiral out of control.

I don’t eat healthy to lose weight. I do it because I love me and want to be healthy as an act of self-love.

The next day I went for brunch with some friends. I ordered something healthier than the day before and said to someone, “I’m being a good girl today since I ate unhealthy yesterday.” He looked at me like I had 2 heads and then challenged my use of “good girl.” He knows I’m a confident woman who is comfortable with my eating and questioned why I referred to myself as a good girl for eating healthier. Was I a bad girl the day before for eating bacon and fries?

Wow! It hit me hard! This was a perfect example of why I call myself a Recovering DoorMat!

Old habits die hard. Using good girl is a residual from my DoorMat days—an automatic response to something I should or shouldn’t do—a childlike response going back to the past. I rarely do that and my friend picked up on it right away as it was so unlike my usual attitude. He reminded me I was a good girl the day before too. And I was! I had a craving for a club sandwich with bacon and fries and ate it. I no longer have the craving and enjoyed my meal thoroughly.

Too often we judge ourselves too harshly for not being perfect.

I pride myself on eating healthy. In my DoorMat days I had no willpower. I was often a “bad girl” for my food habits. Self-hatred makes it easier to call yourself names like I did. It originated with all the messages about body image and the importance of being thin. As a child I was chastised by extended family for my eating. My parents didn’t limit my eating but at gatherings, there was always someone telling me not to have the dessert or potatoes or I’d get fat and no guy would want me. As I got older I associated eating unhealthy foods with being a bad girl.

Many of us feel guilt or shame about eating something fattening or unhealthy. That’s why there are so many sneak eaters.

I was thrilled that my friend stopped my good girl/bad girl thoughts. I laughed as it hit me. After coming so far from DoorMatville, I’m not perfect, and that’s perfectly okay! My friend was right—I’m always a good girl, even if I make choices that aren’t the best for me or do things others don’t like. Loving myself allows self-forgiveness and tolerance. After all, I truly choose to be my own best friend and I’d never treat a best friend like that!

Be careful about how you let other people’s values affect the attitude you treat yourself with! Be your own best friend instead and shield yourself with kinder words.

Practice self-love as much as you can. It’s the greatest defense against seeing yourself as a bad girl or guy for making a choice that wouldn’t be viewed as the best but it was something you wanted. Splurges that make you happy are loving, not something to feel bad about. I’m glad I had my sandwich with fries and will have them again when I’m in the mood. Self-love keeps me from getting into the mood for unhealthy foods too often.

Love yourself enough to cut yourself slack and keep a positive view no matter what you do!

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This is post 85 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

I recently heard Peter Shankman speak. He’s an entrepreneur, author, speaker, and founder of HARO (Help a Reporter Out), a service that connects journalists with expert sources. Peter is known for taking big risks in his entrepreneurial endeavors. I plan to have an interview with him shortly. He has accomplished a lot of amazing endeavors. And he pointed out something about reaching success that most people don’t think about.

Peter said, “Have a plan for when you succeed.”

Hmm… That sounds logical, doesn’t it? The more you plan for success, the stronger the message you put out that you plan to succeed. Yet what do most of us do? We plan for failure. You may not see it as that. While it’s practical to have contingency plans in case something doesn’t work, it tells the Universe you don’t think you’ll succeed. Hello! That’s what the Law of Attraction will more likely return to you.

People tend to put much more into plans for something not succeeding than they do for reaching success. Can you see why this is counterproductive????

When I moved into Manhattan, I burned my teacher’s license since I didn’t want to teach anymore. I figured that living in the city would make it much easier to get a job that I’d enjoy. Unfortunately, it was a down economy and jobs were scarce. I sent out resumes but got no callbacks. I had an apartment I loved but no job—or backup plan. My work experience didn’t really suit me for much. I’d been a teacher and started my own record label. Friends consoled me, thinking I must be terrified about supporting myself. But I wasn’t.

My backup plan and plan for when I succeeded were the same—belief in myself and faith that I’d find the right direction.

I asked for guidance about how to go forward and began teaching workshops to earn money. They evolved into writing books. My whole career evolved because I looked forward and planned to be successful. I never considered what I could do that was out of my passion zone to just earn money for survival. I never survive. I thrive, even if the money isn’t big, because I’m stimulated by doing what I love. The Law of Attraction has blessed me with opportunities and paths to what I want since my plan was always to succeed. At times I just followed where I was led—with complete trust.

When you look forward in faith, your faith can take you forward to success.

I don’t advise blowing off a job if you have a family to support or your faith isn’t strong enough yet. You can try new things without putting everything at risk. The important thing is that you expect your endeavor to succeed. Plan for that success. Envision it! Feel good about it! And if things don’t work out as you’d ideally like, accept there’s a reason and something better is coming. That sends the best message for the Law of Attraction to support. Plus, you’ll be ready to make the most of success when it come.

Never forget Peter’s wise words: “Have a plan for when you succeed.

Every time you work on a backup plan, you tell the Universe you aren’t confident about succeeding. Every time you review your plan to succeed, you affirm your intention to need that plan since you expect to be successful. Free yourself from thinking that gets you negative results from the Law of Attraction by letting go of the need to plan for things not working. Plan for success and you’ll have the best shot of attract support in reaching it.

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I was indoors at a conference all day last Friday and Saturday. The weather was what I find most awesome—in the upper 60’s, sunny, clear skies and no humidity. I was frustrated that I missed being outdoors on those glorious days. It was perfect weather to run in but I got home too late and too tired to do it. Sunday was my day off, but it was nasty and much cooler all day. I began my day in a bad mood because of it but caught myself quickly. Things might not be as I’d have like but, there were still things I could feel good about by letting go of what I didn’t like.

You can choose to feel bad about what you don’t like or choose to look for what’s good.

I was exhausted on Sunday. The rain gave me an opportunity to stay home. Had it been nice I’d have rushed up early, gone out running and made outdoor plans. Instead, I relaxed in bed, catching up on emails and doing things I enjoy but often don’t have time for. I went out for brunch near my place instead of meeting up with friends further away. It was the best way I could have spent my time to get my energy back. In my post on Flowing with Situations, I discussed the importance of moving past outcomes you don’t like. Take it further!

Instead of focusing on what went wrong for you, recognize what’s right!

A woman (I’ll call her Lea) who reads this blog did some phone counseling with me a while back. She was upset about an upcoming court case with her husband’s ex-wife, who was making very unreasonable demands. The outcome wasn’t good on many levels. She emailed to tell me about it. Then I got P.S. with some things that did go her way. And her lawyer offered to countersue on their behalf—for free! Lea is very angry at the main outcome, and I don’t blame her. It was unfair. But I reminded her of the good stuff.

Lea replied with why it wasn’t so great. The countersuit would only be a mall victory and the other concessions they got were also small compared to what they have to pay. She and her husband are trying to let go of their anger, and it’s hard in a truly egregious situation. But I reminded her that the main court appearance was over. She’s been stressed about it for months and now she knows the outcome and can move on. And, it could have been a LOT worse!

Focusing on outcomes you don’t like but can’t change keeps you angry and unhappy. It’s so much better to be grateful for the blessings in the situation.

Lea has some good blessings in the midst of a lousy overall outcome. I advised her to focus on them. Even if you’re angry, frustrated, disappointed, hurt, etc. by a situation, find the blessings and hold them tight in your thoughts, unless you prefer to feel unhappy. When I was a DoorMat, I wallowed in what went wrong since I didn’t think I was worthy of real happiness. Now I MUCH prefer to be happy. I can let what I don’t like to fester in my thoughts and eat away at my happiness or accept what happened and find the blessings that make me happy.

John Wooden said, “Things turn out best for people who make the best of the way things turn out.”

I advised Lea to do that. She’s still struggling but making an effort, which is all we can do. Ask yourself, “Do I want to stew and be angry or do I want to be peaceful and happy.” I want the latter now that I know I deserve happiness. Holding onto to what went wrong serves NO purpose but to block happiness. Why do that to yourself?!?

Being loving to yourself is much better that being angry over the stuff you know you can’t change the outcome of.

Letting go or holding on is a choice that you can control if you choose to. In angry circumstances, you have TWO choices—Wallow in it, hold on to negatives tight, and allow it to make you unhappy, or let it go and focus on your blessings. It’s not easy to let go but, you can if you focus on deciding to be happy. Why let a negative circumstance have more power over you than necessary? Why make it worse by letting it sink your joy. If you can’t change it, move on, since wallowing does nothing but make you feel worse!

Happy or unhappy? Which sounds better? Allow that to help you make your choice.

Holding on can also stimulate a desire to get revenge or hurt others. Why attract the results of that when you can find the blessings and be happy? I used to hold onto anger like a crutch when I felt I’d been wronged. I didn’t want to forget! Now I hold onto blessings, which brings me more things to be grateful for. I love to post them on my Conscious Gratitude group on Yahoo (which you can join!). Find your own blessings and let them nurture you to healing old wounds that keep you from being as happy as you could be.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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