Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Solo Forgiving with Ho’oponopono

Last week in the guest post on The Huna Way of Forgiveness, by Dr. Matthew B. James discussed the act of forgiving others and asking for forgiveness. Several people commented that they wouldn’t be able to actually do it face to face with certain people. This is common. The person might not be receptive to anything you say, or might not be available to speak to. If it’s an upsetting situation, your emotions may come up when you try to speak and change the tone of the forgiving.

Ho’oponopono allows you to heal a situation with forgiveness, without the person ever consciously knowing what you do.

Learning about ho’oponopono came to me at a time when I was having some major difficulties with someone I’m close to. This person is very sensitive and misinterprets things I (and everyone else) say. I hated how our relationship was deteriorating fast and didn’t want to lose this person. I felt at a loss for how to handle the unfair things said to me. I knew it wasn’t me. A rough childhood can do that to a person. But it felt like we couldn’t speak about it without emotions that made it worse. Right after I put the situation into God’s hands, someone told me about ho’oponopono.


I listened with great skepticism. But I was desperate and went online to learn more. The purpose is to create peace. I wanted to feel peaceful about this person and have peace between us! Then I thought about the Law of Attraction and how it attracts what we put out. Aha! Maybe that was the connection to how saying a few words could dramatically change a situation. I was ready to try and allow myself to feel expectant about getting good results.

I wouldn’t wonder about how a few simple words could calm my situation. I’d just trust it would!

There are many variations in what to say to use the ho’oponopono method. Some change the wording, some the order of the words. But the basic message is the same. After reading up on it, I chose to use this common one:


I love you
I’m sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you

That’s it! I initially had a conflict about saying words I didn’t feel were true. Why should I be sorry?? I didn’t do anything wrong in my mind. Then I asked myself if I was sorry there was bad energy between us. I didn’t want to have that so I accepted I was sorry we had an issue between us. Even if I feel the other person is wrong, I still don’t like having negatives between us. I could do this!

There is something almost mystical about ho’oponopono. As I did it, I began to feel peaceful, just from saying a few words!

Picture or think about the person. I was told to just say it. It’s better to say it with as much feeling as I can. Saying, “I love you” can feel weird if it’s someone you don’t actually love. I had to transcend the idea of love of family and friends to feel more of a love for humanity and people in general. Love in your heart can be given to all the people you encounter.


When you have love inside you, bring it out to anyone you’re asking forgiveness of.

I also add some words when I say, “I’m sorry.” My first “I’m sorry” was hard. I felt like I did nothing wrong. It was the other person’s issues, not mine. But, I said it, first with my teeth gritted. Then I loosened up and added, “I’m sorry if something I did that I’m not aware of hurt or bothered you. I didn’t mean to make you feel the way you do.” Then “Please forgive me if I upset you. I truly meant no harm and don’t want us to have bad energy between us.”

The more you address the issue you want peace with, the more emotion you can put into your intentions to resolve it with forgiveness.


I love you
I’m sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you

I’ve used ho’oponopono twice since I learned it. The first time was with the person I already mentioned. I had some VERY bad feelings before doing it. I said it a bunch of times over a period of days. That was in February. There hasn’t been a bad word between us ever since. After years of on and off static, this is a miracle for me! 

Ho’oponopono is a fantastic tool for moving on from any negative dynamics with someone to a more peaceful place.

Don’t try to control it. Ho’oponopono is about letting go. So, just go with the flow and say the words, and mean them! Say it as often as possible and with as much sincere emotion as you can generate. You can use it to create better energy between you or to help you let go of someone who’d not good for you.


Of course resolving things in person is always a good thing and whenever possible, use Dr. James’ Huna techniques. But when you need to do the work on your own, exercise forgiveness with ho’oponopono. You can learn more about it and find videos showing it by putting it into Google. It really is simple though. Just say those few words as often as you can and let the Universe bring on the peace.

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.

  • Carla

    Daylle, I love this! I’ve been doing forgiveness work along these lines…but the phrasing that I was using lacked power.
    There is so much hurt in my life (everyone’s life?) from both what I have done to others and what has been done to me over the years. For along time I just ‘stuffed’ it and tried to forget about feelings of shame, hurt and embarrassment.
    Forgiveness is really the way to healing ourselves, I believe… emotional scars and potential physical illness due to buried negative feelings. (I can actually feel stomach pain when I bury emotions and try to forget them instead of dealing with them).
    I like this phrasing much more. SUCH RELIEF! Love the positive way it starts and ends.
    Thank you so much for posting this! This one goes up on my bathroom mirror.
    Love your blog!

  • Carla

    PS, I have a person exactly like the one you described in my life and have struggled for a long time with vague issues of old history between us…. I will start using it immediately there.

  • Daylle Deanna Schwartz

    I’m delighted that this is helping you Carla. Put your true feelings into it. You can neutralize your relationship with the difficult person like I did!

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Joshua

    The kind of forgiveness that rests in vision instead of ego judgement brings with it an awareness of the peace that is always present. All I have to do is recognize that the ego is invested in judgement, turn from that to my own innocence, or deliberately look for the innocence in another, and I see … the love that we are. This has proven true for me in this world having been confronted by violence pointed at me, having lost a child, having an alcoholic parent, and so on. My friend Rabbi Gelberman once said to me, “Joshua, you have to look beyond the horizon.” He meant exactly that and no less. Another friend named Jesus said, “nothing real can be threatened, nothing unreal exists.” What a great measuring stick. Finally, I know I teach what I most need to learn.

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