Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

What Makes YOU Feel Good?

kevinrosseel_050108_055.jpgThere’s so many messages coming in from the media telling us what we should like or want. Add to that peer pressure about how you should look, what you should do and how you should be. It’s easy to lose yourself with so many messages. When I was a DoorMat I jumped around trying to do what made others feel good. When I’d go shopping, I’d always have someone with me to tell me what to wear. I ate what others told me I’d like.

Insecure people often have no minds of their own.

After many years of doing what others told me to do, I finally tried to think for myself. What a joy that was on some levels, though it also came with a lot of negativity. People weren’t used to me making my own choices and some didn’t respond well. It was fun to go shopping by myself for a dress I needed for a special occasion. I chose one that made me feel good, not to please my friends who liked to tell me what to wear. They didn’t like my choice, since it wasn’t theirs.

And when I spoke up about what movie I wanted to see or where I wanted to eat, I got word-smacked.

After years of going along with what everyone else wanted, all of a sudden I was selfish, and other nasty names. Ouch! It got to me at first and I went back to my people pleasing ways. But eventually I accepted that I was entitled to make my own choices. That doesn’t mean I must always have my way. Far from it! But I need to feel that I at least have a say when I do something with friends. And sometimes when I don’t like where they’re going, I choose to opt out rather than do what I wouldn’t enjoy or don’t want to spend money on.

DoorMats suck it up and go along with everyone. Nice People on Top know they have choices, and a right to have an equal say in what they do.

Slowly I asserted what I wanted and friends got used to it. I got some interesting responses from new people in my life, especially guys I dated. In the past, when I had a date and he asked what I’d like to eat, I’d give the People Pleaser answer–”Whatever you’d like.” I still remember when Tom suggested we go for Mexican food. I said I wasn’t in the mood for that and made another suggestion. His mouth was agape when he said it was the first time a woman he dated actually said what she wanted and didn’t just go along with him. What was particularly delightful was that it made me more attractive to him.

Expressing what you want shows confidence.

It didn’t always get a lovely response. I have a strong memory of a good-looking guy I went to dinner with, just as my self-esteem started to rise. As we looked at the menu, he asked what I wanted. I pointed to a chicken dish. He jumped in and said he had 2 choices–a pasta primavera and a fish dish–and couldn’t decide between them. When the waiter came and I ordered chicken, he got bent out of shape. This guy was angry because I didn’t order one of the dishes he wanted so we could share and he could have some of both dishes.

He said that other women he dates are happy to order one of the dishes he wants to please him. When people are used to being catered to, they can get hostile when a woman like me doesn’t cater.

He was cute and could be fun but… He became unappealing to me fast! I didn’t enjoy my chicken as he lectured me about why it would have been nice on my part to go along with ordering what he wanted. Hello! I just ordered what I wanted. He invited me to dinner, not to share HIS dinner. As soon as dinner was over, I thanked him and said I could get home on my own. See ya!

As my self-esteem grew, my needs mattered more and more. At that point, it didn’t matter what others wanted. What made me feel good to have or do became the most important factor in my decisions. Of course I compromise when I’m out with friends. But compromise means having your needs met too, at least some of the time. And, ordering your own meal!

What makes you feel good? Do it!

You owe it to yourself to do what makes you feel good! Think about it when you’re alone and when you’re given a choice with friends. Speak up about what you’d like to eat, what movie you’d like to see, how you’d like to spend your day, etc. While you can’t always get your way completely, you shouldn’t have to settle for something you don’t like as a lifestyle.

The more you honor your needs, the better you’ll feel about you. It’s a very loving way to build self-love.

If you’re in the habit that I was of saying, “Whatever you want” when asked where you want to go or what you want to do, try to break it! It’s unfair to you. And, not caring about your own needs is unattractive. If a guy insists on only doing what I want, it’s a turn off for me as it is for many women. Nobody finds a DoorMat attractive. People may stick around cos’ it’s fun for a while to be with someone who goes along with what they want.

But it’s more satisfying to be liked for you and to also have your needs met.

Honor yourself. Love yourself. Be true to what makes you happy. I show myself love every day since I left DoorMatville. It’s a lovely feeling to know that I matter. YOU matter too! So break any habits of always agreeing to what others want and make sure you get what makes you feel good too! That’s a wonderful act of self-love.

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected. 

  • vipin

    I met with law of attraction few months ago and i have read some books also about this.
    Now I want to attract a girl, i always think and feel that she is attracted by me (becoz that’s what i’ve read and learned so far), is it enough to get my love. Writing this comment doesn’t means that i have some negative emotions with output. i just did it because my heart said to do this.plz suggest.

  • http://blog.beliefnet.com/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat/ Daylle Deanna Schwartz

    If you really believe you will attract a woman who is attracted to you, and you also believe that you are worthy of that, and you show yourself love, it’s enough.

  • skilledhelper

    Hi Daylle,
    I have just discovered your blog & I love it. I cant really say that I am a doormat (though I know some), but I do find that I tend to walk on eggshells with 2 specific people who once were mentors until they started acting weird toward me. Now I walk on eggshells because I am not really sure what they are thinking or what their problem is. They are much much much older than me, so you think people would know better and just say what is on their mind. I am finding it discouraging and a little heart-sickening. I really love and look up to these people. They seem to be sending mixed signals (all of the time). I never really know what I am going to get & unfortunately (or fortunately?? Hmm.) I have to see them each week.
    Looking for some kindness and wisdom. Thanks.

  • http://www.Proud2BeArmy.com Cheryl

    Hi Daylle, I just “shared” your blog on facebook. I’m a big fan of your advice and I always enjoy reading your blogs. You rock!

  • http://www.emergingfrombroken.com Carla

    Hi Daylle! It is a joy to have found your blog. I really like your article and can relate to it in many ways. For most of my life I believed I wasn’t worth pursuing what I wanted. I always felt like other people were more important than I was. These beliefs were formed early early on in my life, and when I was in the deepest part of my depression I started seeing how that negative belief system I had towards myself had formed. Now I am re-programming what I believe is true about myself, and this is fueling my motivation to take my own desires and needs seriously, as equally important as everyone elses. Thank you for some great encouragement! ~ Carla

  • Daylle Deanna Schwartz

    You never know why people get weird in their response. I relate to walking on eggshells with some people and hate it! I will address dealing with these kinds of people in an upcoming post.
    Thanks as always for your support Cheryl!
    I’m so glad you’re moving forward Carla! Keep it up!

  • Patty

    I always thought I had an abundance of self-esteem but learned in the past few weeks that I either never had it or simply lost it. I’ve been in a 5 year relationship and finally saw the light, that it is simply draining me and breaking my spirit. Here’s the loss of self-esteem — trying to walk away and stop being a doormat by staying in the relationship. Luckily we do not live together, which was one of the unattainable goals to date. I’ve always been a giver, and comfortable with being so, seldom asking or taking, until this guy came along and promised the things I’d been looking for in a relationship. I’ll continue reading the blogs, and wondering should I purchase your book (or several others), because I am definitely a nice girl, a keeper, who deserves to finish first.

  • Connie

    I’m becoming a big fan of your blog. Thank you for the understanding and advice you give. I’m newly relocated from Doormatville, and I have to say I am happier than I’ve been in a very long time.
    I come to your blog on a regular basis to keep my focus and reinforce the process. It’s a lifelong one. Now, to weave in the Laws of Attraction.
    Thank you for what you do.

  • Daylle Deanna Schwartz

    Take care of YOU Patty. You’d benefit from Nice Girls on Top and All Men Are jerks until Proven Otherwise, in different ways. You’re already on your way since you know you deserve to finish first!
    Thanks for your generous words Connie!

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