Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

I’m always happy to have Tina Tessina, Ph.D. as my guest. Her articles bring a great response as she has such a good take on life’s ups and downs. Tina is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in California and the author of MANY books, including Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage.. Today she talks about how people can be scared of hoping for something and how to overcome it. Here’s what she has to say:

Living Outside the Box
By Tina Tessina

I was speaking with a client today about his burn – out in his career. This is a man who‚s been very successful, earned a lot of money, and worked hard for a big, national corporation.  I told him he was burned out, and on strike, because he had put himself in a box about work.  The box consisted of four walls:

Wall #1: I have to make $$$$ amount of money
Wall #2: I have to work for a certain kind of company
Wall #3: I‚m scared about letting myself be creative (the unknown)
Wall #4: I hate all of it.

When he put up these walls, he was out of options, and stuck in a terrible place. If he could take down even one of the walls, he could let himself out of the box. Later in the afternoon, I was speaking with another client about relationships. He wanted to figure out what ebox‚ (his word) a person in his life would fit in—lover, friend, etc.  I told him that he couldn’t put another person in a box. The only one he could put in a box was himself—what he was willing to do in the relationship, and what he wasn’t willing to do. And then make sure he set those boundaries for himself and lived up to it.

I frequently see people who are unhappy in their relationships, and feel too stuck to do anything about it.  Their boxes usually consist of the following walls:

Wall #1: I’m very unhappy, but I can‚t do anything about it
Wall #2: I have to keep this relationship; I won’t find another.
Wall #3: I can’t tell my partner what’s wrong, because he or she would be angry/hurt.
Wall #4: I can’t change what I’m doing without my partner’s consent.

Again, looking at the walls that have you trapped, and letting down even one wall can give you the power you need to make changes, improve your relationship and create a happier life. There are many possible boxes you can encounter in life.  It’s easy to get locked in by shoulds, have – to’s, can’ts and won’ts to the point that you can’t move at all.  We can get stuck in work boxes, family boxes, relationship boxes and health boxes. Other people can try to put us in boxes.  Boxes are traps constructed of imaginary walls ˆ prohibitions we believe are real, but turn out to be false when examined. How do you tell if you‚re in a box?

* When you‚re boxed in, you’ll feel discouraged and hopeless (people often
mistake this for depression), frustrated, blocked and angry.

* You may shut down and not be able to get yourself to do things you know would be good for you like take care of your health, be loving toward your partner or family, or be motivated in your career.

* You may feel cranky and out of sorts, and find yourself pushing friends and family away.

* The pain of being boxed in can also bring on addiction symptoms drinking too much, overeating, overspending, or a drug habit.

What can you do about it? When one of my clients feels very stressed, stuck and down, I usually
suspect they’ve gotten themselves into a box.  After they talk for a while, I can frequently hear them delineate the walls that have them trapped.  When you find yourself feeling trapped and discouraged, you can get out of it by following these steps:

1. Realize that you’ve mentally boxed yourself in with a series of restrictions that feel real, but are actually fiction masquerading as fact.

2. Become aware of the negative messages you tell yourself. If you’re telling yourself things like—“It’s too scary.” “I can’t do that because….” “I’m not worth it” “I can’t handle that.” “It won’t work”—you’re building and reinforcing walls.

3. Challenge at least one of the walls.  Create affirmations—positive statements you repeat to yourself to counter negative thoughts by using a negative thought and turning it around. “It’s too scary” becomes “I am not afraid.”

4. Take a step outside the box. Once you see what the mental walls of your box are, and challenge them, you’ll be freed up to try something new, and get out of the box.

5. Celebrate your accomplishment to create motivation for taking more steps to happiness.

Once you understand that your box is not as real as it feels, you can make your way to a happier life.  May all your dreams come true.

Adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction


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