Beliefnet
Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

I went out for lunch on Saturday and ordered a sandwich that came with bacon and French fries. I haven’t had fries in ages and love them. So I ate them. Every single one of them! No guilt at all. I try to eat healthy most of the time but enjoy unhealthy splurges occasionally. My main concern is to not let unhealthy eating spiral out of control.

I don’t eat healthy to lose weight. I do it because I love me and want to be healthy as an act of self-love.

The next day I went for brunch with some friends. I ordered something healthier than the day before and said to someone, “I’m being a good girl today since I ate unhealthy yesterday.” He looked at me like I had 2 heads and then challenged my use of “good girl.” He knows I’m a confident woman who is comfortable with my eating and questioned why I referred to myself as a good girl for eating healthier. Was I a bad girl the day before for eating bacon and fries?

Wow! It hit me hard! This was a perfect example of why I call myself a Recovering DoorMat!

Old habits die hard. Using good girl is a residual from my DoorMat days—an automatic response to something I should or shouldn’t do—a childlike response going back to the past. I rarely do that and my friend picked up on it right away as it was so unlike my usual attitude. He reminded me I was a good girl the day before too. And I was! I had a craving for a club sandwich with bacon and fries and ate it. I no longer have the craving and enjoyed my meal thoroughly.

Too often we judge ourselves too harshly for not being perfect.

I pride myself on eating healthy. In my DoorMat days I had no willpower. I was often a “bad girl” for my food habits. Self-hatred makes it easier to call yourself names like I did. It originated with all the messages about body image and the importance of being thin. As a child I was chastised by extended family for my eating. My parents didn’t limit my eating but at gatherings, there was always someone telling me not to have the dessert or potatoes or I’d get fat and no guy would want me. As I got older I associated eating unhealthy foods with being a bad girl.

Many of us feel guilt or shame about eating something fattening or unhealthy. That’s why there are so many sneak eaters.

I was thrilled that my friend stopped my good girl/bad girl thoughts. I laughed as it hit me. After coming so far from DoorMatville, I’m not perfect, and that’s perfectly okay! My friend was right—I’m always a good girl, even if I make choices that aren’t the best for me or do things others don’t like. Loving myself allows self-forgiveness and tolerance. After all, I truly choose to be my own best friend and I’d never treat a best friend like that!

Be careful about how you let other people’s values affect the attitude you treat yourself with! Be your own best friend instead and shield yourself with kinder words.

Practice self-love as much as you can. It’s the greatest defense against seeing yourself as a bad girl or guy for making a choice that wouldn’t be viewed as the best but it was something you wanted. Splurges that make you happy are loving, not something to feel bad about. I’m glad I had my sandwich with fries and will have them again when I’m in the mood. Self-love keeps me from getting into the mood for unhealthy foods too often.

Love yourself enough to cut yourself slack and keep a positive view no matter what you do!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

AddThis Social Bookmark Button var addthis_pub = ‘wryter’;

This is post 85 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

I recently heard Peter Shankman speak. He’s an entrepreneur, author, speaker, and founder of HARO (Help a Reporter Out), a service that connects journalists with expert sources. Peter is known for taking big risks in his entrepreneurial endeavors. I plan to have an interview with him shortly. He has accomplished a lot of amazing endeavors. And he pointed out something about reaching success that most people don’t think about.

Peter said, “Have a plan for when you succeed.”

Hmm… That sounds logical, doesn’t it? The more you plan for success, the stronger the message you put out that you plan to succeed. Yet what do most of us do? We plan for failure. You may not see it as that. While it’s practical to have contingency plans in case something doesn’t work, it tells the Universe you don’t think you’ll succeed. Hello! That’s what the Law of Attraction will more likely return to you.

People tend to put much more into plans for something not succeeding than they do for reaching success. Can you see why this is counterproductive????

When I moved into Manhattan, I burned my teacher’s license since I didn’t want to teach anymore. I figured that living in the city would make it much easier to get a job that I’d enjoy. Unfortunately, it was a down economy and jobs were scarce. I sent out resumes but got no callbacks. I had an apartment I loved but no job—or backup plan. My work experience didn’t really suit me for much. I’d been a teacher and started my own record label. Friends consoled me, thinking I must be terrified about supporting myself. But I wasn’t.

My backup plan and plan for when I succeeded were the same—belief in myself and faith that I’d find the right direction.

I asked for guidance about how to go forward and began teaching workshops to earn money. They evolved into writing books. My whole career evolved because I looked forward and planned to be successful. I never considered what I could do that was out of my passion zone to just earn money for survival. I never survive. I thrive, even if the money isn’t big, because I’m stimulated by doing what I love. The Law of Attraction has blessed me with opportunities and paths to what I want since my plan was always to succeed. At times I just followed where I was led—with complete trust.

When you look forward in faith, your faith can take you forward to success.

I don’t advise blowing off a job if you have a family to support or your faith isn’t strong enough yet. You can try new things without putting everything at risk. The important thing is that you expect your endeavor to succeed. Plan for that success. Envision it! Feel good about it! And if things don’t work out as you’d ideally like, accept there’s a reason and something better is coming. That sends the best message for the Law of Attraction to support. Plus, you’ll be ready to make the most of success when it come.

Never forget Peter’s wise words: “Have a plan for when you succeed.

Every time you work on a backup plan, you tell the Universe you aren’t confident about succeeding. Every time you review your plan to succeed, you affirm your intention to need that plan since you expect to be successful. Free yourself from thinking that gets you negative results from the Law of Attraction by letting go of the need to plan for things not working. Plan for success and you’ll have the best shot of attract support in reaching it.

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

AddThis Social Bookmark Button var addthis_pub = ‘wryter’;

I was indoors at a conference all day last Friday and Saturday. The weather was what I find most awesome—in the upper 60’s, sunny, clear skies and no humidity. I was frustrated that I missed being outdoors on those glorious days. It was perfect weather to run in but I got home too late and too tired to do it. Sunday was my day off, but it was nasty and much cooler all day. I began my day in a bad mood because of it but caught myself quickly. Things might not be as I’d have like but, there were still things I could feel good about by letting go of what I didn’t like.

You can choose to feel bad about what you don’t like or choose to look for what’s good.

I was exhausted on Sunday. The rain gave me an opportunity to stay home. Had it been nice I’d have rushed up early, gone out running and made outdoor plans. Instead, I relaxed in bed, catching up on emails and doing things I enjoy but often don’t have time for. I went out for brunch near my place instead of meeting up with friends further away. It was the best way I could have spent my time to get my energy back. In my post on Flowing with Situations, I discussed the importance of moving past outcomes you don’t like. Take it further!

Instead of focusing on what went wrong for you, recognize what’s right!

A woman (I’ll call her Lea) who reads this blog did some phone counseling with me a while back. She was upset about an upcoming court case with her husband’s ex-wife, who was making very unreasonable demands. The outcome wasn’t good on many levels. She emailed to tell me about it. Then I got P.S. with some things that did go her way. And her lawyer offered to countersue on their behalf—for free! Lea is very angry at the main outcome, and I don’t blame her. It was unfair. But I reminded her of the good stuff.

Lea replied with why it wasn’t so great. The countersuit would only be a mall victory and the other concessions they got were also small compared to what they have to pay. She and her husband are trying to let go of their anger, and it’s hard in a truly egregious situation. But I reminded her that the main court appearance was over. She’s been stressed about it for months and now she knows the outcome and can move on. And, it could have been a LOT worse!

Focusing on outcomes you don’t like but can’t change keeps you angry and unhappy. It’s so much better to be grateful for the blessings in the situation.

Lea has some good blessings in the midst of a lousy overall outcome. I advised her to focus on them. Even if you’re angry, frustrated, disappointed, hurt, etc. by a situation, find the blessings and hold them tight in your thoughts, unless you prefer to feel unhappy. When I was a DoorMat, I wallowed in what went wrong since I didn’t think I was worthy of real happiness. Now I MUCH prefer to be happy. I can let what I don’t like to fester in my thoughts and eat away at my happiness or accept what happened and find the blessings that make me happy.

John Wooden said, “Things turn out best for people who make the best of the way things turn out.”

I advised Lea to do that. She’s still struggling but making an effort, which is all we can do. Ask yourself, “Do I want to stew and be angry or do I want to be peaceful and happy.” I want the latter now that I know I deserve happiness. Holding onto to what went wrong serves NO purpose but to block happiness. Why do that to yourself?!?

Being loving to yourself is much better that being angry over the stuff you know you can’t change the outcome of.

Letting go or holding on is a choice that you can control if you choose to. In angry circumstances, you have TWO choices—Wallow in it, hold on to negatives tight, and allow it to make you unhappy, or let it go and focus on your blessings. It’s not easy to let go but, you can if you focus on deciding to be happy. Why let a negative circumstance have more power over you than necessary? Why make it worse by letting it sink your joy. If you can’t change it, move on, since wallowing does nothing but make you feel worse!

Happy or unhappy? Which sounds better? Allow that to help you make your choice.

Holding on can also stimulate a desire to get revenge or hurt others. Why attract the results of that when you can find the blessings and be happy? I used to hold onto anger like a crutch when I felt I’d been wronged. I didn’t want to forget! Now I hold onto blessings, which brings me more things to be grateful for. I love to post them on my Conscious Gratitude group on Yahoo (which you can join!). Find your own blessings and let them nurture you to healing old wounds that keep you from being as happy as you could be.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

AddThis Social Bookmark Button var addthis_pub = ‘wryter’;

This is post 84 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

Nobody’s life flows smoothly, without any road bumps and glitches. Mine sure doesn’t. People think of me as having a particularly blessed life. I do! But it’s not because it always go smoothly. I trust the process enough to go with the flow instead of lamenting over situations I don’t like or trying to control it too much. Trusting that you’ll get what you need at the right time keeps you relaxed and in a positive mindset for the Law of Attraction to work well with you. Holding on to your negative emotions about what happened, or didn’t happen, attracts more disappointing outcomes.

Stuff happens that feels out of your control. But it’s not if you control your thoughts about it and flow with what happens instead of creating negative thoughts about it.

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis said, “I have been through a lot and I have suffered a great deal. But I have had lots of happy moments, as well. Every moment one lives is different from the other. The good, the bad, hardship, the joy, the tragedy, love and happiness are all interwoven into one single, indescribable whole that is called LIFE. You cannot separate the good from the bad. And perhaps there is no need to do so, either.”

Everyone’s life will have its ups and downs. That’s how it works.

I remember when I read Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. I love this book! Someone who came to one of my workshops told me about it. I said I hadn’t read it and she sent it as a gift. “Coincidentally,” it arrived just after my dad passed away, when I was feeling down. Knowing that she sent it as an act of pure kindness perked up my spirits. I can’t say it balanced the feelings that went with my loss but it did bring some smiles to me. And I probably appreciated the book more than if it had arrived during a very happy period. The book is Walsch’s account of conversations he had with God. It both enlightened and delighted me, as this was the God I believe in!

In the book God explains that without negative occurrences, we wouldn’t appreciate the positive ones.

I agree wholeheartedly. If things always went well, we wouldn’t even recognize our blessings since there would be no contrast. Our blessings would just be life, which we’d soon take for granted. Viewing it that way has made me appreciate when things happen which I don’t like. Those times keep me grounded in appreciation of all the good stuff! It’s important to understand this. People tell me there’s no God if this or that happened to them, or, they think God hates them if something they wanted could go so wrong. These kind of thoughts don’t send a good message to the Universe and the Law of Attraction will pick up the negative vibes. You know what you’ll attract form that!

Recognizing the blessings in the down parts of life helps you move past them without getting too caught up in negativity and sends trust in getting a good outcome when the time is right.

For everything, I believe if It’s meant to be, it will be. And I can accept that now in complete faith. Relax and trust that if something goes wrong, it wasn’t meant to be. Don’t worry about whether you did something wrong or you’re being punished or that God doesn’t love you. If you did do something wrong, it was because it wasn’t right for you. Years ago I noticed a pattern in dating. With some guys I’d say things that put them off. I was aware I did it but couldn’t stop myself. Later I’d be angry at myself. Then I realized it was a sign that the guy wasn’t right for me. Now when I do it I accept that it’s to prevent not wasting more time than necessary. I didn’t do it with the good guy I ended up in a relationship with!

Learn to flow with what life brings you. Don’t put yourself on an emotional seesaw ride in either direction.

When I was a DoorMat, if something good happened I’d get over the top excited. Then if something fell through, it was a long drop down to my disappointment. A friend noticed this pattern and implored me to get off the seesaw. She was right. It was one of the first lessons I learned as I prepared to leave DoorMatville. Be kinder to yourself during stressful or disappointing times. And temper your response to goodies. Yes, I do try to enjoy the latter fully, but I don’t blow them out of proportion like I used to. When you live in the moment, take the initial joy and let situations unfold.

Send a clear message that you trust that the good you want is coming, with faith and a light heart. Be patient. When things don’t go well, look for all the things you can still be happy about and let that carry you through any negatives. Then watch for more joy you’ll attract with those thoughts!

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

AddThis Social Bookmark Button var addthis_pub = ‘wryter’;