Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Lessons from a Recovering Doormat


Question: Is it a contradiction to feel blessed yet still feel lonely?

Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for Question Mark fuschia.jpgSomeone asked this question on my post about counting your blessings that I wrote about Giving Thanks on Thanksgiving. She said she knows she has many blessings, and expresses her gratitude. But, this time of year, with all the holiday stuff going on, she’s also feeling lonely. It’s confusing to feel blessed while also experiencing negative emotions.

I wanted to clear this up since this is a normal experience. We all have blessings if we look. But it’s not uncommon to feel down about something while still feeling blessed. This happens to me occasionally, more frequently in the past, before I built more self-love. But no matter how much you love yourself and feel grounded, stuff can happen that topples your equilibrium.

You’re entitled to feeling lonely or sad or disappointed or scared, even when your blessings are plentiful.

When circumstances are out of your control, negative emotions can set in. No matter how evolved you are or how much you love yourself or live by the Law of Attraction, stuff or situations can happen that throw you off track and trigger emotions you don’t like. The holidays can trigger an assortment.

•    Reminders of what you haven’t accomplished yet
•    Feeling inadequate about not having enough money to buy the gifts you’d like to give loved ones
•    Jealousy with people who are celebrating while you don’t feel happy
•    Loneliness–whether it’s for a romantic partner or because you don’t have people to party with
•    Guilt for knowing you have blessings yet you still feel down.

I remember feeling a variety of those emotions in my DoorMat days. The end of the year depressed me back then. It was a reminder that I wasn’t happy. I felt a lot of guilt about having those other emotions. After all, I had my health and enough money to live on. I didn’t love my living situation but it was comfortable.

How dare I feel down??!!

I finally realized that one thing isn’t related to the other. You’re entitled to miss what you don’t have. I learned years ago that it’s okay, probably even healthy to feel down sometimes. I used to fight it–force a smile, act like things were good, and suppress the negative emotions. But instead of feeling better, I had head and stomach aches and felt stressed.

Until I learned to stop suppressing the emotions and to grieve a little for what I felt was missing in my life.

Even if you have a lot to be grateful for, life can still get you down, especially feeling lonely in the midst of holiday gaiety. There’s no easy solution for loneliness. Seeing people around you acting in a partying mood when you don’t have anywhere to go or someone to be with can make you feel alone. The biggest glue that kept me stuck as a DoorMat was fear of loneliness.

It finally sunk in that you can be lonely in a group.

I’d please and please and please just to keep people around. But friends you buy aren’t as satisfying as friends who are friends because they like you, not what your do for them. I’d have people to do things with but didn’t feel a warm vibe, so I’d still feel lonely in many ways. Since falling in love with me, I never feel lonely anymore. You’re not alone when you have YOU!

When you love yourself and do loving things that make you happy, you have the best company on earth.

I no longer please people to buy their company. I have fewer friends but know the ones I have want to be friends with me for me. The more loving things I do for me, the less I feel lonely. Yes, some negative emotions might come up occasionally. When they do, I do something to improve my life. While I might buy one sweet treat, I no longer pig out on goodies to soothe myself, since that isn’t good for me and I love myself too much to do that.

When loneliness makes you feel out of control, do something that helps you get it back.

When I feel down, I clean my place and get rid of as much as I can. I have a lot of stuff and feel better sorting through it to get organized and pare down on my possessions. This always helps get me back on track. You might need to do something else. Improving my life makes me happier, which counters loneliness.

When I’m alone during a holiday, I plan to do things I’d enjoy. I decide what I’d love to eat, what movies I haven’t had time to watch, what book I’ve been dying to read, where I’d love to take a walk to, etc. Being alone is cherished ME-time now! The more YOU do for YOU, the more you feel good. The more you feel good, the more self-love you build. So to me, a good antidote to loneliness is self-love.

Do things that bring more joy into your life!

If you volunteer, do it in a way you enjoy, for a cause that gives you pleasure to help or where you can meet kindred spirits and make new friends. Indulge in activities that you like, even if you do them alone. I love to go see a movie by myself, and see what I want and when. Make plans to do things on your own. The more you love yourself, the more loneliness changes into pleasure on your own.

A great way to do this is to sign the pledge at http://howdoiloveme.com to do something kind for yourself on every day in January, to build self-love. The more loving things you do for you, the more loneliness will be replaced by solo pleasure. And since likes attracts likes, the more you love yourself, the more love from others you’ll attract into your life. Self-love is a wonderful tonic.

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.



  • Brenda

    Mind reader again!! I was just sitting here looking at the view of Old Man Winter has found us & thinking along the lines of feeling lonely even with all these good things happening & here comes your blog hitting the nail right on the head. I agree and as I read it, this thought occurred to me: I remember I had a quote on my refrigerator for years after my divorce that read: I would rather be alone that lonely with someone. I immediately “snapped out of it” and realize what a wonderful world it is. I can determine what I will do / can do….and looking out this same window again, I thought:
    What a picturesque view from the “inside”. I think I’ll make myself a cup of hot chocolate and read today.
    Thanksgiving Day was only a week ago but I am thankful for the wisdom and encouragement that is available from Daylle’s website blogs for all women who refuse to be doormats.

  • Rosa

    “…when you love yourself and do things that make you happy, you have the best company on earth…” Such a powerful statement, it really sums things up for me. For me, lonelines is mis-directed attention which always spells out an unmet need that I have the power to meet by doing something kind for myself and keeping away from energy stealers. My own company has become the most reliable company I have access to. Thank you for such a motivating article.

  • Daylle Deanna Schwartz

    I feel the same way Brenda! Loneliness is in the mind.
    Thanks Rosa! Your own company is the best when you make it so.

  • http://spunkyprayerpoems.blogspot.com Stephen Gifford

    Right on, sister! I love good teaching, I seek it out. Please check out my website for inspiration and my attempts at teaching. Please refer to me anyone who can help me afford publishing and marketing a book of these!
    All the best

  • Jeniffer

    my only problem is that I hate doing things alone….just bored….I need interaction….how do I fix that???

  • http://thebestbrainpossible.com Debbie

    I do not think the two are incompatible feelings at all. To me, to be grateful is not contradictory to other feelings which you classify as “feeling down.” I do not think of it as “feeling down.” To me, they are just feelings, honest and pure which need to be authenticated in a healthy manner and felt, as you say, rather than just “put on a happy face.”
    In my mind, the goal is not to feel good all the time…that would make life really dull in my opinion, but to feel all emotions honestly, look at them with awareness and explore why they are present and where they are coming from and then consciously choose how to react to that feeling…buy into it and validate it or challenge it and reframe it or both…and then decide how to behave.

  • Ariel

    I have tremendous respect for the attitudes here. But I have a different experience and perspective and would like to share it. I think I’m just in the opposite place than where you have been. I have always been the kind of person who would rather be alone than be with people who don’t treat me right. If I think someone is a user, or doesn’t really like me, I don’t care to be with them just for the sake of having someone to do things with. So I have a lot of experience doing things alone, and that includes holiday time. I am able to find things I want to do, a book or film or music; a meal that’s special. I don’t have a hard time occupying myself with things I like to do. But after a lifetime of doing this, I crave companionship. I crave the company of compatible people. I’ve had my fill of alone time. I’m ready for community with others.
    The trick for me is finding others who are nice and who treat me right.

  • sabah

    THANK YOU. I NEEDED THIS ARTICLE. I HAVE BEEN REALLY EXPERIENCING LONELINESSAND and GUILT LATELY.IT PUT THINGS INTO PERSPECTIVE.

  • Daylle Deanna Schwartz

    Thanks Stephen! Good luck with your site!
    Interesting perspective Debbie.
    I feel like you Ariel. I’d also like to be alone than with people who don’t treat me right. But I’ve learned, for you and Jennifer and Sabah, when you find ways to bring more joy into your life on your own, you’ll attract more joy from others. I volunteer for organizations where I meet good, more likeminded people and have been adding more people to my world. It begins with loving yourself. That’s why I’m asking people to sign the pledge to be loving every day in January and giving my book away for free.

  • Your NameElsa

    Happy New year to all kindred spirits around on this first day of year. Such a breath of fresh air to be able to put things in perspective. Yes and yes I am feeling much better already.
    Elsa

  • Daylle Deanna Schwartz

    Glad you’re starting the new year in good spirits Elsa!

Previous Posts

Ditch the Victim Mentality
A common thread among clients who come to me for self-empowerment counseling is “Why do people use me?” And they groan, “Why me?” And they whine, “I’ll never get what I want because of _____.”  I tell them to fill in that blank with, “because I allow myself to be a victim.” People

posted 10:41:37pm Jul. 21, 2014 | read full post »

Standing Up for Yourself
You may be angry at many people and want to tell them all of. But you need to –prepare to take a stand first. Before taking a stand, ask, “Am I WILLING to be serious?” You may want to stop unacceptable behavior, but are you willing to leave or mean “no” or cut visits if ignored? Decide how

posted 12:01:04pm Jul. 18, 2014 | read full post »

Law of Attraction in Action: What You Think Of Yourself
This is post 290 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to manifest your desires. I do it every day! Read all the posts in my Law of Attraction in Action Series to see how. Very often, your biggest roadblocks to achieving goals are the labels you put on yourself.

posted 8:44:56pm Jul. 16, 2014 | read full post »

Why People Become DoorMats/People Pleasers
George Bernard Shaw said, “The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.” Having DMS (DoorMat Syndrome) made me a People Pleaser wh

posted 2:09:35pm Jul. 14, 2014 | read full post »

Law of Attraction in Action: “It’s for the best”
This is post 289 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read all the posts in my Law of Attraction in Action Series  to see how. People get confused when they’re trying to manifest if something doesn’t work out

posted 12:01:14pm Jul. 08, 2014 | read full post »




Report as Inappropriate

You are reporting this content because it violates the Terms of Service.

All reported content is logged for investigation.