Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for Question Mark fuschia.jpgSomeone asked this question on my post about counting your blessings that I wrote about Giving Thanks on Thanksgiving. She said she knows she has many blessings, and expresses her gratitude. But, this time of year, with all the holiday stuff going on, she’s also feeling lonely. It’s confusing to feel blessed while also experiencing negative emotions.

I wanted to clear this up since this is a normal experience. We all have blessings if we look. But it’s not uncommon to feel down about something while still feeling blessed. This happens to me occasionally, more frequently in the past, before I built more self-love. But no matter how much you love yourself and feel grounded, stuff can happen that topples your equilibrium.

You’re entitled to feeling lonely or sad or disappointed or scared, even when your blessings are plentiful.

When circumstances are out of your control, negative emotions can set in. No matter how evolved you are or how much you love yourself or live by the Law of Attraction, stuff or situations can happen that throw you off track and trigger emotions you don’t like. The holidays can trigger an assortment.

•    Reminders of what you haven’t accomplished yet
•    Feeling inadequate about not having enough money to buy the gifts you’d like to give loved ones
•    Jealousy with people who are celebrating while you don’t feel happy
•    Loneliness–whether it’s for a romantic partner or because you don’t have people to party with
•    Guilt for knowing you have blessings yet you still feel down.

I remember feeling a variety of those emotions in my DoorMat days. The end of the year depressed me back then. It was a reminder that I wasn’t happy. I felt a lot of guilt about having those other emotions. After all, I had my health and enough money to live on. I didn’t love my living situation but it was comfortable.

How dare I feel down??!!

I finally realized that one thing isn’t related to the other. You’re entitled to miss what you don’t have. I learned years ago that it’s okay, probably even healthy to feel down sometimes. I used to fight it–force a smile, act like things were good, and suppress the negative emotions. But instead of feeling better, I had head and stomach aches and felt stressed.

Until I learned to stop suppressing the emotions and to grieve a little for what I felt was missing in my life.

Even if you have a lot to be grateful for, life can still get you down, especially feeling lonely in the midst of holiday gaiety. There’s no easy solution for loneliness. Seeing people around you acting in a partying mood when you don’t have anywhere to go or someone to be with can make you feel alone. The biggest glue that kept me stuck as a DoorMat was fear of loneliness.

It finally sunk in that you can be lonely in a group.

I’d please and please and please just to keep people around. But friends you buy aren’t as satisfying as friends who are friends because they like you, not what your do for them. I’d have people to do things with but didn’t feel a warm vibe, so I’d still feel lonely in many ways. Since falling in love with me, I never feel lonely anymore. You’re not alone when you have YOU!

When you love yourself and do loving things that make you happy, you have the best company on earth.

I no longer please people to buy their company. I have fewer friends but know the ones I have want to be friends with me for me. The more loving things I do for me, the less I feel lonely. Yes, some negative emotions might come up occasionally. When they do, I do something to improve my life. While I might buy one sweet treat, I no longer pig out on goodies to soothe myself, since that isn’t good for me and I love myself too much to do that.

When loneliness makes you feel out of control, do something that helps you get it back.

When I feel down, I clean my place and get rid of as much as I can. I have a lot of stuff and feel better sorting through it to get organized and pare down on my possessions. This always helps get me back on track. You might need to do something else. Improving my life makes me happier, which counters loneliness.

When I’m alone during a holiday, I plan to do things I’d enjoy. I decide what I’d love to eat, what movies I haven’t had time to watch, what book I’ve been dying to read, where I’d love to take a walk to, etc. Being alone is cherished ME-time now! The more YOU do for YOU, the more you feel good. The more you feel good, the more self-love you build. So to me, a good antidote to loneliness is self-love.

Do things that bring more joy into your life!

If you volunteer, do it in a way you enjoy, for a cause that gives you pleasure to help or where you can meet kindred spirits and make new friends. Indulge in activities that you like, even if you do them alone. I love to go see a movie by myself, and see what I want and when. Make plans to do things on your own. The more you love yourself, the more loneliness changes into pleasure on your own.

A great way to do this is to sign the pledge at to do something kind for yourself on every day in January, to build self-love. The more loving things you do for you, the more loneliness will be replaced by solo pleasure. And since likes attracts likes, the more you love yourself, the more love from others you’ll attract into your life. Self-love is a wonderful tonic.

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