Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

* LOA logo2.jpgThis is post 87 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

A magnet attracts things to it, whether you want it or not. I’ve held one that all of a sudden had a small object, like a paperclip, sticking to it. A good magnet can lift something that’s many times its weight and size. Yet if you put the magnetic ends of 2 magnets together, they will repel each other. And if something happens to the magnet and it loses it’s magnetic abilities, it won’t lift anything at all.

The Law of Attraction works somewhat like a magnet. Negative thoughts repel what you say you want. Positive thoughts attract it.

You can magnetize yourself for individual situations or nurture your inner magnet to become a person who attracts what they want as a lifestyle. Just as a magnet will draw to it something that’s nearby without you consciously putting the magnet against it, you can magnetize your thoughts to attract more of what you want. It takes practice to magnetize thoughts but you can do it if you choose to and don’t give up if it doesn’t happen right away.

As you use the tools from my Law of Attraction in Action series in action and raise your consciousness for doing so, being patient and trusting and watching your thoughts and words, etc., will become more automatic. The more they become automatic, the more you’ll become magnetized. Then you can focus on honing your LOA skills to become a stronger magnet for positive things.

You have the capacity to attract all the joy and abundance you would like. But, you must use it and train yourself to monitor your thoughts.

It’s important to practice recognizing where your thoughts go when you want, or don’t want, something. Does doubt come into your head? Fear? Questions about if it could happen? Feelings of not being deserving? Worry about it happening? Any of those negative thoughts demagnetize your ability to attract what you want. Catching them before they do that puts you on your way to being a magnet for great stuff!

Turning your thoughts into positive expectations fuels the magnet in you.

You can’t just monitor the thoughts that are obvious. Focus on your sub-conscious. What messages are you sending to it? Even if you’re saying all the right things, underneath, in your subconscious, you might have different emotions or worries or negative thoughts. I recently had a client (I’ll call her Elena) whose company was laying people off. She assured me she was saying the right words to keep her job but followed most statements with a but. “I trust that I’ll keep my job!” “But, what if my whole department is let go?”

“What if?” and “but” thoughts are strong demagnetizers!

We went over and over and over the importance of staying focused on keeping her job but Elena couldn’t stop questioning what would happen if she lost it. She was devastated when she was laid off. I can give you tools but can’t make you use them. It’s up to YOU to do that! Elena complained that she tried so hard to use her thoughts to keep her job but it didn’t work. She had to leave in a few weeks. I showed her all the ways she let the doubts seep into her thoughts. Elena admitted to not being able to quell them.

I acknowledge it is hard to keep them out. Good things take an effort.

Elena committed to make a bigger attempt to manifest and this time knocked out the negatives with positive affirmations. She was determined to magnetize her thoughts this time, and did. On her last day of work, a manager from another department in her company offered to hire her in his department. Someone was leaving suddenly and Elena was qualified to take over. It was a job she liked even better than the one she lost. Magnetizing her thoughts resulted in Elena getting a better job! I got a dozen roses.

Have you ever seen someone who seems to have all the luck? It’s not luck! They’re magnets.

Lucky people have cleared their manifesting receptors. They keep their thoughts positive and do what they can to control negative ones. The good thing is that anyone can become a manifesting magnet. You have the power to control what the Law of Attraction reads as your expectations. As you practice clearing out negative beliefs that can crop up and replace them with positive expectations, you can become the manifesting magnet that people view as lucky. But it’s not luck. It’s conscious manifesting!

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I’m delighted to bring my Self-Empowerment blog to the Beliefnet community and show you techniques for being a nice person who CAN finish first. For those of you who followed me here–BIG thanks! For those of you who are new to my blog and have come to get to know me, I’m delighted you’re here! I write Lessons From a Recovering DoorMat because I lived through the pain of being an out of control people pleaser with very low self-eMOnday photo.jpgsteem for many years. It’s my privilege to help others learn what took me ages to grasp about taking control of your life in nice but effective ways to become a very happy person.
When I was a guest on The Oprah Winfrey Show, she asked the audience what was more important–being liked or being respected? One person after another described how much they do for others and affirmed that “being liked” was worth the inconvenience of catering to others and being a people pleaser on autopilot, often to the point of self-disgust. Even guys admitted to making an effort to please. Insecurity is a strong motivation to put everyone else’s needs in front of your own. Many of us were raised to give and give to be accepted.

I want to show you how to empower yourself by building your confidence to take control of your life. If I did it, anyone can!

After developing strong spiritual faith and appreciation for my good qualities, I took my first steps out of Doormatville and a lifestyle of letting people take advantage of my inability to say no to requests. Developing self-love was the fuel for learning to take care of me. Those who know me today can’t believe that for a majority of my life I felt worthless, fat, and ugly–all because I wasn’t perfectly thin.

My forehead no longer says welcome and I’m filled with self-love!

Today I’m a self-empowerment counselor, speaker, music industry consultant and author of 12 popular books, with more in the pipeline. I write about self-empowerment, including Nice
Girls Can Finish First
and also try to teach musicians how to empowerment themselves with my music business books for Billboard/Random House, including Start & Run Your Own Record Label. While I’m getting older and my body isn’t thin, I’m VERY happy being me! I’ve learned what’s most important–to accept me as I am and treat myself with as much love as I can give. Beating myself up for my flaws makes me unhappy. Loving myself brings me a glorious sense of joy.

Which would you rather have?

Being conscious of taking care of me gives me a lot more energy to help others, unconditionally, without trying to buy anything but the pleasure of being a good person. I’ve seen too many people who have what you may think will make you happy–a good body, youth, a relationship or lots of money–who are far from happy. I wake up smiling every day since I found the love, joy, and satisfaction of self-acceptance.

This blog explores many reasons, situations, stereotypes and ways of thinking that may hold you back from being more empowered. It includes tips for building confidence, getting taken more seriously at work and play, learning to say “no” in effective ways, developing self-acceptance, increasing self-love and MUCH MORE. And every week I’ll have a post for my Law of Attraction in Action series that I’ve been writing for almost 2 years. You can read the archives.

My confidence began to increase when I was dared to make a rap record by students when I was teaching. They insisted that a white woman couldn’t rap. Not wanting them to grow up believing in stereotypes, I became the first white female rapper and the first women that I know of to start an independent record label. Navigating the All Boy’s Club of the music industry taught me many of the lessons I share in my book, Nice Girls Can Finish First.

Being my nice compliant self with men I did business with didn’t get me taken seriously. So I took the other direction and became tough and overtly assertive. People listened more but nobody like me. Worse, I didn’t like me. Luckily, I figured out ways to softly and nicely let them know I meant business. Think Meryl Streep’s character in The Devil Wears Prada–with a smile and kind intentions! As my confidence increased, people stopped messing with me! Yet I was still a nice person so they liked me too!

I believe in talking softly and carrying a big stick–an attitude that commands respect.

I was in a lot of pain when I lived in DoorMatville because I didn’t value myself and let people walk all over me. Happiness was an elusive state that I thought I’d get from the people I went out of my way to please. But other that snippets of joy when someone I’d done a lot for threw me a bone of appreciation, happiness eluded me. Anais Nin “There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” After many years of unhappiness, I recognized that there comes a time for everyone when you have to make a choice:

•    Do I want to remain stuck in a place that seems secure in because I don’t rock the boat and keep people around me happy at my expense?
•    Do I want to be happy because I stopped being a people pleaser and set boundaries on what I can give others and what I give to me as an act of self-love?

I chose the latter. The more I turned down requests in favors of being more loving to me and being respectful of my needs, the happier I felt. When I helped someone because I wanted to, not to buy their acceptance, my joy increased. It was a process that took years but each small victory over my fears felt delicious! I thoroughly enjoy what I called my Journey Into Self–discovering what a wonderful person I am and recognizing I deserve all the joy and love I can get.

The purpose of this blog is to share all the lessons I integrated into growing into a woman who wakes up happy every day and does much more for others than I did when I was a DoorMat–for the right reasons. The more I give to others, the happier I become. A people pleaser gives at their own expense to make people like them, and always feel drained. True nice people nourish their own souls first, do whatever they can to show themselves love and help others from a place of love and fullness, not a depleted need to buy acceptance. When you love and accept yourself, you have so much more to give honestly.

Now that I love myself, life is perpetual joy. Self-acceptance and love bring much more joy than chasing what the media says you need or should be. Please stick around and subscribe to my blog. It will have practical insight into an old problem that hasn’t gone away–developing good self-esteem in an age of insecurity. You CAN find your way if you CHOOSE to! Good self-esteem is a CHOICE. So is having self-love. Join me in choosing a happier path that makes your life feel satisfying and helps you live your desires.

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.

I had a client last week who I’ll call Marie. She was focused on issues from her past as she prepared to meet with an old client who she had problems with years ago and was freaking out. Marie has a lot of work to do on the project this client may get involved in but couldn’t focus because her thoughts were overwhelmed with memories of her dealings with this client—10 years ago!

You’re a different person than you were in the past and so is everyone you encounter today.

That’s why it’s so important to only deal each situation when it’s happening. Today is all that matters and your interactions with everyone is contingent on today only. Tomorrow isn’t here yet. Yesterday is over. When I interviewed my inspiration—Louise Hay—she said something that I found profound. I asked how she feels about her career so far and she said she could tell me how she feels right now since she doesn’t look back, or forward, since now is all that’s real. she said she barely remembered what has happened since it’s over and doesn’t know what will happen in the future, no less tomorrow.

Right now is all that matters. And right now, this minute, you’re fine!

You can let old memories bring you down like they did Marie or leave them in the past. If you failed at something before, it doesn’t mean you’ll fail again. But, you have a bigger chance to fail if you focus on your past failure. Remembering negatives fosters insecurity where confidence should be. Marie was spinning old experiences and expecting trouble the next day at the meeting. It made her anxious. I asked if she had any reason to believe that the client would hold a grudge or cause her a problem. She didn’t, but worried about “what ifs”.

What happened in the past is over, unless you keep it alive.

Marie projected things that might happen based on an experience 10 years before. Yet she was in a very different place than she was when she dealt with the client and the client was also in a different place. Instead of looking forward to a good, new interaction, she got worked up with worry—lamenting about the past and expecting negatives in the future based on the past. At that moment she was fine and had no current reason to expect trouble from the client, who might not even remember her.

An Eskimo proverb says, “Yesterday is ashes; tomorrow is wood. Only today does the fire burn brightly.”

Yesterday is in ashes—gone, history, over. Tomorrow is wood. Not alive or burning, not here yet, a clean slate for you to color on in happy bright experiences or smear it with negatives from the ashes. Your fire is burning brightly right now. I worked with Marie to see the folly of her constant laments about her 10-year old experiences and to focus on where she is right now, how good she is at her job, and why she will be an asset to this client. Slowly she relaxed.

When you feel the past creeping into your present, write down all the good things about you and your life and focus on it.

Marie’s meeting ended up going very well. The client barely remembered her and her proposal impressed enough to wipe out the past. She got the deal signed but more importantly, learned to stop bringing old experiences into her present moment. All that energy stressing over the old memories was wasted and just hurt her. Had she not let go of it before her meeting she might have let it taint what developed.

If you have unhappy memories that haunt you, write them down, read them aloud, forgive yourself for anything you feel you did wrong and forgive others who did you wrong. Then burn the paper and let it go. Keep giving thanks for a wonderful today! I used to worry about what would happen the next day at an important meeting or who would give me a book deal or even would he call? Now I focus on now, and now I’m okay. When I leave the future in God’s hands, I no longer have to worry about it. Faith keeps the positive fires burning brightly!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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This is post 86 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

Have you ever felt like life was against you? That stuff was happening that seemed out of your control, which kept you from moving forward or blocked what you thought you should have? Instead of stopping to monitor your thoughts to see what might be blocking what you want, even subconsciously, it’s easier to blame it all on circumstances.

Using circumstances as an excuse for not progressing is an excuse that keeps you stuck. I know, because I still occasionally do it. It can seem easier to wait for circumstances to change than just go for what you want. For example:

• I have to help my cousin move so I can’t start my project now.
• My romantic partner is going through tough times so I must keep my time free to support him/her.
• The economy is bad so it’s not a good time to start my business.
• They’re predicting rain so I can’t do those errands I keep putting off.

Using circumstances as an excuse tells the Universe you’re not ready for what you say you want. Playing the blame game can make you not even want to try. When the Law of Attraction supports your excuses, it becomes harder to get past them. Letting circumstances justify not doing everything you can makes you feel better in the short run but worse later on when you’re frustrated by not achieving what you want. Circumstances are one of the biggest deterrents to realizing dreams and reaching goals. It’s an easy excuse since there are always circumstances that seem beyond your control. That’s part of life.

It’s YOUR choice—let circumstances get the best of you or find ways to overcome them.

If you want to overcome them, show the Universe your intention with actions. Just because something is going on that makes it harder, doesn’t mean you can’t find a way to do what you want. Limit the time you can help your cousin and make time for your project. Making time for you makes you stronger for your partner. Accept that there’s no good time to start a business and even in a bad economy, people are starting businesses that survive. If it may rain, bring an umbrella!

People looking for an excuse to not succeed embrace circumstances.

Those who intend to succeed do so despite circumstances. If you want the Law of Attraction to keep the circumstances coming, let them rule your decisions and actions. If you prefer to get support for success, do what’s necessary despite the circumstances. Begin by listening to yourself speak about your goals so you can recognize how your thoughts hold you back:

• “I do want to_____ but…” But usually states why you think you can’t do something and the circumstances supporting this belief. And if you think you can’t do something, you probably won’t be able to do it.

• “I have to postpone doing_____ because…” Because lays out your excuse and the circumstances that will keep you locked out of doing it.

• “I’d______ if…” If means if circumstances were different you’d do it but this is how it is so you can’t. Or better, you won’t.

All of these tell the Universe you intend to stagnate using circumstances as a reason to do so. People who truly want to succeed demonstrate this intention by finding ways to get around circumstances or using them to motivate more determination and desire to succeed instead of using them as roadblocks. So much is about perception—your personal view of what’s going on. I live like George Bernard Shaw, who said,

The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstance they want and if they can’t find them they make them.

When you find yourself using circumstances to postpone or procrastinate about your goals, ask yourself for the real reason and if you want it badly enough. If you don’t want it badly enough, continue to wallow in circumstances excuses, Otherwise, figure out what’s really behind your procrastination and find ways around it. Are you scared to try or worried you won’t be able to accomplish what you want? The only way to find out is to try.

Once you become determined to work around the circumstance, you’ll attract what you need to do so. Try to take a step forward today! I’d never be about to have my 12th book published had I not gotten around the circumstances I used as excuses for years block me. It was never the right time till I decided it was. Then circumstances became irrelevant as the Law of Attraction supported my intentions to succeed. You can too! ?

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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