Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Need vs. Love

Divorce rates are higher than ever. Many people get married fast these days. Celebrities lead the pack, making high profile quickie marriages seem like the norm. But it isn’t, or at least it shouldn’t be in most cases. Celebs like Kim Kardashian talk about how they’re ready to get married, so Kim is looking for a husband. I don’t hear finding someone you love that you can’t imagine you can spend your life without this person. These days, too many people push to get married because they NEED to be married. They convince themselves that the excited feelings from connecting with someone is love. Then the marriage often falls apart.

Love is a deep feeling of caring, not making a commitment.

Making a commitment grows out of love. But in most cases, love takes a long time to grow and thrive and building the love should come first. We’re all on our best behavior when we first begin dating. It can take a while to really get to know someone well, faults and all. But many people push for commitment because they’re insecure and think a ring or piece of paper will ease that. While it might give you immediate pleasure and the comfort/relief/security you think you need, in the long run jumping in too quickly tends to lead to a relationship ending just as fast.


Serious commitment is not a cure-all. If you care about someone and can be together in comfortable ways, relax and enjoy that.

In our fast paced lives, courtship seems to have taken a back seat to instant gratification. But often that says you need the commitment more than you need to be with that person. Not that long ago Reese Witherspoon was in a relationship with Jake Gyllenhaal. The media reported that things between them were going well until she pushed for marriage and he wasn’t ready. So it ended. Many women break up with men when they won’t follow their timetable for getting married. I’ve encountered men who also left women who weren’t ready for marriage.

That says marriage is more important than the person they’re trying to marry!


In my Law of Attraction in Action: Seeking Marriage post, I explained that tells the Law of Attraction that being married more important than being with someone you love and don’t want to live without. No one can complete you but you. You may think a commitment is what you need. I assume Reese Witherspoon did because she’s already married to someone else. Needing to be married reflects that you’re not satisfying your own needs with self-love and need someone else to do it.

Needing to find someone to be with so you can feel complete often leads to an unsatisfying committed relationship.


Wanting to be married to someone you love is wonderful. But the deep, true love should come first. When a relationship is based more on love, not need, it has the best chance of working. Until you work on yourself, and do what you can to build self-love, you’re more likely to mistake need for love. If you want to be in a healthy committed relationship, do what you can to become a healthy person, who loves her/himself. Then let the love between you and a potential partner build slowly, so you can have time to get to know all aspects of the person.

Let real love developed over time lead you to commitment instead of letting a need for commitment lead you to be with someone who may not really be the right person for a long term relationship. Someone is NOT better than no one! Love yourself enough to only commit to someone who has proven him/herself to be worthy of your love and who you love for only the right reasons—because of who they are, not what they give you or how they make you feel. True healthy love is worth waiting for!


Take the self-love challenge and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at And you can post your loving acts HERE to reinforce your intention to love yourself. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE.

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Shannon

    I completely agree with you Dayle. My husband and I were together 8 years before we got married. Our wedding was a celebration of our love for each other, our friends and families. We have been married now 16 years, some of those years were easy and some were hard. Marriage, like life is dynamic and involves growth and changes. When life throws you a problem, you look to your loved ones for support. When marriage throws you a problem, you look to your loved one(s) for support. If there is a strong love between you and your husband, you will handle all the problems even the really nasty ones.


  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Daylle Deanna Schwartz

    So true Shannon!

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