Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Turn Confrontation into Communication

When you get angry enough, it’s common to consider having a confrontation with the person who annoys you. It’s natural to want to tell the other person off, or emotionally blurt out how they made you feel. Don’t! Often when you do that you can lose control of yourself as you rant to the person who will usually go on the defensive and not give you the response you want. I used to do that as I transitioned out of DoorMatville. I felt that in order to be empowered I had to speak my mind. So boy did I!


But in reality, I didn’t speak. I went on and on with a critical or whiny tone that put the person off. When you let your emotions take over—all the anger, frustration, disappointment, etc. that you feel because of this person—you turn communications into a confrontation. And nobody likes to hear words spoken with those emotions. Then you get more frustrated because the person makes excuses, or worse, tries to blame you for their actions. If you’re already emotional, your response may be blown way out of proportion, and then you’re even less likely to get resolution. Obviously, that kind of speaking up for yourself isn’t satisfying, or empowering. You’re never empowered when you lose control of you.

Thoughtful communication is MUCH more effective. Thinking in terms of having a confrontation gets you riled. Setting boundaries calmly while communicating a serious intention gets much better results. Most situations can be resolved with clear words spoken in a friendly manner. Nice people who finish first state their objectives, nicely, in a tone indicating they expect it. Your approach and choice of words show you mean business.


My operative words are “not appropriate” and “unacceptable.” Depending on circumstances, one or the other can get the point across. Name-calling and blame doesn’t. Nor does nastiness or accusations, even if you think the person deserves it. Include how you expect a situation to be remedied. For example, if your hotel room smells don’t go to the front desk ready for a fight. Instead of complaining and demanding another room, say, “My room is unacceptable. How soon can I move?” Presenting expectations gives no other options! For any kind of service related issue, use versions of:

•    “I’m not happy with my service. How can you make me happy?
•    “I was inconvenienced. What compensation will I get?”
•    “That’s unacceptable and I expect a quick satisfactory resolution.”


And if it’s trouble with someone on a personal level, use versions of,

•    “That was unacceptable and if you do something like that again, I’ll have to stop seeing you or it will change how we interact.”
•    “It’s inappropriate to speak to me in that tone so please don’t use it in the future.”
•    “Borrowing my things without asking is unacceptable and I expect it not to happen again.”

The key to getting your way is staying calm. Once emotions show, you’re taken less seriously. Yelling, crying or whining alienates people. Speaking slowly, in a rational, calm  but firm tone, creates advocates. Explain what you expect and thank them for their cooperation.  That shows that you’re expecting cooperation! The nicer you say it, the more people respond positively.


In the past, something would go wrong and I’d feel a battle coming. I’d attack whomever seemed responsible. On a busy day, an annoying  person interrupted with a problem she should have handled. I chewed her out and got problems from it. So I adopted nicer skills. I remind myself the person isn’t an enemy, which helps me calmly and nicely point out what is and isn’t inappropriate.

Clear, concise, unemotional communication goes a long way to resolve problems. Step back from your anger and just state what bothers you, guilt and blame free. You’re more like to get your point across in a way that the person actually hears you when you speak softly but also let them know you’re serious about what you say.


Join the Self-Love Movement! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE.

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.

Previous Posts

Ditch the Victim Mentality
A common thread among clients who come to me for self-empowerment counseling is “Why do people use me?” And they groan, “Why me?” And they whine, “I’ll never get what I want because of _____.”  I tell them to fill in that blank ...

posted 10:41:37pm Jul. 21, 2014 | read full post »

Standing Up for Yourself
You may be angry at many people and want to tell them all of. But you need to –prepare to take a stand first. Before taking a stand, ask, “Am I WILLING to be serious?” You may want to stop unacceptable behavior, but are you willing to ...

posted 12:01:04pm Jul. 18, 2014 | read full post »

Law of Attraction in Action: What You Think Of Yourself
This is post 290 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to manifest your desires. I do it every day! Read all the posts in my Law of Attraction in Action Series to see how. Very often, your biggest roadblocks ...

posted 8:44:56pm Jul. 16, 2014 | read full post »

Why People Become DoorMats/People Pleasers
George Bernard Shaw said, “The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to ...

posted 2:09:35pm Jul. 14, 2014 | read full post »

Law of Attraction in Action: “It’s for the best”
This is post 289 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read all the posts in my Law of Attraction in Action Series  to see how. People get confused when ...

posted 12:01:14pm Jul. 08, 2014 | read full post »


Report as Inappropriate

You are reporting this content because it violates the Terms of Service.

All reported content is logged for investigation.